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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband in hospital AIBU to not want MIL to come and stay?

139 replies

Mootle72 · 15/11/2016 23:53

Hi,
After a couple of very difficult days with my Husband being unwell he got to the point where I had to take him to A & E. He is being admitted and is having an op. I am very worried about him and trying to keep it together. My MiL is lovely but very needy and always thinks the worst, I have already had to calm her down over the phone. She lives about 2 hours away. AIBU to not want her to come and stay just yet?

It is not that I want to stop her seeing him or anything like that, it is just that it is taking all my effort to stay calm and not burst into tears without having to deal with anyone else. No one in my family lives here, nor do any of my husband's family, so there is no one else she could stay with, and equally no one who can support me. I know she wants to help so so really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 15/11/2016 23:59

Depends. Does she want to help or does she want someone to worry with? The latter might help her but definitely not you!

PNGirl · 15/11/2016 23:59

Sorry, meant to add I hope your husband is ok.

EveryDayIsASchoolDay · 16/11/2016 00:02

I'm sorry for your situation op Flowers I hope your DH's op goes well.
It's a difficult situation with your Mil. In one way it might be good for you both to have company but I totally get that you don't want to be needed to mother her. Good luck op xx

SemiNormal · 16/11/2016 00:03

I think YABU I'm afraid. If you were in hospital and one of your parents wanted to come stay and your DH wouldn't have them there how would you honestly feel? I do get why you don't want her there, really I do, but she's his mum and she obviously is worried and upset too.

Lunar1 · 16/11/2016 00:03

He's her child and she's two hours away. I'd ask her to stay.

OlennasWimple · 16/11/2016 00:03

Sorry to hear about your DH

I'm in two minds on this one - I understand that you are stressed, and don't need any additional concerns right now, but... He is her son.... I get why she wants to be there for him

Greengoddess12 · 16/11/2016 00:05

Just be there together for your dh.

Graphista · 16/11/2016 00:07

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable.

That's her child and it sounds like he's pretty seriously ill, if I were him I'd want my mum near by and if I were here I'd be at the hospital!

Original poster
Mootle72 · 16/11/2016 00:08

I think he will be ok, and he certainly will do better now he is in hospital - stubborn git that he is wouldn't let me take him last night. But it has the potential to be very serious, which I haven't told him or her.

MiL is the type who thinks a headache is a brain tumour. She says she wants to help (we have two dogs) but really she wants to come and panic and be told by me that it is all ok. I also can't be arsed to clean to her standards at the moment either. I know I must be coming across as a right bitch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mootle72 · 16/11/2016 00:13

I know I should ask her to come down, and I will but I am really overwhelmed at the moment and if I go to pieces she will be convinced that he is dying (which he isn't).

There is also the problem that he has a bad infection and she has a compromised immune system, so I also don't want her to come and get ill herself

OP posts:
MissVictoria · 16/11/2016 00:13

It is your house, and ultimately your choice. I'd personally hold off for now, assuming its a routine type of operation and not exploratory/serious. But IF there's a complication, it's found to be more serious than first thought, etc, then extend an offer for her to come stay. If she wants to be closer to her son and she's adamant she coming you don't have to let her stay with you, you are allowed to say no, she can choose to stay locally in a premier inn or similar. If her being in the house, especially if she'll be bosy and over reacting and dramatising, will genuinely stress you out too much, you are allowed to put yourself second (hubby first) and say no.

EveOnline2016 · 16/11/2016 00:18

It's your home and you don't have to open it up to anyone.

There is always hotels and B&B.

Original poster
Mootle72 · 16/11/2016 00:21

It isn't so much her being in the house, it is more that for me to keep positive when I see him I need some mental space, at least until we know how long he is in for. She is quite highly strung and even driving to see us normally, gets her worked up. There are no hotels nearby and I couldn't ask her to stay in one anyway, it wouldn't be fair. I know she wants to see him and is worried, but her being in a state and potentially making herself ill isn't going to help him.

OP posts:
NightWanderer · 16/11/2016 00:22

I'd wait. She hasn't asked to come and stay so don't offer.

Floralnomad · 16/11/2016 00:26

I would go with the infection being dangerous for her line , if necessary tell her that you spoke to one of the nurses and they said it was best for someone with compromised immunity to not visit until the infection is under control .

Original poster
Mootle72 · 16/11/2016 00:34

Thanks. She has offered to come and I'm sure in the light of day I'll tell her to (not that I expect she will be any practical help). I am generally seen/expected to be the calm, sensible one and most of the time I am. I just don't want to end up losing my temper with her and hurting her feelings. And not knowing how he is is keeping me up stressing about it all.

OP posts:
Greengoddess12 · 16/11/2016 00:37

Hope things get better for you all soon op. Flowers

ILoveAutumnLeaves · 16/11/2016 00:39

I really think you'd be best off telling her she CAN'T stay as he is too infectious, she can't visit him and you can't be worried about bringing germs home from the hospital, but that it'll be great to see her when he's not so ill. Promise to update her as soon as you have any news you think she can deal with

WinterIsHereJon · 16/11/2016 00:40

I think it depends what's wrong with him and the possible implications. Sorry you're having such a hard time Flowers

Original poster
Mootle72 · 16/11/2016 00:47

Thank you. I know it is selfish but sometimes I do wish that some one would look after me for a change. Being an adult really sucks

OP posts:
FannyFog · 16/11/2016 01:54

I'm really sorry your husband is so ill and I have everything crossed for a speedy and complete recovery. How worried and frazzled you must be. Not wanting to add to that but, as a mum of grown children myself, I honestly think you are being unreasonable in wanting MIL to stay away at this time. You're coming across a bit selfish, understandable you don't want any additional stress but not only are you saying you don't want her in your house but not even in a hotel nearby. That really sucks. Your MIL gave birth to your DH - he's her child and always will be. She may indeed go to pieces but she's just as entitled to do that as you are to have trouble holding it together.

I don't know if you have children but, if you do, try and imagine how you'd feel if someone tried to keep you away from them if they we're in hospital and about to undergo surgery. Some might say oh but it's different when they're young children but actually it's not, no matter how old and independent they get, that feeling doesn't change. Nothing would stop me being there, if I wasn't welcome in my DIL's home, I'd book into a hotel and camp out in the hospital waiting room all day if necessary.

clarabartlett · 16/11/2016 02:32

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Lucy7400 · 16/11/2016 03:29

Reported the weird post.

Back to OP. Yes invite her. You will be causing fewer issues by doing so. I hope he gets well soon.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/11/2016 04:21

I would definitely go for the infectious line too. You can also tell her that you're concerned your house will also be infectious for a while yet and you just don't have the energy to get it clean for her. Stomach vinous infections can last for 2 weeks, I don't know about what your dh has.

Then I'd organise a cleaner to come in as a one off asap. They can normally do it within a couple of days. And have her over once that's done. It'll give you the space to collect your thoughts, come to terms with the situation and by then I assume dh will have had the operation.

Wishing you strength and your dh well.

Goodythreeshoes · 16/11/2016 04:22

I'm afraid wild horses wouldn't keep me away from seeing my grown up child if he were to end up in hospital. You can certainly mention the infection risks to MIL, but chances are your warnings will fall on deaf ears!

I do understand how you feel however about inviting her into your home while you're feeling so anxious. I find that I cope better with stressful situations if I'm just left alone to get on with things but maybe on this occasion a little bit of hand holding would be the kindest thing to do. I doubt very much your housekeeping will be under too much scrutiny!

It's a horrible time for all of you and I really hope the operation goes well for your DH and he's back home with you soon.

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