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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend time alone with friendly mother in law...

214 replies

lamii · 19/11/2016 13:09

My mother in law (to be exact, the mom of my long relationship boyfriend) would like to go to the theatre with me. I don't feel comfortable with that even if she is very friendly. She is not like a friend to me. I live abroad and I wish I could go to the theatre with my mum, not my mother in law...
AIBU?

OP posts:
MNRandom · 19/11/2016 15:13

TheFreaks' What can I say, it's never been my normal. My sil hasn't been out alone with ml either.

NicknameUsed · 19/11/2016 15:17

"YANBU. Why on earth would anyone choose to do that??"

TheNaze Why on earth wouldn't you?

"Some people get on with their MILs. Others don't."

Wolpertinger How many of the ones that don't just haven't tried? Or rejected offers of friendship?

The thing is when you marry or are in a long term relationship life is far easier if you can get on with your other half's family. OH and I have been married for over 35 years, and I'm sure that part of it is that my in-laws are lovely and OH hasn't felt torn between families and not had to make difficult choices.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 19/11/2016 15:18

Yes, MN, I wrote "most" "probably" and "pretty normal", not everyone, definitely, always.

Lules · 19/11/2016 15:20

I don't have a MIL only a step-MIL but if she wanted to do something I'd do it to be polite but I certainly wouldn't want to. She's perfectly nice but I have absolutely nothing in common with her. If my DH said he was going to spend time with my mother I'd think that was bizarre outside the usual inevitable spending time alone together if you're staying with each other etc. It's different if you have an interest i common and would actually enjoy it (like you would both like to see the same play).

GeorgeTheThird · 19/11/2016 15:22

Yes YABU. Don't be mean.

JeepersMcoy · 19/11/2016 15:23

My mil is perfectly lovely, but it would never cross my mind to go out to the theatre with her on my own. She is not someone I would choose to hang out with as a friend, we just don't have much in common. As much as I think she is a nice person I wouldn't have a particularly good time going out with her like that. I would also find it a bit odd if my father asked my dh out to something and certainly wouldn't expect him to go if he didn't really want to.

I have to say I had no idea hanging out with your mil was a thing people did! You learn something new everyday.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2016 15:26

Lules, I would not see it the same as your husband wanting to spend time with uour mother, it would be more like uou father inviting uour husband to play golf or watch a sport game or whatever and your husband saying he didn't want to go because he didn't want to socialise with him and would prefer to spend time with his own father.

MNRandom · 19/11/2016 15:27

No TheFreak' you did not write "most", "probably" and "pretty normal". You wrote "Most, probably, as it's a pretty normal thing to do." Somewhat contextually different. But hey I'm ok with whatever your opinion is.

Original poster
lamii · 19/11/2016 15:30

Thanks for reasonable replies @murmuration, tango , PhilomenaCatLover, Thornyrose7 and everyone who hasn't jumped on me!

  • I haven't said no yet! I wanted to discuss it here, and now I just feel aggressed by this post and I'd like to delete it.
  • My partner TOTALLY understands my feeling

-She bought the ticket before asking me if I want to go or not. This, is a little oppressive to me.

  • Rebel mind is a crap expression, excuse my sloppiness on that. I am not someone who goes out with mil just to tick the box. We don't have a special relationship, just lovely and very polite...
  • I don't have many friends because we live in a remote and cold part of Northern Europe

Why not inviting my and my partner. If feel like it's to tick the box of hanging out as a mil and dil.

OP posts:
SlottedSpoon · 19/11/2016 15:31

I wonder how many of the posters who have flamed you have actually been out with their in laws without their other half bring there

I have no idea, I suppose it depends entirely on various factors, like how locally they live, whether there are grandchildren etc.

But perhaps the MIL feels that she is struggling to make a connection with the OP and that the OP hides behind her partner a little when they are together. Maybe she wants a chance to really get to know her on her own terms and extend the hand of friendship?

Frankly I'd rather have a MIL like that than the other type, unless of course I'd already decided that I didn't like her.

IrnBrufan · 19/11/2016 15:33

I'm with you in this one. Some people have a 'friend' relationship with their MIL and enjoy doing things 1 on 1.
If you don't have that relationship then I get why you wouldn't want to go out just the two of you. Not sure what's unreasonable about that - I wouldn't go to the theater with my MIL either!

brodchengretchen · 19/11/2016 15:33

The OP's MIL has welcomed her into the family.

Into MIL's family? Maybe but I think OP has her own, and she's not someone else's property. The weirdness that's been mentioned IMO is coming from the controlling idea that OP should accept MIL's invitation or be a cow. Confused

Embletoni · 19/11/2016 15:35

YAB really odd, unless you don't see much future with her son.

Embletoni · 19/11/2016 15:38

The fact you have few friends is more reason to accept her invitation in my opinion.

Your partner is being supportive, yet I imagine he is a bit upset or doesn't actually understand your thinking. You've been together 3 1/2 years, don't know your MIL well, but get on with her and think she's a nice person. It's odd that you don't think she's important enough to spend time with. If you don't go, you will be sending a really strong negative message in my view.

pringlecat · 19/11/2016 15:38

brodchengretchen The OP has her own, but by her own admission, her own family is far away and she's lonely. The MIL trying to treat her as member of her family is a lovely gesture in the circumstances - perhaps she's noticed/picked up from things her son has said that the OP is indeed feeling isolated.

twocockersarebetterthanone · 19/11/2016 15:41

-She brought the ticket before asking me if I want to go or not. This, is a little oppressive to me.

Maybe she brought them to go with someone else who has now let her down.

Maybe you're second, third, fourth or even last choice Wink

SlottedSpoon · 19/11/2016 15:41

And once again, this thread is a real eye opener and an explanation for why some women have such strained relationships with their MILs. Such a lack of willingness to make an effort for the sake of the partners and children who love the people on both sides. No-one has to make friends with their future MIL, but assuming you have no particular reason to despise her already, why on earth would it not be in your long term interests to give it a damn good shot?

BingBongBingBong · 19/11/2016 15:41

I do sort of see your point OP. She has got tickets without asking you and sort of takes over like she's your mum, is that it? Maybe she just likes oi and wants to socialise with you and get to know you 1-to-1?

I socialise with my MIL without my DH occasionally, she's not my best friend but she is a really lovely woman and we get on well. It's not about ticking a box as you say, I'm sure that isn't your MILs intention either. It's not like she's asking you to go out to a club and get hammered, it's the theatre which is a perfectly normal thing to do.

ilovesooty · 19/11/2016 15:43

The reasonable replies are the only people who agreed with you, it seems.

I doubt if MNHQ will delete the thread because you don't like the responses, but you never know.

FlamingoSnuffle · 19/11/2016 15:43

This isn't about box ticking, this is about a woman who wants to know you better, without her son being around.

My MIL got off to a very rocky start but we spent time together and then we liked each other, not just the normal polite stuff.

We went to a salsa class together, a line dancing class and went to a pub afterwards. She taught me to crochet as I was struggling a bit.

MILs are people, not just mothers. Sadly both my Mum and MIL are dead, I don't have the same relationships with them that I now have with my Dad and FIL. They are much more distant. It guts me daily how much I miss them.

Her buying you a ticket isn't oppressive. It's just thoughtful.

MadHattersWineParty · 19/11/2016 15:44

What would the thread deletion be for, exactly?

YouHadMeAtCake · 19/11/2016 15:44

I don't have many friends because we live in a remote and cold part of Northern Europe

Few friends and your own mother living far away,seems like your BF Mum has decided to include you, with all that in mind.What does BF have to say about your weird attitude to his mother?

brodchengretchen · 19/11/2016 15:45

YAB really odd, unless you don't see much future with her son.

Isn't the truth that OP's relationship is with MIL's son, not MIL? MIL and OP are not a couple, MIL is just a member of DP's family in OP's eyes, and does not feel the need to change that. Whyever should she?

Embletoni your post sounds a little threatening to me, why is what happens in the relationship MIL and OP a predictor of the future?

FWIW I am both a DIL and MIL and my motto is live and let live.

sukindred · 19/11/2016 15:50

I have 6 Sons, no daughters ,so as I think someone else previously said I hope my DiLs don't think of me like that. When I am with them I am their proud MiL because I am proud of my sons and their good choices and I am certainly not trying to be anything else.Your MiL sounds lovely I have always got on well with my MiL and enjoyed her company as has my SiL she has no daughters either - must run in our family!
YABU xx

YouHadMeAtCake · 19/11/2016 15:50

Embletoni your post sounds a little threatening to me, why is what happens in the relationship MIL and OP a predictor of the future?

Brodchengretchen I must ask ,how on earth did you get threatening from what Emble wrote?! Hmm