Husband in hospital AIBU to not want MIL to come and stay?

[Mootle72]

Hi,
After a couple of very difficult days with my Husband being unwell he got to the point where I had to take him to A & E. He is being admitted and is having an op. I am very worried about him and trying to keep it together. My MiL is lovely but very needy and always thinks the worst, I have already had to calm her down over the phone. She lives about 2 hours away. AIBU to not want her to come and stay just yet?

It is not that I want to stop her seeing him or anything like that, it is just that it is taking all my effort to stay calm and not burst into tears without having to deal with anyone else. No one in my family lives here, nor do any of my husband's family, so there is no one else she could stay with, and equally no one who can support me. I know she wants to help so so really don't know what to do.

Only on Mumsnet have I ever heard anybody suggest that family members be made to stay in a b&b. If my partner made my mum stay in a b&b i'd be bloody livid

OP At times like this it's up to people to muddle through and get on with being family. Have the lady down for a few days if that's all you can muster the energy to do and just know that mums don't stop wanting to be near a sick child just because the child is now out of short trousers.

On the other hand have you thought that you might find coping with your husband being unwell a lot easier than you seem to think you will? To be honest I'm not sure if all this talk about someone needing support does very much except make someone think 'I'm going to need support, I'm not going to be able to do this without support', when the chances of you managing without the amount people here seem to think you'll need are very much in your favour.

I hope your husband feels better soon.

My own mother is like this, makes everyone else's drama all about her.

So when my late OH died she was the one sobbing and needing me to bring her endless cups of tea.
When my DS had surgery she was the one pacing and fretting getting really worked up.

She is the last person I would want around in a crisis.

Thanks for the comments, I'll try to address as many of them as possible. I kind of know I was being unreasonable but 2 nights without sleep and a day hanging around A&E can screw your head up and make you a bit crap, especially in the dark of the night.

Of course I will invite his mum down, there is no way I'd expect her to stay in a hotel or B&B. To those of you saying how selfish DiL are, again, it was mostly down to lack of sleep and worry late at night rather than any animosity on my part. I would do anything to help her, on Mon I drove a round trip of about 300 miles to take her to a hospital appt as my husband couldn't rather than her getting a taxi. And she has always been welcome to stay with us any time she likes. Having no one else to talk to I used this to vent and go through some things - yes probably being a bit selfish but I think I'm allowed to at least think selfishly for a short while. I'm really not a horrible monster.

The drs are not unduly worried about him, it was more the seriousness if he had continued to refuse to go to hospital. I don't think it would help either him or his mum to focus on what could have happened in a worst case scenario certainly not at the moment.

Thank you all for your comments and good wishes.

Please don't feel that by not inviting her to stay with you, you are in any way keeping her from seeing her sick child.

She is an adult. She can phone the hospital and say "I have a compromised immune system, is it OK for me to visit?" And then if they say yes she can drive and visit. And if she doesn't want to drive home she can arrange somewhere to stay. She can also choose not to do those things. None of those are your responsibility. You are neither making her do anything nor preventing her from doing anything.

Have you heard of Circles of Support? You're in the middle with dh. You support him and yourself. Your MIL is on the next ring out. Other people, further out. Everyone supports the people further in than themselves, and gets their support from people further out. Right now there is no way you should be expected to support your MIL.

I would go with what my DH wanted on this one but would also advocate for his mum to a certain degree. My DH wouldn't want his mum there, and neither would I (he has had counselling solely because of her, she is a nasty piece of work) but I would certainly encourage him to invite her to come for an afternoon or a night, even though it would be very stressful for us both. Because if my child was ill I would want to be there, and I just couldn't be the barrier between a mum seeing her child in hospital. And that's with a very tense relationship. If my SILs stopped my mum staying in those circumstances I would be very upset as she has been a lovely mum and MIL and my brothers would want to see her.

Ah, x-posted. If he's not dangerously ill, invite her. And if she shows any drama llama tendencies, allow yourself to burst into tears and let out all you feared. She may surprise you if you let her see you're not as superhumanly strong and capable as she imagined.

X posted - OP you don't sound selfish and I think your update was sensible. Good luck.

I have recently been to visit someone in hospital and had to travel a distance

Cost of travel
Cost of hotel
Cost of food
Cost of parking
Other additional costs

All the hospital staff did a wonderful job looking after all their patients

However, the biggest cost was the worry about what may happen and for the future

If you are lucky to have family and friends that can help you share some of the emotional worries, I would take that help and support

However, it is your choice if you offer your MIL to stay in your house

I think the best thing you can do is talk to your MIL about how you feel. Ultimately DH is her child and ywbu to keep her away. However I think you can say that while there is no immediate panic that you are upset and worried and WONT be able to 'mother her' during her stay. That you'll need her to be strong too for the sake of your DH.

I don't think you're a bad person for feeling like this and I definitely do better on my own in these situations but unfortunately I don't think you can keep her away in good conscience here.

I think you are being sensitive and sensible. You have said you want her to come but you just need time to get your head around everything.
Yes, you must at some point let her come and stay and visit her son. In the short term though use friends to give you support or come on here and let posters be with you and give you a chance to air your worries.
Sending you good wishes and .

I hope your husband is going to be okay!
I totally sympathise with you because if my husband were seriously ill in hospital there would be absolutely no way id have his MIL in my house. Its not that i dont get on with her its that id be incredibly upset and not want to have to look after another person who i dont really know that well.
Can she not stay in a hotel when she comes to visit him to give you some space?
If it were my son in hospital i would not go and intrude on his wife unless she specifically asked me to stay with her. I love my son but if he ever marries someone i would consider that bond to be primary and take her feelings into account before my own. I would think that what my son would want is for the woman he loves not to be put under extra pressure by me.

Hope your DH is ok OP

I don't know what to suggest about MIL. Personally I'd find it really hard to have anyone come to stay, but then I don't like it even if I don't have the added stress of an ill DH!

I suppose it would depend on what MIL will be like. If she'll give you space etc then OK.

Different situation but we're currently going through long term medical treatment for our youngest. It's zapped all my energy as I'm the one who deals with the bulk of the medical appointments/poorly DS, also have to support his big brother and My DH who isn't as strong when it comes to this sort of thing. I've had to push people away when I can't cope with having to take their worries on my shoulders too. Selfish? Probably! But I can't give what I don't have.

Best wishes to you OP

OP, I hope you don't take some of the critical threads too personally. You are tired and worried, and wondering if there is enough of you left to support anyone else. I think it is unreasonable of people to expect you to feel just as they do, given that they may be more resilient, have more independent MILs e.t.c.

It sounds as though you need a bit of a rest before facing this one- you'll feel better then and more able to meet the challenge. You could invite with the caveat that you are a bit worried about being too anxious and worn out to look after her properly, so you hope she'll excuse you if you get a bit impatient. If she does come and stay, and you do get overwrought and make a few sharp comments, well she is a grown up too and will need to manage herself.

Hope he's all better soon.

Tbh OP I'd actually say it's not about you or your mum but your DH. I know you've decided to ask her to come, but whenever I'm ill I tend not to tell my Mum as she drives me batty with her weeping and wailing. After I had my gallbladder out I came round to find her sobbing over me and saying she was worried I wouldn't make it (after a perfectly straightforward elective op) . While normally I'm pretty sympathetic to her extreme reactions the one time I cannot cope is when I'm feeling rubbish myself. I'd be furious if I got home from a hospital stay to find DH had let her come to stay. So do bear in mind whether your DH actually wants her in the vicinity or not!

I think what the op is saying is: "I know what the right thing to do is, and I will do it. But I don't want to do it." She's willing to go completely against her own wishes and yet some of you are still giving her grief because her feelings aren't what YOU think they should be. You need to become a better liar op, clearly. Fuck's sake.

I hope your DH is better very soon and that your needy MIL surprises you by considering your feelings as well as her own

I would allow her to come (she is his mum) but I would also sit down with her and explain how you are feeling, that you are not as calm as she thinks you are and that you are very wobbly right now. Hopefully she will understand and try to be supportive. If she doesn't take notice and is still in need of your full attention, you may have to go for a walk or drive to give yourself some space. I hope your DH is better soon and that things aren't as serious as you think. Take care

I hope you have good news about your husband's health soon. I think your 'oh god, do I have to?' darkest hour post was completely understandable - ignore any smug empathy-bypassed replies.

OP, I understand where you are coming from and have a similar MIL. She is a truly lovely woman and we get on great but she spirals in panic when something like your situation happens.

My suggestion would be that when she comes to stay with you, you visit your DH at separate times, so she goes in the afternoon, you go in the evening. That way you get some time alone in the house for head space and she gets some time alone with her son.

I don't think you were really being unreasonable, it's not wrong to want some head space to work out your own feelings and take care of yourself.

I hope your DH gets better soon.

Put it to her that dh is infectious and you wouldnt want her getting sick too but she is welcome to come at the weekend/next week when he is better, keep her informed and i hope your husbands op goes well.

I find having my MIL stay stressful but in this situation I wouldn't hesitate in having her over. It's not a jolly visit so you don't have to entertain her and I would be spending some time alone.

When my Mil was alive she was like this it is very draining