Sister getting married in Italy, young babies

[Corneliagoescamping]

I have had terrible depression over the last couple of years and am trying to feel better. My sister has planned her wedding in Italy over Easter when we will have three year old twins and a six week old baby. I know I ABU a bit, but the difficulty of getting there and the stress of having three small children at a wedding, plus the cost and the exhaustion is making me feel completely overwhelmed and I don't want to go. I know we have to, but they have no connection to Italy- husband is Scottish, she is from Yorkshire, and live me in London, and it just seems a huge thing to ask us to do. She knew I was pregnant when organising it and went ahead anyway with the plans. It will cause an enormous row if I don't go and she wants the twins to be page boys, and obviously I don't want to miss it at all, I just feel like it will tip me over the edge. AIB totally U? Probably I am!!

You can't actually book flights for the baby now, can you? You need passport details, which you won't have until right before the wedding. Ferry is more relaxed, and I think Eurostar is too

What family do you have who will be travelling? Can eg your parents take your twins over and you and DH follow if you are able to sort out flights for the three of you, assuming all goes to plan?

I haven't read all the way through. But I don't think you're being unreasonable.

I bet she just doesn't realise though as she doesn't have kids. It always seems easier before you have kids to do stuff like this! She will just have no idea.

I went on holiday with a 7 week old, it wasn't so bad. I dreaded it beforehand though. But went with extended family and everyone helped. (Had to pay for a rush passport.) This time around I had an emergency c-section and have older DC and a 6 week old. Would struggle to go now.

Toughen up. They treat you like this because you let them.

Say No. Let the chips fall. They will get over it.

TheAnswerIsYes Your advice is out of date. All babies need passports now.

You do not need a passport to fly to Italy and baby can fly with just a birth certificate. I travelled around Europe with my child until he was almost 1yo without a passport. It isn't necessary within the EU (might change when Brexit happens).

Really !!!!!????? Was this in the 60's

No one can fly without a passport otherwise we could all smuggle babies with abandon

The more I read the more I feel that your family are being very unkind and unsupportive about your MH issues - look after yourself

YANBU. Your sister needs to realise that it's near in impossible for you to be able to get there!

Assuming that baby arrives on time (unlikely), you'll have 6 weeks to recover from birth, establish feeding, register baby, see the GP and apply for a passport! I can't see how she would find that a possible achievement and if baby is late.... no chance!

Another consideration to hit her with is the fact that the newborn won't have had its first vaccines by then and there's no way you should be taking a newborn on a germ riddled plane for 4 hours, or exposing him/her to potential nasty viruses in a foreign country where accessing healthcare is likely to be difficult and pricey.

Those who make the decision to marry abroad should realise that attending isn't possible for everyone. If having everyone there is so important to them, they shouldn't have been so bloody self centred in booking abroad and expecting everyone else to pick up the expense and stress of attending!

yanbu.

But in Italy they are generally very very good at looking after people with small children. Requests for allowances to be made that would be called very entitled on her are considered your due in Italy (just a thought).

But ya absolutelynbu if you don't go.

Haven't read full thread, sorry.

I went to my DSis wedding with 2 year old twins. It was hard work and I was also getting over depression. I would not feel bad about saying no in your position; if you have a csection, you may only be 4 weeks over the op and probably not able to fly. Definitely not able to have a comfortable trip and carry bags, pushchairs, etc. Looking after young twins and dealing with sleep deprivation and establishing feeding, PLUS a trip abroad and a wedding sounds too much. Definitely too much to be enjoyable.

If your DSis doesn't have DC, she may not fully understand the stress (packing, waiting at airports, journey, new food, etc). Twins are so much more work too, so you may have to fight your corner if people in your family are unsympathetic!

mlgs this is true. But perhaps better appreciated on a more relaxed family holiday in the future!

Sorry, I must be out of date with the baby not needing a passport for Europe comment. My DC is 5.5yo now so things have clearly changed in the past few years. At least this has reminded me that I need to renew his 5 year passport next year.

Are you British, answer? My children are older than yours and certainly needed passports.

Mine too. I think this may be a Schengen vs non-Schengen thing.

I wouldn't go. Tell your family that you are worried about post natal depression and keep repeating it. Tell them that if you find you are ok after the wedding that you might book the trip but

You are refusing to do so beforehand.

No discussion and no guilt.

One thing that might help but that would require your DH to take a hit for the team is to put the 'blame' on him. Obviously he would have to agree this plan . He can say that he is very worried about you and doesn't think you should travel. It might sound less 'negotiable' coming from him.

I think your sister and your family are being massively unreasonable, selfish and unkind. Travelling with 3yo twins is hard work, but add a newborn and bear in mind you will be in post partum recovery- and they are insisting you go? I'm sorry but I hate them for that!

Destinations weddings are a bugbear of mine but when the bride and groom put pressure on people to go it's just downright offensive.

Use the no-baby-passport and travel insurance get out clause. They can't have a go at you about that. They need to think about how they treat you. It's appalling.

Goodness me. Don't let your family blame you for not going, and you shouldn't blame yourself. Shoe's on the other foot, isn't it? Your sister is taking your whole family off right when they should be looking after you and your kids, not her!

I'd go along with it and pull out last minute, not worth all the hassle with the relatives over Christmas.

Then you can relax that you're not going or still getting grief about it and can just use the passport as an excuse last minute! Not your fault so you won't get any hassle

I'm still struggling, as a non-anglo-saxon, with whether your thinking your whole family will blame you is a symptom of depression (catastrophising) or a cause of it. Sweetie, I can believe that some members of the family will think you should go, but if truly none of them can understand, then I'm astounded.

If it comes up at Christmas, or any other time, you have this little speech prepared: "I know, isn't it such a shame? Just when my beloved sister is getting married, I would have to be unable to travel. And just when I really want my family's attention and help, they would have to disappear to another country on me. And Italy -- just where I've always wanted to go! I guess in the long run this won't feel so disappointing, but all I can say is, you better be sending me minute-by-minute photographs of the whole thing so I don't feel left out..."
If you feel this is beyond your powers, have your DH primed to say it -- that's the other job of husbands, besides getting you pregnant.