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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister getting married in Italy, young babies

195 replies

Corneliagoescamping · 04/12/2016 13:59

I have had terrible depression over the last couple of years and am trying to feel better. My sister has planned her wedding in Italy over Easter when we will have three year old twins and a six week old baby. I know I ABU a bit, but the difficulty of getting there and the stress of having three small children at a wedding, plus the cost and the exhaustion is making me feel completely overwhelmed and I don't want to go. I know we have to, but they have no connection to Italy- husband is Scottish, she is from Yorkshire, and live me in London, and it just seems a huge thing to ask us to do. She knew I was pregnant when organising it and went ahead anyway with the plans. It will cause an enormous row if I don't go and she wants the twins to be page boys, and obviously I don't want to miss it at all, I just feel like it will tip me over the edge. AIB totally U? Probably I am!!

OP posts:

waterrat · 04/12/2016 16:48

You know what. This is some thing that unless you resolve either way will torment uou for the next few months at a time when you just don't need it.

Decide to spend a week or two making the decision
Make it. Stop thinking about it.

Much as I think it sounds fairly shit I think you will drive yourself mad with worry and second thoughts if you decide not to go.

So Yanbu. But if you do decide to go...you need to then out it put of your mind and not constantly go over the thought of it in your mind..

The experience itself will not be as bad as your worries about it.if people say they will help then draw up a proper rota of support with the twins.

You might enjoy the sunshine. ..!

waterrat · 04/12/2016 16:49

I can't imagine you will really not go. So just accept it will be fairly hectic but not the end of the world.

Lovemylittlebear · 04/12/2016 16:51

No I personally wouldn't be able to do it knowing how crsppy I feel after having babies for the first few weeks and then if you wanted to breast feed and had difficulties -
Going far away from home would throw a spanner in the works in terms of support. I think they would be unreasonable for not understanding to be honest. However, for me I know I could manage at around the 12 weeks mark so if it were then I would go but not at 4-6 weeks. Don't feel bad about whatever decision you make, put yourself first xx

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2016 16:55

I love weddings but I wouldn't go to this one in your circumstances, even for my sister. It's just going to be too stressful, painful and expensive. Frankly people who decide to have a wedding abroad like this for no reason other than just liking the idea of it, then want everyone else to make huge efforts to fit in with their plans, are being selfish. Say no now, citing the passport and insurance issues, and get the shitstorm over with early.

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2016 16:57

I insisted on my sis taking my newborn neice and nephew to Goa for my destination wedding & also insisted on my partner's ex (we're friends, she introduced me to dp) bringing my then 2 year old dsd.

You insisted? Really?

Entitled, much?

formerbabe · 04/12/2016 17:04

I insisted on my sis taking my newborn neice and nephew to Goa for my destination wedding

No way!? I hope you paid for them and provided them with 24/7 paid childcare too?!

DorotheaHomeAlone · 04/12/2016 17:14

You don't have to go if you don't want to. Destination weddings are definitely optional. But people here are being a big hysterical. I had a baby in April this year and flew to Italy with him and my 2yo 6 weeks later. Passport was no issue. Flights are easy when they're that small. Wouldn't fancy being the parent in charge of the twins though.

expatinscotland · 04/12/2016 17:28

'I can't imagine you will really not go. So just accept it will be fairly hectic but not the end of the world.'

Why should she? It's a wedding, not a court summons. Why accept unacceptable and entitled behaviour from people when you don't have to?

If my sister tried to insist I take my kids across the world to a country where we needed jabs, too, I'd have honestly laughed in her face. And then said, 'No chance.'

People think their weddings are the be all to end all, well, maybe for them.

Anyone who has one of these destination weddings needs to accept even their nearest and dearest might not be able to go. Tough shit.

Evergreen17 · 04/12/2016 17:28

YANBU. If they want to get married abroad they need to know most people cant make it

DailyMailSucksAss · 04/12/2016 17:28

formerbabe Yes I did pay for them. I also personally took care of all 3 kids up to wedding day (had all 3 overnight and most of the morning and then my mum would help. Sis decided to use formula temporarily during the trip so We could do this, and then dsd and I would have quality time for 4 hours just us in the afternoon - sis and friend used to joke that that it was their one and only holiday from parenting). I insisted because neither my sis nor my friend had ever had a holiday & I wanted them to have fun. I'm a great aunt and stepmum and have done this many times since.

ConvincingLiar · 04/12/2016 17:30

It sounds like a massive ball-ache. I wouldn't book anything now but would reconsider a few weeks before. I wouldn't be devastated if I couldn't get a passport.

Headofthehive55 · 04/12/2016 17:32

Travel up to four weeks post surgery is a DVT risk, so is post childbirth, so is post section. I wouldn't want all three risks even with anticoagulant injections.

Headofthehive55 · 04/12/2016 17:37

daily I take it you haven't given birth yourself before?
I can't imagine any holiday, even with childcare provided or paid for would be welcome for most people that close to birth.
The only thing I wanted to do as be somewhere quiet and stare at my baby!

Eevee77 · 04/12/2016 17:42

Say no. Would you even be able to get baby a passport in time? Especially if you were over due? And all sound mad. Yanbu

DailyMailSucksAss · 04/12/2016 17:43

Headofthehive55 no I'm infertile.

FlopIsMyParentingGuru · 04/12/2016 17:50

How likely is it that you'll have a csection to deliver the twins? I couldn't have handled that amount of travelling six weeks after a csection

Velvetdarkness · 04/12/2016 18:00

I took my six week old to a wedding in Italy and it was fine even though I had pnd, and breastfeeding was painful.

But it was my first child. Not sure I'd want to do it with young twins as well.

Velvetdarkness · 04/12/2016 18:01

Oh and I had to go to the passport office to get the passport because there wasn't enough time otherwise.

bakewelltarty · 04/12/2016 18:20

YNBU to not want to go but likewise your sister is NBU to want to get married in Italy.

Everyone has assumed that she arranged this despite knowing you would have a newborn. Has this been established as fact? Or could it be that you got pregnant after the wedding had been planned?

Whatever the truth, it doesn't matter. If you don't feel able to go then stay strong and stick to your guns.

However, don't blame your sister for where she wants to get married. Totally her and her new husbands choice.

EllaHen · 04/12/2016 18:22

So, there are three rather valid reasons not to go:

Baby passport
Flying after section (if you're having one)
Travel insurance or lack thereof

A fourth would be your health being effected negatively.

Justifying it to yourself is easier - they didn't think about you when booking. Decline and hold your head high.

Cranbrookornot · 04/12/2016 18:36

YANBU. Just say no. Your baby might be only 4 weeks old. If you find it hard to explain it all or she minimises your justified concerns, you could write down all your reasons in a loving, gracious, sisterly letter. Tell her you will be thinking of her on the day and that you wish her all the very best etc etc. If she does not accept and understand then that's her problem.

SixthSenseless · 04/12/2016 18:39

the risk is huge.

You will need to have the flights (and accommodation???) booked well in advance, especially because it is Easter (I presume you can book a flight for an as yet unborn baby?? I know they won't need a seat, but still need mentioning on the booking!) , then the passport logistics are hugely risky and the time thing again made worse because of the Easter rush.

Daily, I am glad if it all worked out for you, but even as someone who took my 9 week old abroad, I wouldn't not have anyone 'insist' that I take a newborn to India (injections?), long haul flight, and start formula just to facilitate a 'destination wedding'.

If you can't travel, either because of an overdue date CS, or passport complications (first passports always take longer than renewals), or what ever, then you will lose the lot.

Your sister took a big risk when she booked her wedding for Italy at Easter if she feels strongly that you go. If she really wanted the twins as page boys she should have thought bout the practicalities.

IT may well cause a massive row if you don't go - cause a massive row if they try and make you against your will!

Sorry, I know this doesn't help when you are depressed, but it really is them, not you. That might give you some comfort.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 04/12/2016 18:49

Um, I had a section and it was no problem at all by 3 weeks let alone 6. Passport was fine and we didn't even spring for express package (just register them promptly). Travel insurance was no issue at all. I really don't get all the angst here.

NameChange30 · 04/12/2016 18:54

YANBU at all. Your family are being very unreasonable and unfair to put this pressure on you. I wouldn't be surprised if they were a factor in your mental health issues tbh... I wonder if stepping back a bit could be helpful (even if it's difficult to start with)?

SixthSenseless · 04/12/2016 18:54

'Just register them promptly ' . Depends where you are. They do it by appointment and it can take 2 weeks. DC was in hospital for a week on anti-biotics for an unforseeable reason.

If everything goes to plan and on time, great. But you don't know that when shelling out £1k for peak Easter flights.

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