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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to spend time alone with friendly mother in law...

214 replies

lamii · 19/11/2016 13:09

My mother in law (to be exact, the mom of my long relationship boyfriend) would like to go to the theatre with me. I don't feel comfortable with that even if she is very friendly. She is not like a friend to me. I live abroad and I wish I could go to the theatre with my mum, not my mother in law...
AIBU?

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 19/11/2016 19:32

You sound like terribly hard work op. I think your mil deserves more respect than this.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/11/2016 19:35

Good Lord I'm glad you aren't my DiL! And I truly pity the poor woman if you and bf have a child!

Poor woman probably doesn't stand a chance as you've already decided that she has 'ulterior motives'. Saunas aren't a 'thing' where I am so I'm with you on that one, but other than that I really don't think it would hurt you to unbend a little bit.

You can (and will) do what you want, but I think you need to expect that your relationship with your MiL will deteriorate unless you at least try a bit with her.

RortyCrankle · 19/11/2016 19:57

There are many heinous crimes committed by MILs on here but buying theatre tickets and inviting you aren't among them.

I really hope she ends up with a nicer DIL than you apparently would be.

GoofyTheHero · 19/11/2016 20:06

I've been to a sauna with my MIL! Not naked though, we wore swimming costumes.
In reality, my MIL isn't the person I'd most choose to spend my time with. She's pleasant but we don't have a massive amount in common. I have friends who I'd much rather spend my free time with. But... she's my DH's mum. He loves her. She wants a relationship with me. So we spend time together. Yeah there's things I'd rather be doing, but that would be a pretty selfish way of going through life wouldn't it? Always just doing what I want?

And what the actual fuck is a 'rebel mind'? Is is a thing?? Do I have a 'conformist mind'??

buttercup54321 · 19/11/2016 20:08

I think you need to grow up ffs

happypoobum · 19/11/2016 20:14

I think MIL sounds like a total bitch and you should go NC. And don't let any future DC anywhere near her.

That better OP?

I just cannot imagine why you don't have many friends................

user1471545174 · 19/11/2016 20:19

If MIL is from a cold Northern European country then sauna will be completely normal for her, no? But fine if you didn't like that idea, so she thoughtfully suggests the theatre - you don't even have to make conversation there. But no.

YABVU.

It's not your MIL's fault she isn't your mum, and that your mum lives somewhere else. Do you want to go home to your mum?

SavageBeauty73 · 19/11/2016 20:21

How bizarre.

NicknameUsed · 19/11/2016 20:30

"I don't have many friends because we live in a remote and cold part of Northern Europe"

All the more reason to make an effort IMO.

"I wonder how many of the posters who have flamed you have actually been out with their in laws without their other half bring there"

Me. I even went to stay with mine for a weekend without OH as he was in the USA.

"And once again, this thread is a real eye opener and an explanation for why some women have such strained relationships with their MILs. Such a lack of willingness to make an effort for the sake of the partners and children who love the people on both sides. No-one has to make friends with their future MIL, but assuming you have no particular reason to despise her already, why on earth would it not be in your long term interests to give it a damn good shot?"

I agree entirely SlottedSpoon

TBH you sound cold and unfriendly.

ilovesooty · 19/11/2016 20:37

I can think of reasons why your friends are limited that have nothing to do with your geographical location.

I feel sorry for your mil.

Flatbox · 19/11/2016 20:48

It's just one evening, can't you grin and bear it just to keep everyone happy?

wtffgs · 19/11/2016 20:51

Poor woman! Her, not you.

She's suggested something perfectly nice. You're not pledging eternal allegiance- you're going to see a play.

You might be 30+ but you sound terribly immature TBH.

dontcrynow · 19/11/2016 21:48

I wish I had a dm or a dmil but both are dead. however I have a very dear friend in my sil's dm and I regularly meet her for coffee, dog walking and a chinwag

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/11/2016 23:38

Lamii - do you ever try to talk to your MIL about your work/passions? Do you talk about hers?

I'm afraid that it looks to me as if you have cherry-picked the answers on here where people have agreed with you, and are ignoring what the rest of us are saying.

You have ignore my question - what is the worst that could happen if you go out to the theatre with her? I can't see how it would be that bad, spending a few hours with someone you say you get on fairly well with, at the theatre. I don't see how anything dreadful and relationship wrecking could happen, and you might end up with a better relationship - isn't it worth the effort?

And maybe she's realised that you aren't going to go for the sauna idea, and is trying something different. It sounds as if she is really making an effort to build a relationship with you, and you are rejecting every overture - which seems pretty unkind.

I would give so, so much for just one more day with my lovely MIL.

NicknameUsed · 20/11/2016 08:59

"I'm afraid that it looks to me as if you have cherry-picked the answers on here where people have agreed with you, and are ignoring what the rest of us are saying."

I kind of get that impression as well. You asked for opinions and the majority are saying give your MIL a chance. We can't all be wrong, can we?

I went to the theatre on Friday with two neighbours. Apart from the interval, the majority of which I spent queuing for the loo, we hardly spoke to each other because we were being entertained.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/11/2016 09:10

She sounds very nice, you however do not!

Aeroflotgirl · 20/11/2016 09:12

She is your partners mother, it is in your best interests to get to know her, she may one day be your child's grandma, hope ds does not have a partner as cold and uncaring as you!

FrancisCrawford · 20/11/2016 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepixiedust · 20/11/2016 09:56

I don't reall understand why you wouldn't want to go. I think your MIL has made a lovely guesture. You don't mention a FIL. Is she lonely? Does she have anyone to go to the sauna or theatre with? You say you get on, that she is lovely, that you buy flowers and cook dinner for her. She is trying to do something nice. It probably never entered her head you felt the way you do. Most people as this thread shows would either go happily or go thinking it might help their relationship. What do you have to loose? Is it a play you want to see? Your MIL may think she is helping you as you are away from your own mum and don't have many friends. I would go.

I went out with and visited my MIL without my DH on occasions and we got on well. She was a talker so conversation always flowed. I took her to hospital appointments too when she was poorly and she visited me while DH was at work a few times when I was on mat leave. I thought of her as my family. She was my sons grannie and my DSs Mum. She wasn't trying to be my mum!

Both my MIL and mum have now died. Parents are not around for ever. I was still in my 30s when we lost MIL to cancer and 41 when my mum died after a hellish time with dementia.

What I wouldn't give to go to the theatre or have a cuppa and a chat with either of them. I miss my own mum every day.

Oh and often people don't talk about people's work because they have no comprehension of what you do. I only talk about my job to work colleagues and my DH. You do have things in common with your MIL though. The place you live, your DP, possible love of theatre? Go OP. You have nothing to loose and everything to gain. By changing the dynamic (going without your DP) you might add more warmth to your relationship. Why would you not want to try?

WouldHave · 20/11/2016 10:47

OP, any chance of telling us how it would actually hurt you to go out to the theatre with her, and what you plan to do instead that you couldn't do any other night of the year?

JunosRevenge · 20/11/2016 10:59

*Rebel mind
*
GrinGrinGrin

Seriously OP, you need to get over yourself. Your MIL is making an effort to get to know you.

YABVVU

DonaldStott · 20/11/2016 11:09

You might be 30+ but you sound terribly immature TBH

^^This.

You sound a bit pathetic and angsty. And bizarre.

maddening · 20/11/2016 11:11

You will never get used to being alone with her if you don't try.

Your approach to her and being alone and friendly with her sounds more 19+ than 30+.

ilovesooty · 20/11/2016 11:17

I suspect the OP threw her toys out of the pram and flounced off ages ago.

missellieclampet · 20/11/2016 11:56

I have a rebel mind = I'm an awkward twat.
OP-you sound stuck in adolescence, another woman has offered you a hand of friendship and you don't see her as just another human being, the fact that she is older than you and potentially a MIL means you feel rebellious. You sound about 15.
Many of us have friends of differing levels of intimacy. Some are almost soul mates, others we just enjoy a particular hobby or a chat with.

No wonder you have few friends, you sound a bit self-centered and inflexible.