Husband in hospital AIBU to not want MIL to come and stay?

[Mootle72]

Hi,
After a couple of very difficult days with my Husband being unwell he got to the point where I had to take him to A & E. He is being admitted and is having an op. I am very worried about him and trying to keep it together. My MiL is lovely but very needy and always thinks the worst, I have already had to calm her down over the phone. She lives about 2 hours away. AIBU to not want her to come and stay just yet?

It is not that I want to stop her seeing him or anything like that, it is just that it is taking all my effort to stay calm and not burst into tears without having to deal with anyone else. No one in my family lives here, nor do any of my husband's family, so there is no one else she could stay with, and equally no one who can support me. I know she wants to help so so really don't know what to do.

I think it's fine for mil to stay in a hotel or b&b. Yes it's her son but it's his wife who is the one who has been looking after him forcing him to hospital and dealing with his doctors etc it's fine for the op to want to come home to her own house and be able to completely let go rather than worrying about a guest.

I could never stay with my mil we are complete opersits and it just wouldn't work, fine if the mil wants to visit her son but that doesn't mean she has to stay in the house.

Remember the op will be next of kin and needs to be able to keep her sensible smart head on her should she need to deal with issues where consent is needed that her husband cannot give not the mil.

Just because you gave birth to someone doesn't always make you the most important person in their life, I wouldn't want my husband feeling like he had to let my mum stay in our house just because I was in hospital and I would also prefer his visits to hers.

I sympathise Op. My husband had a bad accident a couple of years ago and ended up in hospital for a month. MIL is also quite an anxious person (also living 2 hours away!) who had lived a very sheltered life and was understandably desperate for reassurance. I was in a state as I had two young children, no other support and working FT and it felt like the final straw to have to deal with MIL too...

In the end, I took a day off and got a babysitter for the children and went down to MIL's house to bring her back on the train so organised taxi firms at either end, got her on the train, showed her how to get to the hospital etc and the nurses explained visiting hours. She was always welcome to come round to our house after visiting DH, and was welcome to stay if she wanted to. I tried to help her see DH as much as she wanted but without meaning that I was running myself ragged trying to add in driving and carrying her around as well.

She grew in confidence and I didn't go mad... Win/Win

Why does she have to stay ? She could drive down and visit in the afternoon, maybe stay for tea, and drive hone again. It's only 2 hours away , not a different continent.
I hope your DH is well again soon

I get how you feel OP. I'm hoping I won't have to deal with something like this as MIL can be a drama queen, needy and like a child in that she seems incapable of getting stuff sorted for herself and would rather other people do it for her and feed her baby steps on how to get something done. I don't think she likes being independent at all. In your situation, it would be the last thing I would need and it seems the same for you. Your focus is your husband.

However, he is her son so thinking about it from my point of view being the mother of and son, I'd be straight there and no one could tell me not to. But then I'm a capable adult who can sort themselves out and wouldn't want to burden a DIL with my woes so I guess it can depend on the person.

"
Why does she have to stay ? She could drive down and visit in the afternoon, maybe stay for tea, and drive hone again. It's only 2 hours away , not a different continent. "
Blimey.

itsmine it is a guest to the op it's not her mum.

Anyway I would class my family as guests in my house anyway since they don't live here.

To me, anyone other than DH and the DC staying in my house is a Guest. That includes my own parents! And it's exacerbated when it's your partner's parents IME.....

Some of the replies here are chilling and say a lot about modern family life but not in a good way.

OP, I hope your husband is having a better day to day and if not already on the mend he's at least feeling a bit more comfortable.

They're only chilling if you're a MIL who is a PITA. If the MIL in question was able to come, look after the kids, help around the house and generally be a ray of sunshine, I'm sure the OP would be begging her to come.

It's a shame that this is turning into a MIL thread- sorry OP.

But people do seem to be forgetting, in a way that the OP most definitely hasn't that we're talking about the mil's son here. She might find being nanny/housekeeper and "general ray of sunshine" a bit tricky.

If you're still reading, OP, can I repeat my earlier suggestions. If possible a friend or sister or someone staying too to help defuse the panicky dynamic. Or you being very firm about having incredibly early nights- head for your room immediately after dinner to recharge your batteries.

Another here who is hoping the OP's DH is improving.

Bertrand, this is the quintessential MIL thread, it couldn't be anything else really could it? You are absolutely right that OP needs to get some kind of 'buffer' companion if she can.

What it boils down to for me is the 'possession' and 'control' issue that so many MN DILs seem to have (not suggesting for one second that this applies to the OP because I think she is genuinely trying to do what's best for all concerned) re their spouses. They seem to regard their MILs in the light of ex-gfs i.e. you're done, move on, he's mine all mine now.

Love isn't a quantifiable or finite resource in that our partners can't truly love us unless they stop loving others who have been important to them before. It's also not a resource parents can turn on or off at will. MILs don't think "Whew, that's a relief, DC is married now, my work here is done. I can now consign any feelings of concern or care to the sole ownership of DIL/SIL."

OP, another thing occurs to me here, you say this has the potential to become more serious, sincere hopes it does not btw, so, if your MIL is likely to find the current status quo difficult to handle how much more difficult is she likely to find it to cope if your DH's condition does worsen? Isn't she even more likely to go to to pieces and do you really need to have to deal with that at a time when you are finding it even harder to hold it together yourself? I think that makes it even more important that you 'handle' her neediness now while it's still manageable.

"But people do seem to be forgetting, in a way that the OP most definitely hasn't that we're talking about the mil's son here. She might find being nanny/housekeeper and "general ray of sunshine" a bit tricky."

Because all that - and dealing with the kids on her own - is easy for the OP?

It's really simple for both sides: be nice, be helpful, don't be demanding, don't be a pain, and you'll be welcome at times of gladness and times of trouble. Be flappy, hysterical, exhausting, and demand to be waited on hand and foot and expect to be excluded when energy is limited and the chips are down.

Just out of interest: this always seems to be more of an issue with MILs of sons than it is with MILs of daughters. There's definitely more of a dynamic of "I MUST SEE MY SON" than there is "I MUST SEE MY DAUGHTER!". Perhaps that speaks volumes about the relative amounts of emotional and supportive work that sons and daughters do within the family? It might just be the best argument yet for mothers to raise properly feminist sons.

They're only chilling if you're a MIL who is a PITA*

I don't agree.

I'm very far removed from being a pain the arse MIL and I stand by what I said - some of the replies on this thread are chilling and a terrible reflection on modern day family life.

*Just out of interest: this always seems to be more of an issue with MILs of sons than it is with MILs of daughters. There's definitely more of a dynamic of "I MUST SEE MY SON" than there is "I MUST SEE MY DAUGHTER.

Can I ask what you base that observation on? Which to be honest is a lot of nonsense.

"But people do seem to be forgetting, in a way that the OP most definitely hasn't that we're talking about the mil's son here. She might find being nanny/housekeeper and "general ray of sunshine" a bit tricky."

Because all that - and dealing with the kids on her own - is easy for the OP?"

Of course not. I would expect it to be equally difficult for both of them.

Not really equally difficult.

One is running the family home, sorting kids, dealing with doctors.

The other only has to worry about the person who is actually sick.

Massive difference in stress levels.

I base that observation on the concept of 'wifework' - the idea that emotional, caring labour tends to fall disproportionately within many families on women.

Many sons don't seem to be taking that much responsibility for the relationship with their mothers. They seem to be relying on wives to act as a kind of gateway and buffer, protecting them from the need to have difficult conversations, to set boundaries, as well as from the need to devote time and energy to all sorts of other activities that maintain relationships, be that buying presents or sorting out family meet-ups, or even something as mundane as organising the shopping, cooking and washing for a family visit.

I would argue that this places both MIL and DIL in an awkward and difficult position that is almost bound to lead to tension. I also think that, in really toxic cases, it can lead to weird, unhealthy forms of competition/belittling behaviour.

Educating sons to do half the housework, and to do their own emotional labour on relationships might therefore be a way of avoiding these dynamics. Not automatically expecting another woman to carry you is another. Surely the elegant thing to do would be to check with the son and DIL whether a visit would be welcome, then to come by taxi and train and check into a hotel. Such is the behaviour of an independent and strong woman capable of making her own decisions, no?

Shovetheholly - isn't that a reflection of what you see here where the majority of posters are DILs rather than SILs? In real life you'd have more of an equitable picture.

I have both, DIL and SIL, it would break my heart to think either of them considered me less important to my DC than they are to their own parents and that their sense of territorialism would lead them to push me away in a situation like this. I would equally have strong words for my DC if their attitude to their PIL was anything like as hostile and unwelcoming as some I read about here.

And no, the work involved in being a sole parent with a partner in hospital is by no means the same as the work involved in being an independent relative who has, by the very nature of a visit, been able to park everyday life for a bit. Both women might be equally emotionally worried, but the childcare burden of a lone parent is a huge one.

fanny - No, I think it's a genuine issue of gender imbalance in society. Survey after survey shows that even where women are working equal or greater waged hours to men they are STILL doing more housework.

You misunderstand me.

The suggestion was that that the MIL concerned should be nanny/housekeeper and a general ray of sunshine. I pointed out that she might find that a bit tricky while her son is seriously ill. Just as the OP would while her dp is seriously ill.

I do find the implication that somehow you have to stop being your son's mother on his marriage deeply depressing. The OP asked, very sensibly, for ways to make a difficult situation easier. And lots of people have come in with helpful ideas. I don't think that suggesting ways to trick her into not visiting, of how to tell her she's not welcome or suggestions that it would be OK for her to do a 4 hour round trip every time she wants to visit are particularly helpful. And are certainly not what the OP was asking for.

Some MILs also have additional, family, home and work related pressures to juggle in times of stress and upset, we're not all sitting comfortably in a carefree retirement bubble with nothing to think about but the bowling club schedule and our embroidery. Please.