Daddy daughter time

[Tryingtostayyoung]

Hi all. So me and DH have been arguing quite a lot recently abit a few different things so apologies for my continuous threads. There now seems to be another thing to now add to the list.
DH is angry with me because he feels like I never give him time to go out or spend at home on his own with DD on a regular basis. I go out with my friends probably once/twice a month but I don't go out till around 7 and then DD goes to bed at 7:30. I haven't sort of done it on purpose but I will admit that in the past if DH has said maybe I'll take DD out for breakfast or something like that I've said I want to come. He's just gotten really upset with me, practically in tears, he just wants to have a good relationship with her and be the dad that he never had. I now feel quite stupidly and pathetically unwanted as I don't really see DH in the week at all apart from maybe an hour in the evenings and family time the three of us feels precious.
He made me not feel that sorry for him when he then became angry and said, "if I could go back 4years I think I would have insisted on being a SAHD and let you stay in your job and treat you exactly how you have me just so you could really understand how I feel". Have I really been that unreasonable? I said to him that if he loved me he wouldn't say something like that bevause I would never wish for him to be upset like that and he said if you really loved me then you would realise what I give up so you can be at home and would have said to me on more than two occasions in 4years, "take DD out and have some time alone together"

Only on mumsnet would this be further indication that you are jealous and controlling

The only thing you are allowed to do on mumsnet is put the kettle on, have a spa day or go shopping while your DH looks after the children, at his whim. Didn't you know?

... goes to make a cheese toastie.

slender don't you think the dad should be able to take the daughter out whether she is in the house or not?

What happens if he wants to take her out during other times? Is she going to 'allow' it? Or get cross because he should have taken the child out when she was at work?

Make sure he writes "take dd to breakfast" in his diary. He wouldn't want to carelessly make a dental appointment for a Friday and miss his slot......

I love how this has moved from really supportive posters who were happily telling me I was wrong but seeing there was no bad intent and that actually they were making me realise I was wrong and steering me in the right direction to posters who are just hellbent on turning everything I am saying into something bad.

The reason I rearranged my work isn't because that's when I am "allowing" him to spend alone time with her... DH said that he would like to take her swimming and a late breakfast every other Saturday and suggested that I use that time to spend some alone time with my own mum as I only normally get to see her with DD, however she works on Saturdays so I decided to move my work day to Saturday so that I can see her Friday morning when she isn't working and DD is at nursery.

Supportive doesn't necessarily mean fawning, Trying. We're all reading your thread and interpreting it as we see it.

It's not a question of 'good' and 'bad' - and that's a really unhealthy way of looking at things. Why not just speak to your husband and find out what the crux of the issue is with him? What he wants/expects in respect of taking your daughter out?

You've made the thread all about your feelings - fair enough, it's your thread - but there are people around you so, in being supportive to you, it's necessary to take into account what they (your husband) are telling you. Nobody wants to see you upset, nor ending up with a situation that you don't want BUT, the way you're posting is very much about how you want things - and your husband doesn't agree - that is why you argued, presumably?

Are you going to let him take his daughter out when he wants to? The way that you can?

That is the question - he wants equal right to parent/enjoy his daughter that you have. He works outside the home/you work inside the home - both equal. He works so that you can provide care for your child/you provide care for your child so that he can work - without you both stumping up for childcare.

Perhaps re-read your first post and subsequent posts again because to me, nothing has changed, you are still trying to retain 'control' of access to your daughter... and you don't have the 'right' to do that.

posted too soon.

If you have arranged your work so that you can see your mum then great, but that wasn't clear at your 10:52 post to me, and I read it as being the time for your husband to take your daughter. Obviously, this isn't the case, he's not restricted now.

shoopy

I've read the OP's posts very carefully - it seems like she has the dd for the vast majority of the time and the only time they are all together is the weekend. For her, this is the highlight of the weekend and her OP knows that that the OP has naturally looked forward to this as their precious family time together. In that context, it's natural that it's been difficult to him to say, 'Actually darling, I'd like you to stay at home instead of coming out with us this morning because I'd like it to be just the two of us.'

His DP wouldn't really need to be doing anything controlling for that to be a difficult thing to say. Perhaps if they had lots of children and saw much more of each other and she liked 'me' time it would all be different. But in this family, he is cutting into her favourite part of the week when they are time-deprived already and he knows this. It's not so much that he can't take his DD out but that it's hard for him to say 'I don't want you this time.' This is especially the case because she has suffered a miscarriage. He knows it will hurt her which is difficult, and she knows she has to be ok with it, which is also difficult. If he were to say, 'to hell with you and your feelings, she's my child too, ta ra,' I don't think she would object at this point because she is genuinely wishing to support the relationship between them and recognises that she hasn't been doing this as much as she should.

So what she is doing now is saying, 'Ok, you said you wanted to take DD out for breakfast on a Saturday morning sometimes without me and that created a difficult dynamic because it left me home alone when I would love to be with you both. So I will find something to occupy my time so that dynamic will be removed and you and DD can get on with it'.

It's quite clear that what he wants is to be able to do this sometimes and he is only available to do this at the weekend. The OP has tried to remove the problem - and probably has successfully done so. She can't help being the primary carer though, and shouldn't have to apologise for that. Neither parent has the right to waltz in and waltz out with the child without discussion.

Cross posted with you OP

And I think you're being bullied a bit here OP by 'cool wives' - ignore it

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe I thought the below from one of my original posts made it clear...
I'm going to do what I said earlier and arrange with my work to go in every other Saturday morning instead of Fridays so that I can go see my mum for a few hours whilst DD is in nursery. fair enough if it didn't, he has stipulated what he would like to do and I have arranged things for myself to be doing just as was suggested by pp to stop myself from feeling irrationally left out, i don't think that is wrong, I'm trying to do the right thing.

slenderisthenight thank you, I really feel like you have listened to me the entire time and recognise that I have not once said i was right but that I didn't know how to fix it whilst feeling how I do

I'm a sahm. My DH regularly has our little ones alone for short periods including our 12week old exclusively bf baby! I do think it's normal for children to spend time alone with their dads. Otherwise it seems like we're the only capable ones at child-rearing.

I really don't understand why your DH doesn't like to spend time with all of you, and only wants alone time with his daughter.
I honestly don't get that.
And why is he making such a massive deal about it? Spending time alone with her versus you being there should make no difference, you're a family unit.

Trying, I read that as going to see your mum on Fridays whilst your daughter is in nursery so apologies for misinterpreting you. Hopefully, this will be helpful for you in feeling not so left out of things as you'll have other things to do yourself.

If you have the issues in sight and you're resolving them then great but the only thing that changed since the row with your husband is that you've adjusted your work schedule from Friday to Saturday - so being out of the way whilst your husband (may or may not) take your daughter out. What is actually going to change in terms of him being free to take her when he wants to (within reason)? Because it sounds as if that is what he wants to do and - the row was today or last night - so what has changed?

Obviously, you're not obliged to answer any questions that you don't want to but please don't think that posters aren't being supportive of you just because the points made hit a tender spot. Many of us have been where you are - and sometimes the 'pat pat, there there' posts read like 'white noise', or they do to me anyway.

I really wish you well but I think that your husband's viewpoint and an honest conversation on the way forward for you both is going to give you a better idea of where the problems are than any poster can do here.

Oh believe me, I am not 'a cool wife' in the slightest!

I just think there is a place for the child to spend time with her dad (breakfast is going to be what? An hour?) and then for them to spend time together as a family.

But then, my exh and the children did stuff as a family, but we also spent time with the children separately too. I go away for the weekend with my children separately too because they have different interests. As has their dad. We are still a good and strong co-parenting unit and we've talked about this and the positives of being able to spend quality 1:1 time with each of the children. You get to know them differently outside of the 'family unit'. You're not joined at the hip.

I don't see that as being 'cool', I see it as being normal.

Whatever you, Slender, the OP or I think or say, the dad does have a voice in this too. Maybe if there is some dysfunction in the relationship, then ensuring that everyone's needs are met, especially in light of such a difficult year, should be the priority. And that includes the husband's.

After all, whatever lies behind it, if this has been going on for 4 years, and has only recently come to a head when he has made it clear he'd like to spend some time with his daughter on his own, then he's hardly a total ogre.

Whatever the state of the OP's marriage (and that does need resolving), the dad and the child should be able to spend time together alone.

No worries OP.

Was the issue really (as cool wives are suggesting) that your DH wants to feel as if he as the right to take his DD out at the drop of a hat in the middle of family time or announce, 'I'm planning to take DD out to x on afternoon'? regardless of what you are doing or the implications for family time? If so, this would be about who has equal 'rights' to your DD and the Saturday breakfast would be somehow symbolic of bigger things.

Or is it more that your DP would simply like the assurance that there are always going to be some slots of time that he can know are one on one with his DD and that these will be acknowledged as important and won't cause family tensions or leave you feeling very hurt and him very guilty and frustrated?

The second is a lot more reasonable and realistic than the first. In RL I don't think you have to have 'a problem' to be a bit taken aback by the first scenario.

I think it's lovely that he takes his relationship with his DD so seriously - she will know how to recognise when a man is treating her right in the future. Also lovely that you want to facilitate this despite taking a hit.

some mutually agreed slots of time

Slender Can I just clarify something?

Do you really think it's only 'cool wives' who don't have a problem with the children going out with their dads and them not doing? Really?

I don't know any families where the parents don't spend time on their own with the children. I literally can't think of one.

Except mine, my dad didn't because he saw child rearing as women's work. But that was a while ago now...

But Potatooo the point is he doesn't get a choice.

Potatoooo my DH is the SAHP and I work. Time I spend alone with DD is precious, particularly on a day out, as I can focus specifically on her. On family trips I will be talking with her dad, able to delegate responsibility to him, etc., so it's not the same. Today I took her for her first proper hair cut and we had lunch and a brief shopping trip. Tomorrow we will have a family day out. There's room for both at the weekend.

No shoopy that's not an accurate representation of my views. Not that it helps the op any! Let's not derail.

Well I don't think it's helpful calling everyone who is telling/reassuring her that her daughter spending time with her dad is normal 'cool wives' either.

Because that has very negative connotations and suggests that it isn't 'normal' or acceptable at all. When it is.

I really don't understand why your DH doesn't like to spend time with all of you, and only wants alone time with his daughter.

Really? You think it's odd for a parent to have occasional time alone with his kids? He sounds the rest of the weekend with both of them.

All this 'cool wives' shit makes me laugh. Might as well be 'I'll insult anyone who doesn't agree and hope that shuts them up'

There are women on here desperate for their partners or ex-partners to spend time with their children but having a partner who actually wants to spend time with their child makes you a cool wife. It's fucking ridiculous on here sometimes.

Oh fuck off with all that "cool wives" patronising stuff.

My DH actually does take one or other of the kids off at the drop of a hat (GASP!) at the weekend. Literally "I'm going to take DS to the playground this morning".

Our family does not fall apart as a result. If it is going to disrupt the weekend that much? Then perhaps somebody in the house is being too rigid. I literally cannot conceive of an example where an hour in the playground would push every other plan off the table.