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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister getting married in Italy, young babies

195 replies

Corneliagoescamping · 04/12/2016 13:59

I have had terrible depression over the last couple of years and am trying to feel better. My sister has planned her wedding in Italy over Easter when we will have three year old twins and a six week old baby. I know I ABU a bit, but the difficulty of getting there and the stress of having three small children at a wedding, plus the cost and the exhaustion is making me feel completely overwhelmed and I don't want to go. I know we have to, but they have no connection to Italy- husband is Scottish, she is from Yorkshire, and live me in London, and it just seems a huge thing to ask us to do. She knew I was pregnant when organising it and went ahead anyway with the plans. It will cause an enormous row if I don't go and she wants the twins to be page boys, and obviously I don't want to miss it at all, I just feel like it will tip me over the edge. AIB totally U? Probably I am!!

OP posts:
Gymnopedies · 04/12/2016 14:01

No, you are not BU. Please take care of yourself and the little ones first.

allegretto · 04/12/2016 14:03

Can you get someone to do the organizing for you? I would feel exactly the same but if you can break it down into small tasks and work out how exactly to get everyone there with minimum fuss, you'd probably feel better.

OohhThatsMe · 04/12/2016 14:03

I wouldn't take a six week old baby that far from home, OP. I think she's being very unreasonable expecting you to do that.

Harvey246 · 04/12/2016 14:03

I think it's a lot to travel to Italy with a six week old especially if you're not feeling great in yourself. Did you tell your sister how you felt when she was organising it? It might be one of those times where you have to just put yourself first and say you can't, knowing you will probably upset her but hope she will come to understand?

DearMrDilkington · 04/12/2016 14:05

Yanbu. If you can't afford to go then just say you haven't got the funds.

But it really won't be as stressful as your imagining, 3yr olds will be very excited about going on a plane and will probably be as good as gold as its an exciting experience. The baby will just sleep through most of it, only a very short flight.

But if you really can't face it then don't force yourself to go, your health is more important.

SolomanDaisy · 04/12/2016 14:05

I have a six week old. I would not be up for traveling to Italy. Fortunately you've got the built in excuse that you may not be able to get a passport for the baby in time...

allegretto · 04/12/2016 14:05

Is the whole family going? Could you maybe leave the twins with someone and take the baby? Also do you need to fly or take the car down? If all of you are going, it might be easier to drive.

allegretto · 04/12/2016 14:06

Soloman - it's next Easter so there is time!

Goingtobeawesome · 04/12/2016 14:07

You can't make yourself feel better when you are mentally unwell.

If it was stress free would you like to go? If so break it down and see what is manageable but if you can't do it then your sister has to accept when she decided she wanted a foreign wedding that it would make it harder for everyone else.

PaperdollCartoon · 04/12/2016 14:09

Allegretto the baby isn't born yet, it will be 6 weeks old when the wedding is. Can't get a passport for an unborn baby.

Also OP, YANBU. I wish people would stop planning ridiculous foreign weddings for no reason. I've got my own personal grudge over one next year myself.

Castleheights · 04/12/2016 14:09

I do not think Yabu
The ages of your children equate a lot of work in reality.
Can someone else organise the "page boys " on the day??

Crunchymum · 04/12/2016 14:11

The baby may not even be 6 weeks if he/she is late?

Very insensitive planning on her part OP.

What does your mum make of situation, could she maybe act as the go between and put it to your sister that you may not be able to go?

allegretto · 04/12/2016 14:12

Oops, read it wrong - sorry.

SortAllTheThings · 04/12/2016 14:15

I think you should point out the potential passport issue to your sister. Baby may well only be 4-5 weeks old for the wedding.

Huge row or not, she's insane to expect this of you.

NavyandWhite · 04/12/2016 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marthastew · 04/12/2016 14:17

I also have 3DC and was intimidated by getting them all round Co-op when the youngest was 6 weeks let alone to Italy AND a wedding. I'd be sitting this one out and organising a lovely lunch with the newly weds when they get back from honeymoon. I wouldn't worry about the row as your sister didn't consider you when she planned this.

keekaw · 04/12/2016 14:19

I wouldn't go either. Tell herniwthat you won't be able to cope!

P1nkP0ppy · 04/12/2016 14:20

Crikey, not expecting much is she?
Personally I think she's being utterly unrealistic in thinking you could be there!

cleanasawhistle · 04/12/2016 14:20

I have an idea how you feel. My very close relative has recently announced her wedding abroad for May.......not school hols and my son is year 11.

Up to others where they get married but don't put up with being moaned at if you feel unable to make the trip.

InTheDessert · 04/12/2016 14:23

Bonkers!!! I echo the passport issue - delays are going to start happening round the spring. If you are due 6 weeks before wedding, that may leave you 4 weeks to register the birth, and get a passport.
I think you need to decline. When you arrange a wedding abroad, you need to accept people may not be able to make it.
We have declined my cousins wedding in May. And DH is going to his Brothers on his own. I'm staying at home (and svhool) with the kids.

passingthrough1 · 04/12/2016 14:23

Oh yeah passport is a good point and a good "get out" of a few weeks before flight you don't feel up to it. It might be fine depending on how old baby is (presumably anything from 4 weeks to 10 weeks is realistic), how the birth was, what the baby is like feeding, sleeping, colic etc ... but I wouldn't want to commit at this stage where you just don't know

cherryblossomcarpet · 04/12/2016 14:24

Don't go. Having a baby when you have toddlers is exhausting.... v v exhausting. The older children will be adjusting to having a young baby taking up most of your attention, and this isn't always plain sailing. When my first was 6weeks I could have easily done what she was asking. Second time round, not a chance.

Original poster
Corneliagoescamping · 04/12/2016 14:25

Thanks. I feel really stuck because I come from a big family who will think I'm being very difficult and unreasonable. They were angry at the beginning when I said I thought it would be impossible and there approach is that it's my sisters day and nothing else matters, which I can see but I also don't know how I can do it. They all say 'it'll be fine, we will all help!' But in reality they will be completely focused on the wedding and not able to help, and it just means I'll be left struggling with the little ones. It's not so much the actual trip I'm worried about, more the aftermath for me. I have found any stress just puts me back to the start in recovering. Thanks for your kindness, I have felt like I'm going mad!

OP posts:
londonrach · 04/12/2016 14:26

Yanbu.. i wouldnt travel more than hour from my house with a 6 wk old. If dsis does wedding abroad she must know people cant come.

lucy101101 · 04/12/2016 14:29

Why do you feel you have to go? I was in no fit state at 6 weeks after any of my births to travel abroad. You obviously know that this is too much for you so decline now!!!

I made the mistake of agreeing to a big wedding abroad, including buying the flights organising accommodation etc. and then as I got more and more anxious realised it just wasn't possible for us and our small children.

We cancelled but it obviously cost us quite a bit so don't make the same mistake.... you really don't need the stress!!!

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