Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to make DD get up?

205 replies

SammieZoe · 17/11/2016 14:46

DD is 17, she is my 1st, so I have no idea if it's 'normal' behaviour.

She is learning from home, with a distance learning college, which is going okay. However, she goes to bed at 3 am and gets up at 12 pm. She does work hard when she gets up, but surely she should be getting up earlier? She has a cleaning job, but it's to clean schools (she does the after school cleaning) so she doesn't need to be up early for that either.

WWYD?

OP posts:
princesspineapple · 18/11/2016 05:37

You sound delightful. Hmm
I agree with everyone else, if she's getting things done then what's the problem? DP is another night owl, and when we were at uni he was practically nocturnal, came away with a 1st. He's now a fully functioning member of society, and perfectly capable of getting up at 5am for work now - because he needs to. But he recently had a fortnight off work to finish his chartership portfolio, and it was like having a teenager - 4am finishes, frozen pizzas at midnight, living in pj's... But it works for him!
Stop fighting your DD, she could be much worse!

HurricaneSwallows · 18/11/2016 06:03

Night owl here! I study late night hours and i prefer it to early morning. I am not a morning person. 2 dcs so I'm up now because I have to. No way would you see me near my uni work at this time of day!

She's doing everything she has to. She's not in school anymore OP. The whole point of online learning is that it's done in your own time

Shakey15000 · 18/11/2016 06:29

So OP, are you going to back off now that all but one poster thinks YABU?

Or are you going to continue being upset that she keeps different hours from you? Shrug it off.

Alexandriaaaa · 18/11/2016 06:49

I have never understood why people who get up early act like they're morally surprise to people who don't want to.

My in-laws are the worst for this. They are ludicrously early risers and love a good boast about how early they're up of a morning.

DH and I have always been night owls. We work long hours in very difficult, stressful jobs. At the weekends, before we had DD (who is now 2 so clearly these days are long gone) we could easily sleep till 11 but we would stay up together into the small hours, watching films etc. We had nothing to get up for, but for some reason it really annoyed the in-laws eg they'd phone us and we wouldn't answer because we were asleep. They thought we were lazy Hmm they still go on about it! "Oh, you did like your sleep before DD came along, hahaha" 😐

Alexandriaaaa · 18/11/2016 06:49

Morally superior*

Peanutandphoenix · 18/11/2016 08:01

So because it's your house and you no longer get any money for her you think she should get up early just because wow control freak much she is doing everything that she needs to do leave her to it. Oh and your whole society doesn't start at 12 bullcrap everyone works and sleeps a different way to you you would really love living with me I work nights 8-8 three nights a week and when am not in work because my body clock is stuck in night shift mode I stay up all night and sleep all day because there isn't enough time for me to sort out my body clock before I'm back in work again.

pointythings · 18/11/2016 08:47

Methinks OP has flounced... Grin

HarleyQuinzel · 18/11/2016 08:59

It's her home too OP.

Before DS I worked the late shift and often got up at midday. I have no trouble now getting up at 6:30 everyday. What is your concern?

SquirrelPaws · 18/11/2016 09:13

It would irritate the fuck out of me as well. But that doesn't mean there's anything actually wrong with it. She's fortunate to be able to do everything she needs to do, at a time that's in tune with her preferred sleeping patterns. She's working and studying, you should be very proud of her.

My DH would sleep until 12 if he could, and when he worked evenings he did. As it is, he gets up at 6.30 and is at his desk at 8. Your DD will as well when she needs to.

DaniBubbles · 18/11/2016 09:16

My mother was exactly the same, OP.

When I was at school, I had to be up and out of bed at 7am on weekends even if I had no reason to.
When I moved out to go to college, she would still call me between 6-7am to "make sure I was up".
When I got a nightshift job which meant I didn't get to my bed until 6.30am, she would wake me up at 10am because I'd "been sleeping all morning!"
This, and other controlling behaviors, means we have no contact at all now.

Lorelei76 · 18/11/2016 10:08

Squirrel, why would you find it irritating?

maxfielder20 · 18/11/2016 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ElizabethHoney · 18/11/2016 14:26

I agree with lots of the reassuring posts on here, that it sounds as if your daughter's got her her screwed on right, that the non-standard hours are not uncommon for that age, and that since she's managing to hold down a job and study, there's lots to be proud of and the night-owl tendency is not something to worry about.

Having said that, I would recommend just keeping an eye out for any sights of depression since there is a correlation between night-owl hours and depression. Not that strong a correlatlation though, so not something to be overly concerned about.

But what's taken me aback is what a hard time you're getting from so many posters!

Whilst 9-5 are universal hours, the majority of people who aren't on shift work, work mostly during the daytime (those on shift work mostly change between night and day, and few night-workers like working nights,not to mention all the scientific evidence that it's not good for health). And many of the most productive leaders of society get up early. So it's not strange that you'd be concerned.

And at 17, yes she's old enough to choose, but no, she's not so old that you should talk to her if you feel she's living her life in a way that won't help her. For goodness sake, even adults of mothers are entitled to gently give their opinion without having that kind of 'control freak' accusations that you've been getting.

You sound like a good mum, and I think your worrying is a sign of caring, not of control freakery. I don't think you need to worry though, and it sounds like you've done a good job raising a daughter with a good work ethic and self-discipline: I struggled to manage distance learning in my early 20s and certainly wouldn't have been self-disciplined enough at 17.

So please don't listen to those poster who are accusing you of all sorts. But it sounds like most of us, including them, agree on one thing - you should be proud of your daughter.

WankingMonkey · 18/11/2016 16:17

Society doesn't start work at 12, it's ridiculous!

Depends on the job really. I have had a job that started at 8.30am every weekday (office). I have had jobs that start at 12 or later (bars). And also one particularly gruelling job where my shift tended to start around 8-10pm (care home)

I really do not see the issue here at all. Having said that, my mother used to be a lot like you. I was working til after midnight, and she would wake me up at 7am for no reason other than she had to be up at that time and didn't like me to 'sleep all day' despite her being wrapped in bed hours before I even finished work. I always thought it was just petty.

Tink06 · 18/11/2016 17:21

I'm not going to give you a hard time. My teenagers keep the same hours and it irritates me slightly. I don't expect them up early but when one almost overlaid for a lunchtime driving lesson it slightly irritated me. It also seems like a waste of a day to me but thats my problem. My advise is let it go though. You need to pick your battles and as long as she is getting her work done just ignore it. She sounds like 99% of kids her age ☺

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 18/11/2016 22:32

I commented on this yesterday to say that I like my children up early, even the older ones are naturally early risers but now having read your comments OP it just sounds like you have an issue with your DD. Maybe you need to try to find the real reason that she evokes this feeling in you. I no longer think it's the sleeping issue. Talk to her. I think you need to.

SilverNightFairy · 20/11/2016 09:56

Op. You would lose your rag with my entire family. On the weekends none of us rise before 10 am. We have been known to slink out for brunch at 1 pm on a Sunday. We are all night people and get things going around 7pm.

MmmFacon · 20/11/2016 10:40

She sounds lovely, hard working and responsible, just with a different body clock to you.

YABU.

gavel

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl · 20/11/2016 10:55

SammieZoe You sound like my mother. She used to angrily make noise to wake me up from 8 AM for no reason. I HAD to be awake from 8 AM, just because I HAD to. It used to drive me crazy.

She now think I HAVE to come back to live near her, I HAVE to take a low paid 9-5 job (she sends me offers, even if I have a really well paying job), because people HAVE to live where they grew up. It gives me the rage.

I am never a part of the equation when it comes to how I should live life...

All she got out of this is that I ran away as far as I could from her as soon as I could and tell her the least I can about my life...

alphabook · 20/11/2016 10:56

You sound just like my mum. I was a night owl, used to study in bed, didn't like going out much. None of that affected her but she's quite controlling and couldn't comprehend why anyone would ever do anything differently to how she would do it. As a result we still don't have a particularly good relationship. It made/makes me sad that we don't have that bond that I see other mums and daughters have, and I feel sad for your daughter.

FWIW, when I started working full time I adapted to the early starts pretty quickly, so the idea of getting up early as "preparation" for the working world is ridiculous. And as I got older I naturally became more of a morning person anyway.

alltouchedout · 20/11/2016 11:05

You sound a bit like my mum, who had a weird fixed belief that the routine she followed was the only normal one and anyone wanting to do things differently was wrong and deficient and must be changed. Pull your head out and stop being so daft.

Bunnyhipsdontliegrl · 20/11/2016 11:16

Damned, I read the rest of your posts, does my mother have a 17 years old daughter she didn't tell about?

I never had enough friends, I was too lazy (I was studying law), I was watching too much TV, I made her lose child benefits (she made me pay rent and bills/food. Even when I visited her after I left house, I had to pay her money in addition to pay the train tickets -she never came to see me), she was spiteful with me for no reason....

She is quite a lonely woman now (she was then but she had me to torture look after ). Honestly, for your own good and your relation with your daughter, react now OP. You are in the wrong and it will come back to bite you in the Arse.

Damn, I have mummy issues I have to deal with, don;t I

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 20/11/2016 11:26

In in my forties and doing a distance learning course

Those are exactly the hours I keep on the days I don't get up at 7am to go to my day job. Studying in the small hours is perfect, I'm always surprised everyone doesn't do it. The house is quiet, our internet is faster there are fewer distractions. ( and it's better for the household too, no one has to tiptoe around you because yours studying.)

You sound just like my bloody mother. Obsessed with everyone doing things on her schedule regardless of how practical it is.

I couldn't WAIT to move out.

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 20/11/2016 11:29

Xposting. Good grief. There are loads of us.

How sad.

user1467976192 · 20/11/2016 11:29

My partner does this he works the afternoon shift so will go to bed well after midnight and get up around 10.30-11.00 I have no problem with this. If I am off work or on an evening shift I get a morning to myself

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread