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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she poor or just stingy

207 replies

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:41

I met my friend through work and he has introduced us to his new boyfriend. His boyfriend has then introduced us to his best friend. We actually all get on great but the problem is his best friend seems not to join in with anything.

We arrive for lunch and she will say she will meet us afterwards. She meets us afterwards for a drink and will never get more than one drink every two hours and never anything alcoholic. I have seen her get a bottle of coke or alcoholic drink out of her bag once and pretend she had bought it at the bar. She has done this a few times.

If we go to a restaurant she never buys any drink except water and gets the cheapest thing on the menu. We went found christmas markets the other day and she ate nothing!

I thought secretly to myself that she must be a bit stingy and/or not like to eat or drink much but whenever I've had a house party she has brought lovely homemade food to share and bought a bottle of wine which was more generous than necessary and she always eats loads and drinks plenty at house parties too!

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

AIBU to think she's stingy and not poor?

She never accepts any offers of food or drink from anyone else so she's not after freebies. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
wowfudge · 04/12/2016 17:36

Now come on pp - the OP has had a bashing on this thread, rightly so, and come back and held her hands up. No need to carry on having a go at her.

7SunshineSeven7 · 04/12/2016 17:37

wowfudge I think its because even as she's come back, she's still being awfully judgmental and condescending.

queenMab99 · 04/12/2016 17:47

How dare she contaminate your social life with her poverty and sobriety.

ilovesooty · 04/12/2016 17:49

I don't think I really understand the dynamic of the group but it sounds as though she's socialising within her means.

HyacinthFuckit · 04/12/2016 17:52

Paying that much attention to what other people eat and drink is pretty weird OP.

AllPartOfThePlan · 04/12/2016 17:53

She's broke, clearly, but still wants to have a life and be sociable. Are you implying that she shouldn't socialise if she can't afford to buy rounds and alcohol and 3 course lobster meals?

LilQueenie · 04/12/2016 17:57

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober.

Some people don't drink alcohol but you invite the person not the alcohol.

wowfudge · 04/12/2016 18:10

I think she's putting it clumsily rather than anything else.

MudCity · 04/12/2016 18:11

She sounds lovely and is very generous when she can be which speaks volumes.

Being able to, or wanting to, but drinks at £6 a time doesn't make you a better person.

Just because she is different to you doesn't make her less important. One day you might fall on hard times and realise that, for some, going to Wetherspoons is a luxury,

LuluJakey1 · 04/12/2016 18:13

Well it isn't you and she can do as she chooses so shut up and go away. You sound like a 'mean girl' in Y10.

Ohdearducks · 04/12/2016 18:14

Stop wondering about what she's doing, it's none of your business. She's having a good time and not hurting anyone so stop obsessing over it.

pklme · 04/12/2016 18:18

I'm constantly amazed by how much people think is normal to spend. Starbucks coffees, magazines, cocktails- people treat them as everyday items when they actually cost an arm and a leg.

I don't blame the OP for not noticing how much the occasions cost, many people seem to expect this kind of expense.

Now she knows a different way of doing things. Fine. No problem.

Graphista · 04/12/2016 18:28

Pklme u think it's a bit like that friends 'haves and have nots' episode BUT that's fiction and you'd have to be pretty ignorant to not know many people right now are struggling to even have cheap basic food at home let alone eating out and £6 for one drink Shock

I take it this is in London? Cos up here somewhere with those kinda prices wouldn't last long.

PoldarksBreeches · 04/12/2016 18:30

Like fuck were you claiming income support. Do you know what the criteria for income support is?

Graphista · 04/12/2016 18:30

  • I think not you think

I wish someone with decent English would programme my autocorrect Confused

skislope · 04/12/2016 18:33

Christ you're not very bright are you, OP?

expatinscotland · 04/12/2016 18:51

'She obviously likes me as she has invited me over for a drink (tea and biscuits) later in the week.'

More fool her. Hope they all cotton on to what a jerk you are and dump you.

diamondofdoom · 04/12/2016 18:57

You seem very rude OP

I'm a single mum to a baby and on benefits. Most of the time if I go out with my friends to eat I'll get a juice and a starter, or even just a juice. Not because I want them to pity me and buy me something (in fact I'd be very embarrassed even though we've all been friends for over 20 years) but because I want to join in and socialise.

Money isn't the be all and end all. I very much hope you don't end up in a difficult financial situation; you better make sure you stay home before you ruin everyone's day Hmm

You're an adult, so act like one and use some common sense.

MyPeriodFeatures · 04/12/2016 19:06

This post makes me sad. I struggle to believe anyone would even pass judgement like this.

AllPartOfThePlan · 04/12/2016 19:11

I've been in a position where I've had to steal complementary apples from a hotel lobby so I can eat, and steal toilet rolls from a public loo, beg for £1 to give from the tooth fairy or so my daughter could go on a fairground ride before now, no one in my circle knew, it's embarrassing and depressing and the last thing I wanted to do on top of that was have to lose my friends and sit at home miserable. THAT was income support. Clearly if you were on IS it was when either you had a council flat and council tax benefit and minimal outgoings, or when you were married to someone who still had a decent income. Being on IS but still in a house with a mortgage and council tax and bills and kids etc is hell on earth. Do you seriously expect her to announce to the table that she is too poor to have anything other than tap water?? Do you have any idea how humiliating it must be to have to eat the cheapest thing on the menu or order tap water? Do you think she doesn't realise people will notice that? And there is another option - a relative of mine only ever orders tap water, because he's a recovering alcoholic and hates sugary fizzy drinks and juice. He likes water. He doesn't like bottled water and thinks it's a waste of money (it is!) so orders tap water. He isn't poor. Not everyone has to have a drink to have a good time. I rarely drink now because I don't enjoy it anymore, and I resent having to pay £30 on taxis and £6 a drink when I'm there. A decent night out would easily be £50 without even thinking about food, that could run into £75+ for one evening out! That's my entire monthly budget for non essentials. I think you need to step outside your 1% ivory tower and walk around a council estate now and then, see how real life is for real people.

Graphista · 04/12/2016 19:16

Myperiodfeatures oh trust me people like this ARE out there (several I'm related to Angry). Usually people who've never known a days struggle in their lives and can't comprehend it in any real way AND don't censor what they say!

wtffgs · 04/12/2016 19:26

Well obvs if she's unemployed and on benefits she'll be taking it in, won't she? Hmm

You really need a hobby or other thing to occupy the ridiculously large amount of headspace you have given this non-issue. FGS don't offer her your food. It would probably seems really patronising.

wtffgs · 04/12/2016 19:27

raking it in - not 'taking' it in Blush

spidey66 · 04/12/2016 19:33

There's definitely a mean person in this scenario, but it's not the friend.

Don't be so judgemental OP.

haveacupoftea · 04/12/2016 19:37

She sounds lovely. You dont.