Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister getting married in Italy, young babies

195 replies

Corneliagoescamping · 04/12/2016 13:59

I have had terrible depression over the last couple of years and am trying to feel better. My sister has planned her wedding in Italy over Easter when we will have three year old twins and a six week old baby. I know I ABU a bit, but the difficulty of getting there and the stress of having three small children at a wedding, plus the cost and the exhaustion is making me feel completely overwhelmed and I don't want to go. I know we have to, but they have no connection to Italy- husband is Scottish, she is from Yorkshire, and live me in London, and it just seems a huge thing to ask us to do. She knew I was pregnant when organising it and went ahead anyway with the plans. It will cause an enormous row if I don't go and she wants the twins to be page boys, and obviously I don't want to miss it at all, I just feel like it will tip me over the edge. AIB totally U? Probably I am!!

OP posts:
gleam · 04/12/2016 15:17

I wouldn't go.

I took a 4 month old to France 'on holiday' (what was I thinking?!) and that was hard enough.

user1471446433 · 04/12/2016 15:19

You could have a 4 week old and be 4 weeks postpartum! Hell no!!! Pouring blood at that stage & baby permanently latched- I would not be getting on a plane!

Lunar1 · 04/12/2016 15:24

Don't book or pay for anything. You might have a 4 week old and have had a section at 42 weeks. Say no to your boys being page boys. Tell them all to make their plans without you, and once your baby is 4/5 weeks old you will make a last minute decision.

AntiqueSinger · 04/12/2016 15:26

I hate the way that people can become so self-centred when they're getting married. Some couples completely lose the ability to think about anyone else. Only how they want their big day to go. The couples I love most are the small wedding type.

Anyway. No you are not BU and you should not feel compelled to go, and don't bloody let anyone tell you differently. I would never ask this of anyone with three young children, let alone a six week old. I've had terrible PND in the past and completely sympathise. I feel you ought to consider your mental health first and foremost, since you've just got things on an even keel. Give an excuse and opt out. When you get depression you can't engage with your kids properly. I can't remember my own children's baby yearsSad. So put them and yourself first.

Your relatives are being selfish. The sky will not fall in if your sister does not have you at your wedding, and if they already have a low opinion of you, going to one event really isn't going to change their overall perception of you anyway. I'm the weird one in the family too. At 40, I've stopped trying to win approval and understanding and actually I think they respect me more for it. Stand your ground.

Flyingbellycopters · 04/12/2016 15:28

Just explain you feel you can't go with three under3 especially as one a newborn. Surely it would cost a fortune too?
And you're saying now so everyone knows well in advance and hopefully you can make arrangements to see them and the photos when they get back. And get them lovely present.
YANBU. Facing supermarket with twins and newborn would be enough for me

Diemme · 04/12/2016 15:28

Totally agree with user. It's not just about travelling with a young baby, it's the fact that you yourself will still be in the postnatal period. Go easy on yourself and don't go x

Horsegirl1 · 04/12/2016 15:33

YANBU . It's a huge ask on her behalf and if I were you I'd nip it in the bud now and explain you feel it will be too much for you to attend the wedding. A decent sister would understand your anxiety and the stress of taking a newborn abroad. You will have to organise passport before you go for new baby and if you're late having baby you coukd potentially have a 4 week old. It's a bit selfish of her to be honest. YANBU

formerbabe · 04/12/2016 15:39

I wouldn't go.

If you organise a wedding abroad, you are taking the risk that some people won't be able to go.

NicknameUsed · 04/12/2016 15:40

"I know we have to"

No you don't.

Angelitron · 04/12/2016 15:41

Would you even have a passport?

I would decline, we went to a wedding with a two year old and a six week old. It was. 1.5 h drive away. That was stressful enough.

Badcat666 · 04/12/2016 15:42

If she wants to get married in Italy then she should expect that some people will not be able to attend. If she wants everyone to be able to come then she should had chosen a venture closer to home.

You need to put yourself and your family above her wants. Flowers for you OP.

MerryMarigold · 04/12/2016 15:44

Is your depression being treated, OP? Personally I would go (I also have depression) as I would hate to be left out, and imagining everything happening without me. I would speak to people beforehand, say that you are worried about coping and get as much in hand as possible eg. Mum/ aunt, can you have the boys during the service? Brother 1/ dh can you be in charge of the twins during the meal? Etc. etc. so it is all divided up beforehand and they know what they are doing. I would try and divide up the care of the twins between others so that you are just dealing with the baby. It could be a really lovely event.

SirNiallDementia · 04/12/2016 15:47

I wouldn't go either.

I actually did go to Italy with my 8 week old DS1. It was lovely and quite easy BUT I'd had an easy birth and my husband and I only had the baby to look after.

You may only be 4 weeks post birth, you may have had a caesarian, you have 2 toddlers to run round after........ I would let them know now that you are not going!

DinosaursRoar · 04/12/2016 15:50

There is no way, I repeat, no way, you'll have a passport in time for the new baby. If you really set your mind to it you could get the first appointment with the registrar and then perhaps book a trip to London to go to the passport office and if you are lucky, it'll arrive back before the 6 weeks is up, but even then it'll be touch and go.

Tell your parents you've looked into it, no way you'll have a passport in time, so they can shout all they like, but how to they think you can take a child overseas without a passport these days? Ask them to find a solution to 'no passport' that doesn't involve them saying "I'm sure you can manage it if you try." If their solution is you leave a 6 week old at home and go without him/her, I'd just laugh in their faces.

SusanneLinder · 04/12/2016 15:52

Italy isn't the other side of the world, and flying with a newborn is perfectly doable. At that age, as long as they have food and sleep, they aren't too fussed. I am a mum of 3 and have dragged small children on trips all over the place at short notice.Even a young baby. ( Ex worked abroad).
BUT and its a huge BUT, if this is causing you anxiety and making your MH problems worse, I just wouldn't .See how you are at the time, and if you really want to go, then you can book a last minute flight/ hotel through Trivago and get a last minute passport.
But don't go if this stresses you out. Good luck with your baby and congratulations OP.

SusanneLinder · 04/12/2016 15:55

PS... you can get a passport at short notice, but you dont need to tell your family that. I've had one same day, when I forgot DD's ran out...

EvenTheWind · 04/12/2016 15:58

Yanbu.

She hasn't shown much care for you with this booking.

diddl · 04/12/2016 16:00

" I don't want to go. I know we have to,"

No, you don't.

I've been married twice & my one sibling didn't come either time.

First time they were booked to come & then decided no 2 days before.

2nd time couldn't afford flight. (they live abroad)

The world didn't stop turning, I was married (the whole point of it!) & we still get on.

toomuchtooold · 04/12/2016 16:01

Bloody hell. Until my twins were 4 the only time we took them on a plane was when we were emigrating. And that's without a baby as well! Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

DinosaursRoar · 04/12/2016 16:26

Susanne - same day isn't possible for first passports, you have to send it off - or go along and wait for it to be processed, 4 weeks might just be at a push possible, so they'd need to get the birth certificate within the first 2 weeks, but it'd be up against it timewise, and are looking at getting the passport in mid-march, which is often busy because lots of people book a holiday for Easter time then realise their passport has run out...

It could be done, but it'll be stressful and frankly it doesn't sound like the family will be OK with it if the OP finds out the passport can't arrive before the flights. Best get it sorted now so people have time to get over their disappointment.

(OP, could you suggest your parents take the 3 year olds without you or would that be hard for you to cope with?)

expatinscotland · 04/12/2016 16:33

'(OP, could you suggest your parents take the 3 year olds without you or would that be hard for you to cope with?)'

Can't believe people would even suggest doing this to two wee children so they can be wheeled out as props for a poxy wedding in a foreign country.

Just NO. 'Can't get a passport, can't get insurance so none of us can go.'

They suggest taking your very young children off abroad, you feel free to say NO.

TalkingintheDark · 04/12/2016 16:36

You can't get same day appointments for children's passports any more because of child abduction concerns.

The shortest guaranteed time is a week - you have to book the appointment in advance at one of the UK passport offices and it costs £87. (You attend the appointment and they send the passport out within a week).

uk passport info here

watchingthedetectives · 04/12/2016 16:38

My sister's wedding was a short flight away and I went with a 3yr old (bridesmaid) and a 4 week old (post CS)
It was fine, family helped and I never really thought about not going. Didn't do much dancing though!
If you don't want to go then there are lots of reasonable excuses
You should do what suits you but it is manageable if you want to go.

bigredfireengine · 04/12/2016 16:43

Send DH with the twins?

DailyMailSucksAss · 04/12/2016 16:47

I insisted on my sis taking my newborn neice and nephew to Goa for my destination wedding & also insisted on my partner's ex (we're friends, she introduced me to dp) bringing my then 2 year old dsd. I helped. Mum & I would take all 3 kids during the day and night in the build up (1 week). During my honeymoon period (2 nights) bro and sil took over. If they want you there badly enough trust me they'll help.

Swipe left for the next trending thread