Neighbour made a complaint

[Kel1234]

Our landlord has told us that a few weeks ago somebody made a complaint about noise from our house. Yes we have our share of arguments and sometimes they get louder than they should, but it's not exactly all the time. But we always apologise to our neighbour as soon as we can about it (end of terrace so only have one). Landlord said he doesn't know who it was. And obviously won't go accusing anyone. But aibu to say think that if someone had a problem they could and maybe should have come to us first and explained their concerns? Had they done we would have apologised and made sure we made a bigger effort to keep the shouting down. I'm a bit upset they went behind our backs about it. (Landlord isn't too concerned, but I am quite upset one of our neighbours did this).

OP was talking about fighting and arguments, not speaking louder so the other person can hear. THere's surely a difference?

Our neighbours argue a lot. And loudly. I can hear everything they're saying and it drives me insane.

I sympathise with your neighbours.
Stop shouting at each other

screaming is a sound a baby makes to me. High pitched, a screech. Shouting is when your voice is louder than your normal volume.

Yes I'm getting into semantics, it's just some people on this thread have escalated argueing to screaming without knowing the facts

Fizz, no of course not. Any suggestion here that the DH or the OP are deaf and that the voices are raised because they are trying to communicate with one another? OP admits that they are loud arguments that can be heard by neighbours and warrant apologies and have now lead to complaints. What that has to do with your DH being deaf in one ear, and you having to speak louder than normal, eludes me.

Katharina a raised voice is a shout, no??

this my point was that if I got reported because someone thought I was being abusive would be upsetting because someone clearly got the wrong end of the stick

I was making a point that sometimes shouting is necessary! (People on here have been holier than thou saying they never raise their voice etc )

i have also shouted at dh if we have had an arguement, I wouldn't apologise to the neighbours for that either

this my point was that if I got reported because someone thought I was being abusive would be upsetting because someone clearly got the wrong end of the stick

Quite unlikely to happen though isn't it? If I heard my neighbours through the wall and one of them raised her voice to say 'would you like a cup of tea' or similar, that would not be/sound abusive even if the volume was high. However, two people having a shouting argument (or a screaming argument or whatever you like) would be a different matter entirely.

I think the difference between the two is that shouting tends to be where the speaker is more in control. Screaming suggests more of a lack of control. Both can be equally intimidating and abusive. According to the dictionary, they are broadly equivalent though except scream tends to be defined as more high-pitched.

Either way, whilst it is not good to exaggerate, deliberate minimising isn't good either when it is clear from the OP that these are loud arguments, not people talking at a louder volume to be heard.

I really don't think someone would report neighbourts to police/ss for abuse because they raise their voices to communicate with hearing challenged family members? Or raise their voices to yell 'Dinner is ready!'

The thread was about loud voices and shouting during an argument.

i have also shouted at dh if we have had an arguement, I wouldn't apologise to the neighbours for that either

OK, well this isn't about you. The OP has apologised before (presumably spontaneously) so it suggests that maybe we are talking about something a little bit more serious than your situation.

Well tbh this thread has made me paranoid now.

Sometimes I will get frustrated with saying the same shit over and over and probably sound nasty.

Oh and my 11 month old is going through a 'scream for no reason all the time and bang on the walls' phase

Wonder when we will get our visit from the old bill

Aye this I don't make a habit of having daily arguements if I can help it 😂

Yeah that was what I was getting at with the shouting/screaming thing

I just didn't know how to word it! Cheers

Calling from upstairs or yelling dinners ready are not remotely the same as having arguments that must be screaming matches - I can't believe a neighbour would complain for normal 'dinners ready/come in from playing in the garden' type hollering.
I've had neighbours who had such massive violent rows we called the police. You don't do that for common or gArden raised voices.

It's hardly holier than thou to not have screaming rows with your partner, surely? Everyone has off days and grumpy days but getting to the point complaints and apologies are happening isn't normal

Fizz, a yelling toddler (I have one myself, sigh) or a slightly hard of hearing husband aren't aggressive or intimidating shouting.
When it's screaming blue murder at each other it's a totally different game. It's the aggression as much as the noise.,

Wonder when we will get our visit from the old bill

Oh no, you shouldn't worry about it. Raised voices are normal in the home, especially with young toddlers. Also, of course you need to raise your voice if your DH has hearing difficulties. I very much doubt any neighbours would report you for that at all. However, I have lived next door to a couple who used to have regular screaming/shouting rows. I didn't report it but it was very, very unpleasant to listen to. It wasn't the volume, it was the tone and what they were saying to one another. It used to keep me awake because I would be listening out for sounds of violence (in which case I would have called the police). A family making noise and occasionally shouting would not have bothered me at all (unless it was 3 am or something).

How often do you row loudly? Is it at night?

I've had neighbours who regularly yell at each other and slam doors, it didn't bother me. But it was less than once a month. More often and it would grate on my nerves. It's intimidating to hear people shouting at each other all the time

Ana it's the never raising ones voice thing.

I do it so does dh

Sometimes we have crossed words and it's in raised voices

Sometimes I'm just shouting normal stuff so he can hear me

This thread has just made me paranoid that maybe one day our neighbours won't tell the difference or something ... Ok?!

Thank you ana and this

I feel a bit better now!!!

Oh you can tell the difference.. family noise is fine. Screaming and threats of violence is not however I wouldn't confront the latter

I live in a detached house and could hear the next door neighbours screeching and arguing for hours. It was annoying and disturbing our peace but I wouldn't of approached them as I thought she would just screech at me.

I kept on telling myself that even though it wasn't nice to hear it must be worse to live like that. They seem to of stopped.

A screechy person does not give off the approachable vibe

Fizz, yours sounds like normal family racket.

I've had neighbours where we've called in genuine fear for the female partners life.

DH and I have had our fair share of arguments and raised voices...but never loud or aggressive enough to require an apology (I doubt anyone's even heard us). So the fact that you've had to applogize several times and that someone complained to the landlord about it suggests you're having some very serious/loud/aggressive arguments that are not what the rest of us would call a normal argument. And if I heard a couple having multiple loud aggressive arguments, there's no way I'd approach them about it and make myself a target.

Seriously OP, if you have apologised multiple times and not actually bothered to change your behaviour, then your apologies are completely meaningless and you might as well not bother! If you say sorry and then keep on doing the thing you said sorry for, then you're not actually sorry at all. If you were, then you would have stopped. WTF is the point in keep apologising for something you don't intend to actually do anything about?

I've had neighbours like you, more than once (and far worse) and it can be terrifying to have to listen to. I had to call the police on multiple occasions and after many complaints to their landlord, they eventually evicted them over it. Do you want that to be you? I suspect not.

Sort out your behaviour. It's NOT normal at all.

I've had neighbours where we've called in genuine fear for the female partners life.

That's scary