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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister getting married in Italy, young babies

195 replies

Corneliagoescamping · 04/12/2016 13:59

I have had terrible depression over the last couple of years and am trying to feel better. My sister has planned her wedding in Italy over Easter when we will have three year old twins and a six week old baby. I know I ABU a bit, but the difficulty of getting there and the stress of having three small children at a wedding, plus the cost and the exhaustion is making me feel completely overwhelmed and I don't want to go. I know we have to, but they have no connection to Italy- husband is Scottish, she is from Yorkshire, and live me in London, and it just seems a huge thing to ask us to do. She knew I was pregnant when organising it and went ahead anyway with the plans. It will cause an enormous row if I don't go and she wants the twins to be page boys, and obviously I don't want to miss it at all, I just feel like it will tip me over the edge. AIB totally U? Probably I am!!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 05/12/2016 09:40

"My parents have always been very protective of her and always side with her in any disagreement we have had over the years."

My DH's parents are like this about his sister. It's unfair and shit. There's not much you can do to change their attitude but you mustn't let them control you. If they won't acknowledge or prioritise your needs, you just have to prioritise them yourself.

Flowers
Sparrowlegs248 · 05/12/2016 09:42

I traveled a 2 hr drive with 4 month old ds for a family party, with dh driving. There was fine, ds slept most of it. Home was fucking horrendous. He screamed constantly. We stopped 5 times, it was cold and dark and I didn't go to my friends wedding the following month as I just couldn't face it happening again.

Friends were going on holiday abroad with babies of similar ages. Everyone's different.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2016 10:05

Why is everyone saying you wouldn't be able to register the baby for over a month? You can register straight after the birth at the Women's Hospital here, so not quite sure what you're all on about.

Because very few hospitals now offer this service. It used to be standard, when I and my sister were born the registrar came to my mums bed the next day to register us. Now you have to wait for an appointment at the registrars office which, due to a massive spike in births in our area in the last few years, can actually happen after the 6 week limit. DD was 5 weeks and 5 days, and that was 6 years ago, its got worse since. So if the OP is in my area there is a fair chance that the baby wont even have its passport until after the wedding, assuming it is born on time and definitely wont if it arrives late.

Bogeyface · 05/12/2016 10:07

Sorry, wont have its birth certificate to get the passport by the time of the wedding....

NicknameUsed · 05/12/2016 10:08

You can only register by appointment where I live as well. I looked at birth registering at all the towns nearby and none of the hospitals offer this service.

mistermagpie · 05/12/2016 10:22

We took 10 week old DS to Italy last year and it was fine (we also did have his passport by six weeks and travel insurance for both of us, for those who are saying those things wouldn't be possible).

However, I had a problem free vaginal birth, he was bottle fed by then and he was my only child. Not a cat in hells chance I would do it with two toddlers as well and you have no idea how the birth is going to go. Your family are being really unreasonable if they are expecting you to go.

wifework · 05/12/2016 10:23

I had 2 kids v close together and depression, and this scenario and all its ingredients makes ME feel anxious. You are not being at ALL unreasonable. When your brothers and sisters have kids they will realise this.

I think you want to try to go, though, so why not ask your sister to pay for a travelling companion like this. If she won't entertain the idea, you won't entertain the idea of going. Surely someone in your enormous family has thought about the reality of this for you??

mistermagpie · 05/12/2016 10:24

Sorry, forgot to say health visitor also advised us not to fly until he had had his 8 week injections, so i wouldn't have gone before that.

MyBonnieLiesOverTheOcean · 05/12/2016 10:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to not want to go. With 3rd old twins and a new baby about to be born, your health is far more important than any wedding. If you have already been suffering from depression then there is far more reason for you to be taking care of yourself first.

No-one can tell how you will be feeling 6 weeks after the birth....you could have an straightforward birth, an contented baby and feel on top of the world and able to attend....or you could have a section, get an infection, have PND, have a baby with reflux that screams for hours, still be bleeding with lochia and be absolutely exhausted from the sheer relentlessness of looking after a 6 week old and twins.

You should tell them that you would love to attend, but will not be able to commit until you see how everything is after the baby is born.

Shame on them if they put pressure on you to attend.

BravoPanda · 05/12/2016 10:28

That's pretty crappy to have to wait that long. Luck of the draw I guess. Perfect excuse not to go through!

NapQueen · 05/12/2016 10:28

At a push I'd take myself and the newborn and stay the shortest time possible with the twins left home with their dad.

However if I couldnt sort a passport by then, or didn't have the funds, or didn't feel I was physically well enough I'd not go.

My second birth was a damn sight easier than my first and I was up and out doing shopping etc the next day, however I'd not bank on that happening again!

trixymalixy · 05/12/2016 10:30

I travelled to Italy with DD when she was that wee and DS was 2 for my dad's 60th and actually it was pretty relaxing. DD just slept all the time and I had loads of people to help with DS.

However the flights were not booked until the baby was born and we knew that we were both ok after the birth. I wouldn;t have booked it in advance as who knows what could happen or how you are feeling after the birth.

Getting a passport for DD at that age was fairly straightforward too, it came very quickly, we may have paid for fast tracking.

So it is doable, but I also think YANBU.

wizzywig · 05/12/2016 10:32

Ive read up to page 2. As im a wimp and couldnt bear months of a bridezilla having a go at me, id go along with it all safe in the knowledge that i'll pull out a month before seeing as i cant get a passport for the baby. Hopefully your sister wont know about the fast track passport service.

Outbackshack · 05/12/2016 10:35

It took us 3 weeks to get appointment to register birth, No way would we have had passport in time. My second 2 weeks late as well. I would use valid excuse of unlikelihood of passport to not go

HouseworkIsASin10 · 05/12/2016 11:16

Don't go. Your health is the most important thing and you don't need the stress or worry of it.

You'll be panicking about getting a passport when you have only just given birth.

Sod them if they start moaning. I can't believe this didn't come up in conversation before she committed to the Italy wedding.

Luckily I'm close enough to my sister that if she had even mentioned a possibility of Italy I'd have laughed and said 'sorry sis, no chance of me going with a newborn and the twins!'

I'd have made it plain as soon as it was mentioned so there would be no doubt whatever she decided that I would not be attending a destination wedding.

AaLittleEggLayOnALeaf · 05/12/2016 11:54

Just "forget" to discuss baby names with your DP. A baby without a name can't get a passport 😊

PippiLongstromp · 05/12/2016 15:44

Some good points being made here, you don't actually have to say anything now, but when you've had baby you can see how you are and if you are not up to it you can tell them the passport could not be arranged in time. Problem sorted! I love Mumsnet.

tribpot · 05/12/2016 16:26

I don't think the OP can wait until after the baby has been born to say whether or not the twins can be part of the circus wedding party. Presumably the page boys have an integral role to play and the bride will need to find someone else to, er - I have no idea what three year old page boys do.

In seriousness, I think the bride will pressure for a definite yes or no ahead of the birth of dc3, not least to confirm numbers for the meal and so on. As OP cannot guarantee to be physically OR mentally well enough (those using the 'buck your ideas up' school of depression management might want to take note of the fact that doesn't work), nor have the baby's passport, it has to be a no.

AmayaBuzzbee · 05/12/2016 16:54

I know everyone is different, but personally I would decline this now, asap. You are already stressed about it, if you will agree to go you will be stressing about it until Easter and then have horrendous time since you already know you won't be enjoying it. A newborn and their mummy's health (mental and physical) trumps any wedding. Just decline and focus on your babies.

DowntonDiva · 05/12/2016 17:00

I wouldn't go. Sorry your anticipating a negative response from your family. But please put yourself and your DCs first. A stressed out mum 6 weeks after giving birth isn't good for anyone.

For what it's worth I wouldn't have gone after having DD.

Enjoy your DCs and the new baby Flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 05/12/2016 17:01

Its a shitty one

If you decline now, you have the stress off your mind but a family fall out just before xmas.

If you stay silent and see how it goes, you will have months and months of anxiety and will probably pull at the last minute anyway- and then have the fall out. so extra anxiety + fall out

why have the remainder of your pregnancy with this hanging over you?

so what's worst scenario, I would pull out now and take the shit and do it as kindly as you can- and don't let her grief you, fuck her, I hate selfish people

your family are not very supportive are they

AdmiralCissyMary · 05/12/2016 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheAnswerIsYes · 06/12/2016 02:14

I wouldn't go. Travelling 6 weeks post birth with depression and 3yo dts will be awful. You don't know how the birth will go and you might be in a terrible state.

However, do not give not getting a passport in time as an excuse. You do not need a passport to fly to Italy and baby can fly with just a birth certificate. I travelled around Europe with my child until he was almost 1yo without a passport. It isn't necessary within the EU (might change when Brexit happens)

Dinosaursgoboo · 06/12/2016 02:53

Definitely I wouldn't go. At 6 weeks postpartum with DS2 (i have 5 yr old and 2 yr old aswell), I was having some extended baby blues and finding even short visits from friends took a toll on my mental health (and i have no history of depression). So to give birth and have the stress of organising such a trip, added to existing depression, I think it would have had a terrible impact.

I did go to a big family wedding when ds2 was 5 months old. No one really helped at all. Which was fine as they're my kids and I happily looked after them. But I barely saw the wedding ceremony, couldn't dance or take part in the reception, had to politely skip queues at the buffet while holding the baby to stop toddler meltdowns etc etc. I'm not saying this to complain, it's just the reality of weddings with kids. Not much fun really.

user7214743615 · 06/12/2016 03:02

You do not need a passport to fly to Italy and baby can fly with just a birth certificate. I travelled around Europe with my child until he was almost 1yo without a passport. It isn't necessary within the EU (might change when Brexit happens).

This is not correct. Most of Europe is within the Schengen zone so you can travel without a passport. The UK is outside the Schengen zone and so you need a passport (or national id card, which UK doesn't have) to enter and leave Schengen.

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