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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is she poor or just stingy

207 replies

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:41

I met my friend through work and he has introduced us to his new boyfriend. His boyfriend has then introduced us to his best friend. We actually all get on great but the problem is his best friend seems not to join in with anything.

We arrive for lunch and she will say she will meet us afterwards. She meets us afterwards for a drink and will never get more than one drink every two hours and never anything alcoholic. I have seen her get a bottle of coke or alcoholic drink out of her bag once and pretend she had bought it at the bar. She has done this a few times.

If we go to a restaurant she never buys any drink except water and gets the cheapest thing on the menu. We went found christmas markets the other day and she ate nothing!

I thought secretly to myself that she must be a bit stingy and/or not like to eat or drink much but whenever I've had a house party she has brought lovely homemade food to share and bought a bottle of wine which was more generous than necessary and she always eats loads and drinks plenty at house parties too!

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

AIBU to think she's stingy and not poor?

She never accepts any offers of food or drink from anyone else so she's not after freebies. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 04/12/2016 15:54

If she's unemployed I think common sense should tell you that she's poor rather than mean.

So because she has the misfortine to be unemployed she shouldn't be allowed out to play with you and your gang.. You might find yourself in the same situation one day.
She refuses drinks because she can't afford to buy people one in return. If she did accept drinks. You'd be on here calling her. Saying she accepts drinks off people and doesn't buy them one back. Poor women can't win.

gamerchick · 04/12/2016 15:54

Well I wouldn't be calling them a tightarse on the internet. Leave her alone.

Original poster

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:54

I don't mean to be horrible. But personally, I can't think of much worse than sitting round a table of people, having to drink tap water all evening while they tuck into all sorts of yummy things. I can't think of anything worse.

She has never told her she hasn't got enough money for things so has to constantly make up excuses for why she isn't buying a drink. It must be exhausting.

We do meet up at each houses too which is cheap. If I was her I just wouldn't put myself through it and stick with the house parties.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2016 15:54

You said that she is unemployed, so that tells you all you need to know. Stop judging and enjoy your night. So she should stay in, then all the time. The main thing is going out with friends, and being with people, got getting sozzled.

littlesallyracket · 04/12/2016 15:54

If you know she is unemployed, how on earth do you think she could NOT be poor?

You seem really naive about money.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 04/12/2016 15:55

You could have chosen to be a bit nicer for your first thread op .

ClarissaDarling · 04/12/2016 15:55

Why does her not drinking affect the atmosphere? So no-one else has ever been ttc/pregnant/driving/just not drinking? You know you don't get to call the shots who gets to go where!

DelphiniumBlue · 04/12/2016 15:55

She's clearly skint. Have a bit more compassion - maybe plan events that don't cost so much? Eating out is very expensive and not really manageable if you are unemployed, which I guess is why she joins you afterwards for drinks. She obviously doesn't want to accept food/drinks from people if she can't afford to return the favour, but doesn't want to miss out on socialising with you all.
You could suggest walks, movie nights at someone's house, picnics ( in better weather!). If you are in London, lots of the museums and galleries run evening events which are often free. I'm sure you can come up with more ideas.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2016 15:55

You sound nasty and bitchy.

Original poster

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:55

I do like her a lot. She's lovely. Just thought the tightly regulating what you spend to that extent was odd.

OP posts:

CondensedMilkSarnies · 04/12/2016 15:56

You are sounding nastier with each post

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2016 15:56

Jeez, really, you think if she can't afford it she should not come, just leave you to it? What sit in with her other unemployed friends?

She's unemployed and you don't know if she's poor or it's stinginess? You can't be serious? How many folks do you know on the dole who are rolling in it? She's also generous when she can afford to be? Eats and drinks when the cost is low?

I really hope you never become unemployed. Then you can sit home and not go out, knowing it's the right thing to do so as not to make anyone else uncomfortable with your objectionable poverty.

Unpleasant thread.

PNGirl · 04/12/2016 15:56

If you hadn't said she was unemployed then I would have sympathised, having had a friend who was one of those "why would I pay £10 for a pasta dish when I could make it at home" people. In that case when you know they have money but think everything is a waste, it's hard going out with them.

However as she's unemployed, I would have thought that it wad obvious her budget wouldn't extend to multiple cocktails a go...

BubbleGumBubble · 04/12/2016 15:57

I just didn't know if it was that or if she was stingy with money.

She is unemoyed how rich do you think she is

You sound like an awful friend and a bit dim too.
Enjoy your friends company and stop judging her.
Maybe as a group go to more of the cheaper venues so that she can afford to get more for her money and you wont have a rwason to judge how much she eats or drinks.

ZoFloMoFo · 04/12/2016 15:58

If I was her I just wouldn't put myself through it and stick with the house parties

Well aren't you a peach

I wouldn't give it much more thought. Won't be long before your new friends see for themselves what a nasty piece of work you are and drop you like a steaming turd.

Doobigetta · 04/12/2016 15:59

She's poor, you're mean. HTH.

Sparlklesilverglitter · 04/12/2016 15:59

personally, I can't think of much worse than sitting round a table of people, having to drink tap water all evening while they tuck into all sorts of yummy things. I can't think of anything worse

But that is you OP, maybe she doesn't need expensive cocktails and over priced food to enjoy herself.

I don't see how her not drinking effects the atmosphere, have you never been out with someone that doesn't drink or is pregnant/ just doesn't fancy it?
I know many people that don't drink and order water because they won't pay for a soft drink or don't like fizzy drinks for example

Your the new one to this group of friends yet you are very unkind I think about her

NoahVale · 04/12/2016 15:59

how much do you think unemployed people get op?
astounded by your ignorance.

Original poster

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:59

So I shall try and arrange some cheaper meet ups.

Thanks for the replies. People are very quick to judge on forums like this but I honestly didn't know if she was just poor or being weirdly stingy and I think it's hard to tell.

When I've offered her drink and food I've been clear it's not given with an exception of anything in return (genuinely the case) but she does still refuse.

I will arrange a few more house parties for her to attend,.

OP posts:

PNGirl · 04/12/2016 16:01

There is no such thing as "stingy" when you are unemployed! Why are you not getting this?

Original poster

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 16:02

She is on income support. I've been on income support and didn't feel poor. I had enough to live on and socialised regularly.
Her circumstances will be different to mine I agree but I wouldn't have thought that kind of income required that much budget. Upto her though I suppose.

OP posts:

GeekyWombat · 04/12/2016 16:02

Wow, is there a subtext here that we're missing? Do you not like her (old, established friend of your new friend) coming out with you?

You might not mean to be horrible but you really really are. Maybe she, quaintly, enjoys spending time with her friends and doesn't want to have to tell people every element of her personal situation. Keep your faux concern to yourself (as well as any 'subtle' passing of your food and drink to her poor impoverished mouth, I'm sure she'd be mortified).

EatTheCake · 04/12/2016 16:03

Really?

Your new to this friendship group but you talk about the long standing friend like this ?

She effects the atmosphere by not not getting pisssed on expensive cocktails? You don't know anyone that never drinks?

She orderes water, well I dot blame her I refuse to pay £4 a Cola when out- Oh I'm tight not poor by the way

Maybe you initial post is badly worded by you do sound bitchy Oh look at c all poor in the corner with her water

CoolCarrie · 04/12/2016 16:03

OP you sound like a bitch and you aren't doing yourself any favours by judging someone on what they eat or drink. Grow up you nasty piece

MadisonMontgomery · 04/12/2016 16:04

You genuinely didn't know whether she was poor or stingy? She's unemployed FFS, did you really need the power of MN to point out that she's probably skint

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