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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband in hospital AIBU to not want MIL to come and stay?

139 replies

Mootle72 · 15/11/2016 23:53

Hi,
After a couple of very difficult days with my Husband being unwell he got to the point where I had to take him to A & E. He is being admitted and is having an op. I am very worried about him and trying to keep it together. My MiL is lovely but very needy and always thinks the worst, I have already had to calm her down over the phone. She lives about 2 hours away. AIBU to not want her to come and stay just yet?

It is not that I want to stop her seeing him or anything like that, it is just that it is taking all my effort to stay calm and not burst into tears without having to deal with anyone else. No one in my family lives here, nor do any of my husband's family, so there is no one else she could stay with, and equally no one who can support me. I know she wants to help so so really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
nooka · 16/11/2016 04:39

It's very easy to think 'what if it was my child' and think that the OP is unfair, but the other way to think about it is what if it was you in hospital and your spouse having to look after your mother while feeling horribly stressed about you. I don't think that I'd want to put my husband through having to cope with my mum without me there as a buffer, and if they were both stressed then I'd worry that there might well be serious fallings out.

OP if she hasn't asked and she also has a compromised immune system I'd not ask her to stay right now. Wait until things are less fraught, you are in a better state of mind and the infection risk has gone down. Worse case scenario is that she visits and also becomes seriously ill.

Ditsy4 · 16/11/2016 04:57

I don't have any DIL yet but since joining Mumsnet I am beginning to be glad about that!

What is it with your generation that makes you so against MILs and so selfish? He is her son so of course she is going to want to visit him. She is worried about him. Personally I think she would be better off in a B&B having read you post.

FourKidsNotCrazyYet · 16/11/2016 05:17

I think if it was my son I wouldn't ask your permission. Whether my child was 7 or 70 I'd be there. B&B, Hotel or car! I'm a huge worrier too, your MIL isn't doing it to get sympathy. Believe me it affects every aspect of your life when you can't compartmentalise and be rational. Hard on you but harder on her.

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 16/11/2016 05:22

Mootle,
I agree with Lunar that she is DH's mum and needs to behave like a mum...

But... if she has a compromised imune system... she should avoid hospital like the plague... They really are not good places for anyone who is not ill but susceptible to infection. If necessary, but a wifi card for hubby and let them chat over skype etc... Far better than going in for a visit and getting an infection from another patient in the hospital..,

Fingers crossed for you... and DH........................ and MiL

Chottie · 16/11/2016 05:55

Please have your MiL to stay. Won't your DH want to see his mother? Put your personal feelings to one side.

Thisjustinno · 16/11/2016 06:08

This is her son. It's not unreasonable for her to be worried and not unreasonable for her to want to be nearby and with family while he's unwell.

Ask her to stay. It's the right thing to do. You'd expect her to do the same for you if he'd been visiting her, was taken ill and admitted to her local hospital wouldn't you?.

coolaschmoola · 16/11/2016 06:16

If I were in hospital and my dh deliberately contrived to keep my mum away and put her off staying it would rock the very foundations of my marriage. She is his MUM.

I'm a bit Hmm about you not telling DH about this potential to be serious. If the hospital were truly concerned that it was really serious they would tell him. Are you sure that you aren't also doing what you accused his mum of - worrying about the absolute worst case scenario?

stonecircle · 16/11/2016 06:24

You are being very unreasonable for all the reasons others have already given. He is her son for goodness sake.

The compromised immune system was very much the last reason given by you for not wanting your MIL to stay. It's her decision, not yours, how she manages that. Respect to her for having the restraint to wait to be invited. If I were in her situation you'd find me on the doorstep.

I hope your DH is better soon.

AnyFucker · 16/11/2016 06:30

Yabu

PosiePootlePerkins · 16/11/2016 06:35

When my husband was very unwell, my MIL came to visit and within about 20 mins I wanted her gone. I was just about holding it together for my children and she made some extremely unhelpful and insensitive comments which tipped me over the edge. I had to go upstairs to my bedroom and ring my mum to have a sob down the phone.
Yes its her son but if she wants to see him she can make her own arrangements. She's a grown woman and you have enough going on right now.
I don't care if that sounds harsh, you need to think of yourself and DH right now, not your MIL.
I hope your DH makes a speedy recoveryFlowers

flumpybear · 16/11/2016 06:36

Goodness I hope he's ok - can you say the immunocompromised angle and tell her to stay away til the infection is under control as it could be really harmful to her ? She could Skype or face time him instead perhaps?

PosiePootlePerkins · 16/11/2016 06:39

And completely disagree with all those saying she shouldn't wait to be asked. Its not her house and she doesn't have a right to just turn up with her bags. Yes he is her son but no one is stopping her from making her own arrangements. I have two boys and god forbid I was ever in the same situation m I would not expect my DIL to put me up no questions asked. I would respect her choice to do things the way she needed to at such a difficult time. My DH is now thankfully OK but at the time I didnt know that. Unless you've been through that its hard to explain the emotions.

minmooch · 16/11/2016 06:41

Seriously? She's his Mum, lives 2 hours away. Be nice and let her stay. If I knew my DIL (haven't got one) kept me from seeing my son when he was seriously ill I would be so unbelievably hurt and fucking furious. Unless she's an ogre or abused him as a child let her come and see her son.

Yes we'd all like to be looked after by someone else but life isn't always like that.

SilverBat · 16/11/2016 06:53

I hope your DH recovers quickly.

I've just been in this situation. It was actually my DH stressing out most about her ringing up and wanting to come and see him, as he thought it would be the straw that broke the camels back with me holding things together at home, and wanted to protect me.

I had to explain to him that if it was our son it would only be natural that he would want to do the same. 4 or 40, you still feel the same about them!

It really wasn't that bad, I explained that the housework had been neglected beforehand, so didn't worry about that side. She dogsat whilst we went off to an appointment, and was just happy that she had been able to actually see him in the flesh which put her mind at rest.

She came up the day after he came out of hospital - maybe you could suggest that?

minisoksmakehardwork · 16/11/2016 06:53

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable not to want her staying with you.

How long is dh expected to be in hospital and how long would mil expect to stay with you?

What would dh say if he were able to, or is he in a position to actually answer that question. If mum is a worrier will it help or hinder him to see her daily.

I completely understand the need for some mental space from dealing with everything. spending time at the hospital then coming home to someone who is one of life's worriers isn't going to help you be on top form to deal with the hospital or mil.

Is there a compromise to be had at all? E.g. You can have her for the weekend but then she needs to go home. Weekends often seem to have longer visiting hours. In order to facilitate that I'd see if someone could drive her down and, whilst I know it would be a long round trip, I'd be taking her home after Sunday visiting. At least then you know she is only with you for a finite period and you will be taking her home so no excuses about not being able to get back, even better if someone is prepared to come and get her.

Misselthwaite · 16/11/2016 06:54

I know the type of MiL you have as my mum is similar. She is very needy too and always very negative and I would not expect my DH to have to support her if I were in hospital.

You need support so does MIL but it doesn't sound like she's going to be able to support you at all. Is there anyone else you could speak to who could chat to her and let her have the time to get all her thoughts and worries out? She doesn't have to offload then on you.

OP your focus should be you and your DP. I doubt you have the energy for anything else right now.

LouBlue1507 · 16/11/2016 07:03

YANBU - Your DH is ill, You're extremely worried, Having to keep to together for everyone's sake. Presumably looking after children and maybe even juggling work... You don't need the added stress of looking after MIL especially if she'd be more of a hindrance than a help.

I would be firmly saying no to staying over for now, She can come once DH has been home for a few days. Her needs do not outweigh youre just because she is his mother. You're equally as worried but it's your house and your decision.

Hope your DH is better soon Flowers

Mrscog · 16/11/2016 07:04

'I just don't want to end up losing my temper with her and hurting her feelings. And not knowing how he is is keeping me up stressing about it all.'

You know what, although it's not ideal for the reasons you outline - and I see you don't want to stop her seeing him, you just feel you need space, I think you should let her stay.

However - use it as an opportunity to 'be real', don't clean to her standard, if you want some space and go to your room for an hour just say that's what you're doing. If she's flapping and it's getting on her nerves just tell her.

We're not real enough with each other in life and then we pay the price in situations like this.

Penhacked · 16/11/2016 07:04

There are these amazing inventions called telephones. It allows people to talk and show they care from long distances. That's what we should do, otherwise how long are you going to have her there? Until he's better? Unless you can agree a couple of night's stay, like the day before and after the op?

Scooby20 · 16/11/2016 07:13

If my sil tried this with my mum, I would be really pissed off.

Your dh is her child. I think yabu.

AchingBack · 16/11/2016 07:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable, my own mother is very much like your mil. As much as I know it's not her fault it's bloody draining and she is the last person I want around in a crisis.

Is your husband in a position to say if he wants her to visit just yet? If so I'd ask him if he wanted me to invite her down for a few days, otherwise I'd probably hold off inviting her until he's out of hospital.
Because of the way my mum is she would be the last person I'd want around if it was me in there, in fact I probably wouldn't tell her until after the event when I was well again-if at all. I wouldn't expect my dh to have to manage her on my behalf.

Evergreen17 · 16/11/2016 07:16

Sorry OP. I disagree with most and will say YANBU.
With my anxiety issues that would send me straight into panic mode.
I would say no. She lives 2 hours away. She can go visit him but I couldnt have MIL in the house even though she is lovely. Thinking about it gives me awful anxiety

LillianGish · 16/11/2016 07:17

Too many unknown factors here to decide whether or not YABU. I have a son and can't bear to think that one day there might be someone who would try to stop me seeing him if he was ill. I would also hate the thought of my DH trying keepmy mum away if it was me in hospital. I don't know what is wrong with your DH - I hope it is nothing serious, though the fact that he has been admitted to hospital gives cause for alarm and no doubt that's how his mum is feeling. I also don't know anything about his mum - is she very old and infirm herself. Will you be expected to look after her? I always think of my own lovely (now sadly no longer with us) MIL in these circumstances - could be infuriating, but would have invited her to stay in a blink if my DH had been ill. Yours may be a different kettle of fish entirely. If you are genuinely not worried about your DH and he doesn't want to see his mum then I would try to put her off - otherwise I think the kindest thing would be to let her come even if that means her driving you mad for a few days. Try to focus on the fact that you have one huge thing in common - you both love your DH.

usual · 16/11/2016 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Evergreen17 · 16/11/2016 07:19

To clarify I say yes she is welcome to visit but no stay at the house. And give me privacy with DH at hospital