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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daddy daughter time

212 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 25/11/2016 18:49

Hi all. So me and DH have been arguing quite a lot recently abit a few different things so apologies for my continuous threads. There now seems to be another thing to now add to the list.
DH is angry with me because he feels like I never give him time to go out or spend at home on his own with DD on a regular basis. I go out with my friends probably once/twice a month but I don't go out till around 7 and then DD goes to bed at 7:30. I haven't sort of done it on purpose but I will admit that in the past if DH has said maybe I'll take DD out for breakfast or something like that I've said I want to come. He's just gotten really upset with me, practically in tears, he just wants to have a good relationship with her and be the dad that he never had. I now feel quite stupidly and pathetically unwanted as I don't really see DH in the week at all apart from maybe an hour in the evenings and family time the three of us feels precious.
He made me not feel that sorry for him when he then became angry and said, "if I could go back 4years I think I would have insisted on being a SAHD and let you stay in your job and treat you exactly how you have me just so you could really understand how I feel". Have I really been that unreasonable? I said to him that if he loved me he wouldn't say something like that bevause I would never wish for him to be upset like that and he said if you really loved me then you would realise what I give up so you can be at home and would have said to me on more than two occasions in 4years, "take DD out and have some time alone together"

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 25/11/2016 20:10

slenderisthenight Your post is exactly how I feel

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 25/11/2016 20:11

What about every other weekend he gets a Saturday am breakfast with dd? Only needs to be max of 2 hours then in the afternoon you can do something as a family.

slenderisthenight · 25/11/2016 20:12

I would also add - just be careful that you don't allow your feelings of being left out to create at atmosphere in the home. Although I didn't realise it as a child, my mum was sometimes unintentionally frosty and slightly passive aggressive if my dad and I were getting on well. It caused me to back off and avoid situations that would cause the tension - so quite a devastating thing to do to your partner and can happen so easily.

Ohyesiam · 25/11/2016 20:13

0p, your feelings are not ridiculous or unreasonable, from what you saythey are the result of a hurt that you can heal. Could you find a councillor explore this with? I had lots of these' left over' feelings from my upbringing, which made me difficult around things I wanted to find easy. Therapy has really helped.
Good luck with this.
Your Dd sounds like she has a lot of love in her life.

MrsJayy · 25/11/2016 20:14

My daughters are grown women and they always spent time doing stuff with their dad without me it fosters a good relationship especially in the nutty teen years where they might not want to spend time with any parent, let them find a thing they like to do together

BearsDontDigOnDancing · 25/11/2016 20:15

I can see where he is coming from. I have 2 dc, a boy and a girl, and me and DH both work, so a lot of evening and weekend time is made up of just catching up and housework, getting kids to do homework etc.....just normal life stuff.

While we do spend time as a family, and go out places together often, about once every 6 weeks or so we like to arrange 1 on 1 time with one of us and one of the kids. So one time I will go somewhere with DS and DH will go out with DD, then the next time we swap and I have DD and he has DS. The kids adore it and we love it too, something about just being one on one, maybe just spending a couple of hours on a walk and then for a cake somewhere feels special and like we can really concentrate on one child and give them complete attention. The kids really blossom too, whilst they are very close with each other, they look forward to one on one time.

Dh works from home, so he probably actually spends more time with them, and certainly takes them to school more than i do, but then he also travels every now and then with work, nothing me and the kids like more than having movie and duvet night on the sofa when he is away, it is our thing.

Introvertedbuthappy · 25/11/2016 20:16

My mother was like you OP. Got passive aggressive when I tried spending one on one with my Dad, constantly came on trips we had planned together despite often complaining about HOW MUCH she had to do as a SAHM. Even now if I call and Dad answers she insists on talking to me afterwards, yet if she answers and I ask after Dad she will insist he's 'busy'. Now he's retired I deliberately call when she's not around. My experiences with her doing this have really fucked me up. Please let your DD and DH have time together.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/11/2016 20:17

Why does OP have the right to set the daddy/daughter time? I'm sure she'd be incensed if her husband did this, ie. stipulating the times that she could spend with her daughter on their own.

Husband and OP should work out together the time that they will spend as a family - and the time other than that is up for grabs, surely?

OP... from your much later post where you've posted about your miscarriage, perhaps you feel that your husband isn't feeling the loss as keenly as you and therefore isn't giving you the time and attention that you need? If so, you need to talk to him honestly about this and work out how you will also fit in time as a couple so that you don't feel so left out when he's with just your daughter perhaps? I'm sorry for your loss.

BertrandRussell · 25/11/2016 20:18

My dp and dd used to sneak out early on a Saturday and go swimming and to breakfast. I have such happy memories of pretending to be asleep and hearing dd's stage whispered ""shushes" as she clumped down the stairs.......

hatsandbagsandshoes · 25/11/2016 20:19

To be fair, my DH sometimes says he wants to take DD out for breakfast, and I always want to go with them as I don't get to do things like that very often. However, he takes her out at other times to the cinema, which I don't particularly enjoy, so I am more than happy to stay at home, go shopping etc. I understand the feeling of being left out, and I often feel quite lost not having any DC with me, but over time I have learned to enjoy it. Make sure you let them have time together, and spend the time yourself doing something you enjoy, not just sitting at home waiting for them.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 25/11/2016 20:22

It's not about allowing it, he is an equal parent and has as much right to take her out alone as you do. Why do you get to control it?

Bertucci · 25/11/2016 20:29

We have always had a custom where dh took the dcs out for breakfast on a Saturday morning. And when they were small he used to take them swimming every Saturday afternoon too. They're teenagers now and one's at uni, but he still does the breakfast thing with the younger one.

If I am honest - I was always so grateful for this time alone, especially as it meant I got to languish in bed every Saturday morning.

But it has been a hugely important thing for all of them and my 18 year old is already so nostalgic about their Saturday trips into town.

Really importnant for dads to get alone time with the children.

Believeitornot · 25/11/2016 20:29

What is it you worry about exactly in terms of being left out?

talulahbelle · 25/11/2016 20:33

My DH takes DD to her activity class on a Saturday morning, then out for coffee and cake and a wander round town. Sometimes I'll meet them just for the cafe bit, but I know they love spending that time together. Not only does it give me a break but it's great for their relationship too.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 25/11/2016 20:37

YABU. My DH takes DD out every Saturday morning. Usually swimming and they sometimes stop at a cafe on the way home. That is their special time. I stay at home and have a quiet house for a few hours. We still have Saturday afternoon and all day Sunday together. An hour here or there when it suits you isn't enough - he clearly needs a set time of the week to look forward to.

kali110 · 25/11/2016 20:43

Op it's not pathetic, but you do need to let them have time together on their own.
I loved having days out just my father and I.

statetrooperstacey · 25/11/2016 20:44

My DH has been taking our dd away on his own since she was 3 weeks old. She is now 5.
They are really close, he takes her away to visit his family about once ever5 weeks or so. Also camping just the 2 of them, and next week a weekend away to a Santa experience.
Also regular cinema trips and breakfast and lunch out. He tried to fit in as much as he could before she started school.
In fact he didn't want me to breast feed so he could take her away on his own from very young, do night feeds etc.
let them have this time together with your blessing it will be wonderful for them both.

Bertucci · 25/11/2016 20:44

My dh used to worry he looked like 'divorced dad' out with kids on a Saturday morning!

Petronius16 · 25/11/2016 20:44

Oh OP, I feel so sorry for you, but please let DD have time with her Dad. Years down the line you'll be grateful.

eddielizzard · 25/11/2016 20:47

i used to help my dad do the food shopping every saturday morning and i think back to those times now he's gone. they are precious, and they didn't impact on my relationship with my mum. so i think if you can find it in you to let him do it without resentment, that's a good thing.

but as far as your hurt, i can understand that. can you think about it in a way that means you get time to do things just for you: read a book in bed or have a bath, or do the gardening, a treat time, rather than feeling left out? and then you could meet up with them later at the park and have family time? then the whole thing becomes positive, rather that this hurt and resentment.

part of building a strong family is having good individual relationships.

MiniCooperLover · 25/11/2016 20:56

OP, you mention they play when you are at home and you thought that was ok but I think what your DH wants to do is take her out and take care of her on his own, enjoy her as a little person who can hold a conversation, that kind of thing. DH takes DS to swimming on a Sunday but I take a step back in his care of a weekend so they get as much time together as possible. Try and see it as a good thing.

cdtaylornats · 25/11/2016 21:00

Last year my goddaughter bought her father a birthday dinner - he was petrified she would do it again. He had to pay for a train from Dumfries to Edinburgh and back, plus a night in a hotel. Basically he can't afford another free meal.

MariePoppins · 25/11/2016 21:00

Hmm I'm a bit torn at that.
Spending time together wo you does make a difference because it allows them to interact wo you and the interaction will be different.
On the other side, if you are not always jumping to interfere when they are doing something together, Im not sure why it has to be time together wo you.

I'm also interested aboout how emotional he is about it all. It seems to me that there are other issues at play there (which can be confirmed by arguments going on anyway, his childhood etc...).

As for yu feeling left out, it raises a question for me. Do you get the intimacy and the support and the closeness that you need form the relationship? You seem to be counting the hours you can spend together and the only time I have ever done that is when my relationship was on the rocks and DH was very distant.

Starlight2345 · 25/11/2016 21:03

Op...
It sounds like you have no lone time at all..Either looking after your DD or working..

Can you not plan this time and plan it to enjoy yourself.. Either a soak in the tub, go for a haircut, sit and read a mag..Tidy the house without someone messing it up ( not exactly fun but satisfying.)

I do wonder if you need some help..maybe some counselling would help.

I think it is good for DD to do somethings with dad and some as a family.

JellyBelli · 25/11/2016 21:09

I think I'm reading the situation differently.
I dont understand why he cant just say 'I'm taking DD out for breakfast' and do it, instead of ending up arguing and crying. And saying he wishes he could treat you as badly as you have treated him so you can see what it feels like.

Check out the Mr Sensitive profile, second down and see if any of it resonates.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles