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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed when asked to help out at a party that my kids aren't invited...

212 replies

Freakindeakin · 24/11/2016 22:30

So a friend is having a birthday party for her child and her child has chosen the friends they want to invite. This does not include my children which isn't a problem, even though they are close, my kids don't even know it's happening.

But now I've been asked to help out at the party last minute. I'm happy to help as we help each other out a lot, but it means changing our plans of going out for the day and my kids will probably find out about the party and they're too young to understand why they won't be able to go.

Aibu to be slightly annoyed and how can I tactfully let her know?? I don't want to hurt her feelings as she wouldn't do it intentionally but it will really hurt my child's feelings if they find out they weren't invited to the party.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/11/2016 00:46

You don't have to tactfully let her know. Just tell her how it is. And make no apologies. Shes chosen to host the party and allow her chikdren to lesve yours out . Did she give a shiny shit about that. The words bed lie in and made come to mind.
You're an absolutely walk over if you do give in. Absolutely there's nothing wrong with kindness and helping others, but. There is a lot wrong with allowing people to take you for granted.

Bettercallsaul1 · 25/11/2016 00:47

I'm another one wondering about the relative ages of the children. Are yours of an age where it would be normal to invite them? You say that they would be hurt to find out they weren't invited but is that because they are in the same class/age group or do they just like the sound of a (any!) party? If her child is, say, ten and yours are three and five, then they wouldn't be natural guests and it may not have occurred to your friend to invite them, either before or after suddenly being short of adults at the party.

If there is a big age gap, and you have no-one else to look after the children, then of course you have to make helping provisional on bringing them along. Your friend may have thought that your children could have stayed with their father that afternoon while you went to help for a couple of hours. However, if there is not a big age-gap, and you invite her child to your parties, then that is totally different and you would be quite right to refuse!

Trifleorbust · 25/11/2016 06:04

Heck, no. She's cheeky enough to ask for help without asking your children to join her kid's party? That is enough for a no from me. The fact you already have plans makes it plainly unreasonable for you to say yes to her, as you will be letting down your own kids.

ziggitypop · 25/11/2016 06:18

First response is "cheeky cow tell her to get lost" but then it occurred to me, this is a possible scenario:
She told her Dc they could choose their own party guests, kind of assuming they'd pick yours. They didn't, she's disappointed so asked you to "help" as a way of you and your dc still coming to the party. Could this be it op?
Have you responded yet? If not I'd reply saying you can help as long as Dc are with you as you can't arrange childcare for them.

ConvincingLiar · 25/11/2016 06:33

Don't be a doormat. Just say you'll be with your children.

mimishimmi · 25/11/2016 06:40

Just.say.no

Lessthanaballpark · 25/11/2016 06:44

I'm with zig. She probably assumes you're bringing DC anyway. Has she specified not to?

Whocansay · 25/11/2016 07:04

No-one's really this much of a doormat surely?
Say no! Your children are your priority, not her bloody party!

CaoNiMao · 25/11/2016 07:06

I grew up in a family where my needs were routinely ignored in favour of DM's friends, acquaintances, people she'd met once in the bakery. It's not a pleasant feeling. Don't do it, OP!

EllebellyBeeblebrox · 25/11/2016 07:07

Hell no tell her to jog on.

HardcoreLadyType · 25/11/2016 07:10

Have you already agreed to help?

If not, "I'm sorry, I can't, we are going to [insert activity] that day."

If yes, why? Surely, there will be parents of children who have been invited who will be able to be roped in to help on the day.

Basicbrown · 25/11/2016 07:15

Are you absolutely sure that the invitation didn't go missing somewhere?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 25/11/2016 07:16

Don't be daft!

ofudginghell · 25/11/2016 07:23

Would be a big fat no from me too.
I've a really long term friend with kids similar ages to mine and years ago she had a wild animal party at a local hall just up the road from my house.
None of my dc were invited but on the day she had the nerve to ask if she could use my drive to park so she could cart all the party stuff up and back. As it goes one of my dc were ill so was at home parked on drive.
I replied saying as such and that she didn't mention she was having a party there and she loosely invited my dc via txt.
My response was sorry but dc is poorly so we will leave them to it but have a lovely time.
Some people have no tact

MorrisZapp · 25/11/2016 07:23

Why of course this happened.

RebootYourEngine · 25/11/2016 07:25

Just say no you are busy

ValaMalDoran · 25/11/2016 07:27

Can't ever imagine not inviting the children of a friend who I was close enough to to ask for help!

This! I would tell her you have plans to take the kids out.

SlottedSpoon · 25/11/2016 07:32

That's cheeky and insensitive. You say your children are close, so it's a deliberate decision to not invite them for whatever reason, rather than just that it never crossed her mind. It's outrageous to expect you to give up your time to help in those circumstances.

Just say 'sorry but of course I can't help as my kids weren't invited so I have to be at home to look after them!'

AwaywiththePixies27 · 25/11/2016 07:37

No way would i help out. Do not help them out.

"sorry, I've made plans that day. As I didn't want DC to feel left out with her not being invited. Hope you find someone else to help you". . because i can be petty like that. Or "well I'd love to but unfortunately with DC not being invited i cant being them along so you'll have to find someone else to help". Wink

Is the party at a certain location OP or is it at home? When I've booked parties at certain places they've only allowed a maximum number of kids so I've had to forego some but explained to parents.

It's awful when they don't get invited. A close friend of my DDs once did this to her. I'd invited her to DDs party. DDs friends mum then started handing out invites to everyone else and didn't include DD. Thankfully she was too busy playing to notice at the time but it still stung a bit.

NoSunNoMoon · 25/11/2016 07:37

Just say no. It's rude.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 25/11/2016 07:38

you're an absolute walkover if you do give in

This! x 100 .

rollonthesummer · 25/11/2016 07:39

Unless your kids are 1 and 3, but hers are 8 and 9, this is just unkind.

Are you going to come back and tell us what you said?

TheDowagerCuntess · 25/11/2016 07:40

There has to be a missing piece to this story - no way would someone expect this!

Only1scoop · 25/11/2016 07:41

I agree must be some crossed wires somewhere

PlumsGalore · 25/11/2016 07:43

This may end up being a Gluezilla repeat all over again.