Neighbour made a complaint

[Kel1234]

Our landlord has told us that a few weeks ago somebody made a complaint about noise from our house. Yes we have our share of arguments and sometimes they get louder than they should, but it's not exactly all the time. But we always apologise to our neighbour as soon as we can about it (end of terrace so only have one). Landlord said he doesn't know who it was. And obviously won't go accusing anyone. But aibu to say think that if someone had a problem they could and maybe should have come to us first and explained their concerns? Had they done we would have apologised and made sure we made a bigger effort to keep the shouting down. I'm a bit upset they went behind our backs about it. (Landlord isn't too concerned, but I am quite upset one of our neighbours did this).

We used to have neighbours who would get drunk at least one evening every weekend, start singing the same song loudly over and over again, then start arguing and shouting and it usually ended with him being kicked out of the house in the early hours of the morning, more shouting outside the house and banging of doors. I have no idea how their three young children slept through it all. We never called the police or complained to the LL (we don't actually talk to them unless there is absolutely no way around it) but I think the people across the street did several times. The entire street breathed a sigh of relief when they moved out but it was rather entertaining at times.

If I'd heard screaming and shouting like that I would probably have called the police.

And I bet the OP isn't coming back.

"We always apologise to our neighbour as soon as we can about it"

IN other words you have done it several, maybe loads of times before and now they are heartily sick of it. Why don't you just have some consideration and stop behaving like a spoilt bratty teen? .

Consider yourself lucky OP - I'd be calling the police.

OP YABU about feeling upset about this complaint.

From the point of view from your neighbour who hears you arguing

1. if it is so loud that you need to apologise then it is OTT
2. if it happening so frequently you need to apologise is it OTT
3. if you have a history of arguing then you can surely understand that someone does not want to confront you about it. Either face to face or by a letter
4. if it is spoiling the enjoyment of their property/life they must have a paper trail to give to LL. therefore if they decide they want to move - they can cite noisy neighbours. And the LL can say they tried to resolve it before noise abatement or anti social team are involved.

It's fine and we'll apologising but doesn't change the fact that you're arguing and causing your neighbours distress.

Now, LL's not too concerned. And that's great. But maybe just keep neighbours in mind whilst having a barney.

I bet op isn't coming back

I raise your bet. I think she will with a name change

Arguing to the point that "we always apologise to our neighbour as soon as we can" implies that this happens frequently. Your neighbours must be sick to the back teeth of you.

And your response Wow some unhelpful rude people here. I asked about the neighbour, not for marriage counselling. Everyone argues from time to time. I mean really implies that you fully believe the problem is with your neighbour's reaction, not your behaviour.

People like you make me thank God I live in a detached house, with wonderful neighbours.

Sort yourselves out and stop behaving like a pair of antisocial gobshites.

Stop blaming the neighbour for the way you behave. No they don't have to confront it, you are being an nuisance. Once by being noisy and a second time by going round with an apology.

OP from neighbour's POV: You know it's an issue because you have approached them and apologised on a few occasions and it is still happening on a regular basis so how is coming to speak to you and you offering an apology and to "try" to make sure it doesn't happen any different from the currently failed system that there seems to be ie you apologising but still doing it anyway? They might have felt safer/ easier going to LL?

User1471 when we phoned the police it was very far from a waste of time. It was the trigger that got a frightened young woman away from a man who had battered her. I don't mean they shouted a bit and he shoved her, I mean he literally battered her, she was black and blue. She could easily have been killed if we'd done nothing. I make absolutely no apology for phoning the police and I'd do it again in heartbeat.

YABU. It's fine to go to the Landlord to complain about unsocial behaviour from tenants. You are assuming it is your neighbour - well, maybe. If you've already had to apologise for noise and it is continuing, then yes they are going to complain.

I'm over 50 and in all those years I've NEVER had a neighbour apologise for the noise they caused having a row because rows like that don't happen. It is really not normal.

I think op gets the message now...

Fwiw I hear my neighbours argueing quite frequently and I couldn't give a shit, got better things to do

(Not sure if our walls are just really thin though, I can hear them walking up the stairs even)

the LL needs to know because this kind of regular and loud argument implies that the next thing is going to be smashing the place (or each other) up.

the neighbours have told the LL because they are very fed up. No LL evicts on a whim, because it is expensive and costs a bomb, and has huge risks, but also no LL will be keen to have pissed-off neighbours.

I suggest that if you want to stay where you are, you learn to communicate like adults.

not liking the facts doesn't change them.

It is not unreasonable to phone the police if you suspect alcohol or drug use or domestic violence.

For general noise disturbance most local councils have noise abatement teams.

Noise pollution is, indeed, antisocial behaviour.

And speaking as someone who lives next to neighbours who do all these things it is very difficult to relax and enjoy being in your home!

I am a LL and if I had a complaint like this I would approach the tenants and ask them to apologise.
If more complaints came in I would probably not renew at the end of the contract.
Its more important to have neighbours on your side than have tenants who cause a noise nuisance.

DH and I have never shouted at each other in 10 years of marriage. I don't ever remember my parents ever shouting at each other either and they're coming up for their 50 year anniversary. Doesn't mean it's all lovey dovey all the time, but certainly never shouting.

If I had neighbours who I could hear shouting through the walls, then I wouldn't want to approach them either. Would hate to get involved in other people's arguments. I'd think asking the landlord to have a word was perfectly reasonable. I think you're looking for a reason to get angry. You may be the kind of people who quite enjoy getting worked up for a good shouting match, but for other people even the thought of it is massively stressful.

If it was TV noise then I could understand you being upset that the neighbour didn't approach you first and try to settle it face to face, but because it's arguing it makes you unapproachable

I'm fascinated by the OP's definition of "rude". She thinks that a bunch of strangers telling her online that SIBU is rude, but not repeatedly arguing with her DP to the point that the neighbors have reported to the LL. That's not rude. And I don't believe she apologises either fwiw.

Our naice middle class neighbours have blazing rows every few months. I enjoy listening to the pettiness of their shots ("You didn't even WANT to go to my sister's BBQ and it was clear from your bloody face the whole time!")

They honestly don't want to approach a couple they may view as scary/ aggressive.
I have been in v volatile relationships and I don't think it is the norm. I was a victim of DV in my relationship before DP and had to leave with the clothes on my back. I did used to yell at him out of frustration, he was an alcohol. But I don't think it's the norm.
DP and I don't shout at each other. My parents never do and never have.
I don't think they've gone behind your back. They are simply seeking a solution

He was an alcoholic, gah!

Dh and I argue rarely. But when we do, I often shout. I'm not apologising for this. I am actually proud of this - having a reasonable vocabulary, to express myself eloquently and succinctly, but if you make me cross enough, yes I've been known to shout. I'm not ashamed.

All the above posters, who have never shouted, great, good for you. Is that the norm? which is more the norm? occasional shout? Worthy of a complaint? I think not.

yabu

if you have a policy of apologising after an argument that your neighbour might hear, it's happening too much.

yes people argue. no it shouldn't be affecting your neighbours.

stop screaming like banshees at each other and try and have a little consideration for those that have to listen to it

Have re-read the thread. Nearly all posters barely argue, no shouting.
Really? I don't think that's normal. Is this reflective of RL, or just a MN thing?
Not that I do much either, but I guess this explains the other thread I've been on this week, about people who have affairs, and 50% (? or large %)of marriages failing.

And I'm not talking about DV, screaming, or serious fighting.
99% of this thread appear to never shout, though, ever. Strange.

Its that people don't shout at the level of pissing off their neighbours, not that no-one ever argues.

I've been known to shout (and sing at the top of my lungs, if it comes to that), but never so loudly that the neighbors complained. There's levels of things. "Creating a disturbance so egregious that neighbors complain" is obviously a higher level than "raising your voice to a shouting level for a bit every now and then".