Not wanting to spend time alone with friendly mother in law...

[lamii]

My mother in law (to be exact, the mom of my long relationship boyfriend) would like to go to the theatre with me. I don't feel comfortable with that even if she is very friendly. She is not like a friend to me. I live abroad and I wish I could go to the theatre with my mum, not my mother in law...
AIBU?

Y'know what OP? Don't go. You obviously (for reasons that escape most us) don't want to. But don't be one of those who come on here moaning about your relationship with your MIL.

Brodchengretchen - threatening? I think you possibly misinterpreted.

I meant that I can only understand why the OP wouldn't want to get to know her (lovely) MIL better if she thought she might not be her future MIL for much longer - ie her relationship was 'on the rocks' so why make the effort?Anyone expecting to spend the rest of their lives with their partner knows that the MIL is around forever and if it isn't nice to have a strong relationship with them in itself, it's certainly helpful to have her onside and avoid upset if at all possible. I don't see how that is threatening.

Op- AIBU?
PP- Yes you are
Op- No I am not
PP- Er well, you really are though
Op - I want this thread deleted as none of you agree with me.

I wouldn't want you as a DIL and I feel really sorry for her.

Perhaps she bought two tickets in advance without asking first because it's a show/play she'd really like to see and she needs a friend to accompany her. Perhaps it's not all about you at all, but she's just asking if you might be kind enough to go with her so she doesn't have to go alone? Maybe she doesn't have many other people to ask.

Or maybe it totally is about you and she's really trying to forge a bond with you. Does it matter? Either way, if you are serious about her son and could see yourself being in his life for many years yet, would it really be any skin off your nose to do a nice thing and make his mother feel that you are interested in getting to know her better?

I have 3 DS and I'd like to think one day that I could do something similar with any future girlfriends they may have. She may of thought it might be quite nice getting to know you a bit?

Is it a show you'd enjoy?

I adore my mil and would be deeply touched if she asked me to spend and afternoon with her and catch a show. You won't have to talk to her during the show and after you can discuss the show.

I think she's just making a kind gesture, you said she's a nice woman, she may want to try and and make you feel like family.

Its totally up to you, can your DP ask if he can come along too, if you feel unable to go alone with her?

I personally think you're reading too much into a simple kind gesture. Don't hold this against her.

Iamii - I think you are being unreasonable, I'm afraid. I think you are seeing 'oppression' where none exists - it looks to me as if your MIL wanted to plan a treat for you and her. Maybe she was afraid that all the tickets would sell out, if she waited to check with you.

I spent lots of time alone with my MIL, and I loved it - it was a real joy to me that we built such a good relationship, and when we lost her to cancer nearly 2 years ago, I was heartbroken. Tomorrow we are travelling to see her headstone, which has recently been placed, and it is bringing back how much I miss her.

I would be surprised if she is trying to take over from your mum, or mother you - as the mother of sons, I hope that, when they have wives/long term partners, I will be able to have the sort of caring relationship with them that my wonderful MIL and I had. I would hope that they will feel at ease with me, and that we will be able to spend time together and enjoy it. I hope that they will feel,able to trust me, and to turn to me if I can help them.

Bottom line - what have you got to lose, if you go all night on this trip? You might spend a few hours watching a show that you wouldn't have chosen to see - but you might enjoy it. You might spend a few hours with your MIL, who,wouldn't be your first choice of companion - but you might have a good time, and become a bit closer.

Why cut yourself off from the possibility of a pleasant occasion and an improved relationship with your MIL?

Oh dear, you sound very hard work, OP. You started getting stroppy after only a few posts disagreeing with you.

And rebel mind? Really?

It sounds like your MIL thought she was doing a nice thing. Would it kill you to smile, say thank you, and spend a few hours with her, where you don't even have to talk for most of the time?

You're in a relationship with someone who has a family. Unless they're non-contact with that family, there's an expectation that they will at least try to get along with you, and you will at least try to get along with them. And it sounds as though things are perfectly pleasant between you, so why not accept this as the friendly gesture it is?

I don't know why some people work themselves into such an indignant state over entirely normal and pleasant social interactions. It's as though other people are somehow trespassing upon their time by daring to even suggest something.

Yes, some people are pushy and overbearing, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

I think that as an adult you have the right to spend time with whoever you wish. I would decline because, if she is trying to change the relationship, she won't stop at this one invite. If you accept now out of kindness, and then reject future invites, she may take umbrage. Stand firm

I go out with my DD a lot, I love and respect all of my DiLs. There is no way that i can spend time with the DiLs in the way I do with my DD.

YABU in my opinion. She has invited you to do something nice, just the two of you. On the face of it, that is a kind gesture and indicates that she enjoys your company and would like to spend time with you. If your boyfriend were present, the dynamic would undoubtedly be different. Perhaps this invitation is her way of showing you that she would like to be closer to you. She may have picked up on your feelings of discomfort in her presence and hopes to move beyond that stage.

How will it hurt you to go? You won't actually be alone with her, you'll be with hundreds of other people. What would you be doing otherwise? Yes, you could be with your DP, but presumably you are with him every other evening. Or you could be on your own. Is that really preferable?

Op are you socially awkward? When I was much younger I was very shy and very self conscious to the extent that I wouldnt be able to make normal coversation with an older person. If thats how it is with you, you have my sympathy. However if you just dont want to make any effort to becoming closer to your mil, I really think you need to have a word with youself.

Ticking a box?? If that's true then it sounds like more of an ordeal for her than you, especially considering your attitude.

AIBU?
Yes
No I'm not!

What was the point? There's no discussion from you OP, only reasons as to why you don't want to go: if you don't want to go then don't! Simple :)

Hth

YABU.
Sorry if it's not what you want to hear but you are.
My MIL is one of the people I'd least choose to spend my precious free time with, but in this situation I'd suck it up, thank her for inviting me and go along. I also know that DH would be thrilled I'd accepted -although would support me not going if it would traumatise me
I think ( unless you have a massive backstory) that she's just being kind. Yes she bought the tickets first - I don't see oppressive, I see a nice surprise.
She is extending the arm of 'family' to you imo. Are you planning a family with her DS? Because you'll see a lot more of her then, not necessarily with DP either....

I feel so sorry for your mil

Not asking if you even want to see the show before buying tickets would annoy me, like she's assuming you'll just say yes.

Feels like a power play IMO, maybe she is just being ice but would have been nicer to make the decision of what to see together.

I had to deal with this kind of stuff with my OH's mum around that time in our relationship, there were a few power plays n I realised I needed to put boundaries up as she was overstepping a few that I definitely was not comfortable with ie introducing me as her DIL, signing my cards with my first name but his surname, just being a little too overbearing which others would have interpreted as nice but I felt was an overstep, like rather than feeling like it was nice, just felt like she wasnt respecting my wishes.

Me n OH have been together for coming up to 8yrs n are expecting our first kid next year, both of us decided marriage certificates etc aren't important to us and neither of us are planning on leaving but felt she was forcing a relationship between me and her that wasn't sincere.

We spend time together 1-1 sometimes but mostly we do things as a family with my OH n dad as well so it's us 4 rather than just me and her. The times we do things just 1-1 its kinda obv (to me) that we need my OH and his dad to balance the situation cause I'm quite introverted and cant quite handle all her energy by myself.

I'd say go to the theatre but say next time it'd be nice to pick the show together or whatever else you would like to be different about the experience but go for a positive sandwich when saying it tho ie positive, bad news, positive:

'I really enjoyed that show, it would be nice if we picked the show together next time but I had a really nice time tonight, thanks'.

Hope you dont have kids together....

Feels like a power play >> YES! thank you IDontLookMyAge76 that is exactly my feeling.

Ok everyone the truth is that if she really wanted to know me she could ask about my passions/job which takes an enormous place in my life...and she never does!!
Sorry but meeting up to a forced event to talk about the weather, I'm not so sure how she can get to know me better.

To everyone who feels sorry for mil > I bought her flowers one week ago and cooked a huge meal for her birthday.
Another one for all of you who cry for my mil: she asked me to go to the sauna with her. I said no. SO SO would like to get naked to with your mil or dil???

I think that as an adult you have the right to spend time with whoever you wish. I would decline because, if she is trying to change the relationship, she won't stop at this one invite. If you accept now out of kindness, and then reject future invites, she may take umbrage. Stand firm
@Sosidges exactly correct!
She keeps asking. I already said no to sauna several times as I don't want to get naked in front of her of see her naked!

The sauna thing - but is that not a typical 'thing' where you live? Damn right I wouldn't want to see MIL naked, but again, is she not just trying to be nice!

Poor MILs really sometimes on here.

I felt like this at 19, the awkwardness at being alone with DP's parents, wasting time with them. But as I grew older, and up I realised the importance of accepting people and their kindness for the greater good.

Power play to introduce you as her daughter in law? (Another poster)
Again I'd just see that as proud acceptance.

Maybe she suggested a sauna because as you mentioned above you are from a northern country and she thought this is something you would like to do?

Also, saunas here are used in cossies, I think? Not sure, not a big sauna fan, but it's in Germany and Switzerland where you are naked in the sauna.

fair enough though, you didn't fancy it, she tried something else.

You're in northern Europe, right? The sauna is a big deal in some countries, and honestly no one thinks twice about being naked.

It seems to me that your MIL has made several kind and friendly overtures to you. I don't understand why you would rebuff her at every turn. But it's up to you, obviously. Shrug.

FeralBeryl I meant the buying of tickets without asking is a power play, not the intro as a DIL.

She tried to use DIL as a power position starting sentences with 'now you're my DIL, we should/you can' etc.

My handle is accurate, I look 10yrs younger than my age as well as being of an ethnic origin which ppl usually register as submissive.

Dont get me wrong, we get on and we have a pleasant relationship but that doesnt change the fact that I had to put my foot down to make sure she actually registered and treated me like an adult and an individual.