Husband in hospital AIBU to not want MIL to come and stay?

[Mootle72]

Hi,
After a couple of very difficult days with my Husband being unwell he got to the point where I had to take him to A & E. He is being admitted and is having an op. I am very worried about him and trying to keep it together. My MiL is lovely but very needy and always thinks the worst, I have already had to calm her down over the phone. She lives about 2 hours away. AIBU to not want her to come and stay just yet?

It is not that I want to stop her seeing him or anything like that, it is just that it is taking all my effort to stay calm and not burst into tears without having to deal with anyone else. No one in my family lives here, nor do any of my husband's family, so there is no one else she could stay with, and equally no one who can support me. I know she wants to help so so really don't know what to do.

*Previous post addressed to Chattymummy.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all OP. If someone comes to stay at this time it should be to offer mutual support, not so one can calm the other.

For what it's worth, as an immunocompromised person myself I wouldn't put myself at risk visiting someone with an infection requiring hospitalisation.

Perhaps suggest waiting until DH is out of the woods and home and then she can visit without risk to herself or flapping too much.

Hope ge is better soon

Let's put this into perspective, using the facts as we know them. Firstly, the OP's husband is not seriously ill. Her post on Wed 16-Nov-16 07:30:21 confirms that he's absolutely fine and the doctors are not concerned about his wellbeing. The OP is just in a bit of shock, because had he not gone to hospital, there might have been more serious consequences. The only 'seriousness' here, therefore, is in the mind - the inevitable 'what iffing' that we all do when something like this happens.

Therefore the comments about 'concern' and 'worry' at 'serious illness' and the need for a dramatic flight to the bedside to mop the fevered brow with maternal fondness need to be put in some context. And that context is: a DH who is fine, but post-operative and OP who has been through an ordeal. She was in A&E for hours, she is naturally tired and stressed. The mother's worries are natural, of course, as well. But as far as we know, there is no need for overprotective panic here.

In the circumstances, then, it's natural the mother wants to see her son, and also natural that the DIL is very tired, and stressed handling being a lone parent for a bit (which can be REALLY tough). It is not unreasonable to think there are compromises that can be made here to minimise the impact on the DIL while still allowing the MIL to see her son.

"Therefore the comments about 'concern' and 'worry' at 'serious illness' and the need for a dramatic flight to the bedside to mop the fevered brow with maternal fondness need to be put in some context."

I think just sums up how some people on this thread think about the mothers of adult sons. No more to be said, really.

I completely understand where you're coming from OP but you seem to have agreed that it's the right thing to have her come stay. Hopefully now that you've had some sleep the thought isn't too daunting anyway, but it is a stressful time for all concerned and I would make sure you plan some time for yourself while MIL is staying - tell her you're tired so having an early night and just spend some time in your room where you can have a bit of thinking space, if there are two visiting slots (and she is able to visit given her own health risks) suggest that you do one each so you get some time away from each other and you can get a break away from the hospital knowing that someone is with DH. If she offers to help, tell her that she can help with tidying/cleaning as its slipped a bit with DH being ill and it's not a priority right now. It will make her feel useful too and if she has impossibly high standard she likely enjoys cleaning or at least doesn't hate it.

I hope your DH is on the mend and will soon be home.

Not mothers in general, but this mother in particular. OP's original post said " My MiL is lovely but very needy and always thinks the worst, I have already had to calm her down over the phone."

How EXACTLY is that helpful or unselfish behaviour - to burden someone else with your worries and needs? The OP is doing a great job of being caring - and clearly runs around after this woman a lot. I think she mentioned a 300 mile round trip to take her to a doctor's appointment? Is it so much to ask that the MIL shows some consideration in return?

Glad you're having the mil down op.
Hope your dh has a speedy recovery,
It's always stressful when our loved ones are ill.
Do you have any friends nearby who you could have a hour out with whilst mil is with your dh so you can have a bit of time to destress?

Some of these poSts really made me sad ( not the op's as i
Can understand she said it whilst stressed and exhausted).
You don't stop being someone's child when you get married.
I would never stop dh's parents coming down if he was ill.
If i found out he stopped my family from coming down ( like he could, he would not stop mine) if i was ill i'd be livid.
We're all family. not just dh and i.
They certainly wouldn't be guests in my house. They're family.
I'm not a pita mil either.

YANBU.
It would be the very last thing I would want while trying to keep things going at home and worrying about dh.
I completely shut people out and want to be alone when I'm worried and stressed and I wouldn't want someone else in my space the whole time.
Difficult one though as if she wants to come you will look bad if you say no.
If it's not serious why would she need to come?

I'm disappointed about the lack of interest in other people's point of view here.

Describing other people's attitudes as 'callous' and 'chilling' doesn't help people explain why they feel as they do.

Some people need much more alone time than others, and generally get less than they need when they have children, work and a DP. That's fine, they manage. Add in stress and hospital time and it gets hard to cope.

To have an extra person in the house when you desperately need space to regroup is going to be much harder for some than others.

When my DM has stayed for a couple of days- and yes, she is a guest/visitor as she doesn't usually live here (and wouldn't be able to find a tea bag despite needing a cup in her hand at all times- just half a cup dear, decaff, just a drop of milk oh perhaps I'll have coffee if it's that kind of milk), I'm exhausted and fit for nothing after she has gone. That is without any extra stress and pressure. If your relationship with your DMs and MILs is different, then great! Enjoy it!
But don't tell other people that they are callous and chilling.

Strike through fail.

Totally agree with you pklme

I often read MIL threads on MN with interest, as they often end up with people saying how awful and possessive DILs are and that they think all ties should be severed. Just to share a different perspective, my bad relationship with my MIL is a source of real anguish for me. I have had a few boyfriends in the past and I have always had good relationships with their mums. I haven't felt competitive or jealous as clearly the relationship a man has with his mum is very different to the one he has with his partner. Those mums all treated me with warmth and seemed genuinely pleased that I made their sons happy.
My DHs mum is completely different. She can't stand other women full stop, and was outright nasty from the offset to the point it caused me to suffer with depression which I still have. DH says she has bad-mouthed all his and his brothers girlfriends and told them all not to bother with women because they are just trouble. She actively tried to drive me away from him when I was pregnant. DH is so frightened of the backlash if we brought this up some time later that we just try not to spend too much time with her but it eats me up inside every time I see her, particularly when I see her with my DD as she has caused DH and I so much pain, and is such a manipulative person that I can't believe she could treat us like that and I am expected to just act like nothing has happened because bringing it up now would cause a huge fallout. I would LOVE a friendly MIL who wants to be involved in our lives in a non-critical way. I see these posts about how DILs today are so awful and I actually feel a bit bitter because I fit the cliche of disliking my MIl but I would love some help with DD, and to have a MIL who I could spend time with whilst DH is at work.

Unless she is an unpleasant woman I think you need to let her stay, just until your husband is out of the woods. However I do understand where you're coming from.
Hope he's better soon x

Totally agree with pklme