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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend time alone with friendly mother in law...

214 replies

lamii · 19/11/2016 13:09

My mother in law (to be exact, the mom of my long relationship boyfriend) would like to go to the theatre with me. I don't feel comfortable with that even if she is very friendly. She is not like a friend to me. I live abroad and I wish I could go to the theatre with my mum, not my mother in law...
AIBU?

OP posts:
pringlecat · 19/11/2016 14:22

averythinline The OP's MIL has welcomed her into the family. It would be strange to refuse.

My ex-MIL was quite clearly my MIL and not my mum, but I would still have tea with her without my ex-OH there and go to hairdresser with her when visiting. She was a lovely lady and I wasn't about to reject her kindness!

Her son is an ex because he's a lying, cheating douchebag, but I have fond memories of her and the rest of her family. I wish them nothing but well.

MadHattersWineParty · 19/11/2016 14:22

Why is it so crazy to go to the theatre with THE MOTHER OF YOUR PARTNER???

Who is apparently perfectly nice. Jesus, it's weird here sometimes Confused

Notonthestairs · 19/11/2016 14:23

I think your rebel mind is actually rather fixed in its ways.
I've been to museums with my mil. My mum (when she was alive) wasn't that interested in museums so we did other stuff.
Unless your mil is PITA I don't really get the problem.

MrsSippy · 19/11/2016 14:23

because I have a rebel mind

FFS!!!

Hmm
MatildaTheCat · 19/11/2016 14:23

You asked for advice and have had a big majority advising you to try it and try to enjoy yourself. You never know,myou might actually enjoy yourself. If she suggests something you know you'd hate it's fine to say you might enjoy X or y more ( unless tickets have been bought).

Being in a long term partnership is about diplomacy and compromise. If you have children she sounds like a nice granny type. Or will you dislike that too since she's not your mum?

SlottedSpoon · 19/11/2016 14:25

maddie that's so lovely. Having a great relationship with your in laws is a truly a thing to be treasured, especially when your own parents cannot or will not be there for you. You are very lucky and I'm sure your MIL thinks she is very lucky too.

Wolpertinger · 19/11/2016 14:28

I don't think YABU. She's your MIL. Some people get on with their MILs. Others don't. Some MILs are friendly. Others push it too far and get on their DILs' nerves.

Only you know which one yours is.

I can just about imagine going to the theatre with mine - if it was something I really really wanted to see and of course you don't have to talk while you are at the theatre!

But for most of my relationship with my MIL, when we saw her it was for my DH's benefit not mine. I could gladly never see her again and it drove me nuts when he would disappear leaving me to talk to her for hours. Even DH's version of seeing her didn't actually involve spending time in the same room as her Hmm

I've mellowed from this position a bit but the bottom line still stands - you might be friends and you might not. It's nice if you are but it doesn't necessarily work out that way and fault can be on both sides.

SlottedSpoon · 19/11/2016 14:29

And I also wanted to say that I only have sons, no daughters and I really hope I can be that MIL to someone one day, if they will let me.

MadHattersWineParty · 19/11/2016 14:30

My own mum is rubbish. I was hoping for a nice MIL but DP hasn't seen her in years, as she ran off when he and his sisters were kids.

Tangoandcreditcards · 19/11/2016 14:35

I'm going to go against the majority here.

YABU, and you seem to know it. But I totally understand and feel the exact same way about my MIL for no good reason. She's lovely.

DP and I have been together a 6yrs and I'm mother to her 2 GCs but for some reason I find spending time with her incredibly awkward (for logistical reasons I hardly saw her in the first 3 years of our relationship). I keep putting the effort in and trying to relax about it, because I know it's all my problem.

So, yes YABU, but I feel for you. You should go though, I'm afraid. It will get easier over time as you get to know each other.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 19/11/2016 14:36

Why make problems were there isn't one? She maybe in your life for a very long time. I wish my mil wasn't a bitch was nice.

ohffsnotagain · 19/11/2016 14:38

I don't want to say you sound childish, exactly, but at the same time I am getting the impression you think it's odd to want to do anything socially with someone of a different age who isn't your own family, and that is a bit of a childish view I think.

Friends and acquaintances don't have to be exactly your age. A normal adult social life isn't limited to people who are either family, or friends one's own age - that's a child's social life. An adult's social life usually includes more variety than that, including people who may be significantly older than you (or, one day, a lot younger - maybe in a few years time you'll be enjoying picking plays to go and see once or twice a year with your own DIL, or next door neighbour, or a work colleague who likes the theatre but is younger than you - that won't mean you'll be trying to force an intense friendship with those people).

Maybe your socialising with MIL will always be occasional socialising with an acquaintance rather than a friend, but why on earth not go, since you like the theatre anyway?

MNRandom · 19/11/2016 14:39

Only do what feels comfortable to you OP. For what it's worth I've never been out on my own with my ml and I've been married 20 years. The occasion has never presented itself. Until I read your post it isn't something I thought about either.

I wonder how many of the posters who have flamed you have actually been out with their in laws without their other half bring there.

Purplebluebird · 19/11/2016 14:41

I think yabu. It's a nice thing of her to do! I'd happily go with my MIL.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 19/11/2016 14:41

It's just a night at the theatre.

It's not like she wants you to go to a tattoo parlour and tattoo each other names entwined with roses on your wrists and renounce your mum forever.

I do hope she hasn't suggested a nice meal at a restaurant as well, because OP will be in tears then.

TupsNSups · 19/11/2016 14:42

I can only put this down to being a cultural thing and you feeling some sort of guilt towards your own mother maybe?

Otherwise I find it quite sad that you would refuse to go out with a perfectly nice woman just because she is your mil. What does your dp think about you snubbing his Mother?

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2016 14:45

Yes you are being unreasonable and it has to be said very odd.

She's not asking to be your best buddy, she's not trying to be your mum, she's not asking uou to hang with her all the time, it's one night at the theatre and saying no will be damaging, to your relationship with her and your parenter.

So suck it up and go. And yes, you do sound immature and petulant. I was surprised when uou said uou were a grown ass woman in her thirties.

PhilomenaCatLover · 19/11/2016 14:50

OP, haven't RTFT (but have read your posts). I can sort of understand this. my MIL is perfectly lovely and pleasant, but I just didn't like being alone with her - always felt more comfortable having my DP around. But tbh it's not sustainable in a long relationship to only interact with ILs when DP is around. For that reason I'd suggest you suck it up and go. You won't have to talk much at the theatre and you'll have readymade topics of conversation (the play, the venue etc). You could arrange to meet your DP after for a drink or dinner and that might further ease the awkwardness.
TBH it sounds like your MIL has picked up on the fact that you'll never interact one on one and hence the invite, and to boot it seems like a mighty thoughtful invite (rather than say an invite to tea or something where I'd freak out at awkwardness of conversation for a few hours).

YouHadMeAtCake · 19/11/2016 14:53

because I have a rebel mind

Only just saw that , wow are you 15? That is one of the most laughable things I have ever read and I would not expect it to come from an adult woman, an angst ridden trying to be cool teenager maybe.

I have DS and if they had a gf with an attitude towards me like you have about you bf poor Mum, it would not last five minutes. Grow up. Rebel mind my arse.

murmuration · 19/11/2016 14:54

Like tango, I get the feeling OP. DH and I have been together 20 years and I'm still nervous with MIL on my own. She's absolutely lovely, but I'm very socially awkward and I also feel like there's extra pressure - I had better get on with this person, because it's not like I can drop her like a friend I stop getting along with! And we're very, very different. So I'm constantly on edge I'll say/do something that offends her - that sounds worse than it is. It's more low-level, just an awareness not an all-anxiety. But it's there.

But I do do things with her, because she's my MIL and that's what you do. Go the theatre with her, OP.

viques · 19/11/2016 14:56

"I have a rebel mind" would you like to explain what you mean by this, it seems an odd way to describe yourself.

Maybe your mil is also trying to get to understand you better, a theatre trip is a good idea, you are not forced to sit across from each other and make conversations it would be if you went for a meal or a drink.
You will have a topic of conversation ready to hand, the play, talking about both your responses to it will give you insight into each other.
If you get on well then "shall we go for a drink or a pizza after" is an acceptable outcome, but so is, " well,that was interesting, thanks for inviting me, sorry I have to rush off, I've got a busy day tomorrow"

SaltyBitch · 19/11/2016 14:59

"I have a rebel mind" would you like to explain what you mean by this, it seems an odd way to describe yourself.

It's probably something like this... Grin

OP, are you Madonna?

Not wanting to spend time alone with friendly mother in law...
Thornyrose7 · 19/11/2016 15:06

YANBU to feel the way that you do, OP. Either the relationship is there, or it isn't. My MIL has invited me to lunches and a few things over the years, but I have politely declined because we have absolutely nothing in common apart from my DH.. Like you, I am always nice to her, we get on fine at family events, but I really could not socialise with her at all because we have such different views on the world, we might as well be from different planets!
I can see how the majority feel that the OP is being U. But as I am in a similar boat, I have some sympathy. What you could do, OP is just go the one time and see how you feel, that would be polite and kind.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 19/11/2016 15:08

I wonder how many of the posters who have flamed you have actually been out with their in laws without their other half bring there

Most, probably, as it's a pretty normal thing to do. And I think all those "just do whatever you want regardless of anyone else" proponents will probably the first moaning on MN that their MILs don't do enough to help/ support when they have a baby.
Just go out and have fun with your MIL and be grateful that's she's nice and trying to build a relationship with you, OP.

I'm afraid it's a sad truth that whatever a MIL does will be wrong for some.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2016 15:13

If you don't want to be 'friends' you don't have to be. But remember that any relationship with your MiL does not 'cheapen' the relationship you have with your own mother.

I wouldn't say I was 'friends' with my MiL but we certainly had a good relationship. And yes, we occasionally went shopping or to the movies together. Why do you think doing that would make whatever relationship you have with her cross from MiL/DiL into BFFs? It doesn't. MiL wasn't included in 'girls nights' and never went with me and my friends when we did things together. I think if you were to develop more friendships with people/women your own age you might feel differently about doing things with your MiL.

Hopefully, she's going to be your MiL for a long, long time. You're lucky that she wants to get to know you and to love the woman who loves her son.