Daddy daughter time

[Tryingtostayyoung]

Hi all. So me and DH have been arguing quite a lot recently abit a few different things so apologies for my continuous threads. There now seems to be another thing to now add to the list.
DH is angry with me because he feels like I never give him time to go out or spend at home on his own with DD on a regular basis. I go out with my friends probably once/twice a month but I don't go out till around 7 and then DD goes to bed at 7:30. I haven't sort of done it on purpose but I will admit that in the past if DH has said maybe I'll take DD out for breakfast or something like that I've said I want to come. He's just gotten really upset with me, practically in tears, he just wants to have a good relationship with her and be the dad that he never had. I now feel quite stupidly and pathetically unwanted as I don't really see DH in the week at all apart from maybe an hour in the evenings and family time the three of us feels precious.
He made me not feel that sorry for him when he then became angry and said, "if I could go back 4years I think I would have insisted on being a SAHD and let you stay in your job and treat you exactly how you have me just so you could really understand how I feel". Have I really been that unreasonable? I said to him that if he loved me he wouldn't say something like that bevause I would never wish for him to be upset like that and he said if you really loved me then you would realise what I give up so you can be at home and would have said to me on more than two occasions in 4years, "take DD out and have some time alone together"

The day he takes dd put for breakfast have a lie in, then in the evening you and dh have adult together time?
I think it sounds fab he should do it every week, with you joining once a month?

Let him take her out. YABU.

sorry I saw your update after I'd posted. tbh if DH is home average of 7.30 each night, and dd is going to/already in bed then you have a good 2/3 hours just the two of you every night, even if you WFH a few nights thats still 4 out of 7 nights you can watch a film together or whatever you want to do, plus the weekend to spend all together, so I still think having two/three hours every weekend for him and dd together shouldn't be an issue at all.

You could spend those 3 hours WFH so would free up another evening for you and DH to spend time together.

You say you get up early so I'm assuming about 6 if you go to bed at 10. Do you need to get up that early or can you adjust an hour or so your sleeping schedule is similar to his? Then you'll have three-four hours together every evening.

Has he really not had her on his own at the weekends, e.g. if you go shopping? I must say when my children were that age I jumped at the chance of either going out shopping etc on my own or having some "me time" whilst DH took them out. I would have done so even more if I had been a SAHM as I would probably have been stir-crazy after a week of my DC's undiluted company.

Deadsouls seeing what you have written has definitely hit a nerve.

If your DD is 4, is she not using her 3 hours a day nursery provision? I know it's not long, but couldn't you work then instead of the evening? Then you will have your evenings back. I think your DH sounds like he really feels like hes missed out on her, especially as she is your only child and she's soon to be at school ( presumably). It must feel like hes just working all the time and missing out on his daughter I don't know why it's ok for women to say that want to work less to spend time with their children and not men?

family time the three of us feels precious.

It is precious, but so is one on one. A friend of mine once told me that as a child, her and her siblings favourite reward for good behaviour was going camping on their own with their dad.

The man is virtually begging you for this and you are denying him, perhaps you need to try and find other ways to spend more time together.

When DD is at nursery for her 3hours I go to work so the only time I have is the evenings and I can't do it on the weekend as I have to use my work laptop which I am not allowed to keep at home on the weekend.
I haven't done it intentionally I think I just have some stuff to work through. I have a fear of feeling left out as a pp said but I know it's interly pathetic and don't expect sympathy as is completely ridiculous and unreasonable

Yabu

Dh has 1:1 time with dd every weekend, even if it's just while I go up for a lie-down / bath / read. It's great for them to have time alone together, just as I do with dd. We also spend time together as a three. It's all about balance.

He does spend time alone with her at home whilst I am there, I'm quite frequently upstairs doing things on the weekend and they will play and do puzzles etc so I thought that was enough but clearly I'm wrong and it doesn't count

OK so you're not a SAHM, you do quite a few hours by the sounds of it!

What about making it a positive 1-1 thing once a month where he takes her out for breakfast or something. If you make it a special thing, maybe your negative feelings will be reduced. Fake it til you make it. Also, do something else in the meantime, like an exercise class or go for a run or swim.

Assuming DD is not up BT 7:30, what you have described adds up to him seeing her awake for only two hours total over the 5 days of the working week.

No wonder he feels marginalised.

Get a babysitter one evening a week (after DD is in bed) and have time as a couple.

And for heaven's sake, stop preventing him having one-on-one time with his DD.

I loved one to one time with df, and would go out of my way to have it. My siblings didn't and I have a totally different relationship with him.

Trying - 'feeling left out' is my great big trigger too and leaves me feeling hurt and rejected even if it's not rational

But trying, much as I empathise with your insecurities from previous happenings, you must try not to let this affect the way you parent. It sounds wonderful to me that your DH craves time with his DD and that does not mean he enjoys spending time with you any less.
DD will be a little girl for a short time whereas you and DH will hopefully be together for a lot longer period.

No it doesn't really count if you're hovering in the house, coming and going through the room.

It has to be in a little special one on one bubble. That's the whole point. And it's so important for bonding.

Your DD has to have separate relationships with each of you. She needs time away from you to develop it with him.

Do you feel like your contribution to the family will be diminished by allowing your DH some time with your DD? Put your feet up, go shopping or to a cinema, for a long walk and enjoy your me time.

Trying, your first post made me feel quite angry for your daughter and for your husband. You're taking to take and keep control of who does what in your nuclear family and it's very unfair. I realise that it's coming from some place of feelings of neglect and being left out on you part so I won't harp on about it but you need to stop this. You are not the uber parent. Your husband is an equal parent and he wants to spend this time with his daughter - let him. It's not for you to decide that he shouldn't or that this time needs to be inclusive of you as well.

I mean this kindly now but since you understand the 'if you loved me' rhetoric then I'll say to you, if you love your daughter you will give her the best chance of an excellent relationship with her father because whilst marriages may come and go, a parent-child relationship needs to last forever and endure whatever happens between you and your husband.

You have time to fix this and respectfully, butt out, because what you're doing is causing resentment and that won't benefit you or your daughter.

Think of it like learning to drive a car. Driving on your own and driving with a passenger who knows how to drive better is different even though you are the one using the controls.

In order for him to become a confident parent, he needs total one on one time. You being in the house changes the dynamic even if you don't get involved. It's an extremely reasonable request from your husband and it's beneficial for everyone.

Please tell your husband what you've admitted here - that you've been selfish and unreasonable, and that it stops now. It's not just about depriving him, it's depriving your daughter. Time alone with a loving parent is wonderful. The fact your husband never had that with his father, and has been prevented for 4 years from making sure his daughter does with him, is heart-breaking.

Does your husband know what might lie behind your feelings here? I suspect he does and has tried to be understanding. My husband would never think it was down to my decision to 'let' him spend time alone with his own children!

If I were you, I would ask DH if he wanted to, for example, take DD to swimming or ballet lessons every Saturday. Doesn't really matter what, but he could see then a term's worth of time together. Or ask him to take her to a birthday party. Just little things, really, and you can get on with something that you want to do.

OP I would let your dh spend time alone with your daughter and create happy memories. I have 4 girls and they love having one to one outings with their dad. It is a very special time for them and now they are older they confide in him just as much as they do me.

I don't think you've been that selfish at all. All you wanted was to enjoy a precious bit of time together as a family and because there are only three of you at the moment, two people having special time together does mean that one is left out. We had this dynamic for a while and found that tensions developed more easily because of it. It was very difficult.

For some reason your DP thinks it's special to have his DD on his own Outside. Who knows why! You couldn't be blamed for not getting it because many men wouldn't think of doing this. But it is lovely that he wants to and is no reflection on his feelings for you.

The only way this will come between you is if you keep resisting it and he comes to resent you for it. But you're not going to do that.

I would talk to him and explain how it makes you feel but that you plan to do x and y. Once he's calmed down and knows you're going to support these outings going forward, I would imagine that he will want to reassure you about feeling left out.

Yes he does know that I feel "left out" which is why I think he's let's it go for so long. We have been arguing about quite a lot of things since we had a miscarriage a few months ago because I just think we're going through a patch at the moment.
It's pathetic though I know I just have a big fear of being left out and is a trigger for me.

Yabu

As others have said please tell your DH this.

Allow him to have time with DD and do something in the week just you and DH.

My DH has time alone with our children and they are so close and have a great bond.