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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she poor or just stingy

207 replies

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:41

I met my friend through work and he has introduced us to his new boyfriend. His boyfriend has then introduced us to his best friend. We actually all get on great but the problem is his best friend seems not to join in with anything.

We arrive for lunch and she will say she will meet us afterwards. She meets us afterwards for a drink and will never get more than one drink every two hours and never anything alcoholic. I have seen her get a bottle of coke or alcoholic drink out of her bag once and pretend she had bought it at the bar. She has done this a few times.

If we go to a restaurant she never buys any drink except water and gets the cheapest thing on the menu. We went found christmas markets the other day and she ate nothing!

I thought secretly to myself that she must be a bit stingy and/or not like to eat or drink much but whenever I've had a house party she has brought lovely homemade food to share and bought a bottle of wine which was more generous than necessary and she always eats loads and drinks plenty at house parties too!

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

AIBU to think she's stingy and not poor?

She never accepts any offers of food or drink from anyone else so she's not after freebies. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
FireFLYing19 · 04/12/2016 16:04

So what if she just drinks tap water, that's all I ever have when eating out. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, people drink what they wish. Damn leave her to it.

user1480182169 · 04/12/2016 16:04

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

You're totally right, poor people should just stay at home, not have any friends, and not spoil the atmosphere for those with enough money to have a life.

Hmm
Liiinoo · 04/12/2016 16:05

She sounds lovely. Sociable, friendly, dignified, generous when she can afford to be, definitely not a sponger, not burdening other people with her money worries. Count yourself lucky she wants to spend time with you.

Badcat666 · 04/12/2016 16:06

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

err.. because the lass could be poor? Not rocket science is it?

Meeting you after lunch means she can perhaps eat at home and not waste a fortune but still spend time with her "friends".

Drinks in a pub are expensive so bringing her own means she can still join in the fun but not spend £2 on a glass coke. Maybe she doesn't like booze?

Picking the cheapest thing on the menu and drinks water? She can't afford to have a cocktail or the fillet of steak or the veal but still wants to go out and enjoy being with her friends.

Wow.... I wonder if my friends do this to me as well? Oh wait! They don't! Because they don't judge me because I can't spend a lot when I go out. In fact they will every now and then pay for my drinks or a nice main for me because they care for me and love me.

Also it is cheaper to buy a bottle and bake something lovely for a home do and drink and eat there because she most probably doesn't feel intimated as there isn't a price list attached to everything.

Perhaps stop judging someone on the fact they don't spend the same amount as you on a meal. Be grateful you CAN afford cocktails and whatever you fancy to eat.

Also... perhaps ask her next time if she fancies a cocktail and you pay for it if you are so worried she isn't having cocktails like the rest of you.

gamerchick · 04/12/2016 16:06

I swear I cant believe what me eyes read sometimes. Grin

CremeEggThief · 04/12/2016 16:07

Income support or Job Seeker's Allowance is £73.10 for over 25s per week...

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/12/2016 16:07

You lived on income support and didn't feel poor. Bully for you. Some might say you must have been up to something if you could afford to live like a Queen being in receipt of I.S.

You don't think you have to budget. on i.s. What planet are you on.
I hope to God you're not a financial advisor.

Graphista · 04/12/2016 16:08

Jesus with 'friends' like you who needs Theresa May?!

YOU were quick to judge and did so without applying common sense, empathy or kindness.

It's NOT 'hard to tell' because you KNEW she was unemployed that fact alone = Doesn't have much spare money for socialising.

You come across here as immature, thoughtless and nasty.

I too hope the rest of this group see you for what you really are - I suspect if they did they'd drop you like a brick!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2016 16:08

That's right user14, op is sounding like a spoiled brat. The poor person sounds like she really cannot afford it, why should be stuck in doors all the time. She is trying to make the best of a tough situation. It must be really tough on her, this time of year, with parties, festives, meals out, and smug people like the op. Hope that your never in that situation where you are short of money and need to tighten your belt a bit!

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 04/12/2016 16:08

Re not accepting your offers of buying food and drink, just because she's poor doesn't mean she wants to be seen as a charity case.

I think this says a lot more about you then it does her.

Pinkheart5915 · 04/12/2016 16:08

Your new to this friendship group, is it just a case of you not liking the long standing friend?

if she has a good time socialising even if that's with water and something small from the menu why not? She's happy enough

When I go out in a group TBH I couldn't even tell you what half of the eat and drink, and I don't really care

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 04/12/2016 16:08

If I was her I just wouldn't put myself through it and stick with the house parties.

But your not her, and she isn't you.

It can't be easy for her (as you acknowledge) to sit and starve all night, and just drink water - but just imagine how much worse she would feel sitting alone in her home night after night? She is entitled to a social life, and she has more sense than to get into debt trying to keep up with the rest of you. Nor is she trying to sponge off anyone (and if you read about some of the spongers on these threads it will make your eyes pop!) - I think that's laudable.

Perhaps you could all go out to cheaper places more often, as she seems to enjoy a meal when she can afford one. As you have enjoyed the food she brings to house parties, why not insist on buying her a delicious drink (not a half of ale!) as a PP suggested, when you go out and say "The quiche/cake/lasagne/whatever you brought to my/Helen's/ Sean's party on Friday was fabulous! I won't take "no" for an answer!" (You do realise that she probably blows about two days food budget - at least - on the food she brings, don't you - she just can't afford not to eat for a week.) Or insist on buying her a meal occasionally because her home-cooked food is so good (it sounds like it is especially good, from what you write).

She sounds a lovely, thoughtful, sociable girl and you are lucky to have her in your company.

What do your other friends think about her eating and drinking habits.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 04/12/2016 16:09

don't mean to be horrible. But personally, I can't think of much worse than sitting round a table of people, having to drink tap water all evening while they tuck into all sorts of yummy things. I can't think of anything worse.

So would you rather she didn't socialise at all? Projecting your own ideas on someone else's behaviour is bizarre. What's her alternative, sit at home alone drinking tap water? Good for her for coming out to socialise and sticking to her budget.

You sound incredibly snooty, OP.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2016 16:10

Op, I'd stop posting if I was you, the old adage of when you're in a hole stop digging is apt here.

You're coming across as hugely judgemental, materialistic and rather nasty.

Oh and what's worse than going out and not being able to afford to eat and drink as much as others? Let me think, what about not going out at all and sitting in being miserable. Although clearly you'd much prefer it if that's exactly what she did.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 04/12/2016 16:10

Jesus with 'friends' like you who needs Theresa May?

Grin
Ibelieve123 · 04/12/2016 16:10

She sounds like she's doing her best, and you sound snobby & judgemental op.
Stop being so interested in what others are Doing. It's absolutely none of your business she's not doing anyone any harm at all

Redglitter · 04/12/2016 16:11

You're a charmer. So your unemployed friend is making the best of a bad situation by socialising and probably being embarrassed at wgat she's ordering but you think she should stay at home rather than spoil the atmosphere. Lovely!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/12/2016 16:12

Even Theresa May isn't that ignorant to think you don't have to budget when you're on benefits.

MandyFl0ss · 04/12/2016 16:13

You are not coming across very nicely at all OP.
So this person joins in social evens but doesn't eat or drink beyond her means, she pays her way, she doesn't accept freebies, and you have a problem with her why exactly?

Serialweightwatcher · 04/12/2016 16:13

I drink tap water if we go out because I don't drink anymore and don't like fizzy drinks - I'm not stingy .... don't know why it bothers you if she wants to be there and do her thing so what?

Bailey101 · 04/12/2016 16:14

OP are you own those people who people who goes on about non-drinkers being boring and ruining eveyone else's night out? I've known a few of those, and it's not the tee-totaller who's boring and looks like a twat........

Graphista · 04/12/2016 16:14

Plus I've just looked at current criteria for income support - by the looks of it she must be either a parent or a refugee.

Is one of these another reason you're judging her?

roundaboutthetown · 04/12/2016 16:14

?! She likes people's company, so she comes along and joins in. If she is having fun in your company while drinking water, why is this bothersome to you? Clearly she is a generous person as she will make a big effort at people's house parties. She probably doesn't want to feel obliged to someone, though, by accepting them buying food or drink for her, if she cannot afford to reciprocate. If she is happy coming along to meals out on those terms, I don't really understand why you have a problem with it, tbh.

Fairylea · 04/12/2016 16:14

Just because you found it easy to budget and have a social life on income support doesn't mean everyone else will. People have different outgoings, previous debts they are trying to juggle, different dependents etc. If income support was enough for most people we wouldn't have food banks.

SmellySphinx · 04/12/2016 16:14

Of course she refuses when you offer to buy her a drink, she would feel obliged to buy one back because that's the kind of polite thing you do. She would have every reason to refuse because otherwise she would have to keep saying yes - in which case you'd probably think she was a tight arse and never bought you a drink back. Or, she would just decline and keep doing what she is doing.
If she wants to go out on a tight budget then she can eat and drink what she wants. You're there to share each others company not compare standards on what you can afford. She probably feels self conscious as it is. I'd rather someone with your opinions stay at home and leave me to enjoy myself on a night out without being judged all the time.
God only knows what type of income support you were on to be able to afford to regularly socialise either.
Hope you're joking.

It's a joke innit!?!?

I can't believe anyone who claims to have been on income support previously or 'poor' would need this explaining to them.