Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry with nursery

340 replies

Rockingaround · 19/11/2016 10:05

Hi all,
Not sure what to do, I only know that I'm so angry but not sure if I'm overreacting.

DS just turned 4 last weekend. I picked DS from his nursery (within primary school) yesterday. He started in September after being at pre school, his session is 8.45-11.45. His former and current teachers have said he's a really good boy, good at listening and following the rules etc

Anyway, at pick-up he was balling his eyes out, snotty, gasping - in a right state, in all honesty I have never seen him this upset.

One of the nursery staff said " We were making biscuits and none of the children ate a smartie except for DS so Miss X has decided he is not allowed a biscuit because of it".

After DS had calmed down he told me he'd eaten a smartie. They told him he wasn't allowed to eat it but he carried on making his biscuit. Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie. I asked if they'd warned him that would happen if he ate a smartie and he said no.

I couldn't speak to them at that moment as I was so angry, I'm thinking g of writing a letter....? What would you do?

I'm doing his birthday party today but I'll check back in later. Thank you

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 19/11/2016 11:01

I would leave it tbh. Your son did something he was asked not to so received a consequence. He wasn't supposed to like the consequence. And it won't be the last time at school he receives a consequence for what is basically normal, age appropriate behaviour. Moving around on the carpet, shouting out answers will also be punished. Because if all the kids did it it would be impossible to teach.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 11:01

Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie.

No, it says the child says he wasn't warned.
So, you think it is wrong that a child has a biscuit removed because he ate some. But then you are more than happy to believe his version of events without speaking to the teacher.

Do you REALLY think at any level, that a child would be told not to eat something after he has eaten it? Seriously?

I will go back read the op, Bob.

Fixed for you.

SolomanDaisy · 19/11/2016 11:01

Is there a more terrifying sentence than 'rules are rules', particularly when used by the maker of those rules? I'm so glad my DS has had sensible, compassionate teachers so far.

Pastaagain78 · 19/11/2016 11:02

Oh! That's mean! I would be really upset.

liz70 · 19/11/2016 11:02

Had I been that teacher I would have kept hold of the Smarties myself until the biscuits were ready to be decorated, and only then handed them out to be placed in the icing. Assuming one Smartie per biscuit, if a child scoffs their Smartie, then they take home a Smartieless biscuit. SFW. Hardly a matter to get a four year old so upset about. Harsh punishments teach children nothing. In fact punishment teaches children (and adults) nothing, as can be seen throughout thousands of years of human history.

Trifleorbust · 19/11/2016 11:04

Bit harsh, like. He is only 4.

ruthsmumkath · 19/11/2016 11:04

It's a biscuit - at 4 I would think his reaction was OTT.

At school there are rules and it's best that they learn to follow the rules when young.

If he was the only one who ate his smartie then I presume they were told not to.

He hopefully has learnt to follow instructions.

Do what you want at home but FWIW I think the nursery are doing a good job preparing your son for reception and on.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 19/11/2016 11:04

And you automatically disbelieved him? Defending to the death Wink

TaliDiNozzo · 19/11/2016 11:04

It's harsh as a consequence, but I would make doubly sure your DS wasn't warned that losing the biscuit was a consequence of doing the thing he was told not to do, because that's the bit this hinges on.

I certainly wouldn't be going in and complaining per se, that would be ott but I would perhaps make it clear I wasn't happy by questioning that you have the full story. Nursery will realise you're not happy.

Sounds like the nursery have clumsily tried to teach your DS that actions have consequences.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/11/2016 11:05

Maybe other children ate and were not seen - possibly

Or maybe all had one smartie to put in iced biscuit and then ds smarties was gone so teacher knew he ate it

Till op speaks to teacher and finds out what was said before - ie if you eat the smarties you won't be allowed your biscuit then we can not judge

Agree op you need to ask ds 4 simply - did the teacher say not to eat the smarties

Asking him about consequences he won't understand

Jabuticaba · 19/11/2016 11:06

Delayed punishments don't work well for 4 year olds. A much better idea would have been to remove him from the baking activity immediately when he ate the smartie and explain that he couldn't take part because he hadn't listened to the instructions or alternatively not to let him decorate his biscuit with smarties. He probably doesn't even associate the smartie eating with not getting the biscuit by the time home time rolls around. For those saying he probably won't do it again. Urm....yes he will, he has learnt very little other than adults can be harsh and mean.

You're in a catch 22 OP. If you complain it sounds petty and as if you're protecting your little boy. If you don't you're allowing a teacher to be heavy handed with punishments rather than actually teaching the children anything valuable about followING rules.

Sorry I'm not much help. In your shoes I'd have a word with the teacher to ask them next time to pull him up on his behaviour immediately next time and not dish out harsh and delayed punishments because he didn't really understand the action and consequence and didn't learn anything from it.

ShowMeTheElf · 19/11/2016 11:06

The appropriate recourse, if the children were told not to eat their smartie and he did, would have been for him not to be able to put a smartie on his cookie. He should still have got the cookie. Just meanness.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/11/2016 11:06

The boy is 4 ffs!, that seems awfully cruel and heavy handed for just eating one Smartie. I would have a meeting with the teacher to find out what happened, and voice my displeasure.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 19/11/2016 11:07

It doesn't matter if he was warned not to eat the smartie or not, if the consequences were not explained then they should not have removed the biscuit from him.

Don't eat the smartie

He eats the smartie

He makes the biscuit

Right, you can't have that biscuit now.

Unfair.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/11/2016 11:10

I think the absolute first rule of parenting/teaching is to follow through on your punishments. Even if as soon as you've said it, you're thinking 'fuck, that was way too harsh'.
If it was too harsh, (like this one), I'd still follow through, then try and make it up to them later. For my dc, it has 100% worked in improving their behaviour.

SmellySphinx · 19/11/2016 11:10

How many children were making the biscuits? I find it very difficult to believe that your little boy was the ONLY one to have eaten a single smartie. I think the teacher is seriously going over the top not letting him take the biscuit. I'd have nabbed a smartie and I bet at least one of the teachers had 1 or 5 whilst they were dividing up the baking materials. I think giving him one less smartie than the others (IF IF IF!!!! He was genuinely the only one to eat one) to put on his biscuit would have been the fair 'punishment', followed by a few words of 'You have to follow instructions just like all the other boys and girls or you'll not get any next time' or some such words.

Not sure I'd go all guns blazing and complain too much but I would make it very clear I found it OTT

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 11:14

How many children were making the biscuits? I find it very difficult to believe that your little boy was the ONLY one to have eaten a single smartie. I think the teacher is seriously going over the top not letting him take the biscuit.

If the rule is 'don't eat a smartie or you won't take your biscuit home' then that is that.

What if the rule is 'don't punch other children or you won't go out to play'. Should that not be followed through? Or do you get to pick and choose which rules have to be followed?

diddl · 19/11/2016 11:16

If the smartie was to decorate the biscuit then err, his biscuit wouldn't have a smartie on it!

Isn't that "punishment" enough at 4?

I'd have to look into it I think.

Serialweightwatcher · 19/11/2016 11:17

I'd be absolutely fuming - petty idiots ......... I know people say it's only a biscuit and he'll get over it etc etc, but that poor kid felt devastation at the time and was completely distraught - they obviously didn't explain properly beforehand and it's hard for kids to not pinch a smartie when it's staring them in the face - rotten beggars ...... I'd go in and tear a strip off them - shame it's too late for your poor ds now but they need to be told

HunterHearstHelmsley · 19/11/2016 11:18

If he was told beforehand (which I bet he was) then I think it's completely reasonable. They can't just back down because he cried.

insancerre · 19/11/2016 11:20

I think 4 is old enough to understand not to eat the smarties
I work with 2-4 year olds and I would expect them not to eat the smarties
I wouldn't confiscate the biscuit but I wouldn't have given him any more smarties to put on his biscuit

Is he generally poor at following instructions?
Maybe he is not a well behaved as you think. Maybe the previous setting had low expectations of children's behaviour

SuburbanRhonda · 19/11/2016 11:21

OP, when you come back, could you say what you think is the right sanction for your son eating a smartie when he was told not to?

And can you be sure that, age 4, he understands your question, "were you warned beforehand of what would happen if you ate the smartie"?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 19/11/2016 11:22

Sounds harsh but perhaps he ate quite a few smarties having been told not to and perhaps was also told he wouldn't have his biscuit because of it. Maybe ask the teacher.

SuburbanRhonda · 19/11/2016 11:22

serial

Loving your calm and measured response Grin

Trifleorbust · 19/11/2016 11:23

I think a 4 year old shouldn't struggle with an instruction not to eat a smartie but I can also see that he would struggle with the idea that a cookie that he made himself wasn't his unconditionally Sad

They shouldn't be acting like the Gestapo over a sweet. That said, I wouldn't have the energy to get this angry about it - I would just give him a cookie when we got home.

Swipe left for the next trending thread