to think school can't require dd to come back in the evening for performance?

[tankerdale]

Genuinely don't know if IABU. DD is year 4. Christmas production is a play featuring mainly years 5&6, other children are required to be in a choir. Performance is 6pm on a Friday night which means dropping dd at 5.15 and collecting about 8.15 or going to watch. Dd has end of term-it is, is ryb down and doesn't want to do it. I have two younger children, youngest is 1 and DH isn't reliably back home til 8.30pm so it's really impractical for me to watch or to drive and drop her/collect her with the others. If she wanted to do it I'd probably try harder to make arrangements but she's adamant she doesn't want to. They've been told they have to come back for it unless there's a good reason - but aibu to say she can't come because of practicalities? They can't require it can they?

Don't post here. Just keep her home and say she wasn't well and don't feel guilty. It isn't as if you/she volunteered to do this and it is massively inconvenient. There is NO WAY I would have done this when DS was 4 years old. The late bedtime would not have been worth it. Ignore all the stuff about possibly disappointing those in the play by having only a few stragglers in the choir. It will be absolutely fine without your DD

This actually did happen with DS in year 6 when he refused to go on for one memorable play as he was so anxious. The OP knows her child better than we do.

Please tell me you don't believe that a an 8 or 9 year old can never have a slightly late bedtime on a Friday night?

Well mine can't actually, as he has asd and can't have his routine disrupted.

Sorry mean to say when DS was in year 4 not 4 years old.

YABU, it's a one off so that all parents can see the performance. Christmas spirit much.

I don't think they can make you but surely you're going to miss out on an awful lot if this continues to be your philosophy?

Apart from nursery to Y2 productions all of our plays and performances take place in the evening, otherwise the parents wouldn't be able to come and watch. No fun for the children without an audience!

I'm the director of performing arts so do a lot of events - around 30 performances a year across the age groups and disciplines - and have rarely if ever found it to be a problem, aside from occasional illness. I always have to put something like 'if your child will be unable to attend the performance please let me know as soon as possible' on the first couple of diary announcements but nobody ever does.

There's also multiple other evening events at the school too - doesn't yours have these? parents evenings, discos, dinners, fairs etc

What would you have done if she'd been invited to an amazing birthday party from 5.15-8.15 on a Friday night? I imagine you'd find a way to make sure she went.

There are so many options, ranging from asking another parent to drop her home, taking baby with you, getting a babysitter, asking DH to come home early/take an afternoon annual leave/work from home etc. If you wanted to, you could absolutely find a way to get her there and back.

Missing the play itself might not seem like such a big deal, but you are teaching your daughter that it's OK to let people down, and that is a big deal.

My dd was asked to do the exact same thing last week. It was a right pain in the arse and a handful of kids didn't show up. However my very tired dd (8) really enjoyed herself on the night. The best thing for you to do would be to try and out the other dc to bed and ask grandparents to come and watch TV for the evening whilst babysitting. I don't think that is too much to ask of them unless they are a couple of hours away or in poor health? Then you could take and pick up dd and watch. As soon as you git home you could put her straight in bed.

And I think if everyone did think like me it might get them to rethink and do the performance in school time/earlier

So stuff those parents that work then, or teachers that have other school related things to do then etc.

Bottom line is, she's your kid, she doesn't want to go, you don't have to take her.

Hate the way schools these days dictate to parents. And I used to be a teacher.

Missing the play itself might not seem like such a big deal, but you are teaching your daughter that it's OK to let people down, and that is a big deal.

This

You can't do it, you have valid reasons, there will be plenty of other people there. YANBU.

I don't think your dd is going to learn any major life lessons from this and I wouldn't take her if I were in your situation.

Year 4, on a Friday night? YABU to allow her to duck out. That's not what you do. I'm sure one of the other parents would drop her home afterwards if you asked.

So you can physically get there and you are allowed to take younger siblings, you just cba?

You clearly don't want to take her. I would never let having younger siblings stop my children doing anything. One late night won't hurt your one year old.

Surely an overtired one year old would just scream through the whole thing?

Mine finishes his last nap at about 3. So by 8.15 he would have been awake for a good 5 hours. He'd be a wreck. An absolute wreck. He'd just cry.

I would never let having younger siblings stop my children doing anything

So the older child's needs take priority over the younger? Why?

So the older child's needs take priority over the younger? Why?

Because one day, those younger children will be older and will want to do the same things their older siblings did. Why should the oldest kids miss out, when the youngest won't (due to them being the youngest)?

YANBU. Year 4 is still a young child and you know her best. She has said she doesn't want to go and going would be difficult logistically. This isn't something she asked to do or volunteered for so she shouldn't be made to feel guilty. I think the teachers would understand. I wish people would stop treating children like adults in training.

I'd definitely send her (but then I have a bit of an issue with anybody that agrees to do something and then ducks out of it). The kids have huge fun at this sort of thing even if they've had a tough time learning all the words etc.

Can you not team up with another family to lift share? I'd volunteer to have a friend round after school for tea and drop them both back to school...so the other parent collects. Better still you might discover that the parent you ask is actually going (so can take and bring her home) or volunteers to have DD for a sleepover!

If that doesn't work, do you have a nearby friend or neighbour who you could ask to pop round for 30 minutes whilst you nip out to collect DD (presumably the other children are sound asleep by then)?

You have a few more day left to ask around.

Hermione

But the op's dd has said she doesn't want to do it anyway

If she was desperate to do it I'd be saying yes her needs should take priority (though I still don't see how one avoids an overtired one year old screaming), but she isn't.

Thanks for all your responses. It is making me think twice. But honestly she doesn't miss out because of her younger siblings and it's not simply a case of not being arsed. It's a combination of

• her begging me not to make her go
• practically it being difficult, not impossible but difficult.
• something about the way they've done it means she doesn't feel invested in it, doesn't feel part of it. She is part of lots of things at school - recorders, chess etc but she wasn't given a choice about this.

Not wishing to drip feed but what happened last year (our first year at this school) was that a few weeks before we had a slip to say if our children would return/take part. I ticked yes as felt it was important. Made arrangements for the baby and got tickets to go. On the night dd got Very upset had a meltdown and didn't want to go, she was very tired. So we ended up not turning up and I emailed the school to apologise and said she wasn't well.
This year there was no slip - I was going to talk to her about it and see how she felt. But no chance to say yes or no. I don't want her to just not turn up again.

Anyway I've written to the teacher explaining it's difficult and she can't make it. I will see if he comes back to me about it.

I guess it comes down to being selfish and putting your own family first sometimes, reducing stress where you can to survive.
If I thought dd would get something out of it I would make it happen but I'm not sure she will. Also if she has a meltdown on the day and refuses to go it becomes really difficult.

I wish people would stop treating children like adults in training

This.