Neighbour made a complaint

[Kel1234]

Our landlord has told us that a few weeks ago somebody made a complaint about noise from our house. Yes we have our share of arguments and sometimes they get louder than they should, but it's not exactly all the time. But we always apologise to our neighbour as soon as we can about it (end of terrace so only have one). Landlord said he doesn't know who it was. And obviously won't go accusing anyone. But aibu to say think that if someone had a problem they could and maybe should have come to us first and explained their concerns? Had they done we would have apologised and made sure we made a bigger effort to keep the shouting down. I'm a bit upset they went behind our backs about it. (Landlord isn't too concerned, but I am quite upset one of our neighbours did this).

We argue, and I've been known to raise my voice. We moved here a year ago and if our neighbours have heard us arguing it's been, maximum, twice. It doesn't sound like its infrequent in the OP.

When I was 18/19 I lived in a ground floor flat with my then bf who progressively turned out to be violent. One night a drunken row escalated to a screaming match and he locked me in the bedroom, beat me senseless and stangled me. He only stopped when the police burst in and pulled him off me - it transpired our neighbours in the flat above had called the police when they heard the shouting. I thank god that they did, because I don't know when he would have stopped. The intervention also lead to me getting the help I needed to get away from him. So don't always assume that dialling 999 is a waste of police time.

*Maudlinmaud
I bet op isn't coming back

I raise your bet. I think she will with a name change *

Im going to raise that bet again and say the OP will name change and come back as her pretend sister

Actually user14801, lots of posters said they don't shout and lots said they didn't even argue:

CarrotVan: "Never had a blazing row with DH in the 17 years we've been together. We've disagreed and discussed but never had an argument with raised voices"

NotCitrus:"Yes, people argue. But they don't shout at each other in a house"

TheInternetIsForPorn:"No. not every couple argues. My DH and I don't. We disagree about stuff but we don't argue.
We once have."

kungfupannda:"In 16 years together, DP and I have never once shouted at each other"

I don't argue.
What's the point?
I'm a grown adult as is my OH.
We can easily have a rational discussion if necessary and either compromise or agree to disagree.
I never understand this 'everyone argues'
No they don't, nor should they!

Obolomov I'm trying to figure out what point you are making. That people who have regular shouting matches have better marriages?

We have never shouted at each other. Is it necessary? If the argument is reasonable, the other one can hear it at a normal volume as well.

To be honest I think maybe you are minimising things?

If you have children in the house and arguments are escelating to the level that neighbour's are complaining it's only a matter of time before they bypass your LL and call police/SS

But aibu to say think that if someone had a problem they could and maybe should have come to us first and explained their concerns? Had they done we would have apologised and made sure we made a bigger effort to keep the shouting down.

If I were living next door to a couple who were shouting at each other loudly enough that I could hear them, and loudly enough that it wasn't just background noise, and was distressing enough for me to want to make a complaint, there is NO WAY that I would knock on their door and ask them to stop shouting. The threat of violence would be too much.

You may think you're a reasonable person, but I doubt your neighbour does.

My neighbours used to have blazing rows. I would never have confronted them because all I heard from them was screaming and Threats of violence. I didn't want to go round and be at the recieving end of a fist

Obolomov yeah we argue every now and then. We don't shout because we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and id hate for them to hear us. Either way, I think shouting to a level that they've had to apologise to their neighbours more than once is wrong.

In a lot of houses any conversation you have will be audible to neighbours. Until we added soundproofing we could hear next door's tv well enough that ours might as well be on mute. Other friends hear every mundane conversation through the party wall - wouldn't take much of a row to be heard in that sort of house!

I'm almost forty

I've never had a screaming row with a partner in all those years. I have the odd bicker with my husband but no, screaming arguments aren't normal - are they?

If you're loud enough that your neighbours are complaining there is an issue. I'd be extremely intimidated hearing that - if there were kids in the house I'd be concerned for them. It's not good for children to witness that level of conflict.

So yabu yes. I've lived next door to my fair share of nightmare neighbours. There's no way on earth I'd go round to a shouty neighbor and complain because frankly, I'd be expecting to get decked, yelled at or retaliated at in some way.

If your living arrangements are regularly disturbing your neighbours you need to address that, whether it's music, loud noise, anti social behaviour or screaming rows. You live on a crowded little island - be considerate to those in close proximity

random ours is the same, I can hear when they cough and sneeze

There is a sticky post on the relationships board ('listen up') explaining what should be expected in a normal relationship.

It does not include regular shouting matches. We are all human, but I am struggling to think of a shouting match between him and me in decades. We don't agree on everything, but we talk it out like adults.

A normal relationship also does not include violence, non-consensual extra-marital shagging, drug abuse, gambling, alcoholism or any of the other horrors that do happen here and in real life.

and it certainly does not include screaming that makes the neighbours call for outside assistance.

A lot of people don't see shouting on the same level as drugs and cheating..!

It's pretty damaging for kids to be listening to their parents, who are supposed to be the stable core of their world, screaming at each other.
The odd 'arrrgh for the love of God tidy your room!' Is one thing - arguments regularly/at a volume that initiates complaints is another.
I've never screamed at dh or any other partner I've had. I'd expect he same in return. I don't scream at my child either

Honestly though have I misread something? Because I'm pretty sure op never said she screamed but a lot of people have said it on this thread.

FizzBomb see below

Had they done we would have apologised and made sure we made a bigger effort to keep the shouting down

Doesn't sound like the problem is thin walls or whatever, but rather, loud arguments.

Screaming and shouting are different surely?!

I sometimes shout if I'm calling dh from upstairs, it's raising my voice

Screaming is, well screaming. It's a different sound. Like it's not louder but it's more...

Dunno

A lot of people don't see shouting on the same level as drugs and cheating..!

Many see shouting and screaming as a form of domestic abuse and it would certainly not be a good environment for DC if the parents regularly shouted at each other to the extent that complaints were made to the landlord.

I wasn't defending the op with the thin walls thing I was just saying I have that problem where I live. Could well be thin walls, we don't know for sure as we are neither the neighbour or the op.

this my dh is deaf in one ear so I have to raise my voice a lot

Is that domestic abuse?!

I expect it can sound abusive as I have to repeat myself/ shout for him to hear me sometimes

But obviously it's not abuse

If my neighbours reported me I would be... Well I would be confused.

Screaming and shouting are different surely?!

Are they really that different? The point is that the voices were raised to the extent that the OP has felt the need to apologise to the neighbours in the past and that now, a neighbour has complained to the landlord. Whatever the semantics, this does not sound healthy or normal.