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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she poor or just stingy

207 replies

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:41

I met my friend through work and he has introduced us to his new boyfriend. His boyfriend has then introduced us to his best friend. We actually all get on great but the problem is his best friend seems not to join in with anything.

We arrive for lunch and she will say she will meet us afterwards. She meets us afterwards for a drink and will never get more than one drink every two hours and never anything alcoholic. I have seen her get a bottle of coke or alcoholic drink out of her bag once and pretend she had bought it at the bar. She has done this a few times.

If we go to a restaurant she never buys any drink except water and gets the cheapest thing on the menu. We went found christmas markets the other day and she ate nothing!

I thought secretly to myself that she must be a bit stingy and/or not like to eat or drink much but whenever I've had a house party she has brought lovely homemade food to share and bought a bottle of wine which was more generous than necessary and she always eats loads and drinks plenty at house parties too!

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

AIBU to think she's stingy and not poor?

She never accepts any offers of food or drink from anyone else so she's not after freebies. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
OzzieFem · 05/12/2016 11:39

Of course she refuses when you offer her free food and drink! It's called pride and strangely enough poor people do have pride (perhaps more so, as they can't stand pity).

I admire her. She stays within her means and yet still manages a social life. OP you came across as a nasty, judgemental person who would have preferred this woman stay at home rather than make you feel uncomfortable with her staying within her limited budget.

Your later posts redeemed you, maybe you won't be so judgemental in the future and realize there are nice people out there that don't have to splash money around just to be liked.

DarylDixonsJockstrap · 05/12/2016 12:11

Am i the only one here who thinks referring to this woman as "poor" is a bit patronising? I might be being U but to me it's a bit Oliver Twist. Does anyone really refer to anyone as poor these days?

Willow2016 · 05/12/2016 12:54

I dont think you have a clue what it means to be on jsa!

When I was on it I didnt get anything else and I went without meals to ensure my kids had proper home cooked meals on the table never mind going out and socialising, I just couldnt afford to do that!

Your friend is there for her company not to be in a competition to see who can spend the most on food and drink. And its not your place to decide what the group does anyway, you are new to them you fit in with them!

She sounds like she is managing her pitiful benefits well and still managing to go out and see friends. She can hold her head up high that she is taking responsibility for living within her means and not relying on anyone to pay for her yet you see this as a fault? Can you imagin what its like to have to ask for tap water and the cheapest thing on the menu when your friends are downing overpriced cocktails and stuffing themselves with 3 course meals? (While looking down their nose at you for not being 'sociable' enough)

Get over yourself. Making home made food and bringing it means much more time and effort has been put into it as opposed to getting pissed on cocktails.

I can imagin plenty worse things than avoiding alcohol every time I go out, watching others getting pissed and judgy being one of them.

judybloomno5 · 05/12/2016 13:00

You're mean!

Does it matter if she is stingy or poor? I imagine she's poor if she's unemployed?

MommaGee · 05/12/2016 13:22

TBH wowow if I was her I wouldn't come out with you not cos she 's poor but cos you aren't very nice!
Oohh she's just sat there SOBER eating WITHIN HER MEANS and NOT bedding for handouts and it ruins my meal!! I'm haply to pity her and sneak her bits from my plate if only she'd say outliningoud I'M POOR, I'm so PATHETIC!!

What next? Is she just lazy or bad at interviews? She comes out with us to socialise but it would be much more comfortable for me if she just got a job and spent more on alcohol!!

MommaGee · 05/12/2016 13:24

Daryl what term makes you feel more comfortable? Under financed? People ARE poor. It's a fact not a judgement. Families live below the poverty line, old people have to choose between heating or food, the homeless are all around you. They're poor

bummymummy77 · 05/12/2016 13:25

I think she may be Professor Moody and you should confiscate her polyjuice.

misshelena · 05/12/2016 14:12

OP -- You are mean. I don't believe you are "confused" for one second.

Daryl -- No, calling someone poor is not "patronizing". It just is.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 05/12/2016 14:18

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

Is it a requirement that people drink alcohol in your presence? Lots of alcohol don't drink OP. It's judgemental people like you that make it harder for teetotallers to socialise.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 05/12/2016 14:18

*Lots of people

Ahickiefromkinickie · 05/12/2016 14:20

Sadly I don't think OP is a troll

EBearhug · 05/12/2016 14:29

Tap water is my drink of choice. I don't need to get drunk to have a good time, because I can chat to people as easily when I'm sober. I have been out with people who have refused to get me a water when they are going to the bar. If people don't like me drinking water, I don't think I am the one with the problem. It's not like I'm sat there, telling them they're going to the devil because they're drinking, or pointing out how many calories are in a glass or wine or anything else preachy, which would make it a problem. I go out to see people, not to drink. I expect your friend is like that, whether or not she has much money to spare.

StarsandSparkles · 05/12/2016 14:31

Your friend sounds really nice however you dont come across as very nice from your posts. Im a single mum on benefits atm and it is horrible having to count every penny that you get. If i take my ds for lunch i get a starter and share it and theres nothing wrong with tap water most places it is free so i pick that option or i get diluting juice as its way cheaper than fizzy juice

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 05/12/2016 15:15

I would say she was poor and she doesn't want to sit in on her own dwelling on it. It's better to get out and enjoy things sober than be sat in all the time lonely.
Please show her some empathy, it can happen to anyone. She sounds like a lovely friend.

misshelena · 05/12/2016 20:17

"...whenever I've had a house party she has brought lovely homemade food to share and bought a bottle of wine which was more generous than necessary"

She is unemployed and has a tight budget, she doesn't spend on herself when she goes out, and yet she is "more than generous" to her friends when she can. And you wonder if she is "stingy"?! OP - you need to look up the definition of "stingy". Then you'll understand that you are the one who is stingy, spiritually if not physically.

Queenie2004 · 05/12/2016 21:11

You do not sound like a friend but incredibly mean. She sounds like everyone said trying to socialise on a limited budget. She does not sponge off anyone and is generous when she can be. Leave her be

HarryPottersMagicWand · 05/12/2016 21:20

Do her a favour and tell her her lack of spending is affecting your high standards where a drink is £6. Then she can feel free to spend her time with decent people. You sound bloody awful. And if she doesn't have a lot of money, she won't want your charity either. I've had not a lot of money before and I'd be mortified to have to take food and drinks off someone else. Let her do what she is doing. She clearly wants to join in take he social aspect without wasting her limit cash on poncey food and drinks.

SeenoevilSpeaknoevilHearnoevil · 05/12/2016 21:26

The fact your calling her poor is irritating me more than you judging her. Think of a less patronising and snobby word. How about maybe she's budgeting, or careful or living within her means. Anything other than poor!

elodie2000 · 05/12/2016 21:30

It sounds like she wants to socialise with you all but doesn't have the same disposable income to spend as the rest of you. She sounds lovely, she can't buy rounds so she doesn't allow people to buy her drinks, she is generous when she can cook & bring along food! She sounds nice & I would leave her be and just enjoy her company!

elodie2000 · 05/12/2016 21:33

BTW, loads of people don't drink alcohol on a night out. It's a shame that people who do think that's a problem...

Maryhadalittlelambstew · 05/12/2016 21:41

This reply has been deleted

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Alisvolatpropiis · 05/12/2016 21:42

Wow you sound really quite dull op.

threemoregoals · 05/12/2016 21:54

I think the OP is getting an unfairly hard time here. I think bringing your own drinks in your handbag and pretending you've bought them is weird, and it could feel awkward. I think the OP sounds fine.

Neaders · 05/12/2016 21:57

Gawd! She is unemployed, of course she will have less cash to spare than someone earning a wage.
You could do with being a bit more mature and supportive instead of taking the view that she negatively impacts the atmosphere. The girl wants to have a social life on a shoe string. Would it be better for her to stay at home and become depressed? You are mean!

SuperFlyHigh · 05/12/2016 21:58

To be quite honest I think OP has a high disposable income and not many outgoings so a £10 cocktail is nothing to her and sadly I don't think she's known what it's like to be poor.

I've never been poor as such as an adult unless you count me living at home to save up for a mortgage or on unemployment benefit for about 2 months about 7 years ago or as a student. I was poor as a child with my mum though (single parent).

Says a lot about OP that they really haven't got a Scooby about what it's like to be poor but instead acts all Lady Bountiful about making life easier for her "poor" friend.

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