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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband in hospital AIBU to not want MIL to come and stay?

139 replies

Mootle72 · 15/11/2016 23:53

Hi,
After a couple of very difficult days with my Husband being unwell he got to the point where I had to take him to A & E. He is being admitted and is having an op. I am very worried about him and trying to keep it together. My MiL is lovely but very needy and always thinks the worst, I have already had to calm her down over the phone. She lives about 2 hours away. AIBU to not want her to come and stay just yet?

It is not that I want to stop her seeing him or anything like that, it is just that it is taking all my effort to stay calm and not burst into tears without having to deal with anyone else. No one in my family lives here, nor do any of my husband's family, so there is no one else she could stay with, and equally no one who can support me. I know she wants to help so so really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
BakeOffBiscuits · 16/11/2016 08:55

If and when she does come down I'd be very honest with her and tell her you are extremely tired and stressed, as she must be and would really appreciate it if you both kept positive about everything.
So then if she starts catrosphising you can nip it in the bud with "yes I understand that but let's just keep it all in protective and try to be positive".

Hope your DH gets better soon Flowers

BakeOffBiscuits · 16/11/2016 08:56

*prospective

Quimby · 16/11/2016 09:03

"If I were in hospital and my dh deliberately contrived to keep my mum away and put her off staying it would rock the very foundations of my marriage. She is his MUM. "

Exactly. Woman in hospital through illness or giving birth? "He needs to stop being so self centred and realise this isn't about him. Your needs come first"

Husband in hospital "ultimately it's your house so your decision.maybe just feed her some line to keep her away."

diddl · 16/11/2016 09:05

I feel for you Op.

When my PFB was very prem somehow MIL made it all about her.

I'd let her stay, but she'd get bloody short shrift if she tried that nonsense again!

Hope that your husband is soon on the mend & that MIL's visit isn't too stressful.

BertrandRussell · 16/11/2016 09:06

OP- do you have anyone who can come and stay with you as well-a sibling or a friend-who can take the pressure off you a bit? Or who could come over in the evenings to stop it being just you and your MIL? I did something similar for a friend of mine once- I went over on the pretext of dog walking and stayed to do a bit of tidying and stuff. An extra person defused the panicky dynamic a bit. Otherwise invite her but be very clear that you need very early nights indeed at the moment, and take yourself off to your room as soon after dinner as you can. That way you'll get a bit of headspace. I do hope all goes well.

Penfold007 · 16/11/2016 09:08

Mootle what does your DH want?
My DM has a compromised immune system and hospitals are her worst enemy. Her consultant has actually told her no hospital visits etc, I do her infusions at home. We've had the very tricky situation recently where dad was hospitalised with an infection. She insisted on going to the hospital, staff asked her to leave as the risks are just too high.
Hope your DH is soon feeling better.

ohtheholidays · 16/11/2016 09:19

Your not being selfish Mootle it's hard being the one that has to run around and look after and comfort everyone else all the time!

I know it will feel impossible right now but make sure you try and take some time for you whilst all this is going on even if it's just 30 minutes or an hour in the evening when you can read or watch some tv before you go to bed.

If it was me I'm with you I wouldn't want to invite her to stay,but it sounds like your going to have to at least invite her ,but I would tell her about the chest infection because the last thing you all need is for your poor MIL to get ill as well.

I know you've said you have no one living near you but do you have people you can ring,text for some support?Maybe when it's all getting a bit much with your MIL.

I hope your DH is getting better and is back home with you soon Flowers

ExcuseMyEyebrows · 16/11/2016 09:29

Your MIL is on the next ring out.

How on earth can you think that JellyBabiesSaveLives? She is his mother ffs!

AnneElliott · 16/11/2016 09:33

I get how you feel op. When DH was ill, somehow I had to support absolutely everyone else.

MIL did make it about her and I've never forgotten the night in ICU when she insisted I leave ( nurse was happy for me to stay) as "she couldn't leave me to get home on my own". When i was 22 with a full time job and knew how to use public transportHmm

And it got worse when he came home, although luckily she lives close enough not to have to stay.

Sometimes you need to look out for yourself. Hope he gets better soon.

mickeysminnie · 16/11/2016 09:34

I came on to say the same as BertandRussell. I think a third party might diffuse the situation.

mickeysminnie · 16/11/2016 09:35

Forgot to say, hope your husband gets well soon.

Helenluvsrob · 16/11/2016 09:37

OP just flip the situation. However " difficult" you might be as a MIL, your son is seriously ill, I'd hope your ( and my) DIL would be supportive and have me to stay in these circumstances

user1471950254 · 16/11/2016 09:39

Wishing him a speedy recovery OP and hoping you get some sleep and rest at this difficult time FlowersFlowersFlowers

shovetheholly · 16/11/2016 09:41

IF you DH wants to see her - and only if (there are plenty of men who find a visit from a stressy mother unwelcome at a time when they are struggling) I would maybe grin and bear it for a night.

HOWEVER, I would absolutely not go out of your way. Your energy is too valuable right now to spend time fussing over a house guest. You are allowed simply to say 'Look, the house is in chaos, I'm up to my ears, we'll be getting takeaway, and I don't have any mental space to wait on guests so you'll need to help yourself to tea and coffee'. And really, really DON'T adjust your routine. If you need time and space, you don't have to entertain her - you can go lie down, just as you would on your own.

RB68 · 16/11/2016 09:44

My view would be let her come and hand her the cleaning stuff as you "don't have time at the moment and it would be really helpful" and just work around it - go to bed early if you have to - will do you good anyway to do that. I understand its not easy but life isn't is it

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/11/2016 09:46

I imagine op would feel more sanguine about having her MIL to stay if her MIL was a different sort of person i.e. relatively likely to be helpful in a crisis.

I have been blessed with two MILs (DH's biological mum and his stepmum) Hmm while they both have their faults, I'd choose DStepMIL to come and stay a hundred times over DMIL because CHRIST is DMIL self-absorbed and totally useless at anything except wittering. At least DStepMIL makes coffee, irons, entertains children, chats about the news etc!

In our house, the nature of the welcome extended is very much dependent on whether we feel you add value to our lives rather than sucking it out (applies to adults only of course); DStepMIL adds, DMIL.... doesn't. DH agrees, he only has her to visit on sufferance Grin

PirateFairy45 · 16/11/2016 09:51

She might do your tits in but she's 2 hours away and that's her son in the hospital.

RachelRagged · 16/11/2016 09:52

Always Hotels and B&B ?

I assume the house is NOT just OPs !?! How callous some of you are .

Socksey · 16/11/2016 09:54

What does your OH want...
I'm going to put the cat amongst the pigeons here....
If I was ill in hospital... the last person I would want around is my highly strung, overemotional mother... believe me... been there and done that... it was not much fun for me and was all about her...
OP whatever you do, I would suggest to need to discuss it with your OH...

RachelRagged · 16/11/2016 09:59

Sorry OP just read your post re the 300 mile round trip etc You do sound a nice lady and a caring one and glad to see you would not entertain a Hotel or B&B for your mil anyway .
Hope your DH has a speedy recovery .

Bringmewineandcake · 16/11/2016 10:01

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to hold off on an invite right now. It's a very new situation and you need time to adjust and come to terms with your husband's condition. Once you've done that you'll be in a much better position to deal with your MiL Flowers

Finola1step · 16/11/2016 10:01

Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this but would you consider a shift system? Ask MIL to come down and stay. Tell her that it would be really helpful to DH if sometimes you take it in turns to sit with him. That way, your DH gets looked after, your MIL gets to be a mum to her son, and you get a bit of time and space to process what is going on and recharge.

LifeLong13 · 16/11/2016 10:02

You have all my sympathy. My MIL is like this. When I was ill in hospital she turned up making a scene and saying "what would happen to DS if you were to die!" Hmm I wasn't going to die. That was never said. Never hinted to. But she went full drama llama. The complained she had missed some of holiday coming to visit. I would let her stay but as PPs have said it would be a reality check for her as I would pull her up over being dramatic.

brodchengretchen · 16/11/2016 10:26

YANBU, nor are you a bitch, OP, you are just trying to save your sanity. IIWM having a needy MIL staying would be like looking after another patient.

I hope DH is as well as can be expected. Flowers

minisoksmakehardwork · 16/11/2016 12:21

Christ. It's not like op is banning mil from visiting the hospital. She just doesn't want to deal with a drama lama in her house.