To be upset that I think BOTH my parents (separated) are leaving their inheritances to my nephew and niece?

[scaryclown]

Just that really. I have been living in near and actual.poverty for a couple of years now, and i have realised with great sadness that my parents are kind of writing me out of history. I've not had children yet as i wanted to.be at least stable finacially first, but now i realise i might not be before my parents die, and so.they are.thinking of completely ignoring me. AIBU to be sad/angry/upset about this? i feel as though.i ought to.confront them, but also know that if i do they are b I th of the 'well if you are going to.be like that you don't deserve the.money'

I am also a bit miffed that my dad has been on two holidays a year for a decade and yet i haven't been.able to.even afford.food sometimes. Am i wrong to hate this??

I hate the MN view that adults shouldn't look to their parents for help - I have on occasion asked mine, DH has asked his, and we are very far from dependent, can't cut the apron strings people. My parents would be devastated if I was going hungry and hadn't asked them for support.

OP - this sounds like it's about far far more than the inheritance. Put that to one side in your mind, andwork through the main issues about how they treat you, how you have contact with them. Good luck

Have they always treated you differently or just as an adult? And actually are you a bit different to the rest of the family? Different interests and values and so on? I really hope you get your financial situation sorted out, its miserable living on benefit s and being broke all the time. I don't know why some families work this way and people who haven't experienced it first hand can never understand it. They always think some event triggered it but its just the family dynamic.

I think your parents should help you out if you need it, and put helping you ahead of their holidays. The only exception I could see to that would be if you're a drunk, a gambler or a druggie, and they knew that to give you money would be enabling you to self-harm further.

That said, you should be able to support yourself, even if it is only on the benefit. And it's your responsibility to support yourself, not his / theirs.

In the end, your parents decision what they do with their money. I don't think it's the right one, to put holidays ahead of family in need, but it's their choice.

You've said a lot about your dad, but not much about your mom. What's her story? You said they're separated, does she treat you like a black sheep as well?

YANBU! You are an adult and responsible for yourself, yes. But I can't imagine how I would feel if I was written out of my parent's will, after years of being second best to my sister, and find it awful you're living in poverty while your parents are choosing not to help. It's bonkers.

But maybe there's parts to the story missing here, is there more to it? Do they understand the extent of your current situation?

YANBU OP. Its all very well people saying its their money and they can leave it to who they like - which, of course, they are perfectly entitled to do. But its also perfectly rotten to have more than one child and show via money who you favour the most

Im one of 5 - my parents have willed both land and money to their youngest. It isnt that the rest of us want the parents money - its that theyve disregarded the rest of us; to my mind its leave it to all equally, or to none of us. & now that my selfish sister has emigrated and made it clear she doesn't give a fuck about my mother in particular, the rest of us over here are supposed to pick up the pieces of how she feels about that and listen to her whinging about my DSis being selfish. She raised her selfish so has to get on with it Im not getting involved

But anyway yes, certain situations that show very blatant sibling favouritism are very hard to stomach, I don't believe the person exists who wouldnt feel at the least slighted, at the mosst disregared and unloved

if i was a relatively wealthy parent with spare cash for several holidays there is NO WAY i'd leave my kids in poverty..either out of just humanity, but also out of pride and sensible family economic decision-making.

It's the easiest thing in the world for poor people to talk about how generous and 'fair' they'd be with their money if they actually had any.

But I agree with you, most parents' default setting is to help out financially if they can, when they see that one of their children is seriously struggling. And for parents to leave their estate to nieces and nephews and to cut their own child out is highly unusual and not something many parents would do without serious thought and justification.

The fact that yours are behaving this way leads me to believe there is a whole backstory you are not giving us. You do seem to be rather wrapped up in self pity to be honest and you come across as a tad over-dramatic. I honestly think that if you are having to live on porridge and forego heating because you can't keep down a half decent job then having a masters would make fuck all difference - your problems most definitely do not lie in educational shortcomings and having a masters wouldn't boost your income much or at all, if you don't have a graduate level job in the first place. That is a red herring.

Perhaps your father knew from experience that if he funded your masters nothing about your situation would change and you'd then be whining that he wouldn't help you with a Phd?

My DF has done this to me, leaving it all to my DD when she hits 50 to make sure I never see any of it. I wouldn't expect any apart from I have medical issues, he is very wealthy and told me for years I would never have to worry about money. That is until I challenged him on his behaviour. Meh I would rather be poor than put up with the bullshit

You have a degree, why would your dad fund your masters? Honestly I would be telling my children to get a job not further study.

I think that you are wallowing and need to break the cycle.

As for the inheritance being left to someone else, yes it's mean, I guess they are disappointed in you and don't want to help you. That cuts two ways, you know the score with them so they are on their own with any problems.

It does sound like you're having a tough time OP and I hope things improve.

You don't seem to take much responsibility for things yourself however. Ev it's your parents' fault that you couldn't do a Masters, it's the student loans company's fault that you moved house and didn't tell them so your paperwork went astray, it's your parents' fault you've been but cut out their will...

If you graduated twenty plus years ago (based on your student loan default in 1998) then you're at least forty now. Time to take responsibility for your own life and stop blaming others.

I imagine that your DPs feel the need to help your sister's children because she died. Their father is, presumably, needing to pay for their keep, incl childcare, and his own on a single salary. With dealing with grief as well, that would be tough. It's all over the news that inheritance should skip a generation if YP are ever to be able to afford a house.

Have you given them reason to think you can't handle money? Got into debt? Made bad judgements, walked out on jobs? Did they advise you not to do something, but you did it anyway, and they were proved right? Authoritarian people tend to feel that if they help you out in that situation then you'll never learn...

Maybe they felt you were relying on an inheritance, and therefore just waiting for them to die.

I get that it feels awful for you, but there are so many ways to look at it.

I agree there is probably a huge backstory here, you seem to be blaming everyone else for your problems, op

Have you really examined your actions and responsibility here?

YANBU, it must be hard to feel so overlooked -not so much financially but emotionally.

However, there is nothing whatsoever to be gained from stewing over it. It's crappy, and awful, but the best thing you can do for yourself right now is make peace with the fact that "it is what it is"
And then make a new plan.

The masters is out, I think. But you can find new ways to try and turn things around.

Can some of us review your applications/CV and give you some constructive feedback?

What type of degree do you have? Can we give some suggestions on now you could use it.

I have been sort of where you are now. Ill health made me lose my job, the career I had worked so far for. I had so little money and it was grim. It was hard to see a way out. So I made a plan, where (broadly) did I want to be and how to get there...then I made lots of little baby steps towards that.

You've got to stop thinking about "what could be". I know it's not fair and your parents should be ashamed, but it gets you nowhere.

I understand your frustration about the inheritance but you need to let it go. I wouldnt make their choices but there you go. If all that stands between you and more money is a master's degree then that needs to be your focus. Either ask your dad to lend you the money for the degree or pay for it yourself once you are out of debt. Although I am struggling to think of a career where a masters degreee is so important?

I dont understand the bit where you say your parents will expect you to pay for their care. How? You dont have any money and surely they will pau as they have property?

Forget the inside and outside of wether should leave you money or have paid for your masters.

How old are you? At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself.

It's hard to say wether they should help you out. I suspect there is more to this.

I haven't had financial help from my parents and been in direct straits sometimes. I have had help as I have hidden it from my parents. I don't feel it's their job to fund my decisions. I have managed to sort things out on my own.

Is the children's mother alive? You say your parents will need care in the next few years, are they quite old.

Perhaps they feel that since their mother has passed and that the chances are that they will pass while the kids are still young, they would feel two young kids will need the help more than an adult.

This is one of these threads where I would love to hear the other side.

I think it's highly pointed and unusual for parents to leave everything to one child (or their offspring) and nothing to another, unless the omitted child has gone NC or has a drug problem or made some other huge life "choice" that the parents disapprove of (like marrying out or being gay, which I know isn't a choice). Why do you believe they'd do something so unusual OP?

You've had a bit of a kicking about money which seems unfair, plenty of people are skint for no fault of their own, but it's ridiculous to moan that you'll be paying for their care - of course you won't because you have zero money, and nobody can make. Either they will have to pay care home fees and there will be no inheritance or they won't.

The only way that your two statements about paying for care and inheritance would be correct would be if their wills left a substantial lump sum to each grandchild to pay for the university costs and then the residue to you. In that case you would be "paying" for any carehome costs at your niece and nephew's expense. Is that what you mean?

Whoops got confused on the last bit "you would be paying for care home costs because they would come straight out of your inheritance while your nephew and niece's legacies were protected".

So it seems that your parents are intending to leave their money to their grandchildren, who tragically lost their mother at an early age, perhaps to give their grandchildren some help to make up for the gap in their lives.It doesn't seem to be a bad intention and some families do skip a generation with inheritance sometimes. On the other hand I do understand that you feel the money should be split evenly between your line and your sister's line of the family.

There seems to be loads of stuff going on in the background here. How on earth do you know who your parents are leaving their money to? It's something that has never come up in conversation in my family. Have you made it a little too clear that you want the inheritance and they have told you to stop you asking any more?

Are your parents still close despite divorcing? You seem to feel that they are operating in unison about inheritance. Why are two seperate individuals chose to do the same thing with their wills?

How long have you been living in poverty for? When did you graduate? I'm shocked and saddened that someone with a degree can't find any work at all. I assume that you are trying to get any job, not just a job in your ideal field. I think the masters degree is a red herring at the moment. It won't make it any easier to get 'any' job and surely it would only have an impact on your career if you were already established in it. You don't think that your parents are trying to force you to be a bit more realistic by refusing to support you chasing, what could be unrealistic, career ambitions? If you are living somewhere very rural perhaps your parents would be willing to help you with a defined expense like moving to a town or city where there are more jobs?

In the end you have to find a way for yourself and stop worrying about what other people, even parents, are doing with their money because it doesn't help.

Some of the comments on this thread are unnecessarily and undeservedly harsh.

YANBU to feel as you do. In the biggest act of largesse they will ever do they choose to ignore you, when at times you can't even afford food for yourself. I understand how that will hurt. Speak to them gently about it. If you feel they are doing it to hurt or punish you then think of distancing yourself for your own sake.

A masters would fill and rationalise that gap. I continue to read and study but without quals employers think its meaningless.

So you have a degree but cant earn enough to not be in poverty. A masters will not help that. The gap isn't not having a masters.

What jobs are you applying for? Even seasonal work so that you get an employment history is helpful.

I'd not fund a masters either for a child who had already been to uni, not used that degree then defaulted on the loan due to not being able to sort admin.

You seem to think a masters degree is a fairy wand but it won't be.

Rather than blame everyone else you need to do this yourself.

I assume there must be a backstory to why your parents are leaving you out of their inheritance? Are you even 100% certain that they are leaving you out?

With regard to care home fees - that will come out of whatever money they have and will use up the inheritance. You cannot be forced to pay anything towards their care.

I am on the other side - I know my mum has written everything in her will to me and my children and deliberately excluded my siblings. I find it very upsetting and I will be left to deal with the fall out when the time comes but ultimately it is her decision and she made it for very valid reasons - my siblings have been very unkind towards her in the past. A couple of them have been NC for long periods of time, for
No other reason than their partners not liking my mum. They have stolen from her, they have brought trouble to her door repeatedly. They have all wasted lots of money and have nothing to show for the money they have earned over the years.
Sadly, we can't tell our parents what to do with their money.

Perhaps your parents are disappointed that your degree hasn't been put to use to improve your life? Perhaps they don't understand that it hasn't been easy for you? Perhaps they feel your niece and nephew need the help more as they have lost their mum?

So your sister died and she had kids who are now motherless? Do you think that they don't deserve your sisters share? I suspect your parents are trying to make sure that they are taken care of.

Why are you living in such poverty? I know it happens but why did it happen to you? What steps are you taking to get out of it? What debt do you have?What is the back story?

Sorry I see you have answered that. Don't estimate what the death of a parent is like for young children and why the grandparents try and help.

I think you have a fantasy view of family life.
Your dF is not going to change.
Try to form a life which doesn't involve musing about what, who, when, how your family are doing.

You can just have friends and stuff that you think about.
Your DPs might live 20-30 years, so that the DNs are in their 40s, all their money might go on care, they might leave any remaining money to the dogs home.

Get to the library and read up on improving your self esteem as a start.
Do voluntary work to get mixing with a variety of other people.
Stay away from family meanwhile.