To be upset that I think BOTH my parents (separated) are leaving their inheritances to my nephew and niece?

[scaryclown]

Just that really. I have been living in near and actual.poverty for a couple of years now, and i have realised with great sadness that my parents are kind of writing me out of history. I've not had children yet as i wanted to.be at least stable finacially first, but now i realise i might not be before my parents die, and so.they are.thinking of completely ignoring me. AIBU to be sad/angry/upset about this? i feel as though.i ought to.confront them, but also know that if i do they are b I th of the 'well if you are going to.be like that you don't deserve the.money'

I am also a bit miffed that my dad has been on two holidays a year for a decade and yet i haven't been.able to.even afford.food sometimes. Am i wrong to hate this??

I can feel your sense of injustice here OP. I had a similar experience myself but have learnt to put it out of my head and move on with my life. It will eat you up inside and damage the relationships you have with not only your parents but also your nephew and niece.

My situation is similar but not identical. My dad died in 2007, my mum has cancer and Alzheimer, but before my sister got power of attorney my sister took my mum to the solicitors and changed her will to leave her money to all 7 grandchildren. My sister is very well off (retired at 50) has 2 homes and an excellent pension. I on the other hand following a split from my long term partner, have no hope of retiring and lots of debts. Initially I felt angry as my father would have wanted to help me when I got the courage to leave my abusive ex (my father and my ex hated each other and tried for years to get me to leave him but I was financially dependent on him)...What made it worse was my mum, on realising I was likely to be homeless, said she wanted to leave me her house in the will and kept writing notes all over the house stating as such, when my niece saw these notes she went mad. I love my mum and know its not her or my fathers intentions to leave me vulnerable financially and to be honest my sister probably doesn't mean anything by it either, I have had to let it go though or it would make me feel bitter and unloved which isnt the case at all.

The next saga is my sister is looking at putting my mum into care which I promised her wouldnt happen but as she has power of attourney there is little I can do...sorry didnt mean to take over thread x

Sorry it just sounds like you are making excuses. A masters won't solve everything. Perhaps you are not suitable for the roles you are applying for? You have a gap in your cv where you are doing minimum wage jobs but it sounds like you are applying for jobs where more experience is required?

It would be better to apply for jobs that are more appropriate for your level of experience, prove you are committed and gain experience.

Starting a masters now will not excuse the gaps in your cv - they will still be there.

Why should your parents pay for your masters? You are an adult. I believe that there is more to the background to this story that you are not telling us and that is your choice obviously but you shouldn't expect sympathy when you don't seem to be helping yourself.

A masters solves nothing. When you graduate and have that paper in your hand, you'll discover that guess what? EVERYONE ELSE has one, too.

It isn't a magickal fantasy key to getting hired. You still have to do the same things and will get beaten to the post by people with industry experience and contacts, paper or no.

And no, your parents aren't obliged to pay for it. Not in the slightest.

OP, It's hard to know what to suggest. There seems to be so much more to this than you just having unsupportive parents. You do seem to be extremely negative and unhappy. You seem to believe that everything and everyone is a problem and none of its your fault.

I feel that there is a lot more to this and that this thread isn't going to be useful for you. Are you actually after advice or do you just want a moan (nothing wrong with just wanting a moan but it doesn't seem to be helping you ). It all seems a bit pointless.

Please don't answer if you don't wish too but have you suffered from or are you suffering from any Mental health issues?

I think this isn't about the money. It's about a perceived lack of love.

It can be easy within dysfunctional families to write one party out of history. The fact that your sister died young leaving a young family is bound to have hit your parents incredibly hard, and it's no wonder they want to use family resources to help the poor children. However, that doesn't mean that all the care and attention should be available to that part of the unit alone. In a functional family, it should be possible to do both. It's not either/or.

I think it's quite possible that in the sorrow of everything that has happened, your family have quite literally forgotten about you. I don't mean about your existence, but about the idea that you could have trials and tribulations of your own. Sometimes the best way to tell them is to be emotionally open with them.

Oh, and please consider posting in the stately homes thread in 'Relationships'. People who come from nice, functional families often can't understand that it's not that you are looking to be grabby about money, but that the lack of emotional care is corrosive.

lougle is right, a job in a supermarket or MccDonalds shouldn't be that hard to come by and there should be plenty of shifts to be had. You then quite possibly be eligible for tax credits and HB. Has this not occurred to you before now?

"fwiw i was a prize winning grad, had business awards, was the brightest in my class in three STEM subjevts at school, was accepted for officer training in military"

So what happened? Why didnt you do the training and become an officer?

I think this isn't about the money. It's about a perceived lack of love.

I think this is spot on. Please remember its only perceived though OP, I am sure your parents love you.

I have been thrpugh three min wage jobs because NEWSFLASH minimum wage employers are shitty employers who lay off when they can zero hours with no work and employ on a week to week basis.

I think you're the one who needs a newsflash:

With a masters and no work experience you're looking at zero hours/min wage conditions to get a foot in the door anyway.

Even people with phds sometimes have to take zero hour contracts and short contracts and don't have cushty working conditions. Research assistants with phds can work week to week.. or on short contracts of just a few months.

And that ^ is just if you do manage to get in on the bottom rung of your field, many with masters don't.

I don't think a masters or a lump sum are what you need, you need to stick at a job and stop thinking the grass is greener in everyone else's job!

It might be that from your parents point of view, they are giving you what you need.. it's just what they think you need and what you think you need are different things. It is possible that they love you very much and just don't think that a masters or a lump sum are going to help you long term.

Sorry disagree shovetheholly I come from a dysfunctional family, whereby my parents did very little for me from a young age. I have had to fend for myself.
The OP is saying that she is entitled to some form of financial help from her parents. She isn't saying that she wants them to love her, or show they care, just that they help her out and provide for her financially. See the part where she says ''lets help out sc'' she does not imply they don't love her, just that they have always helped out others and not her.

This is all about money.

OP - I think you have been given a bit of a hard time on here. Sometimes all of us feel very down about things. I think parents should make provision for their DC or they will (however, irrationally) feel unloved (even if they are rich).
The TV producer and author Daisy Godwin was left a tiny amount in her mother's will and the other children much more - this may have been because Godwin was rich but it did make her question her mother's love. I thought this article in the Guardian was thought provoking:www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jun/12/last-orders-what-do-our-wills-say-about-us

Was your deceased sister the "golden child" and you the scapegoat in the family dynamic?

The thing is that if i had a timy bit of help and security i could be earning much more

What Masters is it you want to do?

I wouldn't class funding a masters as a "tiny bit of help". My Masters was nearly £10k, I think they are more now. That's an awful lot of money to expect someone to give you, especially when you've seemingly already got a degree that you're not using.

Plus how will that help explain a "career fuckup" 6 years ago? You'll still need to explain the gap, and you'll not be finished the masters for another 2-3 years so you'll have more years of proper work experience lost.

A Masters won't fix everything.

Unless, is it a nursing Masters or similar which guarantees a job?

are you drunk? you don't seem able to write properly.

You're being unreasonable begrudging your dad holidays. He worked/works for his money and has every right to spend it. I personally don't really like the idea some people have (not saying you specifically) that their parents shouldn't spend money and should just save it so the kids can have an inheritance. Your dad can't use the money when he's dead, nor will he care what happens to it. He might as well have fun with it.

Having said that, I would expect a parent would be willing to help their struggling child out if they could. But I've only read your OP and skimmed the first page so I don't know if there's background that I'm missing. And I think I'm biased in this opinion, my parents are very generous and do not hesitate to help me out if I need it and they can. I am so grateful to them for this, but I realise that not every family does this and maybe yours do not think of it in this way.

Again, with regards to their inheritance, it is their money and they can do whatever they want with it. They could leave it all to charity if they wanted to and leave neither you nor your niece and nephew anything. They could probably instruct someone to throw all their money into the ocean if they wanted to. I imagine your parents feel sorry for your niece and nephew who have lost their mother, and want to make sure they are provided for as they no longer have two parents to do so. Is it unfair that they don't seem to care about you as much as they did your sister/her family? Yes. But it's still their money and their right to do whatever they wish with it. I don't think you should expect their money just because you're their child. You are now an adult and it's your responsibility to look after yourself.

I would forget about the inheritance, decide whether you want to stay in contact with them or just ignore them, and focus on improving your life and building a stronger future. I hope things look up for you soon

OP it's clear that something has gone very wrong for you somewhere along the line and your anger and frustration is palpable. It does on the face of it sound as if your parents have been quite cold and harsh with you and have favoured your sisters children in a very blatant way, even given their sad situation it does seema little unfair.

But how had this all come about? What has happened since you graduated with the promise of a successful future ahead of you, to end up where you are now? I think there is still an awful lot you are not telling us which might help explain how you ended up in this sad mess. Maybe your parents are just toxic and mean or maybe not, but we can't really counsel you with the sketchy detail you've provided so far.

Have you posted before OP? The posting style is familiar......

I honestly don't think this is a stately homes thread, a scapegoat would happily get no financial help or inheritance if it came with the ties and conditions that anything given by narc parents invariably comes with. In fact many on that threat have effectively written themselves out and gone NC and walked away from it all

I would halp my adult children out financially if I thought it was going to actually help them, I wouldn't help an eternal student who was telling me that re-enrolling in just one more course would suddenly change their work ethic. Sounds like the OP already has a lot of academic style achievements that she could utilise better without financial help. there are jobs out there with funded training for people with good batchellors degrees such as teaching and other professional routes, there are sill bursaries for career changes to some health professions that sort of thing.

p.s. who does a fully self funded masters these days? nobody I know! My colleagues who have masters worked their way up from the floor and when they got to a certain level they argued for funding for their masters. They didn't waltz into the positions they are with just an academic masters, they did their masters alongside their job

Forget the Masters. It's counter-productive, you would just be getting yourself into a load of debt keeping yourself stuck in fantasy world. The likelihood is it would then make you appear over-qualified for the sort of jobs you would be applying for.

I feel for you, your situation does sound very difficult and you are obviously ground down by it but at the same time there seems to be a common denominator here, which is you. Hard to say that without sounding as if I'm blaming you for being poor and I'm not as such but just from reading your posts you sound as if you have an odd attitude. There has to be more to it than this, as an educated adult you need to do everything you can to make a practical plan to get yourself out of poverty.

I can understand how you feel wrt your parents, it is hurtful but at the same time there's no point in getting obsessed with it when what you need to be focusing on is making real improvements to your life. You are getting hung up on all the wrong things.

It sounds like you feel very unloved, OP. Do you see much of your parents? What do they say to you, face to face? How do you know what your parents may or may not be considering to put in their wills? Have you ever directly asked them to support you in doing a masters and, if so, what did they say? What went wrong with your original career choice? Do your parents not understand why you dropped out of doing that and think that what is happening to you now is your choice?

Potato - there is money and there is money. Wanting money because you are freezing cold and don't have anything to eat is totally different from wanting money because you want to buy a Landrover with pink rims.

Surely no normally loving parent wants to see a child go hungry or cold?

I'm not saying that the issue is one of entitlement. I don't think the OP is entitled to the money by some legal right. I think there may be a bit of a moral right, however, and I also think it sounds like there is a kind of blindness that can care only for one child's family and not the other's.

Seeing it from the other side, I suspect that a child's early death does terrible things to a parent, and that they may be trying to 'compensate' for the tragedy by thinking only of their grandchildren on that side, to the neglect of their other daughter. Sometimes a horrible logic can set in, as well, where the child who dies becomes a perfect angel, reinforcing a scapegoating dynamic to the survivor.

To speak personally for a second, in the hope of defusing this horrible dynamic on the thread where the OP is being accused of being grabby. I have plenty and want for nothing. It still galls me that my parents spend £££ on my sister and absolutely nothing on me. It's not that I want or need the money - I'd refuse it if it were offered. I want to be loved and cared for equally, to be acknowledged and recognised as the equal of my sibling. I want my pain to be see as equivalent to hers. I want them to care that I had to pull food out of bins at one point, while they kept my sister in luxury. I want them to care that I was cold, while my sister was fine. I want them to spend even a tenth of the time on and with me that they spend on her. I want not to have been through years of abuse and neglect, while she's not experienced that.

There's always some unhelpful soul who says "Yes, but it taught you endurance and strength and independence". It's not the same as growing up in an ordinary way and becoming independent healthily. It also led to years and years of counselling to combat the feelings of low self-worth and rejection. It's not healthy for a family to be completely on-sided. It's not right.

It is impossible to comment on this without any back story. Things seemed to start going wrong in 1998...

Oh, and I'm a stately homer. Not all dysfunctional families are about narcissistic parents, despite the prevalence of that word on Mumsnet. There are many, many other forms of dysfunction - all kinds of abuse that is non-narcissistic!

I think people are being very tough on the OP here. I have been disowned and disinherited by a mega-rich parent... and OMG it hurts. Hard, I think, to disentangle the emotional from the financial.