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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be so angry with nursery

340 replies

Rockingaround · 19/11/2016 10:05

Hi all,
Not sure what to do, I only know that I'm so angry but not sure if I'm overreacting.

DS just turned 4 last weekend. I picked DS from his nursery (within primary school) yesterday. He started in September after being at pre school, his session is 8.45-11.45. His former and current teachers have said he's a really good boy, good at listening and following the rules etc

Anyway, at pick-up he was balling his eyes out, snotty, gasping - in a right state, in all honesty I have never seen him this upset.

One of the nursery staff said " We were making biscuits and none of the children ate a smartie except for DS so Miss X has decided he is not allowed a biscuit because of it".

After DS had calmed down he told me he'd eaten a smartie. They told him he wasn't allowed to eat it but he carried on making his biscuit. Only at the end of the session when they were filling out the biscuits did they say he wasn't allowed to take his home because he'd eaten a smartie. I asked if they'd warned him that would happen if he ate a smartie and he said no.

I couldn't speak to them at that moment as I was so angry, I'm thinking g of writing a letter....? What would you do?

I'm doing his birthday party today but I'll check back in later. Thank you

OP posts:
GeorgeTheThird · 20/11/2016 18:53

Just one thing. At school he needs to follow the rules regardless of whether he understands the reasons for them or agrees with them. You need to be very clear on that, if you are an explaining and discussing type -there isn't time for that at school.

MsPrincessLeia · 20/11/2016 18:55

Oh Gosh, that sounds mean. The poor little soul is only four, for goodness sake. I would be 'Very Disappointed' with the Nursery. Good luck with the action you choose. (Also, if I was four I would SO have eaten that smartie).

usual · 20/11/2016 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Garofbalaxy · 20/11/2016 18:58

I'm really quite shocked at some of the responses on here. OP asked for help on an issue regarding nursery, not a critical assessment of her parenting. OP I have a 4 year old son, I also work in a preschool setting..I wouldn't dream of doing this to a child. My son is a human dustbin, putting a smartie in front of him would be pure torture. As a practitioner I either wouldn't have given the Smarties out till the end or I would've given 2..one for eating, one for decorating. If they ate both, they'd get no more and we'd have a word about "listening ears"..but the biscuit would still go home. Nursery is a play environment, I'm not there to parent your child..I'm there to nurture them and provide fun learning experiences. I know a few who work in childcare and like to lay down the law, but power trips over a 4 year old are not my style. If I had upset a child to the extent your boy seems to have been, I'd consider myself to have failed that day. Children learn through positive reinforcement, not fear and humiliation.

I wouldn't write a letter, but I'd definitely dig a bit deeper. The reason bad practice is allowed to continue is because too many people are scared to question it.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 20/11/2016 19:01

Only got to page 4, but I have a really badly behaved 4 year old who is having constant meltdowns at school. (August born - an entirely different issue).

I won't bore you to death with excuses for her behaviour (though there are mitigating circumstances) but a lot of it has to do with my shonky parenting, not setting strong enough boundaries and not giving consequences for tantrums or disobedience. (I was pregnant with her baby brother, then we moved to a different area 150 miles away thanks to DH's job, she lost out on nursery for 9 months and had to cope with a new house, new baby and loss of her beloved dog & I had severe PND. Added to which she developed an immune disorder meaning she was very poorly for a time and indulged as a result).

I really wish I had put much firmer boundaries in place and now at the age of 4, she is having to learn actions have consequences.

Fortunately her Reception teacher is really firm and takes no sh*t, even though not letting her play in the dressing up shop or whatever the consequence is, causes distress and anger.

A 4 year old who hasn't learned that bad actions have consequences, or have boundaries is a nightmare for parents and school alike and is much harder to fix. Looks like my DD will need to repeat her Reception year because her behaviour means she isn't benefiting from it in any way.

Even though I think the punishment may have been a bit harsh, I would still back the nursery up all the way. Don't learn the hard way. (I have 5 children btw and it's just one of them who has learnt that tantrums and not doing what she is told get her attention and her own way. Oh for a time machine!)

FrayedHem · 20/11/2016 19:02

Is moving him back to his first preschool an option? Is attendance at the school nursery linked to the admittance priortising in the primary school? I removed DS1 for a seemingly minor incident at his first preschool, but it spoke volumes as to how they were treating him. I don't think you will get anywhere with trying to discuss with the nursery, as it is clear Miss X likes to deal with things a certain way. I would remove my child and explain if asked, but not if they didn't.

niceglassofdrywhitewine · 20/11/2016 19:08

Meant to say 'fix' meaning it's much harder to sort out behaviour issues embedded and learnt by the age of 4.

I realise kids aren't broken before the pile-on begins. It's behaviour I am referring to, not the child...

Hereforthebeer · 20/11/2016 19:08

I am shocked at what people complaint about to teachers.

OP your son knew he shouldn't of eaten the smartie - what should have happened? What would you have thought was reasonable? It sounds like perhaps if the teacher had told him he shouldn't have eaten it with no consequences, that would have been fine? Don't fume. But if you feel you need to find out more information in a rational way.

If this was my child, I wouldn't raise it (but equally i wouldn't be fuming), he won't do it again, I bet he's not thought about it and i'm sure he's had a biscuit this weekend.

MelbourneClown03 · 20/11/2016 19:14

Taking away the biscuit was perhaps a bit harsh but let's not forget that out of the whole class, every other child managed to stick to the rules. That would tell me that the expection to not eat the smarties was communicated clearly and were reasonable.

Your son broke the rules of taking part in an otherwise enjoyable activity. You marching up to the school, pitch fork in hand sends the message to your son that he can break rules and you'll ride in to the rescue each time, not to mention you looking more than a little silly.

You need to communicate to your son that maybe Miss X's actions have upset him but Miss X makes the rules in her class and he needs to follow them. That's part of being in a class or group situation - you have to conform and you can't please yourself.

Ultimately, he is not of legal school age, so if their discipline methods do not fit with yours, take him out.

Saj1988 · 20/11/2016 19:19

Okay, what should have happened here is that when it was noticed that he had eaten a smartie at the wrong time, he was spoken to, told that he had done something wrong and why it was wrong and EITHER not be allowed to continue with the activity OR allowed to continue and be allowed to take his biscuit home. It seems very cruel to allow him to make it and then not allow him to have it, after all he is only 4 and at that age punishments are not always understood if they are delivered some time after the event as was the case here. You should definitely point this out to his teacher. Poor little chap, I feel very sorry for him.

Theverybestofheather · 20/11/2016 19:24

If the conversation doesn't go well with Miss X then I would be going straight to the head teacher with my concerns about this incident and others that I had witnessed. Miss X sounds like she's on a power trip.

Flumplet · 20/11/2016 19:27

Mean!!!! It's nursery education not child psychology sessions - of course one of them will eat a damn smarty! He's 4!!!

iminshock · 20/11/2016 19:30

Well we don't know exactly what happened but your description of his hysterical reaction would concern me.

In your other examples the teacher sound a bit of a dragon !

Potatoooooo · 20/11/2016 19:31

Teacherbob has got the wholllle world in his hands, he's got the whole wide world, in his hands .... Ha sorry couldn't resist Grin might have kids in the palm of your hands, but it certainly sounds like you don't have any of the parents.
Apparently teachers know best!!

ChocolateWombat · 20/11/2016 19:31

As always, take a deep breath and pause. Don't have a knee jerk reaction.
Don't rely purely on the description of events of a 4 year old child, but calmly and rationally, as an adult, politely seek clarification from the Nursery. Save you reaction and anger for if it is warranted. It might be, but there will probably be a simpler explanation. Simples!

petitpois55 · 20/11/2016 19:35

I can just imagne the conversation in the staff room if the OP speaks to the head about this. she will be ^that* parent forever more.Smile

Have you not given any thought to the fact that all the other children managed to follow the rules except your child OP? What's so special about him that he should bee singled out for special treatment?

tina363 · 20/11/2016 19:37

Its not about "if you don't want kids to eat smarties don't put them in front of kids". The smarties were part of the activity the child may have been told not to eat them. If he did he should have been brought away for a few minutes then asked would he like to join in again but this time he wont have a smartie like everyone else because he has eaten his. I think letting him make it then taking it away is very harsh. They should have at least took him away from the activity as soon as it happened. Speak to the teacher tomorrow.

Baileysagain · 20/11/2016 19:44

My DD went through a similar experience at school. They were giving out lollies and she was given a green one which she stopped for a pink one, but didn't ask first. The teacher told her as she didn't ask she couldn't have one and took it away from her. She came out of school crying and told me why, so did the teacher. I thought it had been handled badly and bought her a lolly afterwards to make up for it. It's an over reaction from an over zealous teacher!

BakeOffBiscuits · 20/11/2016 19:44

petit having worked in schools and nurseries, I know the OP certainly wouldn't be known as "that parent". I expect the other staff would be pleased someone had complained about Mrs X.

petitpois55 · 20/11/2016 19:49

Ok Bake off. I believe youSmile

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 20/11/2016 20:09

I wouldn't give a crap if I was "that parent" personally. Ensuring that my child is disciplined in a way that I feel comfortable with is far more important than being popular in the staff room Hmm.

I don't know why you keep banging on about special treatment petit. The OP has suggested nothing of the kind and any of us who use gentle parenting methods would have an issue with any four year being punished so harshly an hour after the incident and not even being made aware of the consequences in advance or even when it happened.

BakeOffBiscuits · 20/11/2016 20:17

I'm so pleased petit Smile

CherryCokeFairy · 20/11/2016 20:18

I'm sorry but that cookie is his and they had no right to withhold it from him, and because he ate a smartie? That's not what I would class as bad behavior... Children learn more when they are stimulated in extra ways - being able to eat a few smarties (shock horror more than 1) whilst baking will make the memory more memorable and good for him - its how they learn! so yes I would be furious.

Also... You can't punish a child 15/20 minutes after they have done something (especially something as minor as eating a smartie), it needs to be immediate. For example - taking your son away from the table and getting him to do something different because he didn't 'behave' during the task they were doing - actually letting him continue (after I imagine they did tell him off for eating the smartie in the first place) is incredibly cruel! He was looking forward to eating that cookie for the last half an hour and had completely forgotten about eating the smartie!

Personally if I was the nursery worker and they had a strict rule that they couldn't eat smarties during their task - I would have just said - sorry you can't have any more smarties on your cookie and remove them from his reach as temptation was clearly to much.... and let him use everything else instead such as icing and sprinkles etc

CasanovaFrankenstein · 20/11/2016 20:25

What lustre said!

MistressMerryWeather · 20/11/2016 20:28

Some of the arrogant, know it all posts on this thread are fucking cringe worthy. Blerg...

Anyway, OP I don't feel like YABU.

It's not going to make sense to a 4-year-old to let him carry on with his baking then announce he won't get his biscuit once it's all over and done with.

DS1's nursery was very big on explaining things and ensuring the children understood where they went wrong. It was all very positive, no actual punishments just natural consequences or being taken somewhere quiet to have a chat and a think.

All of the children responded really well to this and it was carried on into their first years at school.

Miss X hasn't handled this well at all.

Do you think maybe this nursery and their approach isn't for you and DS?