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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend time alone with friendly mother in law...

214 replies

lamii · 19/11/2016 13:09

My mother in law (to be exact, the mom of my long relationship boyfriend) would like to go to the theatre with me. I don't feel comfortable with that even if she is very friendly. She is not like a friend to me. I live abroad and I wish I could go to the theatre with my mum, not my mother in law...
AIBU?

OP posts:
cingolimama · 19/11/2016 13:50

Sorry, OP I"m trying to wrap my head around your "problem" and am struggling.

You'd like to be able to go to the theatre. MIL asks you to go. You like your MIL. Your resistance seems to be soley about your discomfort being alone with her. In a public place.

In the kindest way I can put this: that is simply very very odd and unreasonable. Ask yourself why you think this way. And then give yourself a slap.

SaltyBitch · 19/11/2016 13:50

Why can't MIL and DIL go to the theatre together?

All sorts of duos of varying interpersonal relationships go to the theatre together. Not just friends.

The truth here is that you don't want to give her a chance and don't want to get to know her. Despite her very kind offer. And that is fairly horrible.

YA definitely BU.

SlottedSpoon · 19/11/2016 13:50

Bloody hell the woman is just trying to bond with you and be nice. Hmm She's not asking to move in with you for crying out loud. What on earth will you do if you have children with this man?

Honestly, you are lucky that she likes you and wants to try to know you better. Be grateful for that. Or just do your boyfriend and his poor mother a favour and let him loose to find no someone with a kinder heart and a more open mind who might understand the meaning of family and building bridges a bit better than you do.

SlottedSpoon · 19/11/2016 13:52

Also you sound about twelve.

theclick · 19/11/2016 13:53

You kind of need to do it as one of the few of the obligatory things you need to do as an in law. Sorry!

FrancisCrawford · 19/11/2016 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spanieleyes · 19/11/2016 13:54

she's not asking to be "best mates", she is asking you to go to the theatre!

averythinline · 19/11/2016 13:55

Slotted you have quite an narrow view of family I think......
I think I have a strong family -and am quite family orientated - the fact I have no relationship with my MIL outside of the odd family visit has nothing to do with that..
Families come in all shapes and sizes

brodchengretchen · 19/11/2016 13:55

YANBU, OP. If you don't feel comfortable don't go, that will just make things worse. One day in the future you may be ok with going, but right now don't let yourself be bullied into doing something of this kind you don't want to do. You can get to know MIL at family gatherings or over coffee easily enough I would have thought. If you can't politely decline the invitation without offence being taken then there is a problem anyway IMO.

HateSummer · 19/11/2016 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 19/11/2016 13:58

You asked "AIBU" and people are answering....

YABU. I feel sorry for your MIL. She is trying to build a relationship with you.

pringlecat · 19/11/2016 13:58

The only reason to not make an effort and spend time with your MIL is if on some level, you don't expect her to be your MIL for much longer.

Is there a future on the cards with your OH or are you coming to the end of the road?

If you expect to be with him in the long-term, you should go out with her. She doesn't have to be a mum replacement, just a MIL you get on with. Many people will be deliriously happy if they had a MIL who liked them!

Lorelei76 · 19/11/2016 13:59

I understand op but I'm not someone who ever wanted to be involved with a partner's family

I go out with a couple of friends' mums but they are like spare mums so it's different Grin

Yamadori · 19/11/2016 14:03

My mum is dead.

I go to the theatre with my MIL instead.

MommaGee · 19/11/2016 14:04

Joinourclub I do! My husband doesn't like the theatre, hers get claustrophobic so we go to the theatre together, the movies etc. She came to my sisters baby shower. She's a nice person

averythinline · 19/11/2016 14:06

Pringle - why does she need to do stuff with her mil just cause she wants a long term relationship with her DP?

I know other have said this as well, but i don't get it...my DH has no individual relationship with my mum/dad don't think it would ever cross his mind......
does your dh go out with your mum/dad? on a 1:1 basis?

sorry to hijack a bit OP but think the insults you've been given are quite harsh for something that seems quite straightforward to me...

TheDuckSaysMoo · 19/11/2016 14:09

I have some sympathy op. Is it that you think of mil as someone who is / wants to be a mother figure rather than just a person who is trying to get to know you better? I found my relationship with my mil changed for the better when I stopped thinking of her as dh's mum and started thinking of her as an important person in my life. Your mil might be equally reluctant to go out with you but realises that you are an enduring part of her life and wants to make an effort. Doesn't mean you have to end up as friends - just two women who understand each other.

CaoNiMao · 19/11/2016 14:13

This is probably the first time I've felt sorry for a MIL on Mumsnet!

crayfish · 19/11/2016 14:14

You're getting a bit of a hard time here, my MIL is lovely and really kind/generous and whatnot, but we don't have a lot in common and I wouldn't choose to spend an evening alone in her company either. We just wouldn't have much to chat about. That said, if she asked me to go to the theatre with her, I would go. You don't need to talk much at the theatre and who knows, it might bring us closer.

I understand your reluctance, but I think you should go.

Nanny0gg · 19/11/2016 14:16

Rebel mind?

Confused
NicknameUsed · 19/11/2016 14:16

My mum died many years ago. I have spent a lot of time with my lovely MIL. She has been like a second mother to me for many years.

One of the nicest things she said about me was that she was flattered when I wanted to go and stay with her one weekend when OH was working abroad. She said that she felt so lucky that she had such a good relationship with her daughter in law, and she told all of her friends this.

And, you know how this started? By her offering the hand of friendship towards me.

Sadly she now has alzheimers and she isn't the person she once was.

Also, how would your boyfriend feel if he thought you were upsetting his mum by rebuffing her friendship?

Osirus · 19/11/2016 14:17

I don't think YABU at all. It's not compulsory to do anything with any relation of your DP. If you're uncomfortable with the idea then you can't help that. It's a bit mean that you are being called odd just because you don't want to do something with someone you don't particularly wish to have an independent relationship with.

My DP's mother is a nice woman but I wouldn't choose to socialise with her alone. We have nothing in common apart from the obvious. I know her well enough, I've been with her son for ten years. I have been to the theatre with her, but my DP was there too.

I wouldn't expect my DP to do anything with my dad. If he wanted to, that would be great, but he wouldn't as they have nothing in common either.

Do what you want to do - don't feel bad about it.

MadHattersWineParty · 19/11/2016 14:21

Do what you want to do- don't feel bad about it

Lord- it's good that we don't all think like that, isn't it? What a selfish and self-absorbed stance to take.

TheNaze73 · 19/11/2016 14:21

YANBU. Why on earth would anyone choose to do that??

maddiemookins16mum · 19/11/2016 14:21

My mum is dead too, me and darling, lovely MIL are off to see Les Mis a week before Christmas. Last year we went to see Gypsy and stayed in a hotel (twin beds). The cheeky minx made two coffees at bedtime and pulled two minature bottles of Baileys and two of brandy out of her travel bag "just a little night cap for us girls" she said chuckling. She's just utterly brilliant.
YABU, and sound a bit immature to be honest, your rationale makes no sense.

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