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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think school can't require dd to come back in the evening for performance?

473 replies

tankerdale · 06/12/2016 08:00

Genuinely don't know if IABU. DD is year 4. Christmas production is a play featuring mainly years 5&6, other children are required to be in a choir. Performance is 6pm on a Friday night which means dropping dd at 5.15 and collecting about 8.15 or going to watch. Dd has end of term-it is, is ryb down and doesn't want to do it. I have two younger children, youngest is 1 and DH isn't reliably back home til 8.30pm so it's really impractical for me to watch or to drive and drop her/collect her with the others. If she wanted to do it I'd probably try harder to make arrangements but she's adamant she doesn't want to. They've been told they have to come back for it unless there's a good reason - but aibu to say she can't come because of practicalities? They can't require it can they?

OP posts:

Mountainhighchair · 07/12/2016 23:20

Shame for your eldest to miss out on things because you can't be bothered to take them places because it's too hard.

Oh ffs the ops DD doesn't want to go

yummumto3girls · 07/12/2016 23:21

No one is denying it is hard work and far from easy to keep young children up, however it is ONE night. Put their PJ's on, stick a onsie over the top, snuggle them in a pram, straight home in to bed! OR ask another parent to help, you would be amazed at how many would be prepared to help if they could, myself included!

DoraDunn · 07/12/2016 23:25

Why did you decide to have more children than you can easily look after? Shame for your eldest to miss out on things because you can't be bothered to take them places because it's too hard.

Firstly, if you'd bothered to read my post you'd know that I did take him. Secondly, I have no issue looking after the children I have thank you very much. Without outing myself, DH has a job where he's only available when he's available and he really has little choice in the matter. Couple that with the utter thoughtless selfishness of 3 grandparents and a sibling to all go and die on us within 3yrs of each other (2together) and, well, there it is. And thirdly, it's fucking ridiculous to suggest it's selfish or that I cannot cope with my children because I don't find it easy to drag 2 tired children under 3 out to wait in the cold for their brother. I defy anyone to tell me they'd find it a breeze!

SemiNormal · 07/12/2016 23:28

DoraDunn

BertrandRussell · 07/12/2016 23:29

"Why did you decide to have more children than you can easily look after? "

That is an ^outrageous" thing to post.

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2016 23:31

Craigie re "It's not a good lesson for your daughter to learn that it's okay to quit things if she doesn't feel like it."

I used to think like this, until my husband pointed out if we insisted our daughter stick to every thing she tried she may not try anything for fear of not being able to give it up - e.g. ballet, swimming etc.

The difference here is that it is not something a child, or even parent, has chosen, it is a school activity. If it were a class activity or one where she had a key role I would feel a bit diffrenetly in the Op's shoes. But just being in the choir is different.

Plus, I think when a child really want to do something it is different.

We had a major family event on the day of our daughters school concert but still managed to work things around so she could attend, because we thought it was important because she was looking forward to it.

So although there are some parents who may not feel inclined to after school activities we have tried to support them but I still feel when parents/children cannot or will not support such activities then the children should not be made to feel they are letting anyone down.

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2016 23:33

DoraDunn I am so sorry to hear about your relatives.

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2016 23:37

Budgiegirl, "If your Dd had a bigger part in the play, I'm sure you'd manage to get her there." But she doesn't have a bigger part. She is in the choir and she doesn't want to do it.

Lots of kids end up with bit parts in plays, it's not surprising that they are not that keen, even though they may also not want to be the staring role. If Am Dram was for everyone we would all do it as adults, but we do not.

5madthings · 07/12/2016 23:44

Yanbu I had the same issue many times. Luckily our school has sensible attitude to this and were understanding that kids couldn't always,make it, plus they make sure they are finished by 7pm is. After 8pm is late.

BakeOffBiscuits · 07/12/2016 23:58

Dora don't bother to reply to goady posts. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

DoraDunn · 08/12/2016 00:02

Thank you, BakeOff I won't be rising to it again.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/12/2016 06:39

SemiNormal

I don't expect everyone to buy in to everything that the school does but there are very simple ways to prevent things like this happening.

If its compulsory, at the first opportunity tell the school that your child will not be there for the evening performance, the school/teacher can then find your child a part that isn't of any importance to the show.

If its not compulsory teach your child not to sign up for things that they will pull out of or be pulled out of at the last minute.

budgiegirl · 08/12/2016 07:00

But she doesn't have a bigger part. She is in the choir and she doesn't want to do it

But my point is, it is obviously possible to get DD there, as the OP would make the effort if the part was bigger. If everyone felt the same as the OP, there would be no choir at all at the evening performance.

I agree that the school can't force parents to take their children to the evening performance. But it only seems fair to make the best effort you can to do so. I accept there may be occasions when it's just not possible, but this isn't one of them.

After all, the bigger parts will come when the child is in year 5 and 6, and I would hope that younger children will support her then by turning up for the evening performances.

budgiegirl · 08/12/2016 07:05

While I agree with this, it isn't really the same thing here. It's fine to allow a child to quit a club they have tried and don't like (although I know from bitter experience it's better to say "finish this term and then see how you feel")

But in this case, it's a one off. She doesn't have to do it again after this performance. She'd be letting others down if she didn't go. IMO. Not everyone can have a starring role, although her turn will probably come. Being in a supporting role is still important to the overall production.

3luckystars · 08/12/2016 12:48

Isn't she very young to be in school if she is only 4 now?

I wouldn't go if it didn't suit the family and I am wouldn't be discussing it or stressed over shit like this. Just don't go if you don't want to. It's totally ok!

WouldHave · 08/12/2016 12:53

Year 4, 3lucky. Age 8 or 9.

3luckystars · 08/12/2016 13:25

Sorry I am very stupid. Thank you.

If that's the case you should go. I had to bring my dd to her Christmas show on Saturday, i have a small baby and hadn't slept in days. I also have a son who refuses to go anywhere, so I was nearly in tears by the time I got there but I had to go because unlike your dd, mine really wanted to go. Well do you know what, it was beautiful. It was only 20 minutes long but the baby loved it and I was filled with joy. Even my son got through it ok.

Go. If it won't stress you out too much, you might enjoy it. If she is that age, she might just be a bit nervous about it but would enjoy it once there.

Also, in other good news, I was very surprised to find my small baby got a tooth today, that's why we had a rough weekend, so I am very happy about that and am singing "all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth" for the rest of the day.

DailyFail1 · 08/12/2016 13:31

It's optional. If you don't want to go and don't want to take her, presuming she has no commitments to the show, then it's fine. If she's performing though then she/you/baby should go - parents need to teach kids that honouring their commitments is as important as academic work.

MidniteScribbler · 08/12/2016 14:00

Or perhaps the parent has depression.
Or perhaps they don't have a good support network.
Or perhaps they can't afford to eat that week let alone pay for a ticket for school concert.
Or a number of other reasons that you may not be privy to.''

If you think that a teacher can't tell the difference between a genuine struggle and a 'can't be fucked' then you need to realise just how much they really can observe.

letseatgrandma · 08/12/2016 14:07

Exactly.

I would also imagine that the staff take close notice as well of those who bother to turn up and those who can't be arsed, when they come to cast future plays!

Yokohamajojo · 08/12/2016 14:21

It's friday night fgs! I for one is so happy that mine Y3 and Y5 are finally in the same play in the evening and just the ONE performance

Amyksays · 08/12/2016 19:54

YANBU. If it's after 330, it's voluntary. Our school is doing the same, 6pm performance, an hour and a half long (which is punishing for kids, organisers and audience, surely?!) when 5yo ds is normally asleep by 7. They are expecting reception year to do this too!

I think each class can do their own, 20-30 minutes at the end of the day- whole school extravaganza is too much, and I am going to say as dd starts next year.

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2016 20:14

budgiegirl "If everyone felt the same as the OP, there would be no choir at all at the evening performance."

If all the children did not want to be in the choir maybe it would be best not to have one. But the reality is there will probably be some kids who want to be in the choir and that is great.

"I accept there may be occasions when it's just not possible, but this isn't one of them."

Why is this not one of them? That is a genuine question, I am not being goady!

"... bigger parts will come when the child is in year 5 and 6, and I would hope that younger children will support her then by turning up for the evening performances."

Why does the play or whatever require children from three years? It doesn't require all these kids so why have some there who clearly do not want to be there and whose parents cannot make it work logistically.

We have supported everything our dd did at school, but I don't resent other parents who do not, for whatever reason, because I see this aspect of it as voluntary.

If I were the OP, and my child wanted to be in it, I would see if a kind friend could take her there and back, e.g. another parents. And I would offer the same when I could.

But it is a bit different if child really is not keen to do it.

Also budgiegirl (not picking on you it is just you are saying things I either agree or disagree with!)

"While I agree with this, it isn't really the same thing here. It's fine to allow a child to quit a club they have tried and don't like (although I know from bitter experience it's better to say "finish this term and then see how you feel")

But in this case, it's a one off."

Yes, and I agree with you, it is different.

BUT just because "She doesn't have to do it again after this performance." I still do not think "She'd be letting others down if she didn't go." She is not letting others down. And re "Not everyone can have a starring role, although her turn will probably come. Being in a supporting role is still important to the overall production." We have no idea if her turn will come or if she would want it to.

So, no, IMHO, she is not letting people down. Her mum has to make a choice between taking two very young children to an evening performance or not taking her dd. Plus the dd does not want to do it.

If the dd had enthusiastically signed up for a role and then could not be arsed, that would be different and I would agree she was letting people down, and most of all had taken a role another could have had, but even then - there should be an 'understudy' waiting in the wings, literally, who would be only too happy to go on!

IMHO it is OK to sign kids up for this type of thing (as a teacher, or a parent) but it is not OK to be upset when they make their feelings known and do not want to do something like this. It is not the same as refusing to work or co-operate in class.

For some quite shy kids it is a big deal and although some may find they like it, when forced into it, others may not! Some may be put off this stuff for life by being forced into it, IMHO.

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