to think school can't require dd to come back in the evening for performance?

[tankerdale]

Genuinely don't know if IABU. DD is year 4. Christmas production is a play featuring mainly years 5&6, other children are required to be in a choir. Performance is 6pm on a Friday night which means dropping dd at 5.15 and collecting about 8.15 or going to watch. Dd has end of term-it is, is ryb down and doesn't want to do it. I have two younger children, youngest is 1 and DH isn't reliably back home til 8.30pm so it's really impractical for me to watch or to drive and drop her/collect her with the others. If she wanted to do it I'd probably try harder to make arrangements but she's adamant she doesn't want to. They've been told they have to come back for it unless there's a good reason - but aibu to say she can't come because of practicalities? They can't require it can they?

Lets be honest, OP just can;t be arsed to ask her husband (big man with big important job) to do something for his kids, or to slightly inconvenience herself to take the baby out to do a pick up.

School is meant to be a community. You have to give and take. Not just take.

If you looked round a school and they were like "nah, we don't do a christmas play. We don't do a summer fair. Oh, no, we don't ahve interactive whiteboards or ipads or playground equipment because we don;t have a PTA" Bet you wouldn't have send your kids there. But all of that need input from families and teachers.

"Just to warn you that other mums will note that your DD is not doing it because "she is too tired" and you will be known as one of those mums. Others will have their own problems getting to and from the school so if you say you can't do it for whatever reason is not creating a good atmosphere for future parties or other extra curricular activities"

Gosh I think life's too short to worry about that! I take on board everything that's been said about letting the school down, teaching dd about commitment etc but I'm not going to worry what other mums think, and thankfully they seem a nice bunch who are not very judgey, not sure how they'll even know why she's not there.

Working parent here - I'd find it far easier to rearrange work to get out for a nativity and sports day (ie, two events a year), if there wasn't Mother's Day Lunch (funnily enough, it's Father's Day Breakfast), the Friday assemblies, tea party because Yr1 made sandwiches and the hundreds of other needless events which seem to require parental (ie, the mother's) attendance.

VeryPunny: They're putting on these events for the parents and the kids not for themselves. Fair enough if you can't go but I don't see what there is to moan about! If I was the Head I would just say okay, no more events. Simple. Then when parents who enjoyed these events and got something out of them, I'd refer them to the parent body.

*complained

Of course you shouldn't send her - she didn't ask to do this, doesn't want to, is tired and it is massively inconvenient for you, given your other dc. It's a no brainer to me.
All you need to do is contact the school and let them know it isn't possible.

All you need to do is contact the school and let them know it isn't possible.

Should read 'and let them know it isn't possible unless they give her a speaking part and she wants to come'.

The thing is, school stuff such as the Nativity in the evening cannot be made compulsory, but they do rely on everyone joining in.

Schools put these events on for the enjoyment and education of the kids. They sometimes have them in the evening because otherwise working parents complains they miss out on everything...so they try to provide something for everyone. I'd imagine, the teachers could do without another evening in school or at the Church or wherever it is too.

If everyone just picks and chooses the events that are convenient for them and doesn't send their children in, it really does make putting on any kind of performance really difficult - it is about the bigger picture.

Families with several kids have to cope with the in-out, in-out impact. This really is the thin end of the wedge and the amount of things DD will be involved in over the next few years, which will involve taking the others in and out at often inconvenient times, will be significant. She will gain a lot from those experiences, even when they are sometimes inconvenient. The alternative is to deny her the experiences or not let her attend.
And I I know that in this particular case,mashed doesn't want to go. However, in my mind, that really isn't the issue, but is a bit convenient for the OP who may well have fuelled her lack of enthusiasm! The real issue here is that OP doesn't want to go and feels aggrieved about the whole thing - a festive event is being put on, that DD has been included in - it wasn't voluntary and everyone is expected to be there.......so she should be there.

OP, this stuff is going to come up time and time again. People do find ways to manage babies and tiny children in this situation and you can too. Even DHs with the most high powered jobs can get home on the odd occasion if given plenty of notice. Friends can help drop off and pick up. Babies can go out.

See this for what it is, a festive enjoyable event, that your DD will benefit from. Stop being a misery and seeing the school as trying to make your life awkward - they can't arrange everything to suit every individual, but are trying to put on some events which will be fun, but only work if the vast majority show the commitment needed. Make a plan, go, enjoy it.....and start planning for the future, because this is going to happen again and again and your DD will miss out if you are going to take this attitude long term.

X posted

They genuinely don't. Not sure why that is so hard to believe?!

Home from school about 4pm, free play until dinner at 4.30-5pm, bath, more playing upstairs, into bed, stories, lights out at 6pm.

All extracurricular are done at the weekend. Reading/homework is done in theornings before school.

And it absolutely will be the same on Chriatmas Eve, and all other days over Christmas.

If we don't keep to the same basic routine, then everyone loses their shit.

They can't make her attend the evening performance, so it's up to you to judge if she will be up to it I suppose.

I remember DS1's Nativity show when he was in Y2 - he has ADHD and reacted to being overtired by getting hyper (he seems to have grown out of that now). In the afternoon performance, he was brilliant. During the evening one (at 7pm), he was so tired he just could not stand or sit still. He caused a huge distraction to the point that other parents were sniggering at him (nice), missed his lines completely, refused to go on stage for one bit and then fell asleep on the TA's lap at the side. At the end, the HT had to drag him screaming out of the hall.

I was mortified at the time, as he hadn't been diagnosed and he didn't behave like that at home. Now I just think WTF at having a performance at that time!

Hasn't this thread enlightened you at all as to WTF they put on evening performances, Roomba?

I find this 'can't make her' discussion really depressing.

No, thereare lots of things schools can't 'make' you do. This turns the whole thing into a them and us battle. It shouldn't be like that. Schools put these events on for the fun and education of the kids they teach. They take a lot of work, which teachers do because they think they are very worthwhile. But participation is key. If people insist on their rights, that they don't need to go and therefore won't, then the experience will be the poorer for all the kids. This time OPs child maybe opting out and next time there might be others.....all merrily thinking about themselves. Schools are corporate institutions that involve many many people and for these activities to work, requires the many to join in....and see the good it does them all. I think we need less of this 'my life, my choice, don't tell me what to do' Attitude.

Not RTFT but our primary school are having a similar performance. The parents of the younger children were all consulted in advance by letter with tear off slip to gauge how many would be able to / would want to come. There was absolutely no pressure with the letter saying if not enough were going they would just do a bit of rejigging to the performance. It was very much an invitation rather than an obligation.

In your circumstances I would not be going. YANBU

I didn't send dd last year. It was past her bedtime. I hadon't a toddler and a baby. The show was in a chapel in the middle of nowhere, dh was away, I don't drive. I tried and failed to find another parent to take her, everyone's car was full of their own family. The only way I could have done it was to walk three exhausted dc for 50 mins each way in the cold and dark. I didn't.

Not all children are the same and not everyone can cope with missed bedtimes. Not all parents have babies who will sleep peacefully through performances or babysitters on tap. It's not fair to take a one size fits all approach to these things.
It's nice that the school offers the opportunity to do these things and of course parents try to support it, but sometimes it is a bit too hard for some people and it is perfectly okay to opt out because you know your child really doesn't want to do it/cannot cope. A good school will accept that you know your child's capabilities more than they do and that you cannot always do everything.

And yes, at eight mine certainly are in bed by 8 on a school night. My four year old is so exhausted she's incoherent by 6pm after a day at school. We don't do extra curricular activities apart from my nine year old who does one sport. I think they are too young for that after a day at school and it doesn't allow them enough unstructured time.

And not everyone has family around to babysit or is prepared to leave dc with a paid babysitter they don't know.

Breastfed babies can't be left.

As said previously some parents are the first to moan and complain when teachers and schools don't do x y or z.

Maybe teachers should stop doing any extra activities because 'they don't want to'.

allowlsthinkalot: It doesn't allow them enough unstructured time? It's once a year. Do you never go to a pantomime, an evening party, never visit relatives? Routine is valuable but sometimes it seems like people like to fall back on it as an excuse when there is something they would prefer not to do, but are happy to make exceptions for things they do want to do.

And in the future when DD 15 is refusing to go to extra revision after school you won't have a leg to stand on because, 'they cant make me do this'. No the school can't force her to take part but using this get out clause will backfire in the future.

Anything extra curricular was hugely encouraged at my DC's school and IMO is a v important part of school life/education. It gives them an understanding of teamwork and working together to achieve a goal. And she might just enjoy it. There is something very special having one of your little ones standing up on stage and singing, they feel proud, you feel proud and it is a lovely shared experience for everyone.

For one or even three nights a year (at my DC's school) you should work something out and send her in. All the children and teachers will be discussing it next day .... how will she manage that? If she is a sensitive child it could upset her. A couple of late nights isn't going to harm anyone. It's Christmas 🎅

Not all children are the same
Yeah, everyone thinks their child is special and shouldn't have to do what is expected of them.

Breastfed babies can't be left.
Luckily they are super easy to take about with you. Oh, but then you and your baby are probably special. Can't use a sling. Doesn't settle well if you leave the house at 7.30pm. Don't drive. DH works away. Can;t be arsed