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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she poor or just stingy

207 replies

wowowhatsmyname · 04/12/2016 15:41

I met my friend through work and he has introduced us to his new boyfriend. His boyfriend has then introduced us to his best friend. We actually all get on great but the problem is his best friend seems not to join in with anything.

We arrive for lunch and she will say she will meet us afterwards. She meets us afterwards for a drink and will never get more than one drink every two hours and never anything alcoholic. I have seen her get a bottle of coke or alcoholic drink out of her bag once and pretend she had bought it at the bar. She has done this a few times.

If we go to a restaurant she never buys any drink except water and gets the cheapest thing on the menu. We went found christmas markets the other day and she ate nothing!

I thought secretly to myself that she must be a bit stingy and/or not like to eat or drink much but whenever I've had a house party she has brought lovely homemade food to share and bought a bottle of wine which was more generous than necessary and she always eats loads and drinks plenty at house parties too!

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

AIBU to think she's stingy and not poor?

She never accepts any offers of food or drink from anyone else so she's not after freebies. I don't know what to think.

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 04/12/2016 19:56

OP, you remind me of a distant relative who has a Trust Fund and lives in an ivory tower. They actually think £200 p/w full time (before tax) is a good "living wage" to pay their staff. Chronically under the min, wage, but expects loads of overtime from them for no pay, in order to keep their jobs. From which will come mortgage/rent, council tax all other bills, clothing and expenses. Their staff didn't like them very much, and never stuck around for long.

I wonder what this friend thinks of you?

Pluto30 · 04/12/2016 19:59

You're a cow, OP.

End of.

Manumission · 04/12/2016 20:02

I'm thinking she is poor (she's unemployed) and maybe can't afford eating and drinking out, but then why come and have to hide your drinks, pretend you fancy the cheapest thing on the menu and drink water while everyone else is tucking into cocktails and wine?

Confused

Are you drunk? Hmm

Anna275 · 04/12/2016 20:03

TBH you sound like a very envious person if you would not be able to have a good time just because someone is able to spend more than you. Maybe your friend is not the same way.

And regarding the comment about the Wetherspoons, it always makes me chuckle when people snub their nose at things of a certain price point, assuming it will be inferior.

A person who is truly accustomed to luxury doesn't need to rely on prices or brand names. Their taste is discerning enough to be able to spot a high quality item, even if it costs a pound. And they are able to appreciate experiences for what they are. So they will equally enjoy a good hole-in-the-wall pub as they will a nice high end restaurant. They don't have anything to prove or anyone to impress, so don't feel the need to always pick the most expensive option.

PeteSwotatoes · 04/12/2016 20:04

How sad that you can't think of anything worse than being poor. I can think of worse, maybe being a judgmental snob?

Shetland · 04/12/2016 20:14

Why does she 'constantly have come up with excuses' for ordering tap water?
Why can't she just order what she wants without comment from you?
It's not her that's making it obvious - it's you.

MouseholeCat · 04/12/2016 20:23

God, you're dammed if you do, dammed if you don't when you've not got much money- if you're indulging you'll be blamed for your poverty, if you're being careful ~delightful~ people like the OP treat you like a pariah for mindful spending Hmm

I've got a colleague like this... it's unbelievable that these people exist! Ironically, it's 100% more to do with her insecurities that any one individual's circumstances.

JellyBelli · 04/12/2016 20:27

She is trying to have a social life on a tight budget. Stop commenting on it.

crashdoll · 04/12/2016 20:28

These threads make me feel a bit sad, even though it's really silly, because I can't drink much due to the sheer volume of very serious medications I take. I do feel that people judge me, even when I explain. I don't drink caffeine or juice or fizzy drinks due to gut issues, so I'm often sipping water. I do feel judged by people that don't know me well.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 04/12/2016 20:32

Are you drunk?

Manumission - I think the expression is "Are you on glue?" Grin

ItsTimeForDuggee · 04/12/2016 20:35

YABU not everyone likes to drink and shock horror some people can have a good time with out any alcohol Shock maybe she is watching the pennies but it has nothing to do with you!

Bailey101 · 04/12/2016 20:39

I'm getting the impression that the OP buys into the whole 'benefits pay for fags and sky and flat screen tellys'. Unfortunately, £70 a week doesn't go far at all, and this friend sounds like she'd rather pay her electric bill then get pished - very sensible imo.

Manumission · 04/12/2016 20:40

That's the one flap Grin All that obsessive interest in drinks got to me!

CondensedMilkSarnies · 04/12/2016 20:47

I can afford to buy expensive wine but I pay £2.99 for a massive bottle of Leibfraumilch because I like it . Maybe your friend likes water .

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 04/12/2016 20:48

Manumission

Grin
Sofabitch · 04/12/2016 20:50

Ah of course... the poor should hide away in shame and never socialise or in fact be seen.

Evergreen17 · 04/12/2016 21:16

Wow Confused
It does affect the atmosphere as she's just sat there sober. If you can't afford it wouldn't you just not come along?

I have been that person and what a fool was I to think my friends wanted my company Sad

woowoowoo · 04/12/2016 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carpetdog · 04/12/2016 21:47

Well this friend if she actually exists has about 169 mumsnetters who think she sounds great. She's fun, generous and not profligate with her money.

Just leave it now OP and hope that this doesn't get printed in the daily fail and she actually finds out how you think about her.

mygorgeousmilo · 04/12/2016 22:26

The friend sounds great. You sound like a nasty cow OP

ElaineVintage · 04/12/2016 22:28

You sound lovely, OP Hmm

Tallulahoola · 04/12/2016 22:52

So in the space of this thread you've gone from slagging her off and having no idea why she behaves this way, to throwing an afternoon tea party at your house to make life lovely for her?

Riiiiiight

SeussicaltheMusical · 05/12/2016 08:24

My DP doesn't drink tea, coffee, alcohol or fizzy drinks. When out, she'll often order a bottle of water, or sometimes - the horror - tap water. I must remember to tell her people would rather she didn't go out at all rather than order water.

OP, you sound less than delightful. I hope this thread has opened your eyes.

c3pu · 05/12/2016 08:36

I'm stingy, but if I wasn't stingy I'd be poor!

MyBoysMummy86 · 05/12/2016 08:39

You sound very judgemental.
Leave the poor girl alone, who cares if she doesn't drink (if you think it's affecting the mood because someone is sober then that's your problem with alcohol!)
And it's none of your business if she's poor or stingy or even just being careful with money, she doesn't deserve to be shunned.

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