To be upset that I think BOTH my parents (separated) are leaving their inheritances to my nephew and niece?

[scaryclown]

Just that really. I have been living in near and actual.poverty for a couple of years now, and i have realised with great sadness that my parents are kind of writing me out of history. I've not had children yet as i wanted to.be at least stable finacially first, but now i realise i might not be before my parents die, and so.they are.thinking of completely ignoring me. AIBU to be sad/angry/upset about this? i feel as though.i ought to.confront them, but also know that if i do they are b I th of the 'well if you are going to.be like that you don't deserve the.money'

I am also a bit miffed that my dad has been on two holidays a year for a decade and yet i haven't been.able to.even afford.food sometimes. Am i wrong to hate this??

The sad thing is that i could be a great support to nephew amd neice, but proper poverty is amazingly time consuming, energy sapping and depressing. At the momemt i can't even afford bus fares and was really.miffed when i had to go to A&E last week. I had to use electricity money to get there by bus.

Like i say its the feeling of just being disregarded and written out i hate.

and that i am the person who is likely to pay for their care sometime soon, its like i am double burdened

How are you going to pay for their care if you can't afford food?

All you keep saying is about poor little you and poverty

Take responsibility for your own life
Improve your quality of life

Just because your parents have a little money does NOT mean that are a walking cashpoint for you.

YANBU, it sounds like your parents are really not willing to help or engage with you.

I think I would talk to them and find out what is happening.

I am generally of the view that money belongs to people and their kids should not expect it but then I am also of the view that why would people not allow their children to inherit.

It sounds like your parents had help from their parents so you are not being unreasonable.

Do both parents actually know your financial situation?
It is not clear to me if you have a partner. If you have a partner perhaps your parents think the partner is providing for you.
If you do have a partner it could be that your parents do not want to support someone else's grown up child. If both sets of parents were to contribute it might be different.
I think that parents' money is their own to do with as they wish. There is more likelihood these days of parent(s) being in a Care Home and fees will have to be met from their own funds, depending on an inheritance is not a wise move. However if one adult child has gone their own way while another has cared for the parents through ill health etc I see no reason why rewarding the adult child who has helped the parent(s) should not be favoured in the Will.

How will you pay for their care if you cant afford food at timeS?

You need to start taking responsibiliry For yourself. Did you enquire about ways to pay for the masters or bursaries or loans? Or just sit back and complain someone else didnt pay for it for you? Have you started it niw back in work? What are you doing to change your lfe?

If things get to the point that you or other people have to pay for your parents care, there won't be any inheritance left anyway.

Do your parents know just how bad things are for you financially at the minute? It seems a bit odd for them to be complaining about you not visiting and not taking them out if they're aware of just how much you're struggling financially.

I think it's perfectly understandable for the op to resent the fact that her parents have been generous with financial assistance to her sister's family but not her. Who wouldn't feel hurt by that? I can't believe anyone would shrug their shoulders and not feel hurt by such blatant favouritism.

And no one way would I or anyone in my family let their adult children suffer when they had the means to help them. I could never spend money on myself knowing that anyone I loved was cold and hungry.

Surely they will be paying for their own care? It doesn't sound as if you are in a position to pay for it for them. It might well be that there's little to inherit once they have paid for their care.

It's always horrible when one sibling is treated more favourably than the other, and of course the sad fact of your sister's subsequent death complicates the situation further- are there unresolved issues around this which affects your relationship with your parents?

Why would a Masters have raised you out of poverty? You have a degree? Why are you struggling? What could you change? You can't work on could haves.

oh ffs now I'm going to have to 'prove' that how i feel isnt based on a delusional idea that actually i have thousands of pounds of free benefit money or because i actually 'want' to be poor because is a glam lifestyle choice?!?. Some of you are so programmed.

I spent a year applying for up to 250 jobs a month, ran voluntary projects for experience, lived on less than 50p a day, got sanctioned for 'not providing proof of job applications' by a woman with 20 job application print outs from me in her hand, took cv courses, built up my linked in profile, managed my debts via a debt repayment charity, bulk bought tinned food for 5p a can when i could, freecycled food off a friend who always over buys when i caught him throwing it out and worked at min wage for three employers this year who all think full time is 30 hours p.w.

I have four duvets and two blankets on my bed and sleep in clothes in winter. I staple my curtains round the windows with padding im deep winter, i batch cook lentils and freeze, i buy porridge oats as cheaply as possible and make with water, i cycle or walk as much as poss (but have a car as one job made it essential) and i ALWAYS wait until I'm hungry before eating.. I dont usually have milk anymore but bought some long life as it was £1.00 for four litres... I read books in the local botanic gardens to avoid putting heating on. I habe my leisure money and bills money each week in pots. I apply for at least one good job a month. I now have a (good) employment gap of two years and bumpy for five. A masters would fill and rationalise that gap. I continue to read and study but without quals employers think its meaningless.

Anything else?

OP I think you are getting a rough ride on this thread but I also think you are not expressing yourself very well. What are you more upset about; the money issue or the emotional/lack of support issue?
I suspect the latter is what really bothers you but you are projecting your distress at this onto the fact that you are skint and they won't help you.
You've not given us any context which doesn't help at all.
Having said that though I have very little time for posters who say 'your parents' money is theirs to do as they like with; why should you expect handouts??' Can you seriously say that if you knew your child was struggling to afford food that you wouldn't help out? Really????

Have you had a compassion bypass Aye? As for some of the rest of you has it occurred to you that a lot of people are in this financial situation right now with little hope of a way out in the near future? Poverty happens for many reasons such as ill health, no point grilling and accusing the broke person. Let's hope you don't end up in a situation where you are struggling and have no back up or anyone to rely upon. Its not much fun.

oh and AyeAmerock I know what I'm like when I have money...I was there..

Could you get your masters now with student loans? Here, you can get loans from the government, and even overages to help you pay living expenses while you study. Not great to get into debt, but if the masters affords you a better lifestyle, it might be worth it.

Whats weird is that my Dad especially just cannot fathom that because he had loads of spare.money at my age, everyone my age now hasn't. Hes also a bit of a daily mailer..well my stepmum is.. and anyone that something bad happens to tgey instantly absolve themselves of compassion by finding a way to blame them... they even went to an inquest and said 'well noone else walks along that road (that someone had been killed on) so no wonder' ..even though it was a known short cut and had a pavement.. so i think i am just in their 'must deserve it, lets get on with our holiday' box.

It is the weird feeling that supported I would be a joined in family member, but isolated and sidelined, they get to 'proove' i'm no good.

I just feel amazed and saddened that they are making sure i feel like tgat after they die...and tgey dont want to see me do well in their lifetime...

You've been forthright on a lot of threads recently. Your poverty is one thing. We shouldn't have people in poverty. Your parents aren't obligated though. I think you are fixating on what could have been or what could be. Stop doing that. It's a distraction.
You need to focus on what is.

YANBU

Its not about the money is it? Its about being seen as a non person, not worthy of any acknowledgement or consideration. At some point they will need you more than you need them, and I can imagine that you will be labelled as selfish if you tell them to jog on.

I help my parents out a lot as they both have health issues and I would be gutted to find out that they had left me out of their wills, not because of the money but because it would show that they dont actually give a shit about me.

The money is just highlighting the issues within your relationship with them.

Your best bet is to cut yourself off. They cant hurt you if they are not around to hurt you.

And FWIW, I found out recently that my 25 year old son had used a food bank this summer. I was heartbroken. He knows we have almost no spare money, but FFS there is always a meal here for him! I gave him a bit of a talking to, as did his adoring grandpa, that he should always ask us first and on the day we cant help in some way then, and only then, should he go somewhere else. I cannot imagine having the means to help him, knowing he needed it, and not doing all I could.

Hi Steff, i tried looking at that, but i moved house during the deferment period in 1998 on my ug loan, and they sent forms to the wrong address so even.though my income has never been higher than the threshold, the count me as having been in arrears..which means they wont give me a second loan. . its every way i turn..

Ephemeral fairy - I can give you some insight into why parents and others will say that any money is the perents' to do with as they wish.
I don't want to go into detail so this could be very vague.
It is very distressing to watch your parents and grandparents being bullied and emotionally blackmailed into parting with money. The demands for money came from a family member but were instigated by their violent and criminal partner. Most parents would never want to see their adult children going without but equally would not want to be involved in financing criminal activity. Sometimes people are so enmeshed with partners who are not liked for many reasons by the parents. The difficulty is that if money or goods are given they could be returned to the shop or otherwise sold on or money used for drink and drugs while food is omitted.
This is why in my family if a person is genuinely short of food any one of us would provide food to our own relative and the children of that relative but we would not provide for someone who expected a free ride in life.
The problem is in the expectation and or entitlement. You give a gift but a demand often with menaces is not at all nice. Therein lies the difference

My mother was in a nursing home for three years. She self funded. There was no way on this earth I could have funded her care.

OP how much of this is about the fact your sister died? I do wonder if that has made your parents want to lave money to her children.

Thinking of you, OP.

I have been through this with my own family and counselling really helped, the waiting lists are really long though.

I have found in life that people who have never truly had to struggle often just cannot put themselves in someone else's shoes, especially when its someone close to them. Also in families that are a bit disfunctional one child always ends up as the black sheep.

I really feel for you, it still hurts me when I see other peoples families be there for them and behave normally
It does hurt, and its worse when you are in a bad place anyway.

Have you fallen out with them? You do come across as, umm, opinionated and headstrong on threads and if you are like that in real life then maybe you have pissed them off??

It seems weird that it's both parents that are doing this. If your sister died then I can see that they would be worried about their nephews and nieces and would like to give them something. They have lost their mother after all.
I'm also curious how this came up. Did you ask them? What people say about wills and what they do are sometimes two different things. They might not want you to think you will be getting an inheritance even though you are.

I'm also puzzled about the masters. I can't see how it would make such a huge difference from being unable to get a job to ring able to get one. Is it possible to do Open University?
Presumably your fist degree is reasonable if they would accept you to do a masters.

I think you are right about the black sheep narrative. when i was at uni and developing and learning a huge amount, and was happy, i was amazed to fid that my dad jad been talking about me to his neighbours and friends as though I had gome away just to insult him.. i csnt remember the term he used but it wasnt complimemtary. The problem is, is that I want to feel sorted..even a tiny bit.. but i don't even get treated as a human, and its like zi dont have emotional energy left to stop it affecting me. I feel like they dont actually want me to be normal iyswim. and as i say its like tgey have a made up story about me they havemt ever checked with.me on, that means they just dont wamt me to be happy...even midly alive. I just think its odd.

I can see they want to help my nephew and niece..but so do I!

You can't be asked to pay for your parents' care if you have so little money. What would you pay for it with? If that's the route it takes, they'll have to have whatever state care they are eligible for.

You've come at this from an odd angle but you clearly feel very hurt by your parents. Have you asked them directly for money when in most need, or did you hint and they've ignored your hints?