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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend time alone with friendly mother in law...

214 replies

lamii · 19/11/2016 13:09

My mother in law (to be exact, the mom of my long relationship boyfriend) would like to go to the theatre with me. I don't feel comfortable with that even if she is very friendly. She is not like a friend to me. I live abroad and I wish I could go to the theatre with my mum, not my mother in law...
AIBU?

OP posts:
Cguk81 · 19/11/2016 13:34

Gosh I feel sorry for your partners mother. Sound like she is fighting a losing battle whichever way she plays it. It's always going to be a different relationship from the one you have with your own mother or your friends but that doesn't mean it can't be a good, positive relationship in its own right. Seems a shame to write that off without even being open to the idea.

mudandmayhem01 · 19/11/2016 13:35

If you don't have many friends, the way to make more is being as social as possible. Take opportunities to interact with people, go to the theatre if your mum in law is a social person you will meet new people too. Don't be ageist, get to know older people and you might get to know their grown up children etc.

TheCuriousOwl · 19/11/2016 13:35

The theatre is great for going to spend time with someone you don't really want to talk to! It feels less antisocial than the cinema because there is an interval in which you can not talk to each other by dint of toilet visits and one of you going to get drinks/ice creams etc, and then you can feel like you've 'been with' someone even though you probably only have to spend less than an hour actually TALKING Grin

BubbleGumBubble · 19/11/2016 13:35

Arfarfanarf thanks for your normal reply.

Try writing a normal post OP then you may get more normal replies.

You are being weird. Its a trip to the theater she is not going to murder you.

Just say no if you dobt want to go.

Original poster
lamii · 19/11/2016 13:36

@Cguk81

Oh my god people! I am always nice to her!
I just don't feel like going out alone with her!!

OP posts:
MadHattersWineParty · 19/11/2016 13:36

You don't feel comfortable being alone with the mother of your long term partner?

And you don't think that's odd?

footballmum · 19/11/2016 13:37

You seem to have an issue with doing something "sociable" with your MIL. You do realize it would be an entirely normal thing to do with someone you proclaim to like? Unless there's a massive drip feed coming UAB totally U

Drquin · 19/11/2016 13:37

Ok, advice - if you see your relationship with partner lasting longer, indeed forever, it's not a daft idea to forge independent relationships with his family. She won't be your own mother. She maybe won't even be a "friend". But she can just be someone nice who you have you own relationship with. How much effort you put in will determine what that relationship looks like in the future.

Support ..... if you don't have your own mother close by, and friends your own age, I can see that MIL doesn't fit either of those brackets. Presumably you can't change where you & your mum live, but you can change how many friends you have locally. Whether that includes your MIL sounds like is very much your call.

If you decide to meet her, the theatre actually is perfect ..... you don't have to speak for 90% of the time!

MommaGee · 19/11/2016 13:38

Lamii you like the theatre and you like her, why exactly don't you want to go?

Going to the theatre isn't specifically a friends thing, I go with MIL or friends or my niece or alone. So if you don't want be buds hanging out and talking about whatever you talk to your friends about, it doesn't have to be.

You say she's always making decision for you - so do you feel like she's trying to control you on some way with this offer?

Or is it just really hard and shit doing something you want to be doing with your mom that you can't and so you feel like she's trying CTO step on your toes?

You sounds isolated and lonely. If we were mates, I'd say go, give it a try and it might just be fun. If you hate it don't go again. But also try to cultivate friends your own age - do you work? Can you socialise with anyone there? If you don't work, maybe look into volunteering etc?

diddl · 19/11/2016 13:39

I wouldn't not go just because it's your Mil.

But if it's not something that you're interested in, then just say thanks but no thanks.

Drquin · 19/11/2016 13:39

Well if you otherwise get on well with her, but just don't fancy the theatre alone with her ..... just say so. And possibly offer an alternative ...... join her at an event or group she goes to.

Arfarfanarf · 19/11/2016 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cguk81 · 19/11/2016 13:41

Why don't you want to spend time with her on your own? I know you've covered the answer to this a bit but if she is friendly and you like her then why are you so uncomfortable with it being just the two of you?

baconandeggies · 19/11/2016 13:42

Give it a try! If you still feel weird then don't do it again... Or it might be a nice thing to do with her if you actually find it's not awkward.

ilovesooty · 19/11/2016 13:43

You've evidently already made up your mind you aren't going and are right in your thinking so I don't see the point of stamping your feet because you don't like the responses.

MadHattersWineParty · 19/11/2016 13:44

Don't really know what you were hoping to get out of the thread to be honest.

Manumission · 19/11/2016 13:45

She is not like a friend to me. I live abroad and I wish I could go to the theatre with my mum, not my mother in law...

I don't feel comfortable with doing that, it might be because I have a rebel mind and she likes to be the 'mum'

Oh FGS, get over yourself. Not everyone you hang out with is going to be your Mum. She's being nice. Be nice back.

QueenOfTheNaps · 19/11/2016 13:45

YABU. What's one night out in the grand scheme of things? As you said, she's nice. And if you're at the theatre you won't need to talk on stop with her as the show will be on. Go, you might enjoy it!

Portobelly · 19/11/2016 13:46

You obviously don't see your relationship with her son as being that significant. If you did you would a) be pleased she was extending a hand of friendship b) want to get to know her c) understand that it is much better to have a MIL as an allie
Haven't you read the hundreds of 'horrid mil' threads?
Don't you realise that lots of people would wish for a mil who wishes to spend nice time together?
But it also sounds like you need to go and make some friends your own age.
That you don't have any (one) nearby will make you lonely, miserable and needy.
Maybe she realises you are lonely and that's why she wants to offer companionship
But it not her fault you are lonely.

YouHadMeAtCake · 19/11/2016 13:46

If this relationship lasts, which with your current attitude to your possible MIL is unlikely, then this woman could be in your life FOREVER. If you marry him and have children she will obviously be their Grandmother and want to spend time with you and future possible DC. She will become your family. Very odd.

MillionToOneChances · 19/11/2016 13:46

You asked if you were being unreasonable. You are. Just give it a try? An honest, open try. You'll see a nice show, barely have to talk to her, it'll be fun and worth repeating or it won't and you'll have tried.

OurBlanche · 19/11/2016 13:47

Lamii your rebel mind is leading its own revolution - against you

Your MIL hasn't done anything wrong. Your social issues are nothing to do with her. You may be cutting off your nose to spite your face!

Go... once! Then you can make an informed decision about any further socialising with her. As it is you are saying no because of issues totally beyond her control... as though you are taking out other unhapinesses on her!

averythinline · 19/11/2016 13:47

I see where your coming from I would no more do something with my MIL than some complete random person......I dont really have a relationship with her at all and I would be surprised if she wanted to do something with me either.....
However I quite like going to the theatre and so does she so if she said would I like to go and I wanted to see the show/play then I might.....as they say above its an easy thing to do as not much conversation required....Although the chances of this happening are absolutely non existent.... So just say no I dont fancy it...why cant your dp go with her if she wants someone to go to the theatre with...

You see her quite a lot as it is, in my opinion do you have to go to these lunches/country house etc? ... I only see my mil 3/4 times a year max

Joinourclub · 19/11/2016 13:47

I don't think it's that odd. Just because she is your Mil doesn't mean you have anything in common with her beyond your dp. You can have a really good relationship without being her friend. I love my mil , get on well with her and see her regularly as a family, but we are very different people with very different opinions on most things. That doesn't matter when we are playing with the kids or eating Sunday lunch, but I have no desire to be going on nights out with her. I don't actually know anyone who has a relationship with their mils outside of the husband, children unit.

averythinline · 19/11/2016 13:48

and i've been with my dh for 15yrs and have dc so you do not have to have a relationship if you don't want to..