To be so angry with nursery

[Rockingaround]

Hi all,
Not sure what to do, I only know that I'm so angry but not sure if I'm overreacting.

DS just turned 4 last weekend. I picked DS from his nursery (within primary school) yesterday. He started in September after being at pre school, his session is 8.45-11.45. His former and current teachers have said he's a really good boy, good at listening and following the rules etc

Anyway, at pick-up he was balling his eyes out, snotty, gasping - in a right state, in all honesty I have never seen him this upset.

One of the nursery staff said " We were making biscuits and none of the children ate a smartie except for DS so Miss X has decided he is not allowed a biscuit because of it".

After DS had calmed down he told me he'd eaten a smartie. They told him he wasn't allowed to eat it but he carried on making his biscuit. Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie. I asked if they'd warned him that would happen if he ate a smartie and he said no.

I couldn't speak to them at that moment as I was so angry, I'm thinking g of writing a letter....? What would you do?

I'm doing his birthday party today but I'll check back in later. Thank you

[Helloitsme87]

Haha what an overreaction from the nursery. I would have been fuming too. He's a kid. Put that stuff under their noses and they're gonna try and chance it. FYI I'm a prenachool teacher and we made chocolate biscuits. ALL my kids attempted to eat the sprinkles. It happens

[Rockingaround]

Oh and I mentioned that in terms of the smartie, 3&4 yr olds can't be expected to have strong impulse control and that I wasn't surprised a smartie was eaten ... She replied that she had studied child development and that she disagreed ...and I duly bit my tongue

[BakeOffBiscuits]

That went well

Let's hope she thinks twice next time she decides to "punish" a child so harshly. Also lets hope she's madly googling "impulse control in 4year olds" because she clearly does not have a clue.

[CarShare]

Well done OP. I get flustered with these kind of things too- it's great you made your point and stayed calm.

[BlackeyedSusan]

... and I worked with children and it is not surprising a smartie was eaten.. ffs it was difficult enough for me as the teacher not to eat the smarties.

some schools have become very harsh.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Well done op, she sounds like she's on some kind of a power trip, and really does not know much about child development as she would think! He's a preschooler fgs, not a 14 year old. I remember when I was 13 at school, I ate half the cake mixture, I still baked my cake and kept it fgs! He's 4 not 14!

[Aeroflotgirl]

She really does not know much about child development, and that children develop at different rates, some 4 year olds might have good impulse control, others might not. It's a smartie ffs, not an entire tray of cookies. Hell even some adults have bad impulse control like me and Maltesers.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I bet she was sat there in the staff room scoffing those smarties.,I hate the way government and education expect very young children to be like mini adults.

[ChaircatMiaow]

Well done OP. You stayed calm and handled the situation very well. Hats off to you

[ChocolateWombat]

Well, I'm glad you feel it was worth going in and it's all went much better than expected.
You say you were surprised when she agreed with you over something.....don't be surprised. You are actually on the same side and trying to achieve the same thing. Teachers don't always dig their heels in and insist every single thing they did was right or couldn't have been done differently.

I agree that children at this age often cry when they are in trouble - their reaction is sometimes to seem devastated by a reproving comment, whatever the tone or however it is said. Their devastation isn't always a sign that they have been harshly treated. And most of us have seen this reaction at home, huge huge upset, when we pick them up on something and they are in trouble.....because they do t like being in trouble and they like having their own way....it's how they are. OP says her son hasn't been in trouble before. Not quite sure what this means, but hopefully it doesn't mean he's never been told 'no' before or picked up on behaviour, or never seen consequences of actions before. And by this, I don't mean harsh horrible words or scolding or long drawn out punishments, but a constructive and firm word when required. It's the children who have never had boundaries or been picked up and followed through with, regarding behaviour at home, that particularly respond poorly to being picked up on things at school. This little lad is so small, that I'm sure his response to being in trouble was entirely normal and not a response to never having had any kind of boundaries or consequences before....but it is an issue with some children.
And one other thing that this makes me think of too, is how did OP react to events in front of her son? My approach has always been to sympathise with child, to remind them gently of what they did wrong,mbut to avoid direct criticism of the teacher in front of them (even if I feel it and need to go in and have a word) because they need to know that we support the teacher and that when they are in school again, the teachers position hasn't been undermined by our parental criticism.

All of this is a learning experience is put it....it's children learning how to manage in a group situation and where there are rules. It's a learning experience for parents who are having to let go and allow someone else's rules to be in place, rather than their own.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Letting a very young child bake his cookie and saying he can't have it at the end, seems too harsh and not good at all.

[Bettercallsaul1]

Well said, Wombat! You are definitely the peacemaker on this thread - and you make a lot of excellent points.

[petitpois55]

Well said Wombat One of the things I was uncomfortable with was the name calling and general demonising of the TA on this thread. Calling her mean spiteful, not fit to work with children etc is IMO over the top and hysterical. It can lead to a climate of fear and harassment aimed at individuals, as we've seen recently with the situation in the U.S with the class play.
I still think the staff member handled the situation correctly, and from what the OP related

in the conversation she had with her it sounds to me like she thought she was doing the right thing, and was simply humouring the OP. I'm glad Miss X didn't back down.

[CarShare]

It sounds like the conversation was productive and the OP found the opportunity to advocate for her son worthwhile. I disagree she was simply humouring the OP. If she was, and is unable to have a sensible conversation with a concerned parent, that reflects badly on her- not the OP.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

Glad you had a chat op and feel happier

Sounds like she agrees she over reacted - and I don't think she is the ogre many have made her out to be

But like womble I wonder if your ds has ever been told off and how he reacts ?