To be upset with school?

[PointyJat]

My ds started school in September. In his class is another boy (I'll call him Fred) who randomly kicked another child, causing bruises in the first week. Yesterday I was called in as Fred had punched my son in the playground, my son was upset and didn't fight back, school says it was a random act (ie they hadn't been arguing or playing, Fred just walked up and hit him).

His teacher said they are watching Fred carefully and he is being assessed. This morning, I found out from other parents that at least four other children have been hurt by Fred, each time it's random, eg one girl was hit in the eye during class, one boy was pushed over when he walked out of the toilet. School didn't tell me about all these other incidents.

I'm really upset that Fred is continuing to hurt children and the teachers don't have a handle on it. I need to see the teacher again to find out what's happening now i know about all the other incidents.They need to protect the children from injury but aibu to think the school haven't done enough so far? It's not just little pushes or shoves

Having been the parent of a 'Fred' you have no idea of the damage your unhelpful witch hunt will do to that child.

This child may only be 4 years old and could have many reasons for behaving the way he is, helping him will take time and effort from everyone.

My son had behaved violently towards other children from about 2 weeks into starting reception, he was terrified of school and knew none of the children. Most of the other kids had been to pre school together so he was an outside and began lashing out. Instead of helping him other parents chose to pressurise the school into having him excluded, he had 1:1 supervision at all times (as you suggested) and most of the children were told by parents to stay away from him.

So at school, the place he was most uncomfortable and stressed already, he was permanently attached to an adult or sat next to a teacher.

If he spoke to another child or tried to play with them they turned their backs and ignored him.

Can you imagine what that does to a 4 year old?

He is now 10 and thankful in year two had an amazing teacher who completely reintegrated and bigged him up to his classmates, he spent a whole year boosting his confidence and confidence in him from his peers.

Apart from a handful of lovely parents I have made friends with who consciously make a huge effort to include him my son is never invited for playdates, parties and i witness him showing of to his classmates desperately trying to get them to like him.

His teachers now tell me all about how lovely and funny he is and a joy to have in the class, sadly the social damage has been done and the school let him down terribly.

Please don't do that to this child.

I think you should equip your child to deal with it, should Fred hit him again. To walk away and tell an adult in authority. It is very unlikely it will be the last time another boy will whack him in the course of his school career.

Fact of life people - boys will hit each other!! Mine is the gentlest soul but even he hit back at the age of 9. His teacher told me she was secretly delighted!!

It's hard when you worry your kid might get hurt. I'm sure the school is dealing with it though, and others are right they would not have been allowed to discuss the other incidents or Fred's situation with you.
One of mine had a classmate who was lashing out a lot in reception/year 1. I was pretty concerned when it was going on, however well a kid is supervised it's hard to prevent them suddenly lashing out. In our case actually I don't know the ins and outs but the school did deal with it really well, this child has calmed down a lot and we haven't heard any more about him for a couple of years.
What was interesting actually, and lovely to see, was how the other kids in the class learned to deal with it. They were very sweet about this boy, they could talk about how he has trouble controlling his anger. They didn't condone the violent behaviour but they learnt to accept his moods and look after him a bit too.

Fact of life people - boys will hit each other!!

You mean 'children', yes?

If the parents push for it (and know how the system works) they will be able to get the support he needs. There were certainly others in my ds's class with far greater needs that didn't have 1-1 but my main concern was that my child had the support he needed.

That's very sad Worldof, hopefully this won't follow your son to secondary school.

It drives me mad when parents go on like this about their little Willie, as though he could never conceivably be the aggressor.

It's like biting at nursery. If mine were bitten, I consoled myself that they weren't the biter!

Don't feed disabilist trolls just report

No Worra, I do mean boys. I have 2 girls, 1 boy. The girls tend to do with words what the boys do with their fists. That is my experience.

1-1 isn't suitable for everyone but I think on this case for the safety of other pupils and to avoid the child massively suffering socially it would likely be useful in the short term. A Ta would likely be able to identify triggers (there will be reasons even if not immediately apparent) and help the child with more appropriate responses. A child in nursery who was lashing out would be shadowed for a time and sometimes older kids need this too. The fact that schools are underfunded doesn't mean the need for support isn't there.

What is a "disablist troll"????

No, but if the funding isn't there it isn't there.

touchmybum sadly I think it will, the children will mostly go to the same secondary and only the other day one of the other kids in his class commented to him on how he used to be 'savage' your not telling me that opinion didn't come from his parents

Hes not savage, hes a lovely sweet caring little boy who actually feels things very deeply and I'm so scared for what will happen as he becomes a teen.

Does he have to go to that school AWorld? The only thing I will say though is that when mine went to secondary (all three of them) they mostly made totally different friends to when they were in primary, so in that sense it could be a whole new start for him anyway. I do hope so. It could have been my DS too; It took him all of his first year to settle in. Best wishes.

MumOnTheRun with all due respect you're speaking shit.

Schools will tell you the funding isn't there but they can apply for top ups. If the need I there the funding can be found. All children have the right to an education and all children have the right to be educated in a safe environment.

The problem here isn't the little boy Fred, it isn't the op being concerned, it's the fact that when a child struggles in school, especially when their parents aren't 'pushy' or perhaps able to ask the right people for help, that help is not available in the way it should be. It's quite likely that Fred's difficulties were known before he joined the school, yet I suspect he is only now being assessed, first by the Senco who needs to be seen to have tried strategies and interventions before a referral can be made, either to an ed psych, specialist teacher, paediatrician etc. These people aren't sitting waiting to jump in, the wait will be one of months.
The problem is funding, provision and being realistic about what is acceptable for the child struggling AND their classmates. We can be as understanding as you like but in these cases it is rarely one child affected, obviously to different degrees.
Those in power are simply trying to save money by delaying the process, please don't be under any illusions that thus isn't the case.

A disablist troll is someone who comes out from under their bridge to make offensive comments related to disability.

I'm sorry your ds was hurt. But it isn't unusual for children of four to hit. It isn't as easy as just diagnosing and assessing 1:1. I should know two of my dc have autism and one has a ft 1:1. If I knew my dc was hitting other kids I'd be mortified and also worried as to why. To think parents were talking about it, starting threads on mumsnet would make me feel awful. If he's got Sen I've seen first hand how hard for two dc it is. Teach your ds how to deal with it and maybe just be aware the little boy can hit. It's obviously a big ask for another young child to be that mature.

Yeah user ... sure

Thanks Honking.

meeetooo absolutely agree with your post

Little boy isn't being helped by being left in that situation while he is 'assessed'

YANBU OP, in my opinion, and my DS could be "Fred". I completely understand the upset this causes you and your son and indeed other parents. My DS had an early pre-school diagnosis of ASD (we were extremely fortunate in that respect), but he is prone to lashing out in certain situations and overreacts in the extreme sometimes as he is unable to modify his own social behaviour. He is learning, every day, and getting better, but it is a process. It worries me greatly that any other child should suffer because of it but I am not entirely sure what else can be done other than what's being done already. The school can't tell you about other children, although as the parent of my "Fred", I am told if there have been complaints from other parents. I totally understand your frustration. I assume as the school are saying "Fred" is being assessed, he possibly undergoing a diagnostic process of some sort or is at least seeing an EP. If I can reassure you, my DS, now in Year 1 has improved immensely and the incidents are becoming far less frequent, indeed he seems to save it for when he's at home and it's me or my elder DD who tend to bear the brunt. I am absolutely sure that Fred's parents probably feel the same way I do. I should say that I am very lucky that my DS's school is hugely supportive and works alongside me to ensure we're all singing off the same hymn sheet.

I am absolutely sure that the school are doing all that they can under the circumstances and I do hope that things settle down for you all.

They can apply for funding but that doesn't mean it will be given. It's not that simple sadly, it's great that school got the top up funding for your son but it's not always possible.

If the school felt it was that "simple" I am sure they would have done it by now!

The ehcp process for ds was very simple but I know that for many others it's a massive fight every step of the way. The system varies so much not only from area to area but from individual experience to individual experience.

No Worra, I do mean boys. I have 2 girls, 1 boy. The girls tend to do with words what the boys do with their fists. That is my experience.

Well there you go then.

It's not a fact of life, it's your experience.