Neighbour made a complaint

[Kel1234]

Our landlord has told us that a few weeks ago somebody made a complaint about noise from our house. Yes we have our share of arguments and sometimes they get louder than they should, but it's not exactly all the time. But we always apologise to our neighbour as soon as we can about it (end of terrace so only have one). Landlord said he doesn't know who it was. And obviously won't go accusing anyone. But aibu to say think that if someone had a problem they could and maybe should have come to us first and explained their concerns? Had they done we would have apologised and made sure we made a bigger effort to keep the shouting down. I'm a bit upset they went behind our backs about it. (Landlord isn't too concerned, but I am quite upset one of our neighbours did this).

How many times have you had to apologise to your neighbour because of the noise of you arguing?

Maybe you come over as intimidating or unapproachable or they are not very assertive. Might be better to find alternative ways to resolve issues than loud arguments.

Tty looking at it from their point of view - particularly if they're shy, timid, non-confrontational and the noise they're complaining about is two people fighting like cats in a sack, would you fancy popping up on their doorstep and asking them to shut up when you've no reason to think you'll get anything but the same treatment?

If my neighbours were arguing to the extent you describe I would (and have) phone the police.

Yes maybe they think you might shout at them if they raised the issue with you. Use your indoor voice in the house.

Apologies are all very well, but the rows still happen. If not be a happy neighbour either.

Take it on the chin and sort out how you speak to each other. It sounds unpleasant. You are at fault here, not the neighbours.

Wow some unhelpful rude people here. I asked about the neighbour, not for marriage counselling. Everyone argues from time to time. I mean really

Tbh, I don't get your problem. It's clearly happened before, you've apologised to your neighbours before, it's happened again so I can't blame them for escalating it.

If you're making a noise that's bothering your neighbours then I'd accept the complaint and take steps to ensure they don't feel they have to complain again.

Your post reads like you're trying to deflect the blame. It's not your neighbours' fault that they didn't come and speak to you. It's your fault for making too much noise. Own it.

Why do you need a complaint to act like a civilized human being? Why can't you just be a decent neighbor anyway instead of fighting like an episode of eastenders?

It's not normal to argue so much that your neighbours have to be apologised to. Most people in the world don't do this.

Actually not everyone argues in a way that means it frequently disturbs neighbours. I completely sympathesise with your neighbour; I'd be terrified to go tell the people who scream at each other to keep the noise down.

'Everyone argues from time to time' yes, but most of us don't end up needing to apologise to our neighbours for our behaviour or receive complaints via the landlord for it.

Be an adult and deal with the primary issues, which is your behaviour and the relationship.

Everyone argues. To argue loudly enough that you have to apologise to your neighbours on multiple occasions is not something everyone does.

Arguing to the point you have to apologise to the neighbours isn't normal.

It doesn't exactly make you sound approachable either.

Next time you may well end up with the police on your doorstep.

Yeah, you're right, you seem really approachable

You have caused this. You acknowledge that you are loud enough to have had to apologise to your neighbour on multiple occasions yet you have the nerve to be annoyed that they have complained in a way you don't like. How about you stop screaming at each other instead.

We argue, but it's never been at a volume to disturb anyone else. I think it's more unusual, and disturbing, than you think.

If the level of noise of you and partner arguing is enough for a neighbour to complain to the LL then there is a problem isnt there? You need to look at yourself not your neighbour. There may be many reasons why they dont talk to you face to face, but thats not the issue is it? The issue is you are creating a noise problem. Instead of being cross with your neighbour accept responsibility and grow up.

It's not your neighbour's responsibility to mediate your unreasonable behaviour! I've been in your neighbour's position and there's no way I would have gone to complain directly. We phoned the police because he was knocking fuck out of his screaming girlfriend and it's their job to intervene not mine. What you're describing is not everyone's normal and some people find that level of shouting upsetting. You have no right to inflict your "normal" on other people.

If you think that regular screaming argument are a normal part of marraige then I feel v er y sorry for you neighbours. Maybe you should rethink how you out communicate with each other? Your neighbours and you out our vocal chords will thank you.

Apologising doesn't solve the issue though if the loud arguing is continuing

Think of it from their point of view.

They know you're aware of the issue as you've apologised to them, but the issue hasn't gone away so they've contacted the landlord. It's actually common sense on their part.

I'm actually surprised you expect a neighbour to speak to clearly aggressive people about their noise.

It doesn't matter that to you it's controlled aggression through shouting and that it's a normal...maybe even healthy aspect to your relationship.

To your neighbour it's obviously intimidating and disturbing them. Don't really blame them for asking your landlord have a word privately rather than risk dealing with you face to face and being shouted at or sneered at (a bit like you have at the first few responses).

I remember the first time I was present when my school friend's parents were arguing. They were yelling at each other and I was really upset by it. My friend got really angry with me because as far as she was concerned that was totally normal and I was being weird about it.

I don't understand why you're upset. You know there's a noise problem, it hasn't been solved by neighbourly words so they've escalated it the only way possible.

Surely this is a wake up call that you have to sort it out, and find a (normal) way to communicate that doesn't involve shouting? You're making yourself out to be a bit of a hellish neighbour.

And they have probably escalated it to your landlord because despite your apologies it has carried on. I hope your landlord is able to take action because inflicting aggressive noise on your neighbours is horrible.