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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she poor or just stingy

207 replies

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:41

I met my friend through work and he has introduced us to his new boyfriend. His boyfriend has then introduced us to his best friend. We actually all get on great but the problem is his best friend seems not to join in with anything.

We arrive for lunch and she will say she will meet us afterwards. She meets us afterwards for a drink and will never get more than one drink every two hours and never anything alcoholic. I have seen her get a bottle of coke or alcoholic drink out of her bag once and pretend she had bought it at the bar. She has done this a few times.

If we go to a restaurant she never buys any drink except water and gets the cheapest thing on the menu. We went found christmas markets the other day and she ate nothing!

I thought secretly to myself that she must be a bit stingy and/or not like to eat or drink much but whenever I've had a house party she has brought lovely homemade food to share and bought a bottle of wine which was more generous than necessary and she always eats loads and drinks plenty at house parties too!

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

AIBU to think she's stingy and not poor?

She never accepts any offers of food or drink from anyone else so she's not after freebies. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/12/2016 16:34

Shes unemployed and living within her means. Would you prefer to have no social life because she's skint?

This.

If you 'didn't feel poor' or manage to do so much whilst on IS yourself I suggest that you were also getting money from elsewhere.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2016 16:36

I have reported this thread!

Lewwat · 04/12/2016 16:38

A wetherspoons!!!! You poor dear..... You must feel tainted by rubbing shoulders with the great unwashed. Hmm

AcrossthePond55 · 04/12/2016 16:39

It's very frequent that I have to sit with 'nothing' whilst those around me eat 'yummy things'. I have Coeliac Disease. In her case, she's either poor or choosing to put her financial resources towards something else. Either way, it's none of your business. And if you don't think she's hasn't noticed you eyeballing her, you are wrong. And very unkind.

To quote the "Good Book" I think you should take the plank out of your own eye before you worry about the speck in hers. In other words MYOB.

7SunshineSeven7 · 04/12/2016 16:42

she's brining scones, cream and jam and we are making up the rest.

What exactly do you have to ''make up'' with the rest of it? Except maybe the tea to drink and maybe some butties. Scones, cream and jam are expensive. I think you need to stop looking down at her. It sounds like she tries to make things even between you, hosting alternately.

That would be one drink in places I usually go. Where are you going?!

Dagnabit · 04/12/2016 16:46

Does daddy fund you, OP? You sound utterly abhorrent.

daisychain01 · 04/12/2016 16:47

I will make sure to include mainly low cost options form now on

So magnanimous.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 04/12/2016 16:48

Jesus you sound vile OP, what a judgemental mare you are!

If she's any sense she'll stop socialising with you and make friends with people who aren't so stuck up and actually enjoy her company regardless of her means.

How shallow and pathetic.

Graphista · 04/12/2016 16:49

Fuck! Wetherspoons for me is a special treat! (And I'm probably better off than her!)

For me a 'regular' meal out would be local pub where I can for £10 have a meal (main and pudding) plus a few drinks to last the evening!

I too am thinking

If you were on income support it was a long time ago when prices were lower and it went further than it does now.

Or you weren't

Or you were making money elsewhere (possible on income support if working only a few hours)

SemiNormal · 04/12/2016 16:49

You can't help notice and I'm sure anyone here would notice a friend who had ordered tap water all evening. - Whenever I go out for a meal I have tap water. I don't drink alcohol and fizzy drinks just fill me up too much to be able to finish my meal, I refuse to pay for bottled water when I can have tap water for free! None of my friends would bat an eyelid and on more than one occasion new friends have been so glad because they then feel able to do the same without feeling judged by people like you OP.

OohhThatsMe · 04/12/2016 16:51

At the risk of having my arse booted by MN, I think this is a trolling thread. Reporting now.

daisychain01 · 04/12/2016 16:51

I expect the last thing on her mind is "yummy things"

She's working out how to make her budget last, while maintaining a half- reasonable social life. I'd say that's to be admired, not sneered at.

YelloDraw · 04/12/2016 16:52

How horrible is that? Why doesn't she just not come?!? FFS

She probably likes hanging out with you, and thinks you like hanging out with her if she is drinking or not. Maybe let her know you don't lie her??

Graphista · 04/12/2016 16:57

'I will make sure to include mainly low cost options form now on'

A you make that sound like a massive 'sacrifice' on your part and I'm fairly certain you'll make her and the couple you're friends through aware of your 'martyrdom'

B the arrogance that you think it's YOUR choice what you as a group do when YOU'RE The new person! I also wonder if you've been pushing to go to more expensive places they (plural) don't really want to.

C I suspect this makes you think/feel you are being wonderfully kind and thoughtful and bounteous!

Let them eat cake indeed!

OhFuckOff · 04/12/2016 16:59

She sounds sensible and really nice to me. You on the other hand sound spiteful.

VinoTime · 04/12/2016 17:06

OP is there any need for the spite? The poor woman sounds like she's doing incredibly well to retain a social life under very difficult financial circumstances Sad I don't understand what your problem is...?

Speaking as a single mum who doesn't earn a great deal, I can fully understand why this woman makes the choices she does. I love taking my DD out for a treat, but it's usually a cheap one as that's what is usually affordable to us. I deliberately skipped the meal part of my works Christmas do this year because I couldn't justify the £30 cost, so instead I joined everybody for a few drinks afterwards. I'm not a big drinker at all, so I had maybe 3 alcoholic drinks and then went onto tap water - I can't drink anything fizzy as my stomach reacts terribly to the bubbles and l can't drink much fruit juice as I find it quite sickly. I didn't go to drink and get pissed, I went to spend time with work colleagues I'm friendly with and have a good giggle.

I think you're being terribly unfair to the woman. She clearly has some limitations in place right now and you should (silently) applaud her for managing them so well, not turn your nose up at her.

IAmNotACat · 04/12/2016 17:12

We're obviously going to have to be a bit more creative with our socialising in future but I think that will be good for all of us anyway.

What? Why?

You're new to this group. Why would it be down to you to change the dynamics of the group if they needed to be changed?

This woman doesn't need you banging on about picking cheaper places and drawing attention to her. She's fine as she is otherwise she wouldn't come along.

I don't drink and resent buying soft drinks at restaurant prices so I'd be the one ordering tap water all night too. As for only eating the cheapest thing on the menu or choosing not to eat sometimes, why do you care? How does what someone else eats or does not eat affect you?

I also don't understand why, even if someone had a high income, it would be considered stingy to choose not to spend a lot of money on drinks and food while out. If they were having everyone buy a drink for them and never getting a round then yes, that's stingy, but stingy is a word usually used to describe not being willing to give/spend on other people. Don't think a person can be considered stingy for not wanting to spend a lot on themselves.

And stop saying you'd offer her your food and drink. She's not a charity case.

MrsNuckyThompson · 04/12/2016 17:16

I can see where you're coming from but I do think YABU to say she should just not come!! If she is poor is she not also entitled to her social life??

GruffaloPants · 04/12/2016 17:22

She sounds poor.

Would you rather she stayed away, or moaned about being skint? It seems like she's trying to join in without impacting on others.

Katy07 · 04/12/2016 17:23

If she stayed in instead you'd probably accuse her of being miserable and anti-social - poor bugger can't win Confused

witsender · 04/12/2016 17:26

She sounds nice and she sounds happy. I'm not broke but often just drink tap water when out...I don't always feel like drinking but prefer water to soft drinks. But won't pay for mineral water when plain will do!

pudcat · 04/12/2016 17:27

You sound so condescending. I should hate to go out with you and have you looking down your nose at me.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2016 17:28

I will make sure to include mainly low cost options form now on.

DramaInPyjamas · 04/12/2016 17:32

"It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober."

You don't need to get pissed to have a good time, sober people can have fun too

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 04/12/2016 17:34

She sounds great. Very sensible and sociable. I'd rather have her as a friend than the OP.....

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