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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend time alone with friendly mother in law...

214 replies

lamii · 19/11/2016 13:09

My mother in law (to be exact, the mom of my long relationship boyfriend) would like to go to the theatre with me. I don't feel comfortable with that even if she is very friendly. She is not like a friend to me. I live abroad and I wish I could go to the theatre with my mum, not my mother in law...
AIBU?

OP posts:
LeavesinAutumn · 20/11/2016 12:05

Op I cant wade through all the posts.

I am the first one to defend Dils who have been treated badly by their MILS and I have a very good understanding of the issues in many dil/mil relations.

On this occasion I think your being a little petulant and un fair. You sound a little childish, I say this in a nice way.
My MIl relationship is beyond awful and one reason for this is because she would never ever do anything socially with us in the early days. She only wants to host in her house because that's where she is in control, can boss us around about her house, can play the martyr cooking and working etc. I would have loved it - if she had wanted to go out and get out in a different environment with me, have a shared memory with her, " oh remember when"
with my mil there are no memories to pull on at all. So the long and short of it is, I think your lucky, its a nice gesture, and perhaps you could try it once to see how it goes? Believe me, getting on with mil is far better than not. Sad

FairyDogMother11 · 20/11/2016 12:41

My DP and I have been together a similar amount of time as you and yours. I adore MIL and often pop round or invite her over when DP isn't about. She's now part of my family and it's important to him we get along, and we do. One day she'll be a grandmother to my children and quite frankly I'd rather be in a position where I'd gladly accept her help and support rather than pushing her away. It's the theatre, not afternoon tea or something where you'll have to talk constantly. There is absolutely no reason why you can't be friends as well!

Oblomov16 · 20/11/2016 12:45

This is very odd. How you can not see this is beyond me. Poor your mil. Poor you!!

brodchengretchen · 20/11/2016 12:57

Well, OP, looks like you disturbed a hornet's nest but don't be bullied is my advice. You're within your rights to make whatever decision you want about this as a grown up, which I have no doubt you are.

FrancisCrawford · 20/11/2016 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameUsed · 20/11/2016 13:20

"You're within your rights to make whatever decision you want about this as a grown up, which I have no doubt you are."

And live with the consequences. It's scenarios like this that cause friction between mothers in law and daughters in law. You need to see the bigger picture.

corythatwas · 20/11/2016 13:33

Do you usually struggle with social interactions, OP?

Because for most of us a night out at a theatre would hardly seem akin to swearing eternal friendship. To me it sounds more like a normal low key social thing that you might equally well do with somebody you weren't terribly close to, like a colleague or an acquaintance. And if the MIL is from a northern country, visiting the sauna together probably falls into the same category.

Also don't get the bit where you don't have many friends because you are in a cold remote part of northern Europe. If you can access a theatre it hardly sounds very remote to me (and I did grow up in a remote part of northern Europe). And ime it is just as possible to make friends when the temperature is -25C.

Of course you can do as you like. But there may be a time when you want the MIL to go the extra mile for you for no other reason than because she likes you.

brodchengretchen · 20/11/2016 14:06

I was not suggesting the MIL was doing any bullying, FC, but IMO there are those on this thread who I think are trying to bully the OP. Not you of course.

DeathStare · 20/11/2016 14:46

So your poor MIL has tried twice now to have a warm relationship with you, and both times you knock her back. And the second time she even went so far as to make it an occasion where you wouldn't even have to make small talk with her.

Your poor poor MIL.

Of course there was no point me typing any of that though. Clearly when you asked if you were being unreasonable you didn't really want the truth (which is yes you are). Clearly you just wanted people to pander to you, to pat you on the head and to say to treat your MIL however you like.

Lunar1 · 20/11/2016 17:35

My boys are 8&5, anyone think it's too early to start scoping out an arranged marriage for them?

jossyandme · 20/11/2016 17:45

I don't know if yabu but I don't understand why you wouldn't want to. So many people seem to complain about their hellish mil's. I love my mil, she has been amazing with me and DD. Be thankful and grateful for her wanting to spend time with you!

dollylucy · 20/11/2016 17:54

You need to articulate why you don't want to spend time alone with her.
Worried it will be awkward, nothing to talk about? Or just don't want to chat, make small talk?why? Why are you refusing to try and befriend someone who could be very important in your life?
You thinking her booking tickets is power play is very sad.

phoenixrose314 · 20/11/2016 18:03

God forbid one day you have a son you love and raise with all you have to offer and he ends up with a woman like you - she loves her son and wants to be friendly towards you... don't really see the problem here. You don't become friend with somebody overnight, and definitely not if you never even try to get to know that person. You've decided against it with, from what I read here, no real reason except that you don't want to. You are selfish and rude and I hope she and her son do better next time.

Goldilocks3Bears · 20/11/2016 18:11

If you're 30+ you may or may not have children in this relationship. If you do, not only will you need to get used to being the adult and doing a lot of things you don't really fancy. You may also need your mil more than you could ever imagine so man up and go to the fucking theatre.

As for power play, don't worry love. youve got her son, you've already won. So be nice.

You know who I'd like to go to the theatre with? My mum - who also lives in a cold Northern European country with crazy sauna people. But I can't, so I go to the theatre with other people.

Craigie · 20/11/2016 18:17

Yes, YABU, and horrible.

Huldra · 20/11/2016 18:26

I don't think there is anything wrong with not being excited by the idea of spending 1 on 1 social time with mil/partners mother. I love my mil but have never socialised with just her and yes I would feel a little akward if she invited just me out socially. She doesn't invite her other dils anywhere, it's not just me Grin My Dad has never invited my husband anywhere either and my husband wouldn't love the idea if he did.

There's nothing wrong with us, or our inlaws, our relationship is great. Luckily we all have the same expectations about how we spend time together with. I suppose the difficulties come when one party has different ideas or needs.

With the theatre situstion I would suck it up and make the best of it. Do you think your partner has mentioned that you don't know many people? She thinks she is doing you a favour. Or is she short of people to go to places like the theatre with?

There's

Mrsgingermum · 20/11/2016 18:26

Go for it. You have nothing to lose and an opportunity to gain a relationship with an important person in your boyfriends life. I think it is lovely she thought to ask you. Wish my MIL wanted to get to know me properly.

altiara · 20/11/2016 18:29

YABU because of the reason you've listed- you feel uncomfortable alone with her - but you also say she is lovely and you'd like to go to the theatre. Surely the way to get more comfortable with her is to go to the theatre! Minimal small talk beforehand and after. I wouldn't expect to do this as a teen but you said you were in your 30's. It also wouldn't surprise me if your BF has been saying how you haven't many friends and so she's trying to be nice! the horror seriously, there so many awful MIL threads on here, count your blessings and act like a grown up (sounds worse when it's written down but it's not meant unkindly).

altiara · 20/11/2016 18:30

Ps I have also been to the sauna/steam room etc with my MIL but we don't get naked in the UK Smile

dora38 · 20/11/2016 19:43

You can't just expect people to agree with you ! You asked a question on a discussion forum so you will therefore receive the opinions of other people. You sound very odd to be honest. If I told my husband I felt like that about his mum after her extending the hand of friendship, I can't imagine he would think very highly of me. You don't seem to have a good attitude to the whole thing.

SparklestheUnicorn · 20/11/2016 19:43

I'd give anything to have a friendly MIL! I am so envious of friends who go shopping, or for lunch with theirs. My MIL is awful and has done some truly horrendous things during the 13 years I've been married to her son, including blaming my DD disabilities on me (said right to my face) because I "must have done something wrong" in my pregnancy.
If your MIL is offering the hand of friendship, especially when you're far away from your own Mum, I'd take it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/11/2016 20:25

I suspect the OP has flounced, because most of us didn't agree with her. She hasn't been on the thread since yesterday evening.

Goldilocks3Bears · 20/11/2016 20:45

She's hopefully at the theatre Smile

Lessthanaballpark · 20/11/2016 20:51

Wow. Her poor MIL.

elQuintoConyo · 20/11/2016 20:52

Fuck my eyes! I can't believe what i read on here sometimes.

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