Daddy daughter time

[Tryingtostayyoung]

Hi all. So me and DH have been arguing quite a lot recently abit a few different things so apologies for my continuous threads. There now seems to be another thing to now add to the list.
DH is angry with me because he feels like I never give him time to go out or spend at home on his own with DD on a regular basis. I go out with my friends probably once/twice a month but I don't go out till around 7 and then DD goes to bed at 7:30. I haven't sort of done it on purpose but I will admit that in the past if DH has said maybe I'll take DD out for breakfast or something like that I've said I want to come. He's just gotten really upset with me, practically in tears, he just wants to have a good relationship with her and be the dad that he never had. I now feel quite stupidly and pathetically unwanted as I don't really see DH in the week at all apart from maybe an hour in the evenings and family time the three of us feels precious.
He made me not feel that sorry for him when he then became angry and said, "if I could go back 4years I think I would have insisted on being a SAHD and let you stay in your job and treat you exactly how you have me just so you could really understand how I feel". Have I really been that unreasonable? I said to him that if he loved me he wouldn't say something like that bevause I would never wish for him to be upset like that and he said if you really loved me then you would realise what I give up so you can be at home and would have said to me on more than two occasions in 4years, "take DD out and have some time alone together"

jelly I read it as the dad not wanting to upset his wife by saying 'No you stay at home,' especially as she is the primary carer - but then finding it very frustrating and distressing that he didn't get any time with his DD. Surely it would take a bit of a git to say, 'Never mind that we haven't seen each other all week and spent time together as a family, you're not allowed to come with us.' Unless he has her blessing, he can't really find a nice way to go. Can he?

Sorry, I find the OP totally bizarre! You rarely have time to spend together as a family, and he was practically crying and calling you a meanie because he wanted to take his DD out to breakfast without you?! She's not a toy you both get equal time with, you're a family unit. Go ahead and let him take her out every now and then, but honestly it sounds like it's the tip of the iceberg...

My mum always made a big effort for me to have quality time every wk with my dad, because she thought he often felt left out as i was very close to my sahm and dad had to work long hours.

He took me bike riding every Sunday morning, stopping off for pancakes at the local cafe.

Mum was always my default go to parent from a young age and this let dad feel more part of things.

Is tough being the working parent as often the kids want sahp to do everything

It doesn't make you an abuser to want to spend some alone time with your kid without their other parent making a fuss about it.

OP I understand that if you're on your own with a kid all week doing the grunt work and missing your partner it feels a bit crap to miss out on a treat like shared breakfast. But I agree with other posters. His requests are reasonable and you need to find a way to enjoy that alone time and do something for yourself.

I agree all. If the primary carer is there, children turn to them and the other doesn't get a look in. Or else the other parent is a super star and the primary carer is the nanny. One way or the other, there is some value in having a one-to-one dynamic occasionally and letting a little girl know that her father wants to get to know her specifically, as well as having 'family time' during which she has to 'share' him.

I take my 6 month old dd out on a Saturday for a couple of hours without my fiancée as I only get to send time with her for 2 and half maybe 3 hours during the week as I work. When dd goes to bed I spend the rest of the evening with fiancée.

I love having daddy daughter time with dd as I get to bond with her and it gives mum a bit of time to herself to relax or do her own thing. We still have family time at the weekend where we might go for a walk or chill out and watch a film.

I think it's because of a few reasons tbh and I get what people are saying that I should find something nice to do for myself and I think this is what I will do long term. I may even see if if every other week I can swap one of my weekdays at work for the Saturday (I'd be gone 3hours). I didn't mean for it to get this way I thought that he was just being a bit dramatic, I'm seeing it differently now though. I think it also has something to do with the fact that we always seem to hype up the weekend in this house and we always have since she was little so now when she knows it's Saturday tomorrow she is so excited because she knows we're all home together and I think I felt like I didn't want to miss out on that. I realise I may have been selfish now but it wasn't my intent.

As a PP said, yes this is a problem at the moment amongst others. Just like every marriage we have good and bad times, there's been a lot of stress the last couple months; miscarriage, money strain due to some unexpected finances and I think I've made a few mistakes recently that wouldn't normally be a big deal but because of the other pressure we are under they have turned into issues. If I'm being honest, at the moment I don't feel like I'm getting the love and affection from him which is probably making me feel insecure. It's all abit of a mess.

That all sounds rough for you, for him and for the relationship. I think if you can let him know that you've heard him in this and actively encourage them to go out this weekend it might be a good first step towards getting back on the same team. Then maybe plan something special for you and him as well. Family time is wonderful but the individual relationships in your little unit all need attention too.

In fact he didn't want me to breast feed so he could take her away on his own from very young, do night feeds etc.

He sounds like a control freak.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch. You sound absolutely lovely

I must say thank you for the overall support from you all.

We have just spoken about it again because we've both had some time to just think for a bit. I'm going to do what I said earlier and arrange with my work to go in every other Saturday morning instead of Fridays so that I can go see my mum for a few hours whilst DD is in nursery. I've also decided to tell my work that part time means part time and im not bringing work home anymore and that will give us more time together.

Sorry posted to soon...
I think we're also going to start every so often going out together to the cinema or something as we don't do that often, we only tend to get a babysitter if we actually have something to go to, not because we just want to go out together.

I just need to find away to push these feelings back because they are ridiculous. I told DH that I can't help that it just makes me feel left out but I'm not saying he shouldn't do it and he said that's why he's let it go on for so long and that just makes me feel awful, I think my own dad would actually be really upset with me as we have such an amazing bond.

Do lots of you feel like that but just ignore it? Or do you you genuinely not think about it like that?

I probably would with one dc. I have 3 so my Saturday lay in and chance to have coffee in peace is bliss!
Maybe talk to dd about what she and daddy did so part of her time with daddy is to then come home and have quality time chatting to you about it? Think of it as time to be you - learning to enjoy your own company takes getting used to but is quite empowering.

I just need to find away to push these feelings back because they are ridiculous. I told DH that I can't help that it just makes me feel left out

Well you can 'help it'.....get some counselling/therapy for your insecurity issues.
Bottling those feelings in won't help either of you.

And you might want to discuss the 'logistics' of future 1-on-1 time if you're planning on having more dc.

I feel a lot of this may be down to having only one child to be honest.

I think it's quite important to own your feelings, and when you are over reacting reflect on why that might be. Usually it's about more than the immediate situation. Sometimes you need to accept you are being a bit silly, but it can also be important to validate that you are hurting for a good reason.

Most important when you have small children and stress is to talk to each other before things build up into a big deal. It's all too easy not to.

Sounds like you and your dh have had a good chat. Now you have to follow through on both sides, some time for dd and her dad to have fun together, and some time for you and dh to reconnect.

My dd still talks about daddy daughter days (dh was a part time SAHD when she was quite small) with great pleasure and it's ten years later :)

slenderisthenight I hadn't thought about it like that but I think you could be right. We've been trying for a a baby for a year in January with only a miscarriage to show for it and I think it's really taken a toll on me. I think that if they go off and I'm then on my own it just highlights even more that I'm still without a baby. Admittedly the problem has clearly been there before this though so is only part of I but I know I have a trigger for feeling left out.

Clearly a really stressful year has taken its toll. On both of you.

I think you and probably your dh need some therapy.

Long story but I did know much dad until I was 11. I am now have a really good relationship with both my parents. I love spending time with them together but also apart. I get a lot out of my relationship with both my parents. I adored both of them.

I mean this kindly. If you did have another baby, surely that baby would be both of yours. He would be taking that child for breakfast too. You have both lost something. The way to be able to move forward isn't claiming the child you have for your own. I am so sorry about your loss.

As an aside it amazes me that, on mm, usually people are calling men pathetic for not ever having their kids on their own. But abusive if they do. Can't win.

Scooby20 yes your right that baby would also be both of ours but I would imagine he would want to do something just him and that baby too so we would both use that as some quality time with the opposite dc iyswim? Or maybe not. Maybe he would also want to take another DC. Who knows.

I do despair of mumsnet at times and can really see why the MRAs have such fun with it.

I read countless threads where the dad (R or NR) doesn't want to spend time with the children and sees it as the mum's job. People start calling him a manchild, linking to the Wifework book and one of the Abuser Profiles.

And here we have another man who is frustrated because he does want to spend time with his child, but has a weirdly controlling wife who won't let him and plays the "but I want to come to or I'll feel left out" card whenever he wants to spend time with his own child on his own. And not for days on end, and not to the detriment of her relationship with their daughter, just so that he can develop one and when he finally cracks, is close to tears about it, he is still the one in he wrong and a different abuser profile gets linked to!!!

Seriously, I read his comment about going back 4 years and swapping places read to be the comment of a very frustrated person who has reached the point where he cannot think of any other way of getting the OP to see things from his perspective. It doesn't mean he wishes she would suffer like him, only that he wishes she could step out of her tiny selfish perspective and see that he is suffering because of her cloying omnipresence in his relationship with his daughter.

She cries and it's indicative of his abusive ways, he cries and it's indicative of his abusive ways.

You literally couldn't make it up.

I think I'm reading the situation differently.
I dont understand why he cant just say 'I'm taking DD out for breakfast' and do it, instead of ending up arguing and crying. And saying he wishes he could treat you as badly as you have treated him so you can see what it feels like.

He has said that because when he says he is taking the daughter out for breakfast, the OP won't let him. She asks to go to and makes him feel bad for it and insists on being part of everything.

If she had posted on here that she asked him not to and he ignored her and took the daughter anyway, you'd have just been able to link to a different abuser profile.

but I would imagine he would want to do something just him and that baby too so we would both use that as some quality time with the opposite dc iyswim?

I really think you need to look at why you dint want to be on your own. My point was that you could have another baby and still find yourself feeling left out. Because he may want to spend time with both together

You get time with your child alone. It seems odd to say you would be OK with him spending time alone with your child, only if there was another child left behind.

OP genuinely, if DH offers to take the DC out on his own, I think great and put the kettle on.

I love it when my DH takes the kids out!! Last year he went away on holiday with his brother and his daughter for a whole 7 nights. It was amazing, I lazed around, read books, sorted out the entire house, visited a spa, met friends etc. We all enjoyed our respective weeks so much we are doing it again this year!