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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she poor or just stingy

207 replies

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:41

I met my friend through work and he has introduced us to his new boyfriend. His boyfriend has then introduced us to his best friend. We actually all get on great but the problem is his best friend seems not to join in with anything.

We arrive for lunch and she will say she will meet us afterwards. She meets us afterwards for a drink and will never get more than one drink every two hours and never anything alcoholic. I have seen her get a bottle of coke or alcoholic drink out of her bag once and pretend she had bought it at the bar. She has done this a few times.

If we go to a restaurant she never buys any drink except water and gets the cheapest thing on the menu. We went found christmas markets the other day and she ate nothing!

I thought secretly to myself that she must be a bit stingy and/or not like to eat or drink much but whenever I've had a house party she has brought lovely homemade food to share and bought a bottle of wine which was more generous than necessary and she always eats loads and drinks plenty at house parties too!

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

AIBU to think she's stingy and not poor?

She never accepts any offers of food or drink from anyone else so she's not after freebies. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/12/2016 16:14

Are you trying to squeeze her out of the group OP? That's dodgy ground if you're the newbie.

barkinginessex · 04/12/2016 16:17

She's not stingy! Sounds like she's being sensible with her money, you sound judgmental and like you resent her joining you. Hope she doesn't realise she's being watched!

maggiecate · 04/12/2016 16:18

She probably enjoys getting out of the house even though she's on a tight budget and thinks it's worth it staying on water all night if she gets to enjoy the atmosphere in the pub - she might not feel the need to drink to have a good time, not everyone does.

Offering to buy her drinks might make her feel obligated to return the favour, even if you don't expect it she'd rather keep her slate clear. When she brings something to a house party that she's cooked from scratch it's a lot cheaper than eating out, and it's possible she's re-gifting the wine or got it on a meal deal or offer which makes it far more affordable than pub prices. It sounds as if she's managing her money really well to be honest and making the most of what she has without feeling beholden to anyone. Enjoy her company and let her carry on as is - if she stops coming out that's when you should start to worry.

ZoFloMoFo · 04/12/2016 16:19

OP is a Wendy.

ohdofeckoffnowdear · 04/12/2016 16:19

How dare she refuse offers of food and drink ! ConfusedHmm maybe she has pride op.

So glad that you coped just wonderfully when you were on income support. You don't know this girls outgoings. And just because she is currently out of work does not mean she wants to stay in, she must enjoy the company. You are not coming across nice at all in this op, stop judging her and leave her be for fucks sale.

Badcat666 · 04/12/2016 16:19

*I don't mean to be horrible. But personally, I can't think of much worse than sitting round a table of people, having to drink tap water all evening while they tuck into all sorts of yummy things. I can't think of anything worse.

She has never told her she hasn't got enough money for things so has to constantly make up excuses for why she isn't buying a drink. It must be exhausting.

We do meet up at each houses too which is cheap. If I was her I just wouldn't put myself through it and stick with the house parties.*

OMFG OP. At first I thought you were lacking in braincells but it seems you only want to have friends of a certain caliber to meet your standards.

She doesn't mention money because being poor can make you feel like shit and ashamed.

I think, deep down you are just jealous of her due to her being the best friend of your "new friends" partner and want them all to yourself. They are obviously aware she doesn't have much money but still love her and invite her out.

How very dare her going out and ordering the cheapest meal and drinking water!! ZOMG!!

Us poor people should never be seen in public. Or in restaurants (unless we are outside with our noses pressed against the windows like little orphans in the snow watching you quaff your cocktails)

SapphireStrange · 04/12/2016 16:20

She's sensible/budgeting, I think, but wants to carry on going out with friends.

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. I don't drink so 'sit there sober' whenever my friends and I go to dinner/the pub. No one's ever complained that I adversely affect the atmosphere. Hmm

Be a nicer friend.

iwantthegroundtoswallowmeup · 04/12/2016 16:20

Wow you are horrible :( I've been in this position before and it's really not nice and I hated accepting offers for drinks etc as I would be unable to repay as it what's expected, someone buys you a drink you get them one back. Let's hope your not in this position but then again I doubt anyone would be as mean to/about as you are about your supposed mate.

You may think people are picking on you and you may not be expressing yourself properly but you are coming across as a right dick. Think about what you are saying and how it will be perceived.

Graphista · 04/12/2016 16:21

"I've known a few of those, and it's not the tee-totaller who's boring and looks like a twat........"

Yep, the friend here is likely not drinking to save money (and possibly also has young children to deal with the following morning).

I don't drink because I can't on the meds I'm on, among my circle I have people who

Don't like the taste of alcohol
Are recovering addicts
Are like me unable to drink for medical reasons
Are/were the partners/children of addicts and so it has negative memories for them
Are driving that night
Are ttc/pregnant
It's against their religious beliefs

Drinking alcohol isn't compulsory nor does not drinking on a night out mean you're no fun! When I'm well enough for nights out I'm first on the dance floor/karaoke!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/12/2016 16:21

OP you do realise you're being mean don't you? Your posts sound snobby to me, like you're looking down on her.

BraveDancing · 04/12/2016 16:23

God, you sound horrible. I don't drink alcohol either because of some medication I'm on. Should I just never go out?

There is no law about drinking tap water and no one is obliged to eat fillet steak or caviar for dinner either. You sound v judgemental.

pklme · 04/12/2016 16:23

IT sounds as though she is living within her budget, very responsibly. She doesn't want other people to 'carry' her, and she doesn't want to miss out on the social life you are having.

It would be great if some of the outings you organise were less pricey- that's a really kind thought. I wouldn't want to draw attention to the fact that I was skint, and have found myself in some tricky situations where I ended up spending much more than I should due to people being a bit thoughtless. I wouldn't want to stop people going to places they want to go to, either. I'm that person who has a starter instead of a main, or doesn't have a pudding. I usually drink tap water because drinks really ramp up the cost of a night out. It's tricky!

DesolateWaist · 04/12/2016 16:24

Perhaps she doesn't drink because if she got pissed she'd tell you what she thought of you.

pudcat · 04/12/2016 16:25

OP if you don't like her drinking water and buying the cheaper options on the menu then I suggest you do not go to the meet ups.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2016 16:27

I also agree, it sounds like you'd rather squeeze her out and it just be you and the two men.

If was you I'd sit and have a think about what kind of person i am, because either uour snobby and judgemental about how much people can afford or you don't like other women too much and don't want them around. Either way you don't come out of this as a nice person.

stitchglitched · 04/12/2016 16:27

Of course she will need to budget if she is on income support. I'm sure you did too when (if) you were ever claiming it, unless this is some bizarre round-the-houses benefit bashing thread about how benefits give people loads of money. The idea that you are so lacking in intelligence or empathy to understand why someone might struggle financially is depressing, as is your annoyance that she still tries to join in as much as her budget allows.

Graphista · 04/12/2016 16:28

I'm thinking another reason she may not be accepting the ops 'kind' offer of drinks/food is because she has RIGHTLY sussed that op would judge and criticise her for this!

7SunshineSeven7 · 04/12/2016 16:28

Could be a couple of things:

She's stingy . But this would be none of your business as its not effecting you and she is not asking you to pay for things without paying you back etc.

She's poor . In which case she won't want to tell you or bring attention to it as she may be embarrassed - she is making the effort to spend time with you though so obviously values you as a friend. She could be mortified if you offered her your food and drink or to pay for things etc.

She may have an anxiety about eating/drinking out . This could be people watching her eat/drink or fear of getting sick from certain places (I also experience this so its understandable).

Or she's just really practical . I take a drink with me wherever I go incase I'm thirsty on the way or something - I don't buy things that are overpriced, I'm not poor but I don't see the point in spending £3 on a bottle of pop when I could bring my own.

When you go to parties she is bringing homecooked stuff - how do you know that didn't cost more than your wine? If she bought meat special or other ingredients the cost and time taken to cook would equal your drink. It could even be that someone liked a dish she brought once and has asked her to cook it and bring it to their party too.

Either way I think YABU - its not effecting you or anybody else in anyway so you should just mind your own business and leave her be.

7SunshineSeven7 · 04/12/2016 16:29

Could be a couple of things:

She's stingy . But this would be none of your business as its not effecting you and she is not asking you to pay for things without paying you back etc.

She's poor . In which case she won't want to tell you or bring attention to it as she may be embarrassed - she is making the effort to spend time with you though so obviously values you as a friend. She could be mortified if you offered her your food and drink or to pay for things etc.

She may have an anxiety about eating/drinking out . This could be people watching her eat/drink or fear of getting sick from certain places (I also experience this so its understandable).

Or she's just really practical . I take a drink with me wherever I go incase I'm thirsty on the way or something - I don't buy things that are overpriced, I'm not poor but I don't see the point in spending £3 on a bottle of pop when I could bring my own.

When you go to parties she is bringing homecooked stuff - how do you know that didn't cost more than your wine? If she bought meat special or other ingredients the cost and time taken to cook would equal your drink. It could even be that someone liked a dish she brought once and has asked her to cook it and bring it to their party too.

Either way I think YABU - its not effecting you or anybody else in anyway so you should just mind your own business and leave her be.

JustHereForThePooStories · 04/12/2016 16:29

OP, you're shockingly lacking in self-awareness. It's a horrible trait.

7SunshineSeven7 · 04/12/2016 16:30

Oops, sorry for the double post Confused

happychristmasbum · 04/12/2016 16:31

Welcome to Mumsnet - Reported (sigh)

AngelBlue12 · 04/12/2016 16:32

I'm not skint and I'll always ask for tap water at a restaurant simply because I prefer drinking water!

Original poster
wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 16:33

Thanks everyone.
We're obviously going to have to be a bit more creative with our socialising in future but I think that will be good for all of us anyway.

She suggested homemade afternoon tea and we're having it at mine and she's brining scones, cream and jam and we are making up the rest.

I actually enjoyed our pot luck dinner much more than eating out and she's introduced me to a few cheap restaurants that I actually enjoyed. She wanted to go wetherspoons once and I secretly thought it sounded terrible but my meal was delicious and cost £6 with a drink.

That would be one drink in places I usually go.

She obviously likes me as she has invited me over for a drink (tea and biscuits) later in the week.

We don't meet up all the time. Once a week at most and some times only once a month. \

I might not seem nice from my OP but I'm not awful. I actually care hence the post. If I didn't care I wouldn't bother to write.

I will make sure to include mainly low cost options form now on.

OP posts:
MrsRonBurgundy · 04/12/2016 16:33

OP you sound vile

Get on with your own evening and don't take any notice of what she's eating and drinking. I'm so thankful that I've never had a 'friend' like you.