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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister getting married in Italy, young babies

195 replies

Corneliagoescamping · 04/12/2016 13:59

I have had terrible depression over the last couple of years and am trying to feel better. My sister has planned her wedding in Italy over Easter when we will have three year old twins and a six week old baby. I know I ABU a bit, but the difficulty of getting there and the stress of having three small children at a wedding, plus the cost and the exhaustion is making me feel completely overwhelmed and I don't want to go. I know we have to, but they have no connection to Italy- husband is Scottish, she is from Yorkshire, and live me in London, and it just seems a huge thing to ask us to do. She knew I was pregnant when organising it and went ahead anyway with the plans. It will cause an enormous row if I don't go and she wants the twins to be page boys, and obviously I don't want to miss it at all, I just feel like it will tip me over the edge. AIB totally U? Probably I am!!

OP posts:

NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 06:44

Did you book before your baby was born Dorothea?

There are too many unknowns and what ifs in this case for the OP to book now.

rosegold33 · 05/12/2016 06:49

You definitely can't book flights before baby is born as you need dob

Our passport came through fairly quickly, I know than in U.K baby could travel with birth certificate not sure if it's the same in Europe

AmberLav · 05/12/2016 06:59

Logistically, you may not be able to register the baby till 4-6 weeks after the birth, then another 2 weeks for the passport. So, I would never book a flight for a baby till at least 3 months after due date (assuming provisionally booking pre birth, which you can do, you just have to follow up once they are born). I wouldn't risk the costs of flights for your whole family, in case the passport is delayed.

So just tell your sister that if she's forcing you to book now, she should have a couple of grand spare to reimburse you for wasted flights when the passport doesn't arrive in time. That may put her off! Good luck with it all!

Redkite10a · 05/12/2016 07:27

We went to a UK wedding a 2 hour drive away last week with our 22 month old and our 3 week old. DD was due almost 5 weeks before the wedding but was overdue, so very similar timings.

The new baby was no trouble at the wedding, she either fed or slept. The toddler was hard work, DH was up almost continuously exploring the hotel with him. Would you get any help during the wedding?

We all shared a room, and while it wasn't as bad as it could have been, my toddler was woken up by the new born a couple of times. Would all 3 of you be sharing a room? What if your new baby is colicky?

The drive there was fine but the 2 hour home was not, DD decided she wanted 2 half hour feeds during it, so we had to stop twice and keep our toddler entertained while she fed.... Other than the flight, what would the rest of the trip involve? How good are your twins at sitting and waiting?Overall we had a lovely time, but it certainly wasn't relaxing.

I've asked DH and we would give going abroad for a wedding in the next couple of weeks a go, but it would be seriously hard work. We went abroad for a wedding when our toddler was 10 weeks old so have some idea of what would be involved.

However, there is no way we'd have booked anything non refundable in advance of the baby being born. There are just too many unknowns, and too high a risk you'd have to cancel. I know it'll make the flights more expensive, but can you delay making a decision?

ImYourWomanJonSnow · 05/12/2016 07:37

Can you fly with the rest of your large family so they can help with thevtoddlers and you only need to worry about the baby? We were ablevto fast track my DS's passport application when he was few weeks old. It did mean having to physically go to passport office and took a whole day and extra cost but it's speedy.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 05/12/2016 07:38

Yes. We booked in advance. You can add a lap infant to the booking once you have name and dob.

allegretto · 05/12/2016 07:48

My son was born the beginnig of November and we flew (from Italy to the UK) for Christmas so only slightly longer time frame. We were staying with relatives though so we didn't have any accommodation to book (and getting an Italian passport is quick). I would just say you can't guarantee it because of the reasons you have given. Don't pay upfront for any accommodation. See how it pans out.

NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 08:01

The fastest you can get a first child's passport is a week. The one day service is not available for children's passports.

You would also have the hassle of having to get passport photos on top of the other supporting documents.

It sounds like a logistical nightmare for anyone, let alone someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety.

You really will have to wait and see.

Original poster

Corneliagoescamping · 05/12/2016 08:38

Thanks for all the replies. I know going is possible, for all those who have said it is. It's just that I don't feel it's possible for ME under the circumstances. I really don't want to upset my sister either, so that is what makes it so hard. I think she has been quite selfish herself about it, because she will kick up q huge fuss if I don't go and the family will definitely agree with her- none of my siblings have children and neither does she so they think it's just me being difficult. My parents have always been very protective of her and always side with her in any disagreement we have had over the years.

OP posts:

ShelaghTurner · 05/12/2016 08:39

It's making me stressed just thinking about it. TBH I'd just get it over with now and the next time it comes up tell them that you've been thinking it over and it's not going to be possible for you. They'll kick off by the sound of it but that's tough tits. They've got 5 months to get over themselves but it takes the stress of the decision away from you. Can't help with the stress of the reaction unfortunately!

NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 08:43

If they are that desperate for you to go perhaps they should pay for your fares, travel insurance and hotel themselves. Then if you can't go they will be the ones out of pocket, not you.

BravoPanda · 05/12/2016 08:55

Why is everyone saying you wouldn't be able to register the baby for over a month? You can register straight after the birth at the Women's Hospital here, so not quite sure what you're all on about.

SixthSenseless · 05/12/2016 08:56

How can they not book / pay for accommodation in advance when travelling with a baby and toddler twins? At Easter?
And risk ending up in one room, 1 bed, no travel cot in a B&B miles from the wedding?

Other logistics when flying with baby and 2 x 3 year olds: car seats for taxis etc? Travel cots / beds for the toddlers? Do you plan to b/f or is sterilising gear needed??

I was intrepid. With one Bf baby, adult;baby 2:1, booked once passport had arrived and we knew we could do it all happily. Did a 3 day holiday 2.5 hours from home at 2 weeks, a week on a small Greek island at 9 weeks and 3 weeks in the Indian Ocean at 8 months. All thus CANNOT be done, depending on circumstances. In the OP's Jimmy Choos I would be saying 'no'.

Blueskyrain · 05/12/2016 08:56

I think it depends. If you live near an airport, and it's not far the other end, then Italy can be far easier than many places in the uk. Presumably, your partner will be there as well, so its not like you'd be having the three by yourself. If I was you, you just deal with yourself and the baby, and your partner deal with the twins.

I'd hope to go as long as we were all well, and I think the passport would be fine, but I do think it was inconsiderate of your sister to book this so close to the birth. I think a destination wedding in europe is actually not a problem at all- certainly if the guests are very spread out in the uk, it may actually take many less time than the uk.

I can see why you're concerned though - I think your sister will have to accept that it could only be a possible until the baby is born, and see them.

expatinscotland · 05/12/2016 09:01

'I think she has been quite selfish herself about it, because she will kick up q huge fuss if I don't go and the family will definitely agree with her- none of my siblings have children and neither does she so they think it's just me being difficult. My parents have always been very protective of her and always side with her in any disagreement we have had over the years.'

Then tough shit for them all. Get your DH in there to tell them, tbh. 'We won't be going. The baby won't have time to have had its jabs, we can't get insurance and there isn't time to get him/her a passport.' And you repeat and repeat just that.

'Why is everyone saying you wouldn't be able to register the baby for over a month? You can register straight after the birth at the Women's Hospital here, so not quite sure what you're all on about.'

Um, because it's not the same in all parts of the UK. In some areas, there's a wait. Imagine that, if you can. Try to step outside the box and realise that things are not just like where you are in other places. Wow.

kilmuir · 05/12/2016 09:04

Come on now you have plenty of time to get organised.
You are not going to be on your own, DH and family there to help.
I do laugh at the comments about not going more than an hour from home with a 6 week old!
It's Italy fgs, , not Outer Mongolia. They do have shops with nappies, baby stuff etc.
You are looking for issues not to go

NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 09:06

" You can register straight after the birth at the Women's Hospital here, so not quite sure what you're all on about."

Perhaps the OP doesn't live where you do Bravo. None of the hospitals in the towns near me register births. OH had to go in person to the town hall to do it.

kilmuir · 05/12/2016 09:07

Tell her someone else will have to be in charge of the page boys as you will be looking after the baby.
Not sure why you say it's difficult to travel?
I travelled on 6 hour flight with 4 children under 9. Just need to be organised. You will have help!!

NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 09:16

Well, bully for you kilmuir The OP isn't you. The fact that you managed is totally irrelevant here.

So many posters seem to overlook that the OP feels that she is unable to deal with the stress and anxiety that is involved. I have a friend whose three year old boy twins were a nightmare, so I can see where the OP is coming from. Also, I'm not sure that you can get travel insurance for an unborn baby, so it would be madness to book now.

Have a little more empathy.

SixthSenseless · 05/12/2016 09:16

Haha, people are 'on about' their own (common) experience. Best tell the OP which hospital to travel to for the birth so she can get registered.

Maybe she can travel by donkey, following yonder star......

Littletabbyocelot · 05/12/2016 09:19

I think that if they do not love you enough to value your health and wellbeing above your attendance at a party then they are not worth the effort anyway.

My husband's family have form for this. I can't tell you the relief when we just let them strop. They wanted us to attend a christening. I was very seriously ill (weekly hospital admissions, whole family rearranging their work schedules so I was never alone). We had daily screaming phone calls, we had extended family ringing up and trying to negotiate a compromise. It wasn't pleasant but coming out the other side we're no longer controlled by their behaviour.

Your sister can get as angry as she likes. Your also entitled to be angry about how little concern your family has for you. But since they are rubbish its your job to put you first. Its OK not to do this - better to acknowledge it now than before you've spent all that money.

expatinscotland · 05/12/2016 09:20

Here, you go, kilmuir, here's your . I'm sorry it isn't a halo.

I travelled long-haul on my own with 3 6 and under and my son has autism. It's not for all people. In fact, I thought it fucking sucked.

Doesn't sound like her family will 'help' and certainly not like they'll take ultimatums to take over the two toddlers.

And the most organised person in the world has no control of a) when the baby arrives b) how quickly the baby's birth can be registered c) how quickly a passport can be obtained for said baby. ALL of which can easily mean they can't go.

But hey, a few rounds of halos for all the virtue signallers around here.

NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 09:24

expat

PippiLongstromp · 05/12/2016 09:34

I really feel for you. If you decline, which I really think you have to do, your family will likely get upset and angry because in their heads they don't see it's such an issue. However, the vast majority of responses here, who are mostly mums and have more recent experience and therefore more realistic idea of what is achievable with three children under three, are totally supportive of you. You have to bite the bullet, stand up to them and weather the storm. It may take lots of conversations and time for them to see it from your perspective, but ultimately if they never do, it's their issue.

Lorelei76 · 05/12/2016 09:36

Kilmuir, is there anything you can't manage?!!

Dorothea, I notice you booked before. So you filled in a travel insurance form where you didn't say you had surgery? I wonder if this is one of those bizarre holes in the system. Last travel insurance I filled in asked if I had had any surgery, major or minor, in the last 2 years.

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