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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister getting married in Italy, young babies

195 replies

Corneliagoescamping · 04/12/2016 13:59

I have had terrible depression over the last couple of years and am trying to feel better. My sister has planned her wedding in Italy over Easter when we will have three year old twins and a six week old baby. I know I ABU a bit, but the difficulty of getting there and the stress of having three small children at a wedding, plus the cost and the exhaustion is making me feel completely overwhelmed and I don't want to go. I know we have to, but they have no connection to Italy- husband is Scottish, she is from Yorkshire, and live me in London, and it just seems a huge thing to ask us to do. She knew I was pregnant when organising it and went ahead anyway with the plans. It will cause an enormous row if I don't go and she wants the twins to be page boys, and obviously I don't want to miss it at all, I just feel like it will tip me over the edge. AIB totally U? Probably I am!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/12/2016 18:58

'Um, I had a section and it was no problem at all by 3 weeks let alone 6. Passport was fine and we didn't even spring for express package (just register them promptly). Travel insurance was no issue at all. I really don't get all the angst here.'

For real? No one is this obtuse, surely? Just because it was okay for you, doesn't mean it will be for the OP. For one, it's over Easter, so it's a huge risk as the tickets will cost £££, and the OP may not be 'no problem at all' if she has or needs a CS, may not have 6 weeks (you took a real gamble the passport got there) and the baby might not be, either.

crazyoldc4tlady · 04/12/2016 19:03

we had to wait 2.5 weeks to register DC2. this was the very soonest they could offer. also, all of mynDC were 2 weeks overdue. even with the best intention, I doubt I could have had a passport sorted 6 weeks after the due date (we spent also 2 weeks in hospital post partum due to complications).

I certainly would not commit to it. too many things can get in the way.

rookiemere · 04/12/2016 19:16

There's no way I would have been fit to travel to Italy for a wedding 6 weeks after a C-section and that's without adding toddler twins and depression into the mix.

Personally I'd not be leaving her hanging, I'd be expressing my regrets now and telling her and your parents that you aren't going to make it. Its like a sticking plaster, best to get it over and done with now, rather than saying you might do it and then getting the pressure applied when the new baby is born.

I feel badly for you that your relatives are even putting pressure on you to do this. It's a huge, ridiculous ask.

Booboostwo · 04/12/2016 20:04

For what it's worth I flew home post CS at four weeks after DC1 and 10 days after DC2 but each person is different and you won't know how you feel until you see what kind of birth you have.

Is there a reason your sister booked a date so close to your due date? Is there a reason she chose an overseas location? She comes across as a bit uncaring for not having taken into account the practicalities of your pregnancy with both decisions so I would not go out of my way to fit into her plans.

Bogeyface · 04/12/2016 20:07

Um, I had a section and it was no problem at all by 3 weeks let alone 6. Passport was fine and we didn't even spring for express package (just register them promptly). Travel insurance was no issue at all. I really don't get all the angst here.

The OP doesnt want to go, what part of that did you miss?!

And she is being given some very good reasons why she may not be able to go in order to keep her family off her back.

Just because you were fine doesnt mean that everyone will be, I fucking hate smug "I was decorating the house on day 3 post partum!" posts which imply that anyone who doesnt just isnt trying hard enough.

HermioneWeasley · 04/12/2016 20:13

Of course YANBU

Your family are being ridiculous and selfish.

And dailymail insisting on your sister taking vulnerable newborns to a third world country is the most selfish thing I've ever read.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 04/12/2016 20:13

Hell I wouldn't go. I have DTs and an older DC. It's bloody hard work going away and you will spend shedloads of cash on something that will be difficult at best. We went to a modest wedding of a relative in the same court in the summer and after all wa said and done the outfits, travel and accommodation added up to over a grand.

As for 'oh we'all help' I've heard that one many times too. Depends on the family but IME lots of relatives 'helping' = recipe for disaster: everyone thinks everyone else is keeping an eye out and so nobody is properly looking out. I remember being pg with DTs (and falling over tired) at a family do and my DM & DF 'watching' toddler DS. Every single time they were in the same room as me they totally stopped watching him and here I was on duty again. It was one of those house where there are rooms arranged around a central stair well and in the end I was basically going in circles.

There would have to be a nanny on standby for me to agree to this

RandomMess · 04/12/2016 20:20

"I've discussed it with my GP he's recommended I don't attempt it with my current health concerns let alone the uncertainty of how I will be afterwards"

OR

Pretend to book and then last minute be unable to get baby's passport...

They are being completely ridiculous, it's an invite not a summons.

Shelby2010 · 04/12/2016 20:30

I wouldn't take 3yr olds to a wedding if I could help it anyway! Too much stress keeping them quiet during the service, they won't want to sit through a long meal and then you have to keep them quiet again through the speeches. All so they can look cute in the photos..... Add to that, wedding food is usually at the 'wrong' time for small children, just not worth it even before adding a newborn into the mix.

The only thing I would say is that most people find their second baby easier - less of a shock to the system. So, given you've survived twins, I think you'll find one new baby a doddle. Smile. Still wouldn't want to take it abroad at that young age though!

NicknameUsed · 04/12/2016 20:31

"Um, I had a section and it was no problem at all by 3 weeks let alone 6. Passport was fine and we didn't even spring for express package (just register them promptly). Travel insurance was no issue at all. I really don't get all the angst here."

Well, bully for you. Did you also have three year old twins? Not everyone is the same.

There are too many variables and what ifs to make long term and potentially expensive travel arrangements:

a) The baby may be late
b) There may be unforeseen complications or health issues
c) The OP may have a traumatic delivery or C section
d) Registering the birth may take longer
e) Thus delaying a passport application

I imagine getting travel insurance to cover the above will be difficult as well.

EvenTheWind · 04/12/2016 20:45

If it was just going abroad, that would be really tough in itself.

But trying to make 3 year old twins behave as page boys whilst sleep deprived, in a foreign country, with possible lochia, c section scar, feeding a newborn, keeping them clean and quiet...

Hmm, nope!

Blackbird82 · 04/12/2016 20:52

I definitely wouldn't be going. You will spend the rest of your pregnancy stressing about it, fuck that.

I couldn't imagine going to an event like this and I only have one child! It will be horrendous - don't do it!

Your family should be showing some compassion. They are being very self absorbed.

Headofthehive55 · 04/12/2016 21:23

dorothea you took an increased risk, which is your choice. It's up to others whether they wish to take an increased risk.

HandbagCrab · 04/12/2016 21:30

This is when you want someone to insist on a child free wedding!

Even if I had the sneeziest of sneeze births I would not want to be flying to Italy to a wedding with a newborn and toddlers. You know your family and you know they won't help you. Nothing worse than trying to struggle along surrounded by people who want you to plaster on a smile and want you not to harsh their buzz.

Look after yourself.

Heathen4Hire · 04/12/2016 21:32

YANBU. From a MH point of view it is too much to cope with. My DH has anxiety and Depression so I know the challenges. Look after yourself and your DCs first.

galaxygirl45 · 04/12/2016 21:34

Wow that's a massive ask from your sister and I would assume she doesn't have kids to think it would be an easy or remotely enjoyable thing to do with a newborn let alone twins. I personally wouldn't even contemplate taking a young baby abroad that hadn't at least started its vaccinations, and I think you need to do what is right for you and your physical and mental health. YANBU whatsoever!!

Cheby · 04/12/2016 21:37

YANBU. I had a traumatic labour and EMCS. At 6 weeks PP I was just about physically fit to get around on my own, but I was still on blood thinning injections so I can't see my doctor having signed off on taking a flight.

More pressingly, DD had major feeding and weight gain issues, and I was really suffering with PTSD and PND. I could barely get it together to make it round Mothercare, let alone organise myself and 3 kids to another country.

Put yourself, your twins and your newborn first. Your sister is crazy asking you to do this.

Weneverworked · 04/12/2016 22:03

I agree with everything that's been said about not going, but add that it can't be assumed your baby will pop out well, healthy and a good weight, and fine and dandy to be put in a car seat and taken home within hours.
Newborns can have all sorts of problems, illnesses, prematurity etc needing days or weeks on SCBU.
There are too many what-ifs to plan anything.

Heirhelp · 04/12/2016 22:09

There is no way I would be going. My DD was a week late and we ended up back in hospital 6 weeks post her due date I was only just managing the leave the house to walk around the block.

SusanneLinder · 04/12/2016 22:22

Susanne - same day isn't possible for first passports, you have to send it off - or go along and wait for it to be processed, 4 weeks might just be at a push possible, so they'd need to get the birth certificate within the first 2 weeks, but it'd be up against it timewise, and are looking at getting the passport in mid-march, which is often busy because lots of people book a holiday for Easter time then realise their passport has run out...
Checked passport info page, and fair enough, cant get it same day, could be done in a week. Will depend on how close OP is to a Passport Office obviously. Still possible.But am sure OP has enough to do with a newborn without trekking across half the country if she doesnt have a passport office near her.
However as I said earlier, OP doesn't want to go, so she shouldn't have to if she doesn't feel up to it.

Lorelei76 · 04/12/2016 22:30

OP I hope you're all right
I was at my mum's when I replied - she was having a nap. When she woke up I told her about this and she said crossly that she couldn't believe anyone would be so inconsiderate of all this as your sis is being.

So not only has Lorelei spoken, but also Mum of Lorelei
Grin

If your sis wants to marry there fine, but it's the height of selfishness to pressurise you.

MrsBobDylan · 04/12/2016 22:32

Don't go! You have very, very good reasons not to, your sister made her choice about timing and location and you are free to make yours and stay at home.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 05/12/2016 06:21

Wow. Some aggressive responses. Unnecessary. I already said three pages ago that destination weddings are optional and if she doesn't want to go that's reason enough. But I have actually done what's being proposed so was looking to counter some of the more hysterical 'it's completely impossible' posts. It's not. The passport was not a problem, nor was travel insurance and 6 weeks is quite a long time after an elcs.

SparkyBlue · 05/12/2016 06:32

YANBU. That would not be something I would enjoy at all. With a small baby I would like the familiar surroundings of home. I just wouldn't go. OP friends of ours had something similar but with a wedding in Spain and their twins were six months and a two year old. They wish they hadn't bowed to the pressure to attend.

rosegold33 · 05/12/2016 06:43

I had similar situation, said from beginning I wasn't going. Put it out there so family knew and had time that get used to it. Didn't stop me regretting repeatedly asked if I was going.

Soon as baby arrived I felt better and decided to go, baby was 9 weeks at time of wedding. It was fine but all the people who said they would help didn't, I mean they literally didn't look at baby once in day let alone hold him . I didn't get a meal as baby needed fed at that time.

6 weeks is young especially to fly with. Health visitor said she would not recommend flying more that 2 hours with a baby who hasn't had their immunisations - I would use this as the excuse