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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister getting married in Italy, young babies

195 replies

Corneliagoescamping · 04/12/2016 13:59

I have had terrible depression over the last couple of years and am trying to feel better. My sister has planned her wedding in Italy over Easter when we will have three year old twins and a six week old baby. I know I ABU a bit, but the difficulty of getting there and the stress of having three small children at a wedding, plus the cost and the exhaustion is making me feel completely overwhelmed and I don't want to go. I know we have to, but they have no connection to Italy- husband is Scottish, she is from Yorkshire, and live me in London, and it just seems a huge thing to ask us to do. She knew I was pregnant when organising it and went ahead anyway with the plans. It will cause an enormous row if I don't go and she wants the twins to be page boys, and obviously I don't want to miss it at all, I just feel like it will tip me over the edge. AIB totally U? Probably I am!!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 04/12/2016 14:29

She's deranged. 'Won't be able to get a passport for baby, can't go.'

girlelephant · 04/12/2016 14:30

A passport will be a valid concern of your baby is late unless you pay to have it expedited. If baby is late you may not be booked in for induction until you are +12 or +13 dependent on your hospital.

It is all possible to do but only if you want to! So if you don't feel you will get support and you have/want to spend the money then speak up now to DSIS and explain why you won't be attending

DinosaursRoar · 04/12/2016 14:31

I would point out that if the baby is 6 weeks old, the chances are you won't be able to get a passport by then - you need to register the birth and then apply for a passport, you just won't be able to turn that around at 6 weeks, and if the baby is late, you've got no hope. If you haven't had your 6 week check yet, you might not be fit to fly/be able to get travel insurance (this could be bollocks, but it's realistic sounding bollocks).

So start from that premise that you and the baby can't go so close to the due date. It's not that you don't want to, it's that you just won't be able to get a passport and travel insurance and you won't be prepared to leave a 6 week old at home without you anyway!

girlelephant · 04/12/2016 14:32

Ps hopefully if you do decide not to go your parents will be supportive if DSIS still cannot understand. I think it's difficult for non-parents to know how much work a new baby is!

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/12/2016 14:33

Were you already pregnant when your sister announced her wedding venue or has it been booked for a while ? If you were already expecting them she IBU to think you should be there but if the venue was decided pre pregnancy she hasn't done anything wrong but she- and the rest of the family- will have to accept that you probably won't make it. Your health is more important than a wedding .

Lorelei76 · 04/12/2016 14:36

Ye gads
I feel tired and overwhelmed at the mere thought.
Don't go.

tribpot · 04/12/2016 14:36

Total bridezilla. You can't go. My guess is she really only wants the 3 year olds there to make nice wedding pictures and that's what the pressure is about. Could your DH take them whilst you stay at home? Bit unfair when it's your family rather than his.

EweAreHere · 04/12/2016 14:39

Actually, you don't have to go.

Just say no. It's not a command performance, even if she is your sister and making you feel that way. Don't let her. Your sanity has to come first.

Your sister and her husband have chosen to have a destination wedding. Wonderful. Fantastic. For them. But with destination weddings comes guests who are unable and/or unwilling to attend for any number of reasons. Just say no.

If she really and truly wanted you to be there, she would not have scheduled her wedding in Italy so close to you giving birth in the first place.

SheepyFun · 04/12/2016 14:42

You may only have a 4 w/o baby, and be recovering from a complex c-section. I think you would be mad to commit to going yourself.

If the twins being there is really important, could they go with grandparents/aunts etc.? The twins won't really care if they go or not (and have you tried getting three year olds to behave during weddings. We have lots of experience, and it hasn't been fun), but it might focus the minds of said grandparents!

If it were me, I wouldn't even be thinking about going, though I found the early months of just one DD really tough. Hope you can negotiate things with your family.

Wolfiefan · 04/12/2016 14:42

You can't go really can you? What if baby is late? Passport could be a real issue. And if you needed a section?! Can you even fly that soon after surgery?

Bogeyface · 04/12/2016 14:43

Assuming you had your twins by section it would not be out of the realms of possibility that you may need another one. You would struggle to get insurance to fly at 6 weeks post section. If you tell them that this is a medical thing and not a money thing then there is no argument that they can possibly come back with. "I wont be allowed to fly at 6 weeks post birth" is a fact that cannot be changed.

TaliDiNozzo · 04/12/2016 14:45

YANBU and I largely agree with what others are saying.

That said, I do know someone who was in almost an identical situation earlier this year and she deferred the decision to the very last minute which is what I think you should do really. Laying the ground work for non-attendance which a heavy lean towards not going would be advisable imo. It's also the most realistic since you actually don't know how you'll feel in several months time.

Sparrowlegs248 · 04/12/2016 14:45

I wouldn't be going.

TaliDiNozzo · 04/12/2016 14:48

My friend went to the wedding btw, so it is doable if you're looking for a scenario where this all worked!

(it is weird how similar this situation is actually although friend's sister got married on Sicily rather than Italy and the older children were three and two and the baby six weeks)

Lambzig · 04/12/2016 14:48

My travel insurance wouldn't cover me for 12 weeks before the baby was due and for 12 weeks after it was born. I think that's quite a standard clause. Along with the passport could this get you out of it?

Your family are being ridiculous.

thethoughtfox · 04/12/2016 14:49

Your sister put her own needs before you family's by booking this location; you are totally within your rights to out your family's needs first by not going.

WorraLiberty · 04/12/2016 14:49

You don't have to go and anyone choosing to get married in another country, should understand that, even if it wasn't for the baby/toddlers.

Inthenick · 04/12/2016 14:53

I actually think it would be fine but if you are unwell with depression I can completely understand why it feels totally overwhelming. I would probably book everyone in for the same flights as grandparents and then forget about it till closer to the time. Then I'd have passport applications on hand ready to go straight after registering the birth, your DH can take responsibility for both. Then I'd ask my mum to come and stay for a few days before flying to Italy to help with the twins so I could get packed up. A 4-6 week old is easy to travel with. I found I was in good shape after a couple of weeks after Dd1 and 2, my first baby took longer to recover from with it being a total shock to the system.

It's understandable you feel panicked about it all but in reality it would most likely be a lot easier and more doable than you imagine.

timeisnotaline · 04/12/2016 15:00

Don't go if you don't think you can. You probably can get passports in time (we took our 4 week old to France last year, for an unscheduled relaxing holiday- wouldn't have done a wedding especially if I had older children) They are being unbelievably self centred. Honestly tell them the truth - say my mental health isn't up to it, you obviously don't care about my mental health so I need to make sure I prioritise it, I have 3 small children who depend on me.

SixthSenseless · 04/12/2016 15:00

The baby may well be only just over 4 weeks old! It took us 2 weeks to get an appointment to register the birth, you can't make the appointment in advance of the birth, and then you would need another two weeks to get the passport.

It could all be hunky dory and work like clockwork, but you won't know that til after the birth.

I took DC to Europe at 9 weeks, and that was all fine health and insurance wise.

TalkingintheDark · 04/12/2016 15:03

I feel really stuck because I come from a big family who will think I'm being very difficult and unreasonable. They were angry at the beginning when I said I thought it would be impossible and there approach is that it's my sisters day and nothing else matters

Do you think there could be a link between your depression and your family's attitude towards you?

That aside, great advice from pp about using passport/travel insurance issues as a get out if you feel too fragile to cope with the flak from them over a straightforward refusal.

YANBU at all. Your sister is totally U.

soupey1 · 04/12/2016 15:03

Bear in mind that if you have a late c-section, you will probably not be fit to travel and would be unlikely to be able to get insurance (and existing insurance wouldn't cover cancellation as you already know you are pregnant).

DistanceCall · 04/12/2016 15:06

Perhaps, if you feel like it by then - and I insist, only IF you feel like it - you could go yourself for the day and leave the children at home with your DP or with childcare.

Of course, I do understand that you may feel that six weeks is too early to leave your baby, but perhaps an overnight stay could be doable.

In any case, I think travelling with your children is madness, particularly if you have been unwell. Your sister is a massive bridezilla and your family are enabling her.

Halloweensnake · 04/12/2016 15:11

Yes you are being very unreasonable ,if you don't put yourself first,I haven't got a sister,but I'm surprised she's planned this knowing you will have a newborn..you must put yourself first,your kids depend on you being mentally well x

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 04/12/2016 15:14

I know when I had a 6 week old and one 3-year-old there is no way I would have had the energy to travel with them to Italy. I think you need to just say "I'll see how I'll feel once baby has arrived."

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