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AIBU?

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Original poster

Daddy daughter time

212 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 25/11/2016 18:49

Hi all. So me and DH have been arguing quite a lot recently abit a few different things so apologies for my continuous threads. There now seems to be another thing to now add to the list.
DH is angry with me because he feels like I never give him time to go out or spend at home on his own with DD on a regular basis. I go out with my friends probably once/twice a month but I don't go out till around 7 and then DD goes to bed at 7:30. I haven't sort of done it on purpose but I will admit that in the past if DH has said maybe I'll take DD out for breakfast or something like that I've said I want to come. He's just gotten really upset with me, practically in tears, he just wants to have a good relationship with her and be the dad that he never had. I now feel quite stupidly and pathetically unwanted as I don't really see DH in the week at all apart from maybe an hour in the evenings and family time the three of us feels precious.
He made me not feel that sorry for him when he then became angry and said, "if I could go back 4years I think I would have insisted on being a SAHD and let you stay in your job and treat you exactly how you have me just so you could really understand how I feel". Have I really been that unreasonable? I said to him that if he loved me he wouldn't say something like that bevause I would never wish for him to be upset like that and he said if you really loved me then you would realise what I give up so you can be at home and would have said to me on more than two occasions in 4years, "take DD out and have some time alone together"

OP posts:
Merd · 26/11/2016 11:08

Look, I may be way off base here, but I think changing your shift pattern is a kind of dramatic gesture and doesn't fix the root issue. Maybe that's partly why he's still angry, even if he can't vocalise it.

Saying "you can have time together when I'm at work" is not tackling possessive behaviour, it's just sort of giving them more boundaries, if you see what I mean.

My best times with my dad were when mum was at work, because that was the only time we were allowed together. It didn't stop her unconscious snide remarks or the constant feeling of her controlling everything for the rest of the time; I also knew those times could come to an end, and they did. So - some things to avoid there perhaps.

I think you need to encourage them to have more free time together even when you're available - and please don't even call it "daddy daughter time", even in your head, it's a horrible phrase.

(Does me rambling on help at all, or is this just hurtful? Please let me know, happy to shut up and leave the thread, I know sometimes having people's experience is helpful, and sometimes it can get too much.)

angelofmylifetime · 26/11/2016 11:11

My most precious times from my childhood are of spending every Sunday morning going on a walk and breakfast with my dad. My mum liked that time at home too.

ShoopyShoopyDoopDoop · 26/11/2016 11:13

Even more basic than all of everything everyone has already said, your daughter has a right to a relationship with both of her parents equally.

You don't own her.

ShoopyShoopyDoopDoop · 26/11/2016 11:16

And I completely agree with the changing your shift thing. It still means that he isn't free to spend time with his daughter when he chooses, it will be at times sanctioned by you.

Which will make it even more difficult for him the rest of the time because you will be able to veto any father/daughter excursions etc by saying, "well you could have gone/go when I'm at work".

I would find living like that incredibly stifling. I'm not surprised it causes arguments. I can't believe you couldn't see it for yourself, tbh.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 26/11/2016 11:18

ShoopyShoopyDoopDoop I actually said he wouldn't leave me especially over something that I was willing to change and seriously appologetic over.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive whether or not they have said I was wrong. The people who told me I was wrong but tried to steer me in the right direction you have helped me, more than you know. Flowers

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 26/11/2016 11:24

I show him no compassion for what he feels he has missed out on in my actions.

Does he want you to beat yourself with birch twigs? He sounds very emotionally volatile and like he is focusing on this current issue as it's one that's hitting the mark with you and letting him treat you badly - which is something he actually vocalized that he wants to do!

Let Saturday morning be Daddy and daughter time, even if it means he sees less of you (unfortunately that may currently be part of the appeal). Get some croissants, etc in for yourself and enjoy the quiet. After a couple of months he should be much brighter if that was what was upsetting him. If on the other hand he still keeps bringing up "the past four years" or finding new ways to berate you, you know you have bigger problems to contend with.

Blistory · 26/11/2016 11:34

You need to deal with your anxieties and he needs to grow up. Is it really the case that your husband has bitten his tongue and been so self sacrificing for four years or is it more likely that your daughter is now easier and more fun to be with. Why does he think it's down to you to 'let' him have her ? Is it because he sees it as your job but you're not giving him the good bits ?

And all these posts by others talking about those precious daddy times I suspect will only reinforce your sense that you're missing out and being isolated and that they will have all these lovely memories that don't include you. You both need to find a way to parent together instead of point scoring off your daughter.

ShoopyShoopyDoopDoop · 26/11/2016 11:35

Does he want you to beat yourself with birch twigs?

No.

He wants to spend time with his daughter without the OP tagging along to everything they do.

He probably wants her to stop emotionally manipulating him with all the, "if you loved me..." crap.

He probably just wants to be a dad.

He doesn't sound emotionally volatile at all. It sounds like things have, inevitably, come to a head and need dealing with.

And it's appalling to suggest that he only wants to spend time with his daughter so that he doesn't have to spend time with the OP!

I've been quite direct on this thread, but that is appalling. He is just a dad who wants to spend some time with his child once a week and be the dad that he never had, because he doesn't want to be that dad himself. Is that really such a bad thing?

Soubriquet · 26/11/2016 11:38

Some people are really going out of their way to paint the man as the bad guy.

Dad doesn't want spend time with their children. Bad man

Dad does want to spend time without his wife. Bad man

Men can't win sometimes.

ShoopyShoopyDoopDoop · 26/11/2016 11:39

they will have all these lovely memories that don't include you

What's going to happen when the child starts school and gets invited to people's houses and school trips? What about when she starts cubs and goes on camp?

Her whole life will be making memories that don't include her mother. That's one of the joys of parenting; seeing the bonds and relationships that your child is building with the other people around them. Having adventures and developing a whole life.

OP, you need to start seeing some of this as a positive, or it really could drive him away. The brutal, and bottom line, truth is that if you and he were separated, he would have a lot of guaranteed father and daughter time with her and you would have no say in any of it. I'm aware that seems like scaremongering a bit, but that is where it could end up.

gamerchick · 26/11/2016 11:41

Why does it have to wait until you're at work? Just send them off out for the day... Today. Enjoy the peace of the house to yourself.

dingalong · 26/11/2016 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 26/11/2016 11:48

I agree with the pp, you're still trying to control the situation by only letting him have time on his own with her when you're at work. You don't have to change your shift patterns so your DH and DD can have time together. Are you not able to spend time by yourself? As your DD grows up she will be doing lots of things without either of you.

Cuttingthecheese · 26/11/2016 11:56

Gosh you sound just like my mum. Jealous of the time I spent with my Ddad. She never stopped it but behaved in such a spoilt brat way that sometimes we cancelled. What on earth do you think your being 'left out' of?

llangennith · 26/11/2016 11:58

My mum never let my sister and I have time alone with our lovely gentle dad, we always had to do things 'as a family'. When our dad died at 73 DSIS and I grieved for a relationship we'd never had. We still resented our mother for her possessiveness till the day she died.

ElspethFlashman · 26/11/2016 12:06

Am I the only one thoroughly confused as to why the shift has to change from Friday to Saturday?

What difference does a change in your schedule make to his spending alone time with DS? Confused

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 26/11/2016 12:06

It's still all on your terms.

ShoopyShoopyDoopDoop · 26/11/2016 12:08

Elspeth the OP is suggesting that the dad spends time with the daughter when she is at work so that she doesn't feel 'left out' because she'll be at work anyway. She will allow him to spend time alone with their daughter as long as she isn't missing out.

It's mummy sanctioned daddy and daughter time Hmm

ElspethFlashman · 26/11/2016 12:13

But that's....... irrational.

And it'd be every only other Saturday?

So does that mean the suggestion is he's allowed alone time with his DD every other Saturday for 3 hrs whilst Mummy is at work?
Am I missing something??

Soubriquet · 26/11/2016 12:13

I do think you need some councilling for your anxiety OP

It's not a normal reaction.

My children adore their daddy but wouldn't willingly go with him if I was around. By taking them on his own, he gets that bonding time without feeling like mummy needs to give permission.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 26/11/2016 12:14

And the OP wonders why her DH is still pissed off....

ShoopyShoopyDoopDoop · 26/11/2016 12:23

No, Elspeth, you're not missing anything.

That's why the OP's husband is still pissed off this morning.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/11/2016 12:43

If I were your husband OP, I would despair - and I would just tell you that I'm taking our daughter out now. I wouldn't be seeking 'permission' from you to do that - nor would I 'slot in' to your prescriptive scheduling.

I think perhaps you need to get advice from a professional because again, you are doing things to suit you and your needs and completely disregarding your husband and daughter in the process. If you have to pay for the advice then maybe that would focus your attention.

As Shoopy said, you can hope that your husband doesn't leave you but you can't make him stay with you. I wouldn't stay with you if you carried on behaving as Parent-In-Charge all the time - because you are NOT.

I don't think it's sinking in, I think you are still making unilateral decisions and these are going to bite you on the arse.

MiniCooperLover · 26/11/2016 12:57

OP do you realise by changing your shifts you feel like your saying 'ok here's some more time you can spend together' when actually what your saying is 'ok I've decided this is the extra time you will spend together' which is completely at odds with what your husband has been saying to you. Plus who are you to decide when they get extra time? Your child has two parents with equal rights.

slenderisthenight · 26/11/2016 13:33

If I were your husband OP, I would despair

If I was the OP's husband, I would be touched that she had rearranged her week to enable regular blocks of time when she steps back from being the primary carer. It says she understands what he wants and she cares about it. She has taken steps to keep herself busy at his preferred time to see his DD alone (take her out for breakfast). That's the result of listening, caring and making changes.

Well done, OP.