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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so angry with nursery

340 replies

Rockingaround · 19/11/2016 10:05

Hi all,
Not sure what to do, I only know that I'm so angry but not sure if I'm overreacting.

DS just turned 4 last weekend. I picked DS from his nursery (within primary school) yesterday. He started in September after being at pre school, his session is 8.45-11.45. His former and current teachers have said he's a really good boy, good at listening and following the rules etc

Anyway, at pick-up he was balling his eyes out, snotty, gasping - in a right state, in all honesty I have never seen him this upset.

One of the nursery staff said " We were making biscuits and none of the children ate a smartie except for DS so Miss X has decided he is not allowed a biscuit because of it".

After DS had calmed down he told me he'd eaten a smartie. They told him he wasn't allowed to eat it but he carried on making his biscuit. Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie. I asked if they'd warned him that would happen if he ate a smartie and he said no.

I couldn't speak to them at that moment as I was so angry, I'm thinking g of writing a letter....? What would you do?

I'm doing his birthday party today but I'll check back in later. Thank you

OP posts:

Potatoooooo · 19/11/2016 10:25

I think its all very conflicting answers here. Some people think its mean and others feel it was justified.

I think that your son shouldn't have eaten the smartie if he was told not to. It's not fair on the other children to allow one child to get away with eating something they shouldn't and the rest don't.
BUT I think she could have come up with a better consequence than the one given. Not giving him something that he put time and effort into, is very cruel.
Time out, or being explained to would have been sufficient. So I do think you should speak to someone about that, a letter is a bit much, nothing drastic happened to him.

I think you should outline that you accept your son didn't do as he was told but you feel the punishment does not fit the crime and was perhaps too spiteful.

flumpybear · 19/11/2016 10:26

Far too harsh!!!

FourToTheFloor · 19/11/2016 10:28

I'd be speaking to nursery. That is just plain mean. 4 for ffs. I wouldn't have left tbh if I'd collected dd1 in that state.

ClarissaDarling · 19/11/2016 10:29

I think I'm still a bit riled/ frightened of the reactions regarding the school play incident across in USA where a teacher is now having death threats due to parental anger/complaining. So I may have been a bit trigger happy with my ffs response..

ClassmateHB · 19/11/2016 10:29

clarissa I apologise for my ffs then, sorry I wrongly thought it was to me about the experiment.

I don't agree with the take her job either. But I do think I would have said something then and discussed it, and taken the biscuit myself!

arethereanyleftatall · 19/11/2016 10:31

I think you asked him the wrong question. Not 'did they warn you what would happen if you are a smartie,' but 'did they tell you not to eat the smarties?' You haven't included in your op whether you asked him that or not.
It is quite a harsh punishment, but his reaction was ott, as is yours. I wouldn't do anything, just assume he wouldn't so that again, and then I'd forget about it.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 19/11/2016 10:33

Clarissa, are you in childcare? Would you say you're very attached to smarties?

I have an outlandish idea: if you don't want smarties eaten don't put them in front of kids! But I'm sure it's much more complicated than that. Let's all wait to hear from the woman who steals cookies from children and makes them cry. I'm sure she's all kinds of reasonable.

Bluntness100 · 19/11/2016 10:35

Two different things at play here:

1/ does the punishment fit the crime
2/ was the punishment articulated and then followed through with.

In my view for 1/ if he ate one smartie, then the punishment is excessive for the crime committed, it's overly harsh.

For 2/ if he was told that if he ate a smartie he wouldn't be able to have his biscuit, then yes then punishment should have been delivered, absolutely.

The issue is with no 1. The punishment seems overly punitive for the crime committed. There should be a consequence for disobeying, but ffs, not then not letting him have his biscuit he made and letting him watch the other kids have theirs.

I guess he learned a big lesson though, he won't eat a smartie when he's told not to again,

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 10:35

I did this just a few weeks ago.

Yes he was upset. But not a single child has eaten anything when they have been told not to.

On the other view, what if a child had taken and eaten something and had a reaction? Then the teacher is looking at losing their job over it. We don't make rules just to spoil fun and be mean.

Your child broke the rule and faced the consequence.

Get over it

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 10:36

Not a single child has eaten anything since*

CageyBee · 19/11/2016 10:38

He did not do as he was told. He was sanctioned. He will learn from it if you back up the nursery. If you don't back them up, you might face big problems with him further down the line.

ChocChocPorridge · 19/11/2016 10:42

I think that if, ahead of time, they had been told that if they ate a smartie, then they wouldn't be allowed their biscuit it would have been a fair punishment. Harsh, especially for 4 year-olds, but at least fair. Ideally he would have been removed from the activity at that point in order to make it clear.

If they decided the punishment after the crime, then that is not fair, and demonstrates to the child that adults have the power to do whatever they want to him just because they want to.

Kids need clear rules.

ChuckGravestones · 19/11/2016 10:43

What did they do with his biscuit? Surely if you are paying nursery fees, and the kids are getting a biscuit, then they should have a different behaviour management system that doesn't involve the staff eating or throwing away one child's work?

Bobsmum02 · 19/11/2016 10:45

The punishment was not befitting of the heinous crime of eating a Smartie! I'd definitely have a word and explain that I think it was overly harsh and that a warning should have at least been given when handing out the smarties!

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 10:47

In addition, it doesn't matter one single iota if the child is usually always good.
Because if you give a rule and consequence and don't follow through, then you end up losing control of behaviour.

I hate it when I have to give a consequence to an otherwise good child and it does make me feel guilty, especially when they cry. But rules are rules. Everyone in the class needs to know it is fair, and that means the consequences are the same for everyone

Fairylea · 19/11/2016 10:48

Incredibly harsh! They're 4! He ate a smartie, ffs. Where is the compassion? Yes you might say not to eat them but this over one or two smarties, seriously? Cruel to be honest.

pointythings · 19/11/2016 10:49

I'd be asking why the heck they gave out the smarties - surely the sensible thing to do would have been not to put temptation in the kids' way by not giving the smarties until the biscuit making was complete? Really stupid of the nursery to handle it this way with such very young children.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 10:49

4 is not 'really young'

SolomanDaisy · 19/11/2016 10:51

Aw, your poor boy! I feel really sad for him. I'd definitely mention how upset he was. And I'd bake cookies with him this weekend too.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 19/11/2016 10:51

The issue seems to be that they didn't lay out the consequence until afterwards though. It's not fair, especially for a four year old.

I know that teachers tend to defend each other to the death, but it is ok to admit that teachers are not perfect and sometimes get it wrong. If the teacher decided the punishment afterwards then it's just a cruel thing to do. He carried on making the biscuit having no idea that eating the smartie would lead to it be taken away. It was handled badly.

Summerwood1 · 19/11/2016 10:53

I think you need to ask the teacher first to ask her version of events.

TeacherBob · 19/11/2016 10:55

The issue seems to be that they didn't lay out the consequence until afterwards though. It's not fair, especially for a four year old.

You don't know that because the poster hasn't even said. I am sure the rule was in place, it makes no place for it not to be.

I am not 'defending to the death'.
I am saying I would (and have) done the same thing and it is the right thing to do.

The rule/consequence was in place and was followed. This is a non-issue

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 19/11/2016 10:57

Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie.

Read the op, Bob.

EweAreHere · 19/11/2016 10:58

He's 4. Completely disproportionate and mean. Especially since the consequence wasn't explained up front.

Honestly, I'd have a real go at an adult for being so heavy handed and intentionally hurtful of such a little one. (I work in a primary school. We would NEVER do this to a 4 year old.)

I would have eaten a smartie. Just to make sure they were ok to put on my biscuit, of course...

Wonderingwoe · 19/11/2016 10:59

I would be fuming and asking why on earth he was allowed to carry on making it if they had the intention of not allowing him to have it
You deal with things at the time not after the event with children so that's ridiculous

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